Chapter Text
Jiang Cheng had painstakingly written that letter, an awkward confession of his feelings (even though it was in a mostly roundabout manner), and he had heard nothing back. That miserable fact was soon swallowed up, though, because there had been Dafun Mountain, and there had been, he was certain, Wei Wuxian. Zidian had technically put that idea to bed, only it hadn't really, and at the very least, even if there was not Wei Wuxian, there was Wen Ning, hulking and extra terrifying because he had been near Jin Ling. Jin Ling, who had been so reckless, who had presumably helped Not Wei Wuxian escape and who had fled his side. With all of that, Jiang Cheng tells himself, how can he think of the wound on his heart caused by Lan Xichen? There are so many others bleeding him dry.
But still, it's there, feeling far fresher and deeper than it should, given his other problems and given the fact that, ultimately, they are nothing to one another. Simply colleges who had kissed a few times. Meaningless.
Even so, as Lan Xichen moves up the stairs to Carp Tower, smoothly and beautifully, flanked by Lan Wangji and him, Jiang Cheng feels injured all over again. He's here, looking serene, as though nothing has gone wrong (although, maybe, there is a small crease in his brow?), and that nothing has passed between them, and that he had not dismissed him by not replying to that stupid, stupid letter, and that he is not bringing someone who should not be here. Even if he is, allegedly, not Wei Wuxian, he should not be here. For some reason seeing them so near each other feels like Lan Xichen choosing Wei Wuxian over him, just like everyone always had in the past. Couldn't the other man have spared him the sight of someone he suspected of being the Yiling Patriarch?
Jiang Cheng manages to remain surprisingly civil despite how he's feeling, though he doesn't hold back on being rather direct: It's such a surprise to see Lan Wangji. Why on earth is Lan Xichen with such a person? He wants to press, seeing that Lan Xichen is maybe going to respond, wants to push to ensure a genuine answer from him, but… of course, there is Jin Guangyao. Always, Jin Guangyao, and Lan Xichen moves forward to stop him from bowing, smiling his sweet smile, and Jiang Cheng hates how ill he feels. Of course the other man didn't write him back. Of course he had brought Mo Xuanyu who is Not Wei Wuxian. Of course. He quickly moves to the banquet hall, and tries not to think too hard on any of it.
It's difficult, though, because he can see, every so often, Lan Xichen attempting to catch his eye, his expression difficult to read. It's almost concerned, but it probably isn't, Jiang Cheng tells himself. Or maybe he's actually feeling guilty for rejecting him in such a cowardly way? Or maybe Jiang Cheng is reading into nothing. The food is unappetizing, and he can feel a headache building, starting behind his eyes. It's a strange relief when Nie Huaisang, dramatic as always, bursts in and forces Lan Xichen to leave with only one last fleeting glance that Jiang Cheng turns away from. Good. He won't have to talk to him now.
He departs not long after, leaving Jin Ling to his own devices. He just needs some space from everything. Everyone close to him is a stinging reminder of something negative right now. All two of them. Gods. Two. For a moment he wonders how he ended up so painfully alone, but that only dredges up Wei Wuxian again. He's too bitter to blame his own attitude for his solitude right now. Maybe. He'd driven off Lan Xichen just fine without the help of his long dead brother.
Jiang Cheng heads to his rooms and considers just crawling into bed, at least for a while, but as he debates this there's a knock, and before he can even respond there's Lan Xichen, sliding open the door, his expression soft but still difficult to read. Difficult to read for Jiang Cheng, anyway - Jin Guangyao could probably read it perfectly.
"I assumed Lans were polite enough to not just barge into other people's rooms, but I guess I was wrong," Jiang Cheng says, tone sharp, lacking any teasing that, maybe a month ago, he might have used.
Lan Xichen's expression seems to fall just a little bit, but it doesn't make Jiang Cheng feel particularly better.
"Jiang Cheng…" he starts, and Jiang Cheng can tell he's waiting to see if he can call him that, searching his face for anger or waiting for a reprimand. But one won't come - who cares? Everyone calls him that. Lan Xichen is not special.
"Did you need something?"
