Archive of Our Own

Being a part of The Marauders was more than just friendship. It became a way of relating and understanding each other, of knowing that no matter what happened or who else was around, they always had each other’s backs. The kind of bond that could only be formed from spending eight hours a day, five days a week in each other’s company over the course of seven years. You spend that much time with people and you inevitably end up developing your own language. Not a lot had changed in the time since they’d graduating Hogwarts and moved onto uni and the rest of their lives. James and Lily had moved in together. Peter travelled so much they rarely saw him, but he always made an effort to stop by when he was in town. And of course, Sirius and Remus now lived together. But other than that, not much, the language they’d woven together as boys stayed the same.

“Thanks for that Moony,” Sirius said as he shook off the dish water that Remus had just flung at him. “Now I’m soaking wet.”

“Well that’s good. At least one of you will be.”

“Sod off, I’m going to class not on a date.”

Remus just grinned at him and turned his attention back to the dishes.

Alright, their language was mostly answering with the filthiest thing you could think of at that moment in time, but what else would you have expected a bunch of pre-teens to come up with?

Once Sirius’s back was turned, Remus lifted the sponge out of the water again and promptly flicked his wrist at Sirius’s back. Sirius instinctively flexed away from the water before turning on his heel to glare at Remus.

“As soon as I get home, I swear to god.”

“You’ll what? Spank me?” Remus finished. “Kinky.”

Sirius opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

“That’s probably Lily,” Remus said. “Could you get that?”

“Of course. You’re so wet right now you couldn’t possibly-“ Sirius was interrupted as the doorbell rang again and he hopped the couch to answer it. “Lily, my dear, you came just in time to rescue me from Remus’s assault.”

“Assault?” Lily asked suspiciously.

“I flicked dishwater at him,” Remus called out from the kitchen.

Sirius left Remus and Lily in the kitchen and went to gather the last few things he needed from his room.

“Dishwater fight?” Lily asked Remus as she lifted herself on the counter.

He shrugged. “Got to make living with him bearable somehow.”

“What?” Sirius called out as he made his way back into the living room.

“I was just telling Lily about all the sex I’ve been having with your mother.”

Sirius’s face scrunched up in disgust. “That wrinkly old prune. Hope you had fun dusting the cobwebs out of there. That woman has gotten any since Regulus was conceived.”

Lily’s eyebrows raised in confusion as she glanced from Sirius to Remus. Remus returned her look and mouthed a silent “What?”

Before Lily could say anything she was interrupted by Sirius cursing from the living room. Remus glanced through the opening above the kitchen counter to see Sirius failing miserably at stuffing a hoodie into his backpack.

“It’s too big. It won’t go in,” Sirius huffed.

“That’s what she said,” Remus supplied.

“Really?” Sirius said, looking up in exasperation. “Bottom of the barrel. Even for you.” He then proceeded to sit on his backpack in order to be able to zip it up.

Remus felt bad for whatever textbooks or notes he had in there. Not that Sirius ever took notes, at Hogwarts all he’d ever done were steal Remus’s. Remus made a mental note to check in on Sirius later and find out how school was going for him, see if there was anything he could do to help out.

“Alright, you two,” Sirius said as he slung his misshapen bag over his back. “I’m heading out. No having sex on my couch.”

“No problem. We were planning on using your bed anyways,” Remus replied.

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

Sirius proceeded to flip Remus off over his shoulder before heading out.

Remus grinned to himself, but felt it slip away when he saw the look on Lily’s face. “What?” he asked, as he put the last of the dishes in the drying rack, reaching for a towel to dry his own hands.

“Nothing it’s just that I didn’t know you two still did that.”

“Did what?”

“The dirty jokes thing. I mean, I know him and James keep it up. Going out with public with the two of them is a nightmare, they’re both a little too loud for their own good, but I didn’t think you would –“ she stopped, cutting herself off mid-sentence.

Remus frowned, folding his arms over his chest. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s nothing.”

“No Lily, I wanna hear you say it. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to make dirty jokes with my friends.”

“I just thought that cause you’re ace you would… ya know,” she said, keeping her eyes on the ground.

Remus simply glared at her in response.

“I didn’t mean it,” she said.

“Right, you just thought that because I figured out I was ace a few years ago I now magically refuse to talk about or associate with anything to do with sex. Isn’t that, right?”

The blush on her face told Remus he’d hit his mark. “I just don’t get how you can make jokes about something you don’t feel. Unless maybe there is something?”

Remus felt anger flare in his chest. “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go.”

“What?”

