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He was tired, though he couldn't pinpoint a reason. Or perhaps he just had too many. He was tired of opening his eyes every day, of having to wake up, and of not being able to sleep. He suffered from insomnia, or so he thought. Maybe he was just afraid to go to sleep lest he see the same faces again, the same expression on all of them - disappointment, anger, regret.
He felt pain in every part of his body, but he knew he should have suffered more. He was at fault, he knew how much he was at fault, and yet he couldn't redeem his guilt in any way. Locking himself away in seclusion was supposed to protect others from his decisions, his mistakes. He knew that by leaving the sect in his uncle's hands, he was doing the right thing. There was no other person he could entrust the fate of Gusu Lan to, especially since Lan Wangji had simply run off with his lover.
The man rose slowly from the bed, looking around him without actually seeing, only to immediately hide his face in his hands. He no longer knew how many tears he had shed out of grief for those he had lost, those he couldn't defend. He didn't know how many days had passed since the events at Guanyin Temple, or maybe weeks? Everything was the same, plunged into gray. Everything was a reminder of what he had lost, of what he had done, causing Lan Huan pain. It was mental as well as physical, an ache in his chest as he felt like his heart would stop in a moment. This moment was no different, as he wept bitterly and clenched his fingers on his robes, feeling a monstrous void in his chest.
It felt like every breath he took was going to cause his lungs to burst, and he didn't know if it was due to spiritual energy raging within him or the surging of his emotions. He opened his eyes, realizing his cheeks were wet with tears, and lay on his side again. Lan Xichen felt nothing, however, as if the momentary onslaught of pain had taken everything from him. He was so very tired...
He felt like falling asleep and not waking up, believing that it would be better for his sect, for the people who had believed in his judgment so far. But despite his attempts, the spiritual energy healed even the tiniest wounds he unconsciously inflicted on himself, driving his nails into his thighs despite his robes, or cutting his hand on the stones when he fell over while returning to the hanshi. Once he happened to fall in a tub below the surface of the water, but he was pulled out in time by Lan Qiren, who came to check on his condition. For a long time medics came to see him, or perhaps even slept in the hanshi, keeping watch over him, Lan Xichen was unable to recall anything of those events. In fact, he didn't remember much since the events at Guanyin Temple, as if his mind was only focused on blaming him.
The man stirred, noticing food lying on a small table. The servants had apparently managed to leave, or they had not yet brought a new meal. Lan Qiren made sure that the food was brought to him at the right times, but he couldn't make sure that the man ate it. As a result, the servants returned to the kitchen almost every time with a full tray or barely touched food. This troubled the older man, but no amount of talking could bring results. It was hard to call the silence and the lack of reaction from his nephew a conversation. Lan Xichen had clearly sunk into himself, and no amount of rules could protect him from the gradually progressing depression.
Lan Xichen would only leave the hanshi when he really had to, not speaking to anyone, not even looking at anyone. When they did happen to cross a glance with him, all they could see in his dark eyes was pain, sadness, resignation. He didn't keep up his correspondence either, and as time went on Lan Qiren began to check the letters first, to pass on to his nephew only those that didn't require an immediate response.
There were not many of them - most were from Sect Leader Jiang. Lan Qiren could see that the letters had been opened, but their chaotic spread made it clear that his nephew wasn't reading them with due attention. Perhaps he hadn't read them at all. Some had water marks, the ink was smeared, which told the older man that Lan Huan, couldn't control his own emotions, his thoughts. His nephew was fighting a battle that he was clearly losing, and in which he wasn't allowing himself to be helped.
The wind stirred the bamboo, which began to quietly bump against each other, making a sound that once calmed Lan Huan. At this moment, however, it seemed to be the mocking laughter of the world, causing more tears to roll down his face. The man wasn't fully aware of what was happening. He tried to sit up on the bed, though he didn't even know why. He shifted his gaze around the room again, noticing that nothing had changed since the day before, except for the fresh food on the low table and the cat that was under one of the windows, looking around to the side until it became motionless staring at him.
For a moment, everything seemed to stop in place, and Lan Huan stopped even hearing the clatter of bamboo around the hanshi. He stared at the animal, not understanding what he was seeing or if it was real. The black fur, gleaming in the sunlight, was certainly soft, and appeared well-groomed, though it seemed unreal. The cat squatted low on its paws, ready to leap away if threatened, its muzzle slightly parted. The animal's ears, its whiskers, everything indicated that it was focused exactly on him.
The animal seemed to be merely an illusion, a hallucination, causing Lan Huan to make an indefinable sound between crying and laughing.
He was used to seeing his dead friends. There were times when he felt like he could hear Nie Mingjue laughing in the forest, right next to the hanshi. Usually he would get out of bed and run outside, only to fall to his knees without strength, seeing that it was only his heart's mad desire.
Sometimes he had the impression that he could hear guqin being played. He would look around the hanshi, searching for his brother, but then he remembered that the latter was traveling somewhere with his lover. Lan Wangji had no time for someone like him, someone who had allowed himself to be deceived and was too blinded by his own naivety, though he had also reproached his brother for being blinded by emotion earlier.
But the worst were the days when he heard Jin Guangyao's voice next to him, saying that he never meant to hurt him. Each time, he was afraid to turn his head to see an expression of surprise on his old friend's face from the moment he pierced him with his sword. Someone who had been close to him and yet appeared to be manipulating him, using him to achieve his own somewhat insane ends.
Now the black cat looked like it was going to be a similar illusion, if not something worse. In theory, Cloud Recesses were surrounded by talismans that prevented demons from getting inside, but could he be sure he hadn't destroyed a few protections himself? He couldn't remember what he did for the previous day, couldn't remember when he slept, when he ate, what he did. He didn't trust himself - his judgment of the situation, his faith in others. Lan Huan didn't trust his actions.
He looked ahead again, but not even a trace was left of the cat. Lan Xichen's hands began to tremble as he lifted them to his face and slid them into his hair, tugging at it, breaking into a deafening sob that turned to bitter laughter. Lan Xichen didn’t notice that the cat had moved; it had escaped from under the table, hiding behind a screen from where he could still watch. The fur was raised on its back, and dilated pupils watched the man as he shakily approached the table.
Lan Huan felt no hunger, felt nothing, only an emptiness that welled with pain every now and then. Without conviction, he reached for his chopsticks, trying to force himself to eat the food that turned to dust in his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to eat the rice, and the vegetables had lost their flavor. Still, he tried to swallow a few bites of food before finally putting the chopsticks down, reaching for the tea. He remembered that his brother had reached for alcohol in a similar state, and for a moment he thought about doing the same thing.
But again, like many times before, Gusu Lan's rules rang in his head. Alcohol is forbidden. Do not succumb to rage. Do not be picky with food. The rules that were supposed to help him be a better cultivator now made it difficult to deal with the situation, which only drove him crazy. Because of the rules, he was unable to break through and do anything more than lie down and cry and shout, only to immediately regret everything because he disturbed others with his noise.
The man was unaware of the cat's gray eyes watching him, its gaze assessing. The animal watched Lan Xichen try to get up, but instead the man rolled over and lay on the floor, staring at the window. From outside came the clatter of bamboo, the rustling of grasses - sounds that might have been soothing under other circumstances. The cat heard more, realized that there was a nest of birds nearby, where apparently the female was laying eggs. He heard hurried footsteps on the path near the hanshi, but apparently no one intended to go inside yet. Just as Lan Huan had no intention of getting up.
The cat let out a loud meow that could be perceived as a call. His tail moved rhythmically behind him, hitting the screen the animal hid behind from time to time. Seeing no response from the human, the cat meowed again, this time louder, with a shade of annoyance that the Sect Leader Lan didn't recognize. However, that one sound, repeated once more, was enough to make the man sit up again, placing his hands on his knees.
Lan Huan didn't want to startle the cat, especially when it turned out to be real. He looked for and caught sight of that cat, which froze as soon as their gazes locked, measuring each other. The cat twitched as if preparing to attack, anxiously awaiting the man's reaction, but the man didn't move, only smiled faintly.
"I don't know what you're looking for, but I doubt you'll find it here," he said quietly, almost in a whisper, paying no attention to his hoarse roughness of his voice. After these words he rose to approach the door, which he opened, showing the cat the way out, not knowing how the animal got inside.
However, the black tomcat straightened up and, with the pride characteristic of cats, approached the low table, sitting down beside it. It was as if he wanted to show that he wasn't going to go anywhere. This was something Lan Huan had not expected. He closed the door and took a step towards the table, which was enough for the cat to jump away again, going back behind the screen. The cat continued to watch Lan Huan from his chosen nook.
They passed the next two days similarly. When Lan Xichen wasn't looking, the cat explored the hanshi, peering into every hole, hiding in places where the man didn't expect to find it. At night the cat lay far away from him, under a low table, from under which it escaped behind a screen whenever the servants came in the morning with breakfast. The cat would hide there whenever someone came to the hanshi, and would leave completely when a bath was being prepared for Lan Xichen. No one noticed the black cat, which in turn watched Sect Leader Lan more intensely each day, becoming something the man sometimes sought out.
There were also times when Lan Huan couldn't spot him anywhere. Usually then, the cat would suddenly be near one of the open windows, tongue flickering at the corner of his mouth as if he had just eaten something. Surely, if only the man had been able to focus on it more, he would have begun to fear that the cat was hunting the rabbits that were Cloud Recesses' residents. Without realizing it, however, Lan Huan was always watching the animal, spending his days like this, sometimes interrupted by violent crying when he feared that the creature, too, would manage to hurt him with its own naivety.
So he wasn't surprised when one day the cat didn't appear. Although he looked for it in all the places where the animal usually hid, there was no trace of his new companion. This only strengthened the man's conviction that he shouldn't get attached to anyone or anything. Lan Xichen convinced himself that the cat would be better off without his company. The next day brought with it new pain and new longing.
Lan Huan didn't know that only three days had passed between the cat's appearance and its disappearance. The animal had slipped away from the hanshi before dawn and, sneaking between the bamboo, had reached the border of Cloud Recesses. He stopped, dropping low on his paws, looking around. His ears moved quickly, picking up all the sounds, helping to determine if he could steer quietly onward. After a moment, he moved ahead, silently leaping over an invisible to the eye but perceptible to his other senses, walking on - towards a small town at the base of the mountain.
Several of Gusu Lan's disciples flew over on their swords, laughing at something, boasting. None of them paid attention to the cat, which immediately stopped, looking towards them distrustfully. No one was interested in the additional animal around the sect headquarters. Perhaps if it was a demon, it would be spotted more quickly, but in the current situation, it was almost invisible. That was exactly what the cat cared about.
As soon as the animal reached the town, it slowed its stride, keeping closer to the buildings. It hid in the shadows, running quickly across the road until it reached an inn. People were going in and out, spreading the smell of the food being prepared that would make anyone hungry. Not surprisingly, the cat also slipped between the legs of customers inside. However, instead of heading to the kitchen, he ran to the floor where the guest rooms were located. He hung around for a while at the door leading to one of the rooms, clearly trying to get inside. Perhaps he would have succeeded, had he not been suddenly chased by an inn employee.
The cat hissed at her, growling furiously, and ran outside. He hid in the shadows for a while, lashing its tail nervously, watching its surroundings. When no one approached the back of the inn, the animal climbed up to the floor, leaping over the protrusions of the building to jump through the window into the right room. It froze near the floor, watching to see if anyone was inside, sniffing to see if anything had changed. Only after a moment did the cat move towards the bed, changing into a man as soon as it was behind the screen.
Long, dark hair fell down his back, some of which slid down from his shoulder to his chest, partially covering the scars that crossed it. The man stretched, feeling as if all his muscles had stagnated, then reached for his robes. He dressed quietly, slowly, checking the clarity of the bell at his belt. Finally, he reached his hands into his hair, first braiding two braids, which he tied into a bun with the rest of his hair, tying it with a purple ribbon.
Jiang Wanyin couldn't remember the last time he had taken cat form. No one knew about his ability to change shape except his mother. The woman couldn't do it, but he supposedly inherited this ability from his grandmother, Sect Leader Yu. They kept it a secret, training the ability to transform and controlling it so that he would never suddenly turn into a cat in a fit of emotion. However, since the death of his parents, since Sunshot Campaign, he had not transformed once, focusing on rebuilding the sect and later raising his nephew when he lost the others close to him.
He didn't suspect he would ever turn into a cat again, since every day like this reminded him of the past. No, he didn't try to forget it, nor did he intend to, as some people wanted, but there were things he didn't go back to. In a way, he thought that his shapeshifting was one of them. But clearly he needed a solid reason to tap into an ability unknown to others, to make more use of it.
The man stepped out from behind the screen, sitting down on the bed, falling on his back a moment later. Staring at the ceiling, he reflected on what he had seen while staying in the hanshi for three days. Lan Xichen's condition was more serious than he had suspected, something Gusu Lan had effectively hidden. He wasn't surprised and didn't resent them for refusing to let him in, to let him go to talk to his old friend. They also refused to give him any information about their leader's condition, which was also prudent given the circumstances. The entire cultivation world turned their eyes towards them - they were both connected to Jin Guangyao in some way, each differently. Still, their reactions were watched, their responses to what the former Sect Leader Jin had done noted, and they both had to be careful with their every move.
However, Jiang Cheng remembered what Lan Xichen was like before everything changed. He remembered admiring the other man in his youth. Zewu-Jun always had a smile on his face, he was kind, and at the same time he didn't let others dictate what he should do. He cared about others, sometimes complete strangers, having words of wisdom for everyone that took root in their hearts. Zewu-Jun was the perfect heir and later leader - he cared for the sect as if it were his own family, and saved his brother, who eventually abandoned him for love, from death. The man wasn't without flaws, but there was little to fault him for. Lan Xichen's greatest sin was naivety, and now he was paying a heavy price for it.
Sect Leader Jiang didn't know if he should do anything or if he should help Lan Xichen in any way, but the image of the man from before Sunshot Campaign didn't give him a break. Although he didn't say it out loud, he had taken the other man as a model of what he himself should be. Now, despite the resentment he had felt years ago when he wasn't allowed to be one of the sworn brothers, he heard a whisper in his head to help. He had the ability to keep an eye on Lan Xichen in the guise of a cat, though he couldn't do it too often, lest he arouse anyone's suspicions or leave his own sect alone too long.
Jiang Wanyin snorted under his breath, rising from the bed to attach Sandu to his belt and leave the room to order some simple breakfast for himself. After eating, he didn't wait for anything else, heading off to Lanling Jin, where he had officially been for four days. No one knew that he had spent three full days in Gusu Lan, and it was going to stay that way. The man didn't want to get into a discussion of what he was doing with anyone, much less explain anything. He himself didn't know how to put into words the fact that after refusing to meet with the Sect Leader Lan, he had simply paid for a room for a week in advance, then transformed into a cat and broke into Gusu Lan. He should definitely not mention this to anyone.
The trip to Koi Tower took him half a day, thanks to his exertion to fly as fast as possible on Sandu. He arrived there exhausted, immediately being bombarded with questions about why it had taken him so long to get there and the fact that he was supposed to have arrived three days earlier. Since Jiang Cheng had no intention of talking to his nephew about Sect Leader Lan, he quickly changed the subject to something more pressing - taking over the leadership of Lanling Jin.
After Jin Guangyao's death, whether he wanted it or not, whether he was ready or not, Jin Ling became the sect leader. On his young shoulders rested a burden that Jiang Wanyin also had to bear quite early on. So he tried to be a support for his nephew while not doing anything for him, which was necessary so that the other sects wouldn't start whispering that Yunmeng Jiang had taken over another sect. This was incredibly annoying.
For the next day, only helping the young Sect Leader Jin occupied Jiang Cheng's mind, effectively distracting him from Lan Xichen's problem. He had to repeatedly remind his nephew that he was no longer a spoiled brat who was forgiven for his arrogance. Although the boy was undoubtedly not doing too badly in his new situation, there was still a lot of learning ahead of him, and less than two days in Koi Tower certainly couldn't change much. Jiang Cheng promised to come again in a while, pointing out to Jin Ling that despite everything, he should make his own decisions if he didn't want to be considered a worse leader than his predecessor. Although he had shouted at him more than once, or threatened to break his legs, he had tried his best to make Jin Ling grow into someone that Jiang Yanli would be proud of.
Sect Leader Jiang returned to Lotus Pier after a week's absence, discovering with satisfaction that nothing had happened during his absence that the Elders and disciples couldn't handle. After listening to the reports and making sure the villagers didn't need his help, he headed to the lake terrace, the one where his mother used to think. He needed to think about what to do next, what he was going to do with everything he had learned. Did he want to get involved in helping Lan Xichen? Should he tell Lan Qiren, whom he respected, directly that he thought Sect Leader Lan was on a straight path to join his sworn brothers? Should he tell anyone about his ability and possibility to guard Lan Xichen in the form of a cat? He knew the answer to some of these questions, others were more complicated.
He was sure that he wasn't going to tell anyone about his shapeshifting. When Jin Ling was young, he made sure that the boy didn't have the same gift as him, but apparently Jiang Yanli didn't pass on their grandmother's ability to him. So if he was going to tell someone his secret, he would prefer it to be his nephew first, and then the possible people he would have to somehow convince that he was able to help Lan Xichen. Only he didn't at all want to have to explain that ability, demonstrate it, endure Jin Ling's resentful tone for concealing something so important from him. Explaining that it was something that couldn't help him save his parents, or even his sister, so it wasn’t really important.
The wind blew from the side of the lake, gently stirring the surface, setting the floating lotuses in motion. The plants, which on one hand filled the man with pride as they bloomed and showed their beauty to everyone - just like a sect that, despite being destroyed, rose up and carried the name of one of the great sects again, on the other hand, brought back unpleasant memories exactly the same way, sometimes causing Sect Leader Jiang to sit motionless like a statue, staring at the flowers, seeming to be somewhere else with his thoughts. What was different now was that he was trying to find a suitable way out of the situation he unexpectedly found himself in.
He couldn't completely ignore the condition of someone he once admired, had considered as a role model. Unfortunately, he saw no way to convince Lan Qiren of his idea. After all, he didn't even know if his presence in the form of a cat would be of any help. He wasn't familiar with therapy methods, and he believed that Gusu Lan's medics were doing everything they could to help their leader. He also couldn't leave his own sect to help someone with whom he was bound only by the good relations established by their predecessors.
His gray gaze moved across the surface of the water, sweeping over the boats of fishermen and merchants floating in the distance. He could see the harbor bustling with activity as everyone quietly prepared for the evening to go out fishing again, or to moor the boat and go back to selling fruit the next morning. It didn't seem like anyone had realized that Sect Leader Jiang had disappeared for a week. The man smiled under his breath, figuring that he could try to disappear the same way next month, since no one paid much attention to his expedition andeverything was fine with the sect and the ordinary people.
The wind blew again, moving Jiang Cheng's ribbon, and he smiled slightly at the corner of his mouths as he made the decision to help. He still didn't know what he would have to do, but he was of the opinion that Zewu-Jun shouldn't stay completely alone, even if that was his wish, if that was what his father had done before. In three days, he had only seen the wreckage of a man, a shadow, and he wasn't going to wait until he was informed of Sect Leader Lan's death or madness. However, not everything could be done right away, and some decisions needed time to come true.
***
The following days turned into weeks, until a month passed unnoticed by Lan Huan. The man was still unable to move on, only sinking deeper and deeper into his own thoughts, collapsing into himself, but he didn't know how he was supposed to prevent it. He didn't even feel the need to. Every day was invariably accompanied by pain - the only sign that he was alive, unlike his sworn brothers.
There were times when he forgot about it. He would sit down at the table with ink and parchment prepared to begin writing a letter to his friends, intending to invite them to Cloud Recesses for tea together if they found time in the midst of their duties. He usually hung the brush over the parchment, decorating it with drops of ink that dripped unseen as the man looked out the window. The man recalled each day, each of their conversations, tormenting himself with his own naivety, looking for the moment when he could have done something to prevent tragedy. There was no shortage of such moments.
But more often there were days when he threw the food dishes standing on the table, breaking them. Days when he screamed, clearing his throat, unable to otherwise express his anger at himself. His weapons had long since been hidden away, so he couldn't do anything stupid. The man, however, reproached himself every moment he didn't listen to Nie Mingjue, ignoring his warnings. When he let his faith in the good in every person blind him, despite signals from many directions that Jin Guangyao wasn't quite what Lan Huan thought he was.
The first sign, which should have been enough to not fully trust the man was when Meng Yao paralyzed Sect Leader Nie using a Qishan Wen technique. Then he killed a group of cultivators for taking credit for him, and escaped by getting into Qishan Wen. The next should have been the ambush in Yangquan that Lan Xichen himself led Nie Mingjue into after the messages he received from Jin Guangyao. It was as if he had cooperated with him, as if he had pushed his friend into a near fatal trap himself, allowing Qishan Wen's cultivators to severely injure Sect Leader Nie and bring him before Wen Ruohan. Chifeng-Zun might have died there, as his men had died, and even then Lan Xichen remembered holding back his friend's anger. Anger that Nie Mingjue should direct at them both.
However, he couldn't find the answer to the question - why. Why did Meng Yao see no other way to make a name for himself in their world than to line the road with corpses? Why did he decide to play with all of them, abusing their friendship? Why did he decide to kill Nie Mingjue? Why didn't he himself see that he was being used like a tool?
Each question was like a blade piercing him to the core. The pain grew in his chest, choking him, taking away his ability to think, until finally it forced him to scream, to which no one responded, to which no one came. There were days when Lan Xichen could hear the noise around him, his own thoughts, his own growing questions, his doubts. Noise that turned into thunder, causing the man's headache, sending him to his knees. Unable to find the right answer to his questions, he only tangled more in them.
In between it all, the images of anger, grief, pain, disbelief, sadness painted on the faces of his loved ones, there was the image of a cat. Something that sometimes surprised the man, who managed to almost completely forget about it - about the strange animal that had appeared unexpectedly in the hanshi a month ago and just as unexpectedly disappeared after three days.
The man didn't look for him. At first, he wasn't even surprised that he was left alone again. He figured that if the cat wasn't a ghost, he would certainly be better off wild than with him, since he was only hurting everyone around him. He didn't want to hurt an animal, either. Later, he gradually reassured himself that the cat was only an illusion, a creation of his subconscious wanting to reassure him that he still had a friend. However, days went by, and the cat didn't appear, until one day Lan Xichen was awakened by a loud meow.
For a moment the man lay in bed, discovering to his amazement that it had begun to dawn. He couldn't remember the last time he had been able to watch the sun's rays slowly peeking through the windows into the hanshi. Wallowing in his own pain, he didn't sleep at night, oversleeping for days afterwards. He would wake up when his stomach demanded food, only to throw up after a few bites and fall asleep again. On better days, he would wake up moments after the servants left to bring him breakfast. Now, however, it was different.
Lan Huan swept his eyes around the room, searching for the source of the sound, wondering if this was another time when his own imagination had woken him up, only changing his loved ones to an animal. As if on cue, his dark gaze came across the silhouette of the cat, which was once again sitting under the window through which he apparently had entered the hanshi. Like the first time, which seemed to be only a dream, the animal kept low on its paws, though this time it didn't look uncertain.
The cat's gray eyes stared directly at the man, who sat uncertainly on the bed. His dark hair fell over his shoulders and the ribbon on his forehead was visibly crooked, but Lan Xichen was unaware of it. He returned the cat's gaze, wondering what it was doing here, while being certain that it was the same cat as before. It didn't have any distinguishing features - it was black, large, and had gray, bright eyes, yet the man was willing to swear that it was the same animal.
"You better get away from here, my friend. You won't find food here," Lan Xichen spoke up quietly. His voice was hoarse, dry, as if the man hadn't had a chance to talk to someone in a long time. He laughed softly, covering his eyes with his hand as soon as it occurred to him that he was speaking to a cat as if he were speaking to a human. He had expected the animal to run away as soon as he moved, so the emptiness under the window didn't surprise him. However, he immediately twitched in fright when he discovered that the creature had managed to silently approach his bed without taking its eyes off him. After a moment, the meow sounded again, and the black tail danced behind the creature, moving rather quickly from side to side.
"I don't understand you, unfortunately," Lan Xichen addressed the animal again, making a motion as if to lie down, to which the cat hissed at him. As much as it was possible, the man had the impression that the animal was looking at him with more anger. As if it was expecting something from him, and he had to figure it out. Or as if it was preparing to attack him if he made the wrong move.
"It will be better if you leave now. Believe me, you don't want to be in my company," Sect Leader Lan said quietly, and his voice faltered as the pain in his chest grew stronger. Naive, worthless, unworthy to continue living, a puppet, a passive murderer... The accusations were boiling in his head, spoken in different voices. Again sadness began to mix with anger at others, at himself, at fate. The man groaned, pulling his knees up to his chin, wanting to disappear, when again he heard a meow. Loud, as if calling, repeating until he looked towards the cat.
They stared at each other for a long moment - the animal, lashing its tail nervously, ready to leap if its opponent made a wrong move, and the human, with eyes shining from tears, an expression of despair on his face. Finally, Lan Xichen sighed, extending his hand towards the cat, not knowing for himself if he wanted to, to see if this one would bite, or to see if its fur was soft. None of that happened, and the cat merely moved away a bit, sniffing the hand extended towards it from a safe distance. Not much later, the animal jumped away, hiding behind the screen again.
They stayed side by side for the rest of the day, checking the other's behavior, his habits, his reactions. When the man went out of the hanshi, the cat also went outside, returning not much after Lan Xichen's return. However, the cat never followed him into the main buildings of Cloud Recesses. He also hid from the disciples or servants, who made sure the man didn't lack anything. Sect Leader Lan wasn't that familiar with animals, but he got the impression that the cat didn't want anyone to know about its presence in the hanshi. The thought was completely absurd, however, and though it brought a pale smile to the man's face for a moment, it was quickly stifled by the remorse he couldn't seem to shake and suspected that this was never going to change again.
The next day, Sect Leader Lan reassured himself that the cat must have chosen the hanshi for a temporary home by complete coincidence. The animal ignored him, moving away whenever the man got too close. It always hissed at him then and looked away distrustfully. The black tail only seemed stationary when the cat was asleep, at other times it moved nervously from side to side. Not once did the cat come closer to Lan Huan, nor did it allow itself to be touched. Though they lived side by side, he maintained full detachment, in time beginning to act as if the hanshi was his. He even managed to lay on the man's bed and hiss at him when the man wanted to lie down himself. If only cats could be responsible for humans, Lan Xichen was ready to suspect that the animal had been sent by someone to guard him. That, however, wasn't possible.
Perhaps Lan Qiren, though more because of the need to lead the sect. He certainly wouldn't send Lan Wangji's creation. He had no reason to be interested in his condition, now that he was off into the world with his beloved. In the end, they didn't travel long, though Lan Huan wasn't sure how much time had really passed. For him, far too few days had passed for him to move on. He couldn't stop thinking about what he could have done better. He was also unable to accept the fact that his two best friends were dead. These thoughts continually made the man's mood worse, bringing tears to his eyes that squeezed unnoticed down his cheeks.
At such moments, the cat hid behind the screen, watching Lan Xichen carefully. He didn't approach, apparently unsure if the man posed a threat. Such thoughts only brought a bitter smile to Sect Leader Lan's lips. He was doom for others since he couldn't see the dangers right next to him.
"You do well to keep your distance, my friend... Two people close to me have died because of me, and many others have suffered... It will be better if you find another place to sleep," Lan Xichen said quietly towards the evening of the third day of the cat's presence. He lay in bed, staring into the gray eyes of the cat that lay behind the screen again. There was a bitterness in his voice beyond the pain, a self-pity that accompanied him constantly.
Sect Leader Lan was astonished to discover that the cat had moved, coming closer, to eventually curl up in a ball on the bed, close to him. It still hadn't touched him, still remained alert, but it had definitely moved closer to him. Lan Huan wondered for a moment how he should read it, until finally he smiled at the creature, falling asleep a moment later. Through sleep, a lone tear left the corner of the man's eye, leaving no trace in the morning, much like a cat that had disappeared again.
Although something had ended again for the man, time didn’t stop, and the next months passed one by one. Lan Xichen, in spite of himself, began to look out for the cat's next visits, discovering that they happened fairly regularly. The creature always stayed with him for three days, only to disappear for another month. The man didn't know what was behind it, and he never gathered the courage to try to set out in search of it. He still feared that sooner or later he would somehow manage to hurt an animal that he wasn't even responsible for.
He remembered one of the days when the servants had talked about the black cat they had spotted a month earlier. They feared the animal was sneaking into Cloud Recesses to hunt rabbits. They had even tried to scare the animal away a few times, chasing it among the bamboo. Lan Huan then smiled gently for the first time in a long time.
It wasn't his old familiar smile, but being slightly amused by the situation, he didn't even know that he lifted the corner of his mouth. Later, remorse struck him and reason could not fight it. He couldn't convince himself that he had the right to return to life, to return to enjoying even small things. He still felt that he should have died instead of Nie Mingjue, and certainly be locked in a coffin with him and Jin Guangyao.
There were days when he felt disgusted with himself. Then, looking at his hands, he saw blood on them that he couldn't wash off. He also couldn’t think of Liebing. There were times when he longed for his flute, when he felt the urge to play to clear his own thoughts, but then he always remembered what Lianfang-Zun had done with Cleansing. That was also his fault. Not only did he teach Jin Guangyao the melody, he also let him stay in Cloud Recesses whenever he wanted, thus making it easier for him to reach the Hall of Forbidden Books. Whenever he looked back, he saw nothing but his own guilt.
Because of this, the remorse when he allowed himself the shadow of a smile refused to leave him. Although there weren’t many such moments, each time it was equally difficult for the man to return to apparent peace. This was definitely helped by the regular visits of the black cat. The animal did nothing but be next to the man, but it was enough to make Lan Huan gradually feel better. There weren't significant changes, but the dark gaze was no longer suffused with pain, though the grief didn't go away.
One day, Lan Huan caught the cat playing with the ribbon his letters were tied with. Most were from Yunmeng Jiang, the man discovered with amazement, feeling as if he were seeing them for the first time. Yes, he had seen his uncle walk over to the table by the window and place the letters on it, but Sect Leader Lan had never paid much attention to them. He didn't wonder what they might have been, having not approached them in a long time, not wanting to read them, afraid of the accusations he would face.
However, he didn’t want the cat to destroy any of the unread letters. He approached the animal slowly, which seemed too engrossed in grabbing the ribbon with its paws to be interested in a human. For a moment, Lan Xichen hesitated as to what he should do, eventually reaching his hands out to lift the animal gently. The cat meowed loudly, as if protesting what the man was doing, and though seemingly immobile, his tail betrayed his irritation by moving sideways again.
"You're annoyed again... I'm sorry, my friend, but it's a letter I haven't read yet," Lan Huan said quietly, walking away from the letter table, still holding the cat in his hands, which was certainly not comfortable for the animal, so he immediately silently apologized to him again.
He placed the cat carefully on the bed, sitting down next to him, taking the ribbon he himself used to tie the letters out of his sleeve. He slid the material across the bed, in front of the cat, wondering if this would encourage it to play. The animal watched him for a moment, still looking offended at being moved so abruptly, completely ignoring the new ribbon.
"You know, I've heard that animals resemble their owners, but you don't resemble me one bit," Lan Xichen said quietly, smiling softly, but quickly turning serious as the cat hissed at him, tail thumping even harder to the side.
"Ah... Yes... You're right... I'm not your owner after all... I don't even know why you come here," the man whispered, becoming motionless, staring only at his lap. Had he really started to get so used to the cat that he was ready to call it his cat? Just like the rabbits belonged to Lan Wangji. However, there were too many differences between a cat that appeared for three days and disappeared for a month and the flock of rabbits that the sect looked after in Lan Wangji's absence.
Lan Huan twitched when he felt a tug on the ribbon he still held in his hand. He looked to the side to see that the cat had reached for it with its paw and was pulling at it, trying to grab it with its teeth. The animal had reacted to his movement, and was now staring intently at the man, who pulled gently on the ribbon. In a moment, the cat jerked his paw harder, throwing himself right onto the ribbon as if it were prey that was trying to escape him, effectively focusing Sect Leader Lan's attention on itself. They played like this for a long time, until the cat suddenly broke away and rushed outside, as if summoned by someone.
Lan Xichen stared at the window for a long moment before finally walking over to the letter table. He reached for the latest letter from Sect Leader Jiang, not knowing what he should expect. He was afraid of what he might find there, what he was about to read in a moment. It was as if his future depended on it, yet he wouldn't be surprised if words of displeasure, or accusations were waiting for him. After all, it was because of him that Jin Ling was in danger. However, nothing of the sort was in the letter. Instead, Lan Huan was amazed at how gentle Sect Leader Jiang sounded, though at the same time the letter was full of impatience. That evening was the first time the man didn't cry as he wrote back, leaving the letter on the table as he finally headed to bed.
He was unaware that the black cat had slipped back into the hanshi and was watching him curiously as he slept. Silently, the animal approached the bed, which it carefully climbed onto without taking its gaze off the man's face. Slowly, the cat came closer, stopping just short of Lan Xichen's head to place a paw on his cheek after staring at him for a long moment. Nothing changed, the man was still sleeping, so the cat jumped off the bed, heading behind the screen and onto the table with the letter.
Only there did he transform into a human, stretching silently, feeling like all his muscles had stagnated again from being under the form of a cat. Jiang Wanyin looked towards the bed where the other man was lying peacefully and sighed soundlessly.
'Now at least I can see what you wrote back to me... You'd better send it,' he thought, lifting the letter up, turning it over so that the moonlight could illuminate the parchment. As he read, he smiled unconsciously at every mention of the cat.
The letter wasn't what he had expected, but it testified to the gradual improvement in the Lan Sect Leader's condition. That, in turn, was enough for Jiang Cheng, who couldn't stop comparing the current Lan Xichen to the old one that lived in his memories. However, there was not much left in him of that young heir who helped others with a smile on his lips.
'I wonder what you would do if you were me... If you were the one trying to help someone who seems to have sunk into the past, what would you want to do first? It would be easier if they would just let me come talk to you, without all this cat play...' he thought, shaking his head slightly as he looked at the letter again. If it wasn't for the fact that he spent three days at Sect Leader Lan's side every month, reading the letter, he would have concluded that the man was in good mental shape, that he didn't have a breakdown several times a day. His hand must have held the brush securely, for there was no sign of a trembling hand, no trace of hesitation, no uncertainty. The whole thing was annoyingly correct, so incongruous with what Jiang Cheng had seen during his time in hanshi…
Sect Leader Jiang, I seem to have a cat, though I don't know if I can say that. He comes to me regularly, and today he even started playing with me. I cannot fathom why he comes to me, however, his presence is definitely pleasant. Have there been any dogs again at Lotus Pier? I think, contrary to the rules I was taught, animals don’t necessarily bring chaos and disorder. Forgive me for not replying to letters earlier. I'll try my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. Zewu-Jun.
Jiang Wanyin snorted under his breath, transforming into a cat again to return to the bed in that form, where he curled up, laying his head on his paws. He stared at Lan Xichen for a long moment before finally falling asleep, filled with thoughts of how much longer it would take for the man to get back on his feet. He knew it wouldn't happen in another two days, but he hoped he wouldn't have to spend the winter under the form of a cat, remembering how cold the days had been during his teachings at Cloud Recesses. Eventually, he too fell asleep, sinking into further plans interspersed with the cat's dream of a fish.
***
The wind was ruffling Sect Leader Jiang's robes as he flew on Sandu, ignoring the weather that was getting worse by the minute. He was engrossed in his thoughts and focused on reaching the village just outside Cloud Recesses as soon as possible to rent a room at an inn, different from the one he had been to before, and then going to the hanshi again in the form of a cat. He involuntarily wondered if Lan Xichen was also now anticipating his arrival, or if he had already stopped paying attention.
More than six months had passed since the first letter that Sect Leader Lan had sent to him. The date of the first Conference after recent events was approaching, and Jiang Cheng knew that their presence would be required. However, he didn't know if the other man was willing to face the other sect leaders, their evaluation and comments. Although he was doing better and better, although fits of sudden grief were becoming less frequent in his presence, Jiang Wanyin was still unsure. He couldn't ask directly in the letters either, not sure if those weren't checked first by Lan Qiren after all, not to mention the problem of clarifying the information he had.
The man soon spotted the lights of the town, so he lowered his flight, eventually jumping off his sword and hiding it. He directed his steps towards one of the inns more on the outskirts of town, immediately asking for a room for a few days, paying in advance. He stipulated that he didn't want anyone to disturb him, then headed to his room. Jiang Wanyin felt uneasy, as he always did, as he undressed and quietly folded his robes, placing them on his bed, next to Sandu, his clarity bell, and Zidian. Removing the last one made him feel strangely naked, vulnerable. He feared that if anyone knew what he was doing, what he was leaving unattended in the room of the first better inn, they might either try to steal what valuables he had, or they might spite him for being irresponsible. Even at this moment, he could hear the voice of his nephew, who would point out all the times he had accused him of carefree himself. However, Jiang Cheng saw no other option, and hiding things in a sack in the forest was an even worse idea.
He sighed silently once more, snorting under his breath, and after a moment turned into a cat with a quiet purr. The animal arched his back, stretching, extending his claws and sliding them gently across the wooden floor. Finally, the cat moved ahead, only to jump out of the open window onto the roof of a neighboring house and head towards Cloud Recesses along a familiar path. He felt the change in weather more clearly in this form, the chill that accompanied the mountainous surroundings. He was glad that his fur warmed him well enough after all.
In a few minutes he was near the hanshi, approaching the hut slowly, sniffing the air to make sure no one else was inside. Usually there was no one, though this time something had changed. The cat stopped under the open window, sensing the distinct scent of someone more than just Lan Xichen. He crouched to the ground, ears pricking up, catching the sounds of conversation from inside.
"The invitation to the Conference came, Xichen. I wanted to know if you intended to attend," Lan Qiren's voice reached the cat's ears, picking up even more clearly on the tension that must have accompanied the man. It was no secret that Lan Qiren was worried about his nephews, each for a different reason, while also holding some responsibilities of a sect leader again. He also knew that Lan Xichen's condition had been improving for over half a year, and right now the man seemed to be stuck in seclusion by force.
"I'm not sure, uncle, if I'm willing to take part in it," came the sincere, quiet reply from Sect Leader Lan. A tremor could barely be heard in his voice, a desire to withdraw from the conversation. The cat flicked its tail in annoyance, then jumped silently to the window, where it froze, staring at the men at the low table.
Lan Qiren was sitting with his back to the window, so he couldn't see the animal, but Lan Huan noticed him. He clearly wanted to say something else, but he stood still, suddenly smiling gently, which surprised his uncle. However, before the elderly man could ask about this unexpected smile, Lan Xichen covered himself with tea, drinking a bit of it.
"I understand. You still have time to change your mind. If not, however, I will go along with Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui" replied Lan Qiren quietly, bowing his head for a moment. He hadn't expected any immediate agreement from his nephew, and yet some part of him was disappointed. He had hoped that he could convince Lan Xichen to try to attend the Conference, but the man's tone of voice showed that while he seemed to be making progress, he still harbored much sadness and doubt. In such a state, he couldn't show himself to the other leaders, who might want to hold him responsible for Jin Guangyao's actions.
"Thank you, uncle," Lan Xichen answered, bowing slightly to the man. He saw the cat silently make its way towards the screen, slipping unnoticed to the other side of it where it couldn't be seen by Lan Qiren. He didn't know how he should take the cat's behavior, the fact that it acted as if it was at home, but he felt good with the knowledge that the animal had returned to him again.
Lan Huan had long thought of him as his cat. A wild animal that he had domesticated to some degree, just as it had brought him back to life. He wasn't naive enough to believe that the pain of losing sworn brothers, of being betrayed by one of them, and of the remorse that had long accompanied him, would disappear completely on their own. The cat had helped them to do so, or at least helped him to calm his heart. He couldn't yet say that he forgave himself for his mistakes, that he knew how he should make amends to others for the wrongs they had suffered through his carelessness, and there were many such people - like Nie Huaisang, Jin Ling, or at least Jiang Wanyin.
To the first one, he wouldn't be able to look him in the eye for various reasons. The first and most important was that he could have prevented Nie Mingjue's death if only he had listened to him earlier. If he had taken a moment to think about what Chifeng-Zun was saying, instead of blindly believing in Jin Guangyao's goodness, he might have been able to save his friend from such a cruel end, a death in suffering.
However, there was another reason that hid in the shadows of the other thoughts, being at first an unpleasant premonition before it eventually took a clearer form. Lan Huan suspected that Nie Huaisang had specifically shouted in the temple, causing him to pierce Meng Yao with his sword. They were about to trap Nie Mingjue's body in a coffin and judge Lianfang-Zun when suddenly Nie Huaisang shouted, suggesting that Jin Guangyao was going to attack him.
At the time, he hadn't paid much attention to it, but nearly a year after those events, many details began to make themselves known, showing him how easily he allowed himself to be manipulated. Showing that perhaps they should also fear the mind of Nie Huaisang, who, while not displaying a sick desire for power, was able to direct people to do something they didn't want to do. Not only was this disturbing, but it also stirred anger in Lan Xichen's heart, which only carried with it more remorse, betraying how much he still couldn't cope with what had happened.
He was also afraid to look at Jin Ling. The death of Jin Zixuan, his father, also turned out to be partially planned by Jin Guangyao, and this brought about further events that led to the boy becoming an orphan. Additionally, Jin Ling was used like a bargaining chip at the temple. He had been wounded, nearly deprived of his life by his uncle, whom Nie Mingjue might have stopped earlier if only Lan Xichen had believed him.
Jiang Wanyin, on the other hand, was the last person whose letters he expected to receive, and there was much in them of concern. He remembered what he had been like back during his time at the Cloud Recesses, when underneath his apparent reluctance, he had cared for his loved ones, when he already knew well what the sect's good name meant and what to do to preserve it. How could he look into the eyes of someone who turned out to be kind to him, whose letters were not a reproach, when at the same time he knew how much pain he had indirectly inflicted on him?
And yet, letters from Sect Leader Jiang kept coming, and he kept writing back. They had been writing with each other regularly for over half a year since he mentioned the black cat coming down to the hanshi for three days. He usually talked about what changes he noticed in nature, what the cat was doing when he showed up, what the servants and students were talking about. He never answered the question about how he himself was feeling. He didn't want to burden Jiang Cheng with his own problems, his grief, afraid of the man's reaction, as if the man would only confirm his thoughts, this feeling that he should have died too.
For this reason, though he was eager to share with the man the events of his day, stories of what had changed around the hanshi, he didn't betray his own mood, though Jiang Wanyin seemed to read between the lines, always adding words of encouragement. Quite crude, as if he didn't know what words he should use, but clear. Lan Xichen was grateful to him for them, and for that reason he didn't know how he should behave if they happened to meet. He was of the opinion that it was these letters and the presence of the cat that had helped him get back on his feet, gradually beginning to return to his own duties, to leading the sect.
The man said goodbye to his uncle, standing in the open doorway for a moment, watching as the white robes slowly disappeared between the bamboo. He felt that his behavior wasn't making things any easier for Lan Qiren, that he was still heaping too much weight on the older man’s shoulders, but he couldn't take the final step to a full return, and he suspected that this might go on for a long time. Perhaps he could withdraw from his position as sect leader and hand over the reins to Lan Jingyi? He knew that the young disciple was the one best suited for this role, though at the same time he was far from the attitude of even Lan Qiren. At the same time, perhaps the young man would be able to bring a breath of fresh air to a Gusu Lan so locked into his own rules.
"I wondered if you would come this month as well," Lan Huan spoke up as he closed the door to the hanshi and turned toward the screen where the black cat lay peacefully. The gray eyes stared at him as if waiting for the man's further words. Finally, he meowed quietly, laying his head on the floor and turning it slightly. Lan Xichen felt like approaching the animal to run his fingers through its soft fur, but refrained from doing so, suspecting that the cat would run away before he could touch it anyway.
"I know I don't have the right to call you my cat, but there are days when I wish..." he confessed quietly, walking closer to the animal but not reaching out to him. He sat down at the table, looking at the last of Sect Leader Jiang's letters that he had not yet managed to answer. He knew he should do so that day, but in that letter too, there was a question about the Conference. A question he should answer, though he didn't know how. He twitched when he felt pressure on his thigh and noticed the cat, who acted as if he wanted the man to look at him and keep talking. He even sat down right next to him, staring expectantly into Lan Xichen's face.
"Relax, I'm not going to domesticate you by force," the man assured, smiling sadly, and extended his hand carefully towards the cat, staring in amazement as he rubbed his head against the inside of his palm. He whispered his thanks, smiling warmly towards the animal, then sighed heavily.
"You see Cat, this is a letter I need to respond to, but I don't know what to write. I've already let so many people down, hurt so many people, that I don't know what to do to avoid repeating past mistakes. I could attend the Conference, but I don't feel ready to explain that I really didn't know what Lianfang-Zun was planning. Plus... how would I look him in the eye? Things got complicated because of me, he almost lost his nephew, and before that, I and the other leaders forced him to fight his brother. Now he is the one who is my friend, giving me encouragement with every letter, even though I am not worthy of it." Lan Huan spoke quietly, sliding his fingertips over the letter from Jiang Wanyin, gently touching the purple ribbon. There was much of a tenderness in his movements, though he didn't realize it. He sighed heavily, shaking his head as he looked at the cat again.
"It's kind of like with you. I haven't done anything for you, I don't even know if there's anything I can do, and yet you come here every month, helping me deal with everything... Before, I thought seclusion was the right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure... However, I also can't get out of hanshi, back among the others" he added, shaking his head, wondering aloud if he could really have written about this in a letter to Jiang Cheng. He was of the opinion that the man deserved an explanation, even one as flimsy as his. To his surprise, the cat jumped up on the table to grab the brush in his teeth and drop it on the man's robes, leaving ink stains on them. Lan Xichen laughed quietly, beginning to write the letter after a moment, surreptitiously watching the cat who sat beside him, staring at the parchment as if trying to read the next words.
Time slowly passed, and as Lan Xichen left the letter to dry, preparing to bathe himself, the cat left for the evening hunt. The man wasn't sure when it returned to the hanshi, going to bed himself shortly after the evening bell, falling asleep almost immediately. It wasn't a deep sleep, however. The conversation with his uncle, and his decision to confess everything to Jiang Wanyin in a letter, caused Lan Huan to wake up quite often, while feeling that he should add a few more words to the letter. He should definitely thank him for his concern, for the interest he didn't have to show him.
The unpleasant feeling that he hadn't finished something really important finally woke the man, forcing him to sit up on the bed. He was about to head immediately to the low table to finish the missing sentences when he realized that there was a faint light burning at the table. At first, Lan Xichen thought that things weren't as good with him as he thought, since he had forgotten to turn off the lantern. Only after a moment did he realize that he heard someone's voice and that a figure was sitting at the table and seemed to be reading his letter. Then, he thought of his uncle, but uncle would never break one of the basic rules.
He tentatively stepped out of bed, trying to do so as silently as possible. He felt his heart begin to pound in his chest, and spiritual energy begin to circulate faster through his veins. Furthermore, he didn't have any weapons with him, so he would only have to rely on his own hands and skills if it came to a fight. Lan Xichen became still as the low, warm voice reached him again, sounding clearer as he got closer to the screen.
"Your cat, right? Lan Huan... I wonder if you would like it if you knew who the cat was" the man spoke to himself, snorting under his breath in that distinctive way.
Lan Xichen felt his ears begin to burn as soon as he realized that there was no one else in his house but Jiang Wanyin. He wanted to step out from behind the screen, to ask how the man got here, who let him in, but one look at him was enough for Sect Leader Lan to back off.
At a low table indeed sat Jiang Cheng, holding a letter addressed to him in his hands. What surprised Lan Xichen, however, was that the man was naked. In the pale light of the lantern, he could see his dark, loose hair falling down his back, reaching below his loins. He could see the shadows dancing on Sect Leader Jiang's shoulders, showing how muscular his body was, crisscrossed with thin scars. The largest, thickest were on the man's chest, something Lan Huan couldn't see from behind the screen, but which his imagination reminded him of in an instant. The blush was already covering not only the older man's ears, but also his cheeks, and neck. He retreated to the bed, trying to do so as silently as possible, where he immediately covered his head with the blanket, trying to understand what had happened.
However, a movement from behind the screen drew Jiang Cheng's attention, and he cursed under his breath as he hurriedly extinguished the lantern. He quickly returned to his cat form, shifting his gray gaze around the room. He knew that taking human form in hanshi was risky, but it had never happened so far that Lan Xichen had not slept hard as stone. Because of this, he allowed himself to stretch his body occasionally, returning to his human form. Apparently, this one time he had lost his alertness, and now he needed to ascertain whether the other man was indeed awake and had seen him, or merely had a restless sleep. Though in his recent visits, he hadn't noticed Lan Huan having nightmares, anything was possible.
The cat slowly approached the bed, hopping onto it and heading towards the man's face. He was sure that the man wasn't fully asleep, but it was hard to tell if he had actually gotten up a moment ago or if he had just dreamt something. After staring at the man's face for a while, the cat curled up next to him, falling asleep.
For the next few days, Lan Xichen watched the cat closely, having trouble sleeping soundly at night. Nothing happened, however, to confirm that he hadn't had a hallucination the night he saw Jiang Cheng in hanshi. Still, Lan Huan couldn't believe that it was all just a dream. Not when he saw the similarities between the cat's behavior and Sect Leader Jiang. All this made him finally agree to attend the Conference, believing that he would be able to speak with Jiang Cheng in private.
He wasn't sure how he should bring up the topic he was interested in, after all, it would be difficult to explain why he thought the man appeared in hanshi at night. Until now, no one had heard of the ability to change form among members of Yunmeng Jiang, though the existence of such talents wasn't denied. However, Lan Xichen knew that he couldn't just walk up to the other leader expecting some sort of explanation when he could simply be wrong.
The next few days passed on similar considerations, during which the cat managed to move away in a direction known only to himself. Sect Leader Lan tried to stop himself from sending a letter to Lotus Pier asking how the animal was doing and if it had happily returned home. He realized that if he was right, he could put Jiang Wanyin in an awkward position, while if he was wrong, he would only confirm the others' suspicion that he wasn't fully able to return to his leadership duties after all. He had to wait for Conference, which came sooner than he expected.
The man arrived in the company of his uncle and Lan Jingyi. He dreaded what was to come in the meeting with the other leaders, but tried to act as he had in the past. He smiled softly, held his hands in front of him so no one would accuse him of hiding anything, but he tried not to get drawn into any conversation.
In truth, Lan Huan was terrified, and the memories of the gruesome events and the imagined accusations that the other leaders might direct at him were beginning to overwhelm him. He didn't even pay attention when he almost ran into the delegation from Yunmeng Jiang, stopping at the last moment right in front of one of the students. He apologized, trying to move away when a gray gaze and a crooked smile caught his attention.
"Sect Leader Lan, are you alright? You seem distracted," Jiang Cheng spoke up, interrupting the conversation with his own nephew. Both concern and a shade of amusement could be heard in his voice as he saw the confusion in the other man's dark eyes. Jin Ling watched them closely, having a strange feeling that his uncle had lost interest in his surroundings in an instant, focusing fully on Lan Xichen.
"Thank you for your concern, Sect Leader Jiang, it's just plain travel fatigue though..." the other man replied, feeling his ears burning. Enough time had passed since the day he thought he had seen Jiang Cheng, naked, sitting on the floor of the hanshi and reading his letter to doubt what he had seen. Still, in a second, Lan Huan felt as if everything had happened the day before. He felt he needed to know if his crazy guess was true, but he didn't know how to ask. In the end, he remained silent, not knowing what he should do as he also greeted the Jin Sect Leader, bowing to him.
He didn't see the hostility in the young leader's gaze that he had expected about the Jin Gunagyao affair. However, it was vain to look for similar accusations in Jin Ling's attitude, who understood perfectly well how one could be unaware of his uncle's plans. At this moment, however, he was watching Sect Leader Lan intently, wondering why there was clearly tension between him and his uncle, fearing a possible confrontation.
However, nothing of the sort happened. Jiang Cheng merely snorted under his breath, noticing the red ears of the man in front of him, guessing his embarrassment. In truth, ever since the evening when it had seemed to him that Lan Xichen might have seen him in human form in hanshi, he had only reasserted that belief by noticing the man's attentive gaze on him. Now he involuntarily wondered if the man was thinking the same thing at the moment.
"How is your cat?" he asked quietly, staring at him intently, waiting for the answer on which everything depended. He saw Lan Huan's dark gaze be obscured by uncertainty, cautious hope with a gentle smile.
"I'm not sure if I can call him my cat..." the man replied slowly, feeling his heart begin to beat harder in his chest. He didn't know how he should ask about whether Jiang Wanyin had anything to do with this cat, but at the moment, he felt as if Sect Leader Jiang knew exactly what he wanted to talk to him about. It was as if he understood him without words.
"He wouldn't mind. I think you could safely visit him at Lotus Pier to see him more than just for three days a month," Jiang Cheng replied, smiling crookedly, trying to hide his amusement and the shadow of a blush on his own cheeks that had more to do with satisfaction than confusion.
"I'll be happy to visit him in that case," agreed Lan Xichen, maintaining an apparent calm, though he didn't know how he should actually act. He guessed that he wouldn't get answers to his questions at the moment, but it didn't matter in the slightest. He bowed reflexively as soon as it was mentioned that the conference would begin, and they should go to the other leaders. Though he still hadn't managed to work through everything, though Lan Huan still doubted himself and his judgment, in that one moment he managed to reassure himself that he wasn't completely alone in all of this.
Someone he had feared meeting, whose judgment he was afraid, had turned out to be his friend, someone he could rely on, someone who had decided to stay by his side as long as he could, helping him to stand on his own two feet again. Although Lan Xichen still couldn't shake the fear that he might hurt someone again, that his naivety might lead to tragedy, he looked more confidently to the future now that he was sure he wasn't alone. He knew that he had someone close to him, that he could calmly say that this black cat was his.