"I wanted to see you. I know we haven't had a chance to speak in a while-"
Lan Xichen sounds so placating, as though he is sad, as though this isn't his fault. Of course, in the back of his mind, Jiang Cheng reminds himself that something could have happened to the letters - but surely this isn't the case. Surely Lan Xichen just didn't know how to respond to his idiotic affection.
"We certainly haven't."
He goes to sit down on the edge of the raised platform in the center of the room, feeling almost light headed. He hates how the other man takes a step forward, hands out a little, ready to assist if needed. It makes Jiang Cheng feel weak and stupid, and it stings to see the care in his open hands.
"I've missed you," Lan Xichen says, his tone softening even more as he comes to a stop, as if afraid to approach further now that the other sect leader, seated, no longer needs assistance. Anger bubbles up to cover the pain and longing in Jiang Cheng. He clenches his fists, feeling his nails dig into his palms.
"Is that why I haven't heard from you?"
Somehow his tone and accusations aren't driving the other man off; Lan Xichen advances further and kneels before him and runs his thumb up along the space between his eyebrows, the tightly knotted skin that aches with how much his face is drawn. Jiang Cheng pulls back, eyes averted.
"I promise I wrote. I even wrote after I never heard back from you. Because I said I would. Because I wanted to. Maybe they were intercepted, or lost, or something. But I'm sorry you thought I didn't reply, A-Cheng."
Is Jiang Cheng the idiot? Is the voice in the back of his head that had told him this was a misunderstanding correct? It can't be, because why would Lan Xichen miss him, when he has Jin Guangyao? Even though he'd said it, even though he's here, now, how can it be true? He can feel the other man fully closing the space between them, even as he doesn't look, paralyzed by frustration and guilt and embarrassment. A soft kiss is placed on his jaw, perhaps lovingly. This is too much. He finally looks at Lan Xichen and then surges forward to kiss him.
He's so angry and hurt, mostly because he doesn't know how to do this. These feelings remain out of practice, and honestly, they're terrifying too. Maybe this time he'd written and it had just been lost, but that won't always be the case. Eventually, he'll stop. Lan Xichen will reject him someday, he's sure. The thought makes him tear away almost as quickly as he'd pressed his lips to the other sect leader's. His breaths come quick, and Lan Xichen raises a hand to cradle his jaw, his lips already beautifully flushed from Jiang Cheng's aggression.
"...say something, at least," Lan Xichen murmurs, searching his face, and he definitely looks upset now, which is Jiang Cheng's fault.
"I just… what do you want me to say? I don't know. I don't… like this. I don't like feeling like this. Like I'm waiting for you to leave."
Oh, why had he said that? Where had that even come from? He feels stupid and Lan Xichen looks even sadder.
"I won't leave."
"You will."
"I won't."
Lan Xichen sounds sure. So sure. His thumb runs small circles on the underside of his jaw, and Jiang Cheng desperately wants to believe him. Maybe if he does he'll feel less fragile. He presses forward again to kiss him, this time with much less force, the corners of his eyes stinging. He's not sure if he's mad at himself for giving in or not, but regardless he's all mixed up, like usual. Still, kissing Lan Xichen is nice, just as nice as it has been in the past. The other man is sitting now, and with a suddenly firm grasp about Jiang Cheng's waist, he pulls him into his lap, breaking the kiss as he does so. Jiang Cheng is unsure of what to do with his limbs, startled and out of his element, so he just leans into Lan Xichen, who gently kisses his neck.
"What did you write to me?" Lan Xichen asks, and Jiang Cheng feels the back of his neck heat up.
"I don't know. Nothing much," he replies, unintentionally petulant.
This change in tone seems to deflate the tension in the room, and Jiang Cheng thinks he can feel a smile forming on the edges of Lan Xichen's lips. Moments later there's a small laugh against his skin, followed by another kiss, and he can feel Lan Xichen's frame relax fully against his.
"Well, I wrote you about how much I like you, and how good looking you are, and how much I missed you, and-"
Jiang Cheng sits back and abruptly puts a hand over Lan Xichen's mouth, surprising the both of them. This is too embarrassing, especially since he'd just been so rude to the other man. He can't listen to this. Lan Xichen's eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles underneath Jiang Cheng's hand. He feels lips press to his palm and he retracts his hand almost as quickly as he'd placed it.
"I'm sorry," Lan Xichen murmurs, still smiling. "I like seeing you flustered, unfortunately. And I like telling you good things. And I want you to know that I mean it, when I say I missed you." He still looks a little upset, with the way that his smile doesn't hold quite as long as it normally does, and how the corners of his eyes look a little tight.
Unsure of what to say or do, Jiang Cheng looks down, feeling hot all over but… happy? Sort of? Things have been so miserable lately, and he has missed the other sect leader, and now he's just starting to realize that Lan Xichen has been dealing with his own things, too, which he'd completely ignored due to his own heartache. He lifts his gaze to find Lan Xichen watching him, his expression now a little neutralized, a little hard to read again. Jiang Cheng leans forward to kiss him lightly, intending to do so only once, but Lan Xichen's hands shift to fit perfectly in the curve of his lower back, and it seems a shame to break apart when it seems like everything is in its proper place. Finally figuring out what to do with his body now that he's not overthinking it, Jiang Cheng's legs loosely wrap around Lan Xichen's waist, and his hands go to loop around the back of his neck as they kiss. This is right. Their letters must have been lost, because there's no way they could fit this neatly against each other if they weren't meant to be like this now.
Right?
It's so hard to not get lost in this, but Jiang Cheng knows they shouldn't - they're both away from home, and there are surely things they should be doing that aren't being wrapped up in each other's arms. So, they only kiss for a short while, and no hands make it under any robes before Jiang Cheng pulls back, chest heaving a little. Lan Xichen's lips are flushed still, and Jiang Cheng can't help but press a thumb gently to them, almost to prove to himself that they're hot to the touch, that he'd done that. He sees a glint of something in the other man's eye and pulls back his hand before his thumb can end up in Lan Xichen's mouth. Lan Xichen laughs softly, but honestly looks as dazed as Jiang Cheng is feeling.
"I should go find Jin Ling. I haven't spoken to him in a while."
"And I should probably check on Huaisang. But… are we alright?"
Lan Xichen, for all his usual calm confidence, looks a little unsure right now, a little hopeful. Jiang Cheng leans forward to kiss him, maybe more gently than he ever has, before starting to extract himself.
"A letter was probably lost somewhere along the way," Jiang Cheng concedes.
"I'll write you a dozen more to make up for it."
Suddenly, Jiang Cheng is once again deeply embarrassed, and it manifests as a scowl that makes Lan Xichen laugh.
"Because that wouldn't be suspicious at all."
"I'll write each in a different hand, so it'll just look like you have a dozen admirers." Lan Xichen is on his feet now but he's close, hands drifting to Jiang Cheng's hips, toying with his belt, and he doesn't stop him. They should really go.
"No one would believe it. Jin Ling didn't even think that letter was for me, you know." This comes out as more of a grumble than he intends.
"He's your nephew, of course he can't imagine anyone writing you something like that. But he'll believe it when a dozen show up."
Jiang Cheng, finally, starts to twist away, embarrassed thinking about these alleged letters, embarrassed by how he kind of wants them. Lan Xichen lets him go, though his touch lingers as long as he can manage without pulling him back.
"Just relax, I don't need a dozen. But, we should really go. I'm sure someone's looking for at least one of us."
Lan Xichen sighs, nodding. "That's a sound argument, unfortunately. We'll find some time soon where no one will be looking for us, I promise."
It sounds nice - too nice, maybe. Jiang Cheng shouldn't want these things. But, regardless, he nods, reaching out to awkwardly take Lan Xichen's hand for just a moment before releasing it.
"We can talk more later. But… I'm glad we talked now. Got things straightened out."
"Me too, A-Cheng."
His ears are hot as Lan Xichen moves towards him and places a gentle kiss on his cheek.
"I'll head out first. But I promise, soon, we'll have some time."
Maybe things will be alright. Maybe they can do this. Maybe Not Wei Wuxian won't ruin anything like Wei Wuxian had. Jiang Cheng can't say anything to Lan Xichen as he leaves because there's too much hope in him now. He watches him go, gaze lingering on his moonbeam frame as he rounds a corner, out of sight. Oh, there is so much hope in him now, it's terrifying.