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Lily throws away the letters Amanda sends her in the trash.
But before that she reads them sometimes.
She always expects accusations of betrayal, and already imagines her responses saying that Amanda knew what she was doing when she drank the glass Lily had given her that night, that she chose it knowing where it would lead. Or maybe how could she have been sure she hadn't killed Mark herself, the same way she'd killed the horse. She was crazy after all.
But these don't come.
Maybe the accusations were in the ones she threw away without reading. But Lily doesn't think so.
Sometimes Amanda talks about the hospital, her routine, her medication. Other times about her childhood, about sleepovers and about riding horses.
But mostly Amanda talks about them, with a calm and direct tone, but without the deserved accusations. She talks about understanding and being understood.
She says: If there was anyone in this world that I could have loved I think it would have been you, but I don't think I'll ever know now.
And that hurts more than any of the accusations Lily sometimes imagines.
And for this she has no answer.