Chapter Text
Beomgyu has the horrendous ability to drive Kai insane.
It’s haunting. It floats in the air silently at first, making its way to his ears and entering his mind like a worm, and then, it explodes into millions of pieces that make a home for themselves in the cavities of his brain. Just horrible.
Beomgyu is the only person on earth who can push Kai to the edge, to the point of unhingedness and whatever comes next. Even if Kai’s resistance has leveled up throughout the years, he still finds himself surprised rather often.
The regular antics are easy to let pass; they vary from annoying displays of stupidity that Kai joins so he doesn’t cry (Beomgyu pretending he forgot the password of his phone when Kai has an important call to make—Kai never has credit, no comments on that, please), to acts that Kai has learned to accept as part of the “Beomgyu’s best friend package” (like making sure Kai is always well dressed, or excessive skinship—“begrudgingly” hand holding and overly loving hugs—or endless aegyo that could’ve ended in them kissing accidentally).
It’s easy to rub those off, everyone has gone through them when Beomgyu is around, and nobody cares enough because it’s normal-Beomgyu-behavior.
But then, the shit that really makes Kai go nuts can be as unnoticeable as a needle in a haystack. It’s the little things that make him tin-hat from eight to five like his life depended on it. They include Beomgyu hiding his face in the crook of Kai’s neck while wrapping their pinkies together during horror movies despite Beomgyu being amazing at not getting scared, or Beomgyu acting oddly defiant to the point he places his face a little too close to Kai’s own. And the weirdest of them all is Beomgyu whispering I love you either in the cheesiest or the most uninterested voice ever, constantly, whenever it comes up in their movie of choice for the night—which is why Kai has been actively avoiding horror and romance the past nights for several weeks now.
Kai thinks it’s because they didn’t regularly meet each other the months prior, maybe he has forgotten how to keep his composure around Beomgyu’s newly acquired antics. Then he remembers he is the only non-blood-related person who knows Beomgyu like he knows the lines on his palm. This isn’t normal-Beomgyu-behavior, not for Kai.
And then it comes.
“I love you”
Beomgyu repeats under his breath like it means something. It floats in the air along with dust particles and dissipates without reaching a target because it isn’t addressed to anyone in the room. Kai is the only other soul around and Beomgyu doesn’t look at him while saying it. However, Kai looks at Beomgyu from the corner of his eye, almost hoping to catch him staring back.
It’s a little humiliating but Kai has been waiting for it to come, a look, a twitch, a word. Anything would do, really. And even if Kai knows by now that nothing else follows, expecting comes like a knee-jerk reaction. Frantically.
Movie nights have been their tradition for years, but only now Kai is noticing the overwhelming amount of sprinkled romance in movies… action movies, this being the only acceptable genre he has left.
Back then romance wasn’t that bothering because Beomgyu didn’t say shit, he laughed awkwardly at confession scenes like a normal straight dude would do, and Kai followed because laughing-Beomgyu was funny on his own.
Many things have changed since then, like Beomgyu being straight—or Kai thinking Beomgyu is straight.
Kai’s heart stops just a little when the moment comes, long enough to make him notice and to live with the dread of knowing Choi Beomgyu made his heart stop. Again.
Thirteen-year-old Kai wouldn’t believe twenty-two-year-old Kai about this. The teen would laugh at his face and mock him for that. ‘Beomgyu? The hyung with the round thick glasses? Doesn’t he go around screaming ‘MOM‘ like his life is about to end? Didn’t he start pressing random keys on the piano while we were playing?’
But to make it more accurate and embarrassing, thirteen-year-old Kai wouldn’t believe that when he turned fourteen he and Beomgyu sort-of-kind-of became inseparable after eating a package of jellies stuck in the school’s vending machine. They fished it with a pen for twenty minutes and shared it on their way home while they talked about life like they were adults.
