Chapter Text
Kokichi always traveled amongst the shadows. Many times, Kokichi appeared in places he wasn’t meant to be, knowing things he had no way of knowing unless he had been there for the conversation, saying things that previously were spoken into being by another person. He acted on knowledge not meant for him, which put him one step ahead of the rest of the students in this godforsaken school.
That’s what made Shuichi check. He searched the premises with his peripheral, finding excuses to move questionable variants into his vision. Thinking he had the upper hand, he always, always made sure the subject of his and Kokichi’s interest sat at the forefront of his sight while he investigated variants in the background. He found it to be clever: investigating like a real detective while using what little acting skills he obtained from his parents over the years to keep Kokichi’s guard down and not alerting any other person he found himself around when speaking about secret information.
Perhaps that’s what earned him what he eventually learned was Kokichi’s label for him.
Trustworthy?
Shuichi never told a soul he knew Kokichi’s hiding places, but he told everyone things Kokichi wanted to hear. Holding a candle up in pitch darkness, if you will. And just like a bug to a light, Shuichi drew out his prey.
The shadows came alive when a hand reached out to him and absorbed him in a silent flash. A boy who believed no one took him seriously, no one would ever truly see him, danced with the shadows to stay hidden and began to dance for two. Shuichi blindly struggled to learn the steps to this dance, but eventually he learned only Kokichi knew the tempo changes, the style, where to exactly put his feet. His best bet was to simply let Kokichi lead and pray no one stepped on each other’s feet.
This dance in their dark void began after Kirumi’s execution. With death growing more and more inevitable by the hour, Shuichi supposed Kokichi realized he needed a partner. This unspoken acknowledgment between them deemed him worthy enough to join dark, but when he danced close enough, he found Kokichi held his own, well-hidden candle, and together, they kept each other on fire in the shadows.
Time passed, and their flickering lights grew into deep, bright reds and oranges. The dance became warm, heat passing between them and fueling them higher and higher. Shuichi knew his candle melted in his hands, but Kokichi fed his fire, and in the shadows, he needed to see or he’d lose his way. If Kokichi let go, all he’d have was a dying fire and he’d be alone with no way out.
So he kept dancing. So he kept burning. So he let Kokichi lead and fuel. They were an unstoppable burning force in the shadows.
His candle finally melted in his palms at the end of the fourth trial, and Shuichi realized that’s all they were anyway. Shadows. He and Kokichi belonged here. This was home. And in the shadows, dark thoughts thrive and grow beyond control. Plotting, scheming, any word of the sort, Shuichi had a list of synonyms to describe Kokichi’s actions.
Shuichi lived in the shadows because he let himself be drawn here by curiosity, and just like a cat, it got him. The phrase said “and satisfaction brought him back,” but where was the satisfaction in this? In two meaningless deaths? Kokichi drew Gonta into the shadows, and instead of guiding him like he had Shuichi, Kokichi let him wander until the darkness consumed him.
Until it consumed Shuichi with him. Maybe if he was good at his job, Shuichi would’ve seen this as an allegory—he can’t bring himself to say warning—for their story.
Story… what is this story?
Shuichi opens his eyes to darkness. Everywhere he looks. Shuichi lives in it. His memories of this place. His mind. The present. Life before this school feels so far away, sometimes he wonders if all he’s ever known is darkness and shadows.
“Are you being emo again?”
His desk lamp flickers on, and Kokichi spins around in the rolling chair like a mob boss. He smirks when Shuichi locks eyes with him, the latter barely able to keep his own eyes open. His hair shines in the lamp light. His skin’s fresh as if he just completed a skincare routine.
Kokichi thrives in the darkness.
Shuichi wants to—needs to… do something. Scream. Hit. Destroy. Instead, he only sits up enough to see Kokichi better. That’s all of the energy his burnt out candle passed along to him.
“Oh,” draws out Kokichi, tapping a finger against his lips. “That happy to see me, Shumai?”
“Why are you here?” His voice sounds foreign. Thin and raspy. His throat stings. Could Kokichi tell he’s been crying?
“Our nightly dates. Don’t tell me you forgot!” Kokichi holds a hand to his forehead. “Is Shuichi breaking up with me?”
Now that draws out a scowl. “You broke us.”
“Me?” This ignorant attitude twists the growing pain in Shuichi’s chest. “I saved us, but sure, go on, detective. What do you know?”
“I know that you’re manipulative.” Shuichi slides his hands under his legs. Kokichi doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of seeing them shake. “You manipulated Gonta into your dirty work. I knew you didn’t want to die, but have you lived in the dark so long that you’re willing to give up your morals just to see another day?”
“Manipulated Gonta,” he echoes, his eyebrow perking just enough to notice. “You sure have my whole plan figured out. You got me.”
Shuichi grips the covers underneath him. “You’re mocking me. Be honest for once.”
“I’m mocking you ? You want honesty? Hm?” Kokichi stands from the chair. Shuichi refuses to flinch. Kokichi’s tone stays low and steady, which makes his next statements feel heavier. “You’re showing me you don’t know a thing about me! I thought for sure you were acting in the trial. I thought we put on a great show. I believed we sold the bit.”
“Acting?! Kokichi, you killed Gonta. You killed Miu. Those deaths are on your hands. There’s nothing for me to ‘act.’ I meant every word I said.”
Kokichi’s gaze drops. “Yeah? Well, I saved you. Two lives for your soul. Carry that on your shoulders and tell me how great you feel.”
Shuichi blinks. The wax from the candle in his mind burns his palms. “Wh-What?”
For the first time, Shuichi really observes Kokichi since he arrived. His fists shake, much like Shuichi’s own under his legs. Hair shines from the light not because it’s wet, it’s greasy from lack of care. Bags hang under deep, swollen, red eyes.
“Kokichi… were you crying before you came here?”
Kokichi huffs as he sits on the edge of the bed, facing the opposite direction. “No. Leaders don’t cry. We stay strong because we have to. We make tough decisions and take every blow back. My skin and heart are hardened.” For good measure, he repeats, “leaders don’t cry.”
“Okay…” Shuichi finds the strength to sit beside him but not the heart to steady his shaking hand. “I’m listening. Seriously. My mind is open.”
“I’m more interested if you shut your heart.”
“…to be determined.”
Kokichi sucks his cheek in to bite as he thinks. That’s a feature Shuichi picked up from their time in the shadows together. He does this only when he knows he needs to be honest and it’ll hurt. Shuichi always wondered if that’s a form of punishment.
“Miu. I found her murder plans. She wanted to kill you.”
“What?” Shuichi finds himself asking that a lot. “Why?”
Kokichi looks at him like he grew another head. “Are you serious?”
“I… I just don’t understand.”
“Oh, c’mon.” Kokichi shuts his eyes and inhales deeply. When he exhales, he releases his fists. Shuichi spies signs of blood under his nails. He tries again, “all of the blackened have been found because of you. You know me. I know, too, but I do my shit in the trial to help lead everyone the right way, but—I just… I do it the way I do it so people don’t target me. If the killer was smart, they’d target the clever ones like us, so I lie. A lot. I don’t want that target on my back, but I can’t leave everyone out to dry. And Miu… she—“
“She was a genius,” Shuichi finishes for him. He raises a hand to her chin. “She targeted me because I would figure it out if she killed anyone else. Am I understanding?”
Barely above a whisper. “Keep going.”
“And she knew no one would believe you. She knew no one else was capable.”
“Bingo.”
“Okay. I’m following you so far… but why Gonta?”
Kokichi bites his cheek again. He turns his face away, but Shuichi catches the tears beginning to pool. “It wasn’t meant to spiral like that. I only wanted to confront her. I figured if she was so far gone that she’d plan a murder, I’d need backup. I knew Gonta wouldn’t agree to all of this. He’d want to tell the group. So I… I pushed him. I pushed him too far. I lost control of the situation.”
“Kokichi—“
“I’m supposed to be the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and I lost control. It all happened so fast, and you couldn’t see me in the trial. You looked at me and saw darkness. I pushed both of you too far, and now I’m alone again. I’m alone.”
You’re alone, Kokichi. And always will be.
He screwed up.
“I-I didn’t know.” Shuichi breaks and holds his hand. Kokichi doesn’t retract, but he doesn’t return his hold either. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kokichi side-eyes him. The redness around his irises darkened. “Because you would've let her do it.”
“Why would you say that—“
“You blame yourself for Kaede and Rantaro. You won’t admit it, but you blame yourself for Tenko, too. We were right there, and Korekiyo killed her. You think it’s what you deserve. You couldn’t be involved, or I really would be alone.”
Shuichi flashes back to the murder in the dark. Tenko was there, and then she wasn’t. They just spoke. She was full of life, and they all let her down. They let her go. How the weight of that guilt feels heavier than he realized because he ignored it for so long.
“You’re right. I would’ve let Miu do it,” he whispers. Kokichi finally returns his hold. “I’m sorry. I put you in a terrible position.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I did this to myself. All I’ve done is burn you.”
Shuichi squeezes harder in case Kokichi retracts. “No. I burned you. We’ve been dancing so long in the dark, I forgot how to see you. I see you now, and I’m so sorry it took me so long. All of this is my fault.”
Kokichi stands and slips his hand out despite Shuichi’s tight grip. Something about this feels finite. His candle burnt out, but Kokichi himself was a candle this whole time. He burned for him, for everyone, but Shuichi was so scared of the dark, so concerned about his tiny flame, he never noticed how bright the light next to him truly was until he disappeared.
Because of Shuichi’s words in the trial, Kokichi no longer traveled in the shadows. His gaze blackens, and Kokichi burns out. All that remains is wax, and Kokichi molds it, becoming one with the darkness.
“And that’s why I have to initiate the next phase of my plan.” Kokichi ducks under Shuichi’s desk, digging through a backpack he brought along. “You won’t like it.”
What? Shuichi holds the word back because if Kokichi wants to tell him, he will. And if Kokichi doesn’t, Shuichi deserves it.
Kokichi hides whatever he finds behind his back when he stands. “I came here to tell you the truth. Someone deserves to know.”
A lump forms in his throat. “You—You say that like you’re going to die.”
“I might,” admits Kokichi. His chest falls for only a moment, and if Shuichi blinked, he would’ve missed it. Then Kokichi straightens up. “That’s a possible outcome. I went through every scenario… and any scenario with you ends badly for us both.”
“Whatever you’re going to do, don’t. Please.” Shuichi stands. His heart beats hard against his chest, rising so high into his throat he almost can’t speak. “Whatever it is, don’t do it alone.”
Kokichi smiles softly. “Any outcome with you ends with you broken and hating yourself more than ever. It’s best if I remove myself from your equation and dance alone.”
He catches a glimpse of the flashlight behind him. Shuichi’s eyes well up with tears. “Kokichi, don’t do this to me. I love you.”
The first time he’s uttered those words. It feels right, he feels relieved yet terrified. He mouths please over and over.
“If I say it back,” Kokichi reveals, holding up the flashback light, “I won’t go through with it.”
“I love you.”
Kokichi aims.
“I love you.”
Kokichi squeezes his eyes shut. “I can’t let you anymore or I can’t save everyone.”
Click!
-
Shuichi opens his eyes to darkness. Everywhere he looks. Shuichi lives in it. His memories of this place. His mind. The present. Life before this school feels so far away, sometimes he wonders if all he’s ever known is darkness and shadows.
The world grew darker when Kaede’s light burned out. Now Kaito, too? Anyone that says there’s only one shade of black is a liar.
He flicks on the light, illuminating Kokichi’s mess of a living space. Makes sense, honestly. The only person darker than Shuichi lived in utter chaos.
As that thought crosses his mind, he can’t help but wonder how well he really knew Kokichi. When he thinks about the guy, his mind draws a blank. He knows everything that happened, but he can’t help but feel a piece to the puzzle is missing. Like, he shouldn’t be angry with Kokichi. Like, maybe he doesn’t understand something.
The theory grows when he finds “trustworthy?” on the board. Shuichi never earned Kokichi’s trust, that was obvious. The maniac never shared any info with him, yet he seemed to find Shuichi trustworthy?
He turns to Kokichi’s desk, which looks like Kokichi set off a bomb and paper exploded everywhere. Shuffling through it, he finds a stack of sticky notes. Scribbled in hasty writing, Shuichi finds Kokichi’s last words.
Hold onto my final words. I love you, too.
Shuichi pockets the sticky note despite the hatred stirring in his stomach. It’s the least he could do.