“Lily I’m not doing this with you today.”

She paused for a moment. “Remus, I didn’t think that it –“

“Please,” Remus said, cutting her off.

“Of course,” she hopped off the counter and scooped her bag off the floor. When she got to the door, she turned around like she was going to say something else but upon seeing the look of Remus's face decided against it. It was probably for the best. Remus didn't know what he'd do if he had to listen to her nonsense for a minute longer. It had been like this since he'd told her he was ace. Gentle nudges and pokes and every time something remotely sexual came up she'd either panic and try to protect him like he was some child or she'd seemed shocked that he wasn't bothered by it. He was frankly just exhausted about the whole thing. Exhausted and angry. God, was he tired of being angry.

Remus was still in a sour mood when Sirius got home later that night. He hadn’t been able to do anything all day. Every time he tried to focus on something Lily’s words came back to him, and he felt anger flare up in his chest.

Sirius stopped by his room to drop his stuff off and made his way into the living room where he flopped onto the couch next to Remus. “Holy shit, I’m beat.”

Remus made a hrmph noise in return.

Sirius turned and looked at Remus closer. “That day was one of the hardest and longest I’ve had in a while.”

No response.

“James says he needs help picking out some balls for his next round of classes.”

Nothing.

“A pretty big package came for you today.”

Silence.

“Okay, I made that as easy as I possibly could. What’s up with you?”

“GotinafightwithLily,” Remus mumbled.

Sirius frowned. He hadn’t seen Remus this angry since he accidentally killed Remus’s hamster when trying to pull a prank in sixth grade. “What happened?”

Remus opened his mouth to say something and then seemed to think better of it. “Nothing it’s fine.”

It very clearly wasn’t fine. Lily and Remus never fight and Remus and him tell each other everything. So if Lily and him had fought, and it was over something Remus wouldn’t tell Sirius something was very, very wrong. “Come on,” Sirius said.

Remus was quiet for another second before he said, “Come on where?” with a smirk and the change in tone was so sudden that Sirius couldn’t help but laugh, which made Remus start laughing too. When they finally caught their breaths, Sirius was feeling a little bit better about the situation, but the nagging worry about their argument wouldn’t leave. Sirius just had to hope Remus would tell him about it when he was ready.

But Remus didn’t say anything, and Sirius watched over the course of the week as he caught Remus tensing up or seething in frustration and not knowing why. He got Remus all his favourite foods. He tried to cook for them when he had time and sit down with Remus to watch his favourite shows. He tried every trick he’d learned in their over a decade long friendship and nothing seemed to work. Remus was drowning and Sirius didn’t know how to bring him back to land.

He'd tried going to the source and asking Lily about it, but she seemed to get near tears when he mentioned their fight or that Remus wasn’t doing well. Then James had asked him to stop bringing it up with Lily but when he asked James why, he’d said it wasn’t his place to say.

So by the time Friday came around, Sirius was really looking forward to getting drunk out of his mind so he could feel something other than frustrated and worried all the time. Even worse was that all this frustration and worry made it harder to hide the softer secret that he’d been trying so desperately to ignore. The reason that seeing Remus is such an awful mood was pulling at his heartstrings in a new way. Sirius tried to get Remus to go in on his plan, but he was less than excited about it and eventually, Sirius relented that he could stay here by himself.

As soon as he was gone, Remus pulled out his laptop and started down an internet rabbit hole he knew he shouldn’t be going down. Forcing himself to read the type of smutty fanfiction that made his skin crawl, and the types of blogs that seethed with acephobic comments, and stories of people who found their way ‘out’ of their asexuality. He even tried to touch himself even though he knew he didn’t like it but he only got as far as he get his hand under the waistband before he was bursting into tears.

Because there was so much more to Remus’s ability to be comfortable making dirty jokes with his friends than Lily could ever understand. When James, Sirius, and Peter started plucking these jokes out of thin air, Remus learned right along with them. The difference was that he didn’t understand that the content of these jokes might be things that they or other people would actually want to do. He thought they were all on the same page that these things were funny but it would never go beyond that.

One night, when a joke about porn turned into a real conversation about masturbation, Remus had the first inklings that he might be just a little bit different than his friends. Of course, he did the only healthy thing he could and shoved it deep down inside of himself. But that meant for years every time he snapped back with a dirty joke it felt like sticking a pin into a skin. It made him feel like an imposter or a liar and it made something inside of him ache in a way he couldn’t understand.

So when in university, he’d stumbled on a fanfiction that articulated the exact way he felt, Remus finally allowed himself to explore asexuality and it felt like coming home. That didn’t mean his path to acceptance was easy, it was far from it, and he was still wading uphill through his own internalized acephobia alongside the realities of what it meant to be ace in a amatonormative society.

In fact, that was a big reason he didn’t want to go to the bar with Sirius tonight. Handling all the people who made unwelcome advances on him was enough on a regular day, let alone when he was feeling this ripped open and vulnerable.

Even though it had been a few years, his aceness still felt new to him, was something that he was still learning to understand and while he’d found his own comfortability in certain things, like his renewed vigour in engaging in dirty jokes now that he realized he didn’t have to understand them in order for them to be funny. But it also meant, that questions, even genuine ones made without the intention to harm, could be enough to send him into an imposter syndrome spiral.

Because what if Lily was right? What if he shouldn’t be making these jokes? What if the fact that he liked to make these jokes with his friends meant that he wasn’t actually ace? What then? When Remus had called her to try to talk to her about it, she had told him that she just thought it was ‘something he should consider.’ And he felt so betrayed and upset that she believed she understand his lived experience and his community better than he did.

It hadn’t helped that she’d asked too if Sirius knew, as if Sirius somehow needed to know his identity in order to be able to make jokes with him. He had a feeling that Lily had told James, which while frustrating was probably to be expected.

The truth was that Remus hadn’t told James, Sirius, and Peter because of how Lily had reacted when he’d come out to her. She was the first person he’d come out to and he had figured that she would be understanding, and maybe even proud of him. That’s all he really needed was for someone to validate his identity and how hard it had been for him to figure this all out. But, even after the thirty minute TEDTalk, Lily had said it was okay if he felt that way right now but let him know that she didn’t want him to not open himself up to certain experiences just because he was scared and then gave him way too much information about her and James’s first time.

Deep, deep down, Remus knew that was why he was reacting so badly to this comment. That the burn of Lily writing off his identity had never really went away, like a bee stinger trapped under the skin and every time to try to grab a hold of it it just sinks further in. Lily’s comment had made him terrified to tell the others, scared that he’d lose this language that had been just theirs for years. That the others would be awkward around him or avoid any topic that was remotely sexual when he was around. While the thought of having sex repulsed him, Remus genuinely couldn’t give a shit about hearing about it. Sirius came home and told him about his hookups all the time. Especially if something went wrong or he wanted an opinion if something was a red flag or not. It didn’t bother Remus, and Sirius was always quick to assure him to stop him at any point if it was too much information.

And that, was the final layer of the self-hatred, depression spiral Remus currently found himself in the middle of because he knew that Sirius liked sex and Remus also knew that he was demiromantic and that whenever he thought of doing anything remotely relationship related with anyone, the only person he could think of was Sirius. The thought of going on an internet date with a stranger seemed impossible to him and yet, the person he really did want to try going on a date with was unattainable to him. He knew allo people could date ace people. He knew sex wasn’t needed in a relationship, but whenever he tried to think about coming out to Sirius and confessing his love at the same time, all he could hear was the echo of that first conversation with Lily in his head.

So here he was, a miserable sopping mess, destined to be closeted forever if he was ace to begin with and it was that return to the beginning of the cycle of thoughts that set him off crying again. In fact, he was so upset that he was still curled up in a ball on the couch when Sirius came stumbling in drunk hours later.

“Honey I’m home!” He called out, which was promptly followed by swearing as Sirius tripped over his own feet in an attempt to kick off his shoes.

Remus wrapped the blanket around himself and got up to make sure that Sirius got into bed in one piece.

“I had the best time," Sirius babbled. "They played all the best songs and I found this new drink that tastes like sour patchie kids. SOUR PATCHIE KIDS and –“

Remus’s thoughts about how adorable it was that Sirius called them sour patchie kids were interrupted by him squishing Remus’s face between his hands.

“You’ve been crying,” Sirius said, squinting at Remus.

“It’s nothing Sirius. Let’s get to you bed.”

“Will that make you less sad?”

Remus tried not to roll his eyes. “Yes. You safe in bed will make me less sad.”

“Good,” Sirius said, mumbling behind Remus as he dragged him into his bedroom and helped him start to get undressed. “Cause you’re my best friend. Like bestest best friend and you’ve been so sad and angry lately and I don’t know what’s wrong and we tell each other everything, everything Remus, but you won’t talk to me.”

Remus sighed as he helped Sirius get the clean t-shirt untangled from his ears and pulled his arm out of the head hole to where it belonged. “Some things are hard to explain.”

“But you could try Remus. Remember when you got sick. Remember when I found you in the bathroom throwing up and I got so scared and that night after you told me everything, we promised each other we wouldn’t keep secrets from the other anymore.”

“That was a long time ago Sirius.”

Sirius frowned looking like a disgruntled toddler. “It wasn’t a long time ago to me. I still tell you everything. Well, everything but the one thing I’m not supposed to tell you. It’s a secret. Do you wanna hear a secret Moony?”

“Sirius, you're drunk. I don’t think you should – “

But Sirius was already grabbing him by the front of his hoodie and pulling him in close so that he could whisper in his ear.

“All those dirty jokes we make, those are all the things I’d like to do to you.”

Remus pulled away from Sirius quickly to see him grinning up at him. He searched his expression desperately for a sign that this was just another joke but came with nothing. “L-lemme get you some water,” Remus stuttered as he hurried his way out of Sirius’s bedroom.

In the kitchen, he took a moment by the sink to start to process what Sirius had said and realized he felt something breaking inside him. He quickly pushed the thoughts aside to be dealt with once Sirius was asleep. He took a deep breath in to push the tears back and then picked up the glass of water and headed back to Sirius’s bedroom only to find that he had already fallen asleep.

Remus sighed and set the glass of water on the nightstand with some crackers and some painkillers. Then he pulled the blankets up over Sirius and shoved him over from the side of the bed so he wouldn’t fall off. Then, he headed back to his own bedroom and proceeded to cry himself to sleep.

Remus didn’t get out of bed the next day. He didn’t see a reason to. Lily thought his identity was some sort of phase, James would probably take Lily’s side in the whole thing before he even got a chance to explain himself, and Sirius, Sirius wanted him in the only way that Remus couldn’t give. He was tired of being Remus Lupin. He was tired of being asexual. He was tired of living in fear that people would leave him when they found out and he was tired of wondering if that fear had already been proven right.

It was around four in the afternoon when Sirius finally ventured his way into Remus’s bedroom. The curtains were all still drawn and there appeared to be a Remus sized lump buried in the middle of his bed.

“Moony?” Sirius called out. “I know you like to sleep in late on the weekend, but this is a lot even for you. Is everything okay?”

“Go away Sirius,” Remus mumbled from under the layers of blankets.

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Sirius said as he made his way onto the bed and sat next to the ball that was his best friend. “You’ve been icing me out all week. Everyone has. I tried talking to Lily about what happened and she won’t tell me. James told me to stop bugging her about it and you… Remus, I thought we promised we’d tell each other everything.”

Sirius heard the sheets rustle and when Remus’s voice came out again he sounded clearer as if he had moved some of the blankets away from his face. “Do you remember what you said last night?”

“What? Don’t tell me I did something stupid.”

“About promising to tell each other everything. Do you remember what you said?”

Sirius frowned digging through the muddled haze of his memories last night until something came floating back to him through the fog. “Shit.”

The blankets tightened around Remus again.

“Shit, shit, shit. Moony, Moony come out of there, right now.”

“Why so you can fuck me?”

Sirius felt his eyes water. “What? No. I just want to talk to you.”

“So talk.”

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking. “Obviously, this isn’t how I wanted this to go. Remus, you know you’re my best friend and I love you more than anything. If there’s anything I think about, if there are things I think about doing with you or to you, it’s because I like you. I really like you. Romantically. But I didn’t say anything because I was scared of screwing our friendship up and now I might have done it anyways. I don’t just like you because I’m attracted to you. Although some people experience attraction that way but that’s not the point. The point is I love you in the ‘would you go on a date with me sometime’ way.”

Another rustle of blankets as the lump sat up next to him and then they slowly lowered to reveal Remus’s face. “You like me?”

“Yes. I mean if anything the whole dirty joke thing got worse cause I didn’t know how to flirt with you.”

“You wanted to flirt with me?”

“Yes,” Sirius laughed. “There’s a lot of things I want to do with you.” He moved his face closer to Remus’s. “Like kiss you.” His hand came up to rest on Remus’s cheek and he froze there waiting for some sign from Remus on what to do next.

Remus nodded, not trusting whatever words would coming spilling out of him if he opened his mouth. And so, Sirius leaned in and kissed him and Remus felt his face and body recoil at the sensation. Sirius came out of the kiss smiling and Remus was sure his face was twisted in something like a grimace and that was a problem. That was a problem because then Sirius was going to think that he didn’t like him but he did like him it was just –

“Remus?” Sirius said, his voice sounding far away.

“A-anxiety attack,” Remus managed to get out as everything in the room became too much. He reached his hands up to press them over his ears and started to rock gently back and forth. He could feel Sirius’s hand rubbing gentle circles into his back so he just let his mind drift away to wherever it needed to be.

Remus had never kissed anyone before. Remus wasn’t really sure that he had ever wanted to kiss anyone before. When he thought about being with Sirius, he had always thought of kissing as an inevitability. While thinking about himself having any type of sex made Remus recoil, he’d never felt the same way about kissing. He could imagine himself doing it. Just not any of that weird making out stuff or having anyone else’s tongue in his mouth or… or… or… maybe he was kiss repulsed? And maybe, maybe this was going to make everything worse.

“Moons, are we entering panic attack territory?”

Remus shook his head. He just… he just… he just…

He just needed to know whether Sirius was going to leave him. That was the only thing that was going to make this anxiety in his chest any better because no matter what happened after this, he would know and there would be no going back.

He took a few more steadying breaths and then turned to Sirius. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

“Okay,” Sirius said looking at him with concern and apprehension.

“I… I’m asexual.” He took a deep breath and let his mind flick over to TEDTalk mode. It was easier this way, if he let autopilot take over and distanced himself from the reality that he’d be educating the world about his identity forever. “Okay, so there’s this thing called the split attraction model and essentially romantic and sexual –“

Sirius stopped him with a gentle hand over his. “Remus, I know what asexuality is.”

“You – you do?” Remus said, his brain short-circuiting. This had not been an option in any of the countless scenarios he dreamt up of him coming out to Sirius.

“Yeah, I mean I know not all queer people know what asexuality is but I always figured if I was gonna be a part of the community that meant being a good ally to everyone else in it and some of that just means doing basic research.” Sirius shrugged like he hadn’t just turned Remus’s whole world upside down. Remus stared at him not knowing what to do. “Is there a um, subtype, is that what they’re called, a subtype for how you feel about sex?”

“Yeah, um, yeah. I’m sex-repulsed.” He looked away from Sirius. “And I think, um, I think I might have just found out I’m kiss repulsed too.”

“Oh,” Sirius said and then “OH,” his eyes widening with understanding. “Jesus christ Remus, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have done anything if I’d known. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear to you. Are you okay?”

And oh, Remus was allowed to not be okay with the kiss? Remus was allowed to explore and explain his asexuality in new terms and have it immediately validated? Remus was allowed to have this conversation be about him and not about someone else?

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just I’d never kissed anyone before. With the other stuff, with sex, I know I never want to try any of it, but I always wanted to try kissing. I didn’t know it would be something I didn’t like. That’s kinda why I panicked. I was scared enough telling you I was ace and I was worried when you saw I didn’t like the kiss you’d think I didn’t like you.”

Sirius was looking at him now, wide eyed and hopeful. “You like me?”

“Yeah,” Remus said like it was obvious. “Shit, did I not start with that?”

“No,” Sirius said, laughing as he took both of Remus’s hands in his and squeezed them gently. “You did not.”

“Well I do, like you that is. I don’t know if it matters but I’m demiromantic. Do you know what that is?”

Sirius nodded.

“Yeah, and for me, well, for me there’s only ever been you.”

“I think there’s always only been you for me too. I mean I’m alloromantic and I don’t want to diminish or minimize your experience but the crushes I’ve had on other people, they feel like puddles compared to what I feel for you.”

“You trying to call me a pond, Sirius Black?”

“The ocean, Remus. I’m trying to call you the ocean.”

Remus smiled at him, feeling happiness bloom in his chest until reality cracked it open again and his smile faltered.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked.

“Are you okay with me being ace? With being who I am? There are things I’m never going to be able to give you and last night you said…”

“Last night I was a drunken idiot, but yes, I’ve thought about doing things with you, but that’s mostly cause for me romantic and sexual attraction kinda go hand in hand, but they don’t have to. Sure, I can find you sexy as hell but that doesn’t mean I have to have sex with you. I want to be with you because I love you. Our relationship doesn’t have to include sex. Of course, I’m okay with your identity. Anyone who isn’t doesn’t deserve even the chance of being with you.”

Remus felt his lower lip tremble and tried to blink back his tears. He was so tired of crying.

Sirius frowned and cocked his head in Remus’s direction. “What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”

“No, but there isn’t something else I haven’t told you. No more secrets, right?”

“Right,” Sirius said.