Then, when eighteen-year-old Kai got his first heartbreak, it was also thanks to Beomgyu. Taehyun would correct Kai and tell him not to use thanks to, but because of instead. But Kai is thankful, at least that got Beomgyu out of his mind for two years and a half.
He’s back though. Like the devil.
“I love you,” Beomgyu repeats once more, like a prayer. Some chant that is meant to lure Kai into hell and he can feel the flames burning on his neck already.
It happens every so often that Kai is now aware of what his body is going to do even if he doesn’t command it. He tenses first, his forefinger twitches lightly, and he blinks twice as his eyes fixate on the screen. He thinks about the protagonists kissing in front of him, that could be them, Beomgyu and him if they didn’t spend their nights watching movies. If Kai confessed. If Beomgyu liked him back.
It could be them.
Kai brushes the thoughts away. Quickly, his throat produces a sound. “Hm?”
When it comes to Beomgyu, Kai’s body is on autopilot.
“Nothing.”
Nothing is Beomgyu’s default response. Sometimes “nothing” is replaced by “it sounded funny”, but that’s as much as Kai gets. He wonders if Beomgyu’s mouth is on autopilot too.
He supposes it is. That’s sort of what happens when you spend too much time around someone, right? You get used to things being a certain way, stuff being in certain places. Your hands know the right amount of everything that goes into the food they like (Kai knows when to stop pouring water into the noodles, how much spice Beomgyu can take, if he has to keep them for longer on the stove or remove them sooner). Your eyes know where to look when you’re searching for the coffee at their house (Beomgyu leaves it in the third top cabinet, beside the sugar but behind the tea). Your ears know when they are at home (Beomgyu always shakes his keys before entering, he opens the door without a rush and it squeaks from the slowness. He steps lazily on the rug without lifting his feet much, leaving the corner up. He never fixes it).
Kai holds a cushion closer to his chest, he strokes it with his open palm restraining from quick movements. And lord, he needs to rub the fuck out of someone’s belly right now.
“That’s nice,” he then mumbles onto the fabric, more to himself. And talking is a mistake because the screen shows the main characters still kissing while he has his mouth plastered open on Beomgyu’s mom’s cushion. Have movies extended the kissing airtime or is time simply moving too slow for him?
“The kiss? Sloppy. But if that’s what you like...” Beomgyu’s face morphs into confusion, he stares at the screen with squinted eyes and a mouth so twisted that Kai wants to leave the room because he almost knows what Beomgyu is thinking: Kai is a loser.
Kai could take the chance. He could say no, I like slower kisses. Beomgyu could say show me. They kiss. End of the story. But Beomgyu wouldn’t respond that way, Kai won’t take the chance, and this isn’t a movie about the apocalypse in which they rushedly hold each other cause they don’t have more days ahead.
“No-no, I mean... It’s the end of the world so it’s valid, right?”
Beomgyu chuckles like Kai just told the best joke he’s heard in his life, it comes with an exaggerated throw of his head back and many (meaning: many many) claps. But Beomgyu stops the laughter as quickly as he starts it. His entire body turns to face Kai, eyes darted to him like he wants to eat him alive (not in a good way, unless Kai squints), this reinforced by the lazy smile drawn across his face.
It’s so terrifyingly attractive that Kai is holding his breath, sucking it in for so long that he almost believes there’s no need for oxygen.
He needs Beomgyu only.
It’s in the way Beomgyu’s hair falls slightly over his eyes, and the bright orange light of the screen casts warm shadows on his face. Or how his lips are colored in the prettiest red. Or maybe it’s the loose white shirt he’s wearing, falling from his shoulders gracefully and revealing the soft skin of his chest. That’s the devil, Kai thinks. Kai knows.
“Kai-yah…” Beomgyu starts, his voice lowering, “Is that the way you’d like to be kissed if the world was ending? And don’t take it lightly. This is a veeery serious matter. The world. Is. Ending. That’s gonna be your last kiss. Ever. Like lