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Mikey usually wasn't one to feel scared. But that night had proven that there was one thing that frightened him the most.
Losing draken.
Putting on a facade and a fake smile, he assured everyone that everything would be okay.
"He promised me that we would run this world together," he told his friends, trying to cling to his every word and believe it was enough to keep Draken alive.
It was not enough. But he was Toman's leader, he couldn't break down now. If he let it show how scared he was, the others would panic as well. He had to be the one keeping everyone's hopes up.
He had to hold it together. That’s what leaders do. They burden every pain for themselves so others are able to live more carefree. But at some point, things start to pile up and you find yourself no longer being able to stand on your own two feet.
Mikey usually wasn’t one to feel powerless. But that night he learned how that felt, sitting and waiting in the hospital hall for any news about Draken’s state. There was simply nothing to do but to sit there and wait.
Wait, wait, and wait.
How long had passed since the ambulance had brought Draken to the hospital? How long had they been waiting for him? Mikey could no longer feel time passing. It felt like infinity to wait for him to come out of surgery alive.
With no shadow of a doubt, he would stay there for as long as it took. Not having his Ken-chin by his side seemed to be one of the scariest things he ever had to go through. He was already so sick of losing the important people in his life.
Mikey wished he could fall asleep now like the others around him. His mind couldn’t seem to stop racing though. His heart wouldn’t stop pounding. He felt queasy.
There were still so many places he wanted to go with Draken, so many things he wanted to do and say to him. So many things for them to explore together. There was nowhere else that he felt safer than between Draken’s arms. God, how Mikey missed the way Draken would wrap himself around his tiny frame, covering him completely. Draken had given him his whole heart and soul like a vow of protecting Mikey from any possible harm.
When Mikey was within Draken’s embrace, he could feel the weight on his shoulders get a little bit lighter than before. It was the only place he managed to let his armor down.
Mikey needed him more than anything. Now more than ever. Draken was what made his darkness less dark and his edges less sharp. Draken was what made him not spiral completely. He was always there to lend a hand in case Mikey ever needed it. Or the times when Mikey couldn’t take his hand and ask for help Draken would be the one to pick him up and lead him to better places. Places where Mikey could be himself. Places where he didn’t have to be anyone else that wasn’t Sano Manjiro.
Was Mikey overthinking this? No, right? He was definitely scared the right amount. Anything less than this wouldn’t be true to his feelings for Draken.
He felt the anxiety rise in his throat. It was like he couldn’t breathe. Without wanting to alarm anyone, he went to the bathroom to try and keep his cool. He didn’t want to show the others how badly he was taking the wait. The not-knowing about when or if his best friend and lover would leave the surgery alive was what was driving him insane.
Trying to calm himself down, he started to count and breathe in and out slowly. This feeling was nothing new to him, he had had his shares of panic attacks since a while ago. But this time he didn’t have Draken to help him go through it. He felt like he was the one dying at that moment. Mikey let a few tears roll down his face but still tried to muffle down his sobs so no one would hear him cry.
Never once did Draken abandon him when he was feeling like this. He always stayed by Mikey’s side and helped him calm down. Draken never seemed to be scared by Mikey’s breakdowns. And the single knowledge that Draken was standing by his side was already enough to help him out. Even the times that Draken was not present they would talk it out on the phone and he would aid him anyway.
Draken loved him when he was unstable. Loved him when he was broken in pieces. Loved him with the good and the ugly. Loved him despite it all. He couldn’t figure out why though, but he decided to let himself be loved anyway, even if he didn’t think that he was worth this kind of care and attention. Draken was the one he would call for security. He was his rock. Mikey had committed his fair share of mistakes in this life, but loving Draken was definitely not one of them. He was just grateful that he was loved back.
Never once did Draken judge him when he was unable to love himself. There was no one else Mikey trusted more than Draken. And without him here to ground him, this panic attack felt even worse than any he had ever had before.
Mikey felt dizzy. Everything around him was spinning. All he could see was a blur as his eyes were filled with tears. He could no longer feel his legs, it was like they had gone numb.
“It’s fine. It’s fine,” he whispered to himself like a mantra trying to ease the anxiety.
After a few minutes of painfully dealing with his panic attack by himself, he managed to make it go away. Mikey wiped his tears away and inhaled deeply one last time before getting up to go check himself in the mirror.
Fuck.
He was a mess. His eyes were so red. There was no way he could go back to the others looking like this. He threw some water in his face and let his hair loose, thinking maybe he could hide behind his bangs even if it brought more attention to him.
When Mikey went back to where the rest were, he prayed that he hadn’t been gone for too long. All he saw was his friends still asleep. He let out a breath of relief he didn’t know that he was holding.
There were about a million thoughts going through his head right now but the loudest one was the fear of never being able to tell Draken that he loved him. Mikey had always played it safe and tried to cover up what his heart wanted to say. He had been hiding all these words and feelings, and now Draken might never be able to hear them out. What was he even waiting for? He shouldn’t have waited for Draken to almost die so he would confess. He hoped from the bottom of his heart that Draken already knew how much he loved him, even if he hadn’t used these specific words yet. It was about time he said them out loud though.
The panic had gone away but his worries were still there, just as strong as before. But to his surprise, a doctor was just leaving the room Draken was in. Mikey quickly approached him asking how the surgery went.
“We managed to save his life. The operation was a success. He just needs a little more rest,” the doctor said in a calming voice.
Mikey felt like his knees would give in at any minute and he would just fall to the ground. He was so relieved.
The next couple of minutes were a blur. He remembers saying some reassuring words to the ones just waking up but he was on autopilot and could barely register what was coming out of his own mouth. He just needed a moment to be alone.
His legs seemed to have brought him to a corner outside the hospital building. When he realized he was already sitting down on the floor bawling his eyes out.
“Thank god, Ken-chin…” he muttered to himself.
As much as he was relieved to know that Draken’s life was no longer in danger, his heart would not rest until he saw him with his own two eyes to make sure he was okay. Mikey wiped the tears away and took a long breath before standing up and marching back to the hospital building.
As soon as he found the doctor that had given them the news about Draken, he asked when he would be able to see him. Much to his disappointment, he was told that visiting hours would open only in the morning and that he had to wait until then.
Once again he found himself tired of waiting. However, this time he was all alone. Everyone else had already gone home. Somehow he was relieved by that though, knowing that he didn’t have to pretend to be holding it together anymore.
All Mikey could hear was the ticking sound of the clock down the hall and it was driving him nuts. The hospital’s empty hallways now felt more depressing than ever. God, how he missed Draken. The funny thing is that the only thing that could possibly make this situation a bit more bearable would be having Draken by his side. He was the only person that managed to ground Mikey.
He fully knew he could be a lot sometimes, but despite his every flaw, Draken always stood by his side. Mikey didn’t know why he hadn’t run away already. At that moment he didn’t have Draken’s shoulder to cry on, or his hands to carefully caress his head, or his soothing voice reassuring him that everything would be okay.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Draken would always tell him when he felt like the whole world around him was crumbling.
Without any doubt, Draken was what made his life a bit more tolerable. He was the only thing keeping his heart beating. He was always there to pick up his pieces and put them back together. No matter how many times it had to be done, Draken always did it diligently.
When Mikey felt trapped with all the heavy burdens he had to carry, it was Draken who made it easier for him to breathe. Draken somehow had this grasp over him that he could not quite figure out. But then everything seemed so simple when Mikey would look back at Draken and he could see in his eyes how much he was loved. If anyone caught sight of this they would also be as in love with him as Mikey was.
Every day spent together they seemed to learn brand new things about each other. After spending so much time together he would’ve figured they would already know everything about one another. Yet Mikey was always surprised by the newly acquired pieces of information and discovery that he could love Draken so much more than he already did. He liked learning about the things that no one else knew about him. Mikey was not one to share much, but with Draken, he somehow felt comfortable opening up from time to time.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
It was like the clock was mocking him at this point. Mikey glared at it and time had barely passed, yet it felt like hours had gone by already.
After a couple of hours that seemed to go on forever, morning had finally come around and Draken was ready to have visitors. Mikey was taken to his room and much to his dismay Draken was still asleep. The doctors had already told him that it would probably take a while for him to wake up, but Mikey still wanted to stay by his side.
Wanting to be as close to him as possible, he dragged a chair to sit next to the bed. Draken’s hands were calloused and scarred from the fight, but holding them was the most comforting thing that Mikey could have ever asked for at that moment. Mikey brought Draken’s hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss on the back of it.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he told him like Draken had always done to him.
Without letting go of Draken’s hand, Mikey let his head rest on the bed next to Draken’s body. Mikey had already lost count of how many hours he had been waiting. His eyes were so heavy. He could feel his eyelids almost closing. Just the presence of Draken next to him was already enough to make him relax a little and the sleep deprivation started to catch up to him. Without meaning to, he fell asleep.
Mikey’s mind had decided to take him back to the time he and Draken had met. Just a couple of kids, so young and naive. Times like these seemed so far away now. It hadn’t been that many years ago to be quite honest, but still, Mikey felt like he had known Draken his entire life.
There was no way of knowing how long it had passed since he had fallen asleep next to Draken. Yet Mikey couldn’t have asked for a better way to wake up. It was the sight of Draken smiling down at him and the feeling of him caressing his head that brought Mikey back to life.
“Morning,” Draken grinned at him.
Tears of relief were about to fall from his eyes but Mikey managed to keep them inside.
“Don’t make me worry like that, you asshole,” Mikey said, lightly punching Draken’s arm.
“Sorry,” Draken giggled. “Ouch!” He whined in pain from laughter and pressed a hand on where his wound was.
“You okay?” Mikey asked, concerned. Seeing Draken suffering was just too painful.
“Yea. Just hurts a little. Don’t worry about it,” Draken reassured him. “How are you? How did the fight go?”
It was just like him to be the one who got stabbed and still be the one who was making sure that Mikey was okay. He was tired of making Draken worry about him all the time. For once, he wanted to be the one who Draken could lean on.
“I’m fine. We won,” Mikey answered briefly.
Silence filled the room and Mikey couldn’t help but feel restless. There was nothing that he wanted to do but try to make it up to him. He would make sure that Draken healed properly. He would make sure that something like this would never happen again. He wasn’t really sure what had to be done though. How would he make sure that Draken was safe and taken care of? It was usually the other way around.
“Hey, I’m really okay. I promise,” Draken said, squeezing Mikey’s hand. It was like he could read his mind.
“I just… I just wanted to be helpful somehow,” Mikey said, stroking Draken’s hand with his finger.
Draken sighed.
“You don’t have to do anything, y’know? Just… stay with me,” he admitted, slightly flustered.
Mikey could feel his face heating up a little as he tried to swallow down his embarrassment. Even though they had been together for quite a while, it still made his heart race when Draken would say stuff like that.
“I’d never leave you, idiot,” Mikey mumbled.
More than anything now he wanted to hold Draken in his arms and kiss him all over his face. But he tried to contain himself, seeing as Draken was still feeling pain even from slight movements.
And once again like he was reading his mind, Draken made space for Mikey next to him and patted the bed.
“Come on up.”
“What? No way! You’re still hurt.”
“You said you wanted to do something to help. Holding you will make me feel better,” Draken said with a smug smile plastered on his face.
“I’m not gonna fit. The bed is too narrow,” he said, attempting to make an excuse.
“You’re small. You’ll take no space at all,” Draken teased.
“Shut up! Am not!” he replied pouting.
Mikey pondered for a minute before giving in and climbing on the bed. Without missing a beat, Draken wrapped his arms around him and let out a relieving sigh. With Draken’s head pressed on top of his, Mikey buried his face in Draken’s shoulders.
The two of them stayed like that for a couple of minutes, just taking in each other’s presence. Chests rising and falling in synchrony, breathing together as one. Mikey was finally able to completely relax. His heart was finally in peace.
“This is nice,” Draken murmured after a while.
They went quiet for a moment once again. Mikey kept trying to muster the courage to find the right words to express how he felt. Draken seemed to have noticed it and let Mikey take his time.
It was Draken who brought out the best in him, parts of him that he had never seen before. Gravity seemed to always pull them to each other. Everybody needs someone to remind themselves that they are not alone, and he hoped he could be that person for Draken like he was for him.
Draken was the one that kept him at his best and one disaster less. He was always there to distract Mikey when his head was racing with too many bad thoughts, always there to remind him of the little things and give him something worth looking forward to. Draken was the only one Mikey saw in the dark.
Being with Draken was what made it all alright. As long as they were together, he knew they were ready to face anything. Maybe it was time for him to be honest to his heart. So it all boils down to this. He had to put all the cards on the table. A truth so loud he could no longer ignore.
“You know that I love you, right?” Mikey said, fidgeting with Draken’s fingers without being able to look him in the eyes.
“I know,” Draken replied softly. “It’s still nice to hear you say it though,” he smiled gently.
Mikey had finally managed to look back at him, heart melting at the sight of Draken staring at him fondly. He could just barely contain the tears from spilling out.
“I love you, too. Just so you know.”
“I know,” Mikey replied with a shy smile of his own.