“When Lily came over last week, after you left, she made some comments about the dirty jokes we make with each other. She couldn’t understand why I’d make them if I was asexual. She thought that if I was still making dirty jokes it must mean that I feel something.”

“That’s stupid.”

Remus looked up at him, a bit surprised by his response.

“A joke is a joke. I mean when I hang out with Marlene and Dorcas sometimes I’ll make period jokes with them, doesn’t mean I know what it actually feels like to have a period. We’re just messing around with each other.”

Remus looked down at his and Sirius’s hands. So he wasn’t overreacting. He was right. He could be ace and still make terrible, filthy jokes with his friends.

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius said.

“Of course.”

“Okay, and I want you to know I’m not mad. I’m just trying to understand.”

Remus nodded.

“Lily knows your ace?”

“Yes.”

“Do any of our other friends know?”

“No. Well actually, maybe James?”

“What do you mean?”

“I get a feeling Lily told him.”

“What?”

Remus shrugged. “They are dating.”

“I don’t give a rats ass if he has her kidney. You tell your partner gossip and whose outfit you thought was the ugliest at a party. You don’t disclose someone’s sexual orientation to your partner if the person isn’t publicly out or hasn’t given you explicit permission for the person to do so. Especially, if the person’s partner is your best friend. That’s your story. You should have a right to tell them on your own terms when you’re ready.”

Remus looked at Sirius, shocked by the sudden outburst of aggression. On the list of things, he was currently mad at Lily for, outing him to James hadn’t come up. He’d just resigned himself to the fact that it was likely a decision that had already been taken from him.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, taking in Remus’s expression. “I’m sorry. We can come back to that later, okay? But backing up for a second the real thing I wanted to ask was why? Why only tell Lily and not the rest of us? I hope we haven’t done anything to make you feel like you couldn’t come out to us.”

Remus sighed. “I don’t really know why I came out to Lily first. I guess I figured she would be understanding and I really really needed someone to be proud of me. But I think the truth is probably that I didn’t know her as well at the time so in some way it was less scary. Guess that doesn’t make much sense in hindsight.”

“Why in hindsight?”

“She, um, she didn’t react well to me coming out.”

“What?”

Remus looked away. He felt bad for ruining Sirius’s relationship with Lily. Everything that had happened between them was his own shit. It wasn’t fair to put that on Sirius’s shoulders.

“Hey,” Sirius said, placing a hand on Remus’s cheek and turning his face back towards him. “Look at me. If we’re going to be in a relationship with each other we need to do this together, okay? And either way, you will always be my friend. Your shit is my shit. If someone hurt you I want to know. You don’t need to protect me from this, okay?”

Remus looked into his eyes and realized that Sirius meant it and for the first time he realized that Sirius would have said the same thing five days ago or a year ago or six years ago. Sirius was his friend and he had loved him for years. First platonically and now romantically. He would have always wanted to know if someone had hurt him. He always wanted to keep him safe. Suddenly, the fact that Remus had spent all week lying to Sirius about what happened felt incredibly silly.

“When I came out to Lily a few years ago, she told me it was okay if I felt that way right now. But that she thought I shouldn’t limit myself from experimenting with sexual experiences just because I was scared. I guess she was pretty nervous before her and James did anything and she figured I was the same and this is how I was dealing with it.”

“Who cares what happened with her and James? Her experience doesn’t have to be your experience. Besides it’s not like you're scared of sex the way you’re scared of heights. You went on that hike with me last summer to see the gorge because you wanted to push yourself and you really wanted to see the sunset from up there. Do you feel the same way about sex?”

“No,” Remus said. “I never have. The thought of trying it… I don’t want it. I know I never will and I don’t want to try it.”

“Good. She was wrong and it was acephobic of her to assume you were a ‘late bloomer’ or some nonsense like that. She should have believed you. She should still believe you. I am so sorry that happened to you Remus. You did something really brave in opening yourself up to someone only to have them throw it back in your face. I wish you’d had a better experience coming out.”

Remus looked up at Sirius. “I have now.”

Sirius smiled. “I’m glad, but why did it take til now? Again, not mad, I just want to understand.”

“After everything that happened with Lily I got scared. I was worried if I told you all you’d stop making dirty jokes around me or talking about your sex lives or anything sex related. I worried I’d end up on the outside because I was different and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing that connection I had with all of you. To feel like you were hiding from me or felt like you had to act differently whenever I was around.”

Sirius sighed and leaned back against the headboard. “I can’t say we would have been perfect and I can’t speak for how James or Petey would react but I hate when people in my life treat me differently because I’m gay. I swear to god some of the girls in my courses just want me to be their gay best friend for clout and to go on shopping trips with them. You are still Remus to me. Now, you’re Remus who also happens to be ace. Do you have a problem with dirty jokes or talking about sex?”

“No.”

“Okay, and can you promise to tell me if I do or say something you find uncomfortable?”

“I’ll try. It might take me a little while to get used to being open about it.”

“Of course. That’s all I can ask for. I’m proud of you for telling me all of this Remus and I’m so sorry that I didn’t know why you were hurting this last week or these last few years. I never want you to feel invalidated in your identity or have to doubt yourself because of what other people think, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. I’m gonna have to think about this whole James and Lily thing though. I think I might need some distance from them for a bit. I get a feeling that’s what you want to?”

“Yeah, but they’re your friends too. You don’t have to avoid them because of me.”

“Yeah, they are my friends. My friend who made you feel like shit by making acephobic comments and my other friend who likely knew about it but didn’t stand up for you. That hurts me too, but I’m gonna deal with it in my own way and we’ll figure out what we both want and how to move forward together, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Excellent. Now back to this whole you liking me thing. Does that mean you’d like to go on a date with me sometime?”

“I mean I’d like to go on a whole bunch of dates with you,” Remus said and then immediately blushed when he realized what he said.

Sirius smiled at him dopily. “I think I’d like to go on a whole bunch of dates with you too.”

“Okay, and about the whole sex thing. I’ve thought about the sex thing before and I think I’d be okay with you hooking up with other people if that’s something you wanted.”

“Sure, I’d have to think about whether that’s something I would want but we can talk about all the details more later.”

“Right. Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume anything it’s just –“

“Remus,” Sirius said, cutting him off with a finger under his chin. “It’s okay to get ahead of yourself a bit. I’m excited too, but we’ll start with a date first, and we can figure out the rest together.”

“I’d like that.”

“Me too. Now, there’s something I want to try, but feel free to say no. You didn’t like when I kissed you on the mouth. Would it be okay if I tried kissing you somewhere else? Your cheek maybe?”

Remus paused. He hadn’t thought about that. His brain had kinda jumped from this kiss sucks to all kisses must suck. He hadn’t thought that there were different kinds of kisses. That if Sirius kissed his cheek then he wouldn’t have to kiss back. He thought about it for a moment before deciding. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius smiled and then leaned down to press a kiss against Remus’s cheek. It felt like butterfly wings brushing against him and made his skin tingle in a way that left his chest feeling warm. “Okay?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, I think I liked that.” And then blushing, “Maybe you could try it again?”

Sirius grinned mischievously, “Yeah?” He said and once Remus nodded he dove back in and proceeded to cover Remus’s face in kisses as Remus squirmed and giggled in his arms, making sure the whole time to stay far away from his lips. Instead planting them on his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids, his chin.

And as Remus marvelled at the joy Sirius’s kisses brought him, he let himself think about a future. He let himself think about a future with someone who knew he was ace and understood and respected that. He let himself think about a future where he didn’t have to worry about whether everything he did was ace enough. He let himself think about a future where he had Sirius and Sirius had him and he thought that could be alright. In fact, he thought that could be a spectacular thing.

A few days later, Sirius and Remus went on their first date. They had dinner at a restaurant they both loved and afterwards they went for a walk at the waterfront, or at least it started as a walk but by the end of it they were practically jogging home with Sirius dragging Remus behind him.

“Is everything okay?” Remus asked once they were back in their apartment.

“Yes, sorry. I’m just nervous.”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah, I um, I got you something,” Sirius said, reaching into the pocket of his coat for something.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Sirius said, pausing to take a deep breath. “Could we maybe sit down?”

“Of course,” Remus said and paused in confusion when Sirius proceeded to not move at all.

“You go and sit down. I don’t want you to see what it is yet.”

“Okay,” Remus said laughing as he made his way over to the couch.

Sirius joined him a few minutes later with a scarf in his hands bundled around something. His whole body tense with nerves and Remus would be lying if he didn’t admit it was freaking him out a little bit.

“You’re gonna have to bear with me here. I’m not very good at this.”

Remus smirked. “Title of your sex tape.”

“Ugh,” Sirius groaned as he let his head flop back against the couch. “You’re insufferable.”

“And you love me. Now, could you tell me what’s going on here? All this nervous energy is kinda getting to me.”

“Right, right. Sorry. It’s just…. okay, here,” Sirius said as he unwrapped the scarf and shoved a ring-shaped box into Remus’s hand.

Remus looked up at him in surprise.

“I’m not proposing!” Sirius blurted out suddenly and then buried his face in his hands, peeking through his fingers like a kid watching a horror movie. “Just open it.”

“Okay,” Remus said. Amused at how nervous Sirius was when Remus was sure he’d love anything that Sirius gave him. He slowly lifted the lid off the box to find a smooth black ring nestled inside. His initials were carved into the front. “Sirius,” Remus breathed.

“So in the ace community there’s this thing called an ace ring,” Sirius stopped himself. “What the hell am I doing? You know what an ace ring is and I know you don’t wear one or at least I haven’t seen you wear one and maybe you don’t want to wear one which is totally fine I’ll just return it. I mean I can’t cause I got it engraved but.”

“Sirius.”

“I just thought maybe it was because you felt like you had to hide your identity that you didn’t want to wear one and that maybe this would be a good reminder for you that you aren’t alone and I know I’m not ace and I’m sorry if it’s wrong for me to give you an ace ring when I’m not a part of the community, I don’t know the protocols on these things.”

“Sirius.”

“I want you to recognize and celebrate those parts of yourself and I wanted to show you that I recognize and celebrate those parts of you too. I’m sorry. It’s too much, isn’t it?”

“Sirius.”

“I bought you jewellery on our first date? What was I thinking? And it’s a ring too.”

Sirius was clearly too deep in whatever spiral he had gotten himself caught in so Remus instead decided to lean over and promptly kiss him on the nose to get him to shut up.

Sirius froze immediately. All of the words dying in his mouth as he reached up to touch his nose. “You kissed me.”

Remus paused. He hadn’t really thought about it in the moment. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“Were you okay with that?”

Remus took another moment to think about it. It had felt… nice. Secure. Warm. “Yeah, I think it might not be an everyday thing. But I didn’t mind it. I think… I think it could be something I could do sometimes. That I’d want to do sometimes.”

“Yeah?” Sirius said beaming his eyes shiny with tears and it meant that much more to Remus that he knew Sirius would be just as proud and happy for him if he had just said he’d never want to kiss him again.

“Yeah. Can I talk about the ring now?”

Sirius blushed, clearly embarrassed by his earlier rambling. “Please.”

“I love it,” Remus said, feeling his own eyes water. “I always wanted one but…” he stopped, shaking his head in response.

“Hey,” Sirius said, reaching over to tilt Remus’s head back towards his. “Don’t go away from me like that. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“It’s – “

“It’s not stupid,” Sirius said, cutting him off before Remus could finish.

Remus smiled at him as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “Um, so there’s this story I love where one of the character’s is ace and he wears his ring all time. It’s pretty scuffed up from years of wear but he never takes it off and… well, some things happen to him and he stops wearing it and when he gets to the other side someone points out he’s missing his ring and she draws it on for him with a Sharpie until they can get him a new one.

“To me, it’s always been more than a ring. Wearing the ring means that I’m okay with my identity and myself. It means I’m staking a claim to a community that I belong to. I never got myself one because I didn’t feel like I deserved to have it. I really wanted to get one but then everything happened with Lily and…”

“And you stopped wearing whatever metaphorical ace ring you had at the time?”

Remus gave a soft smile, happy that Sirius understood, but sad at all the emotion and pain and self-doubt that had kept him from this moment for so long. “Yeah, I mean I lost a bit more than just the idea of a ring, but yeah.” He ran a finger over the smooth metal of the ring feeling the ridges of his initials RJL. These three letters that marked it as not just a ring but his.

“Well I’ll draw one on in Sharpie if you’d like. Hell, I’d tattoo it on you if you wanted.”

Remus laughed. “I appreciate the sentiment really but it’s okay. This is… this is perfect. Thank you.”

“Can I kiss you?” Sirius asked and Remus nodded. Sirius cupped his face in his hands and placed one kiss on each side of his mouth right over his dimples. When he went to move away, Remus held him steady holding their foreheads together.

“Thank you, Sirius,” Remus said, fighting hard to keep his voice steady. “For everything these past few days. I can’t… I couldn’t imagine…”

“You don’t have to thank me love. Can I put it on now?”

Remus nodded and loosened his grip on the back of Sirius's neck just enough so that he could see what he was doing. Sirius carefully lifted the little black ring out of the box and Remus held out his right hand. Sirius slowly slipped the ring onto his middle finger. Remus let out a sigh as he held up his hand for them to admire it. It was more than a ring. It felt like coming home. It felt like opening a door to a part of himself that he’d kept closed for so long. It felt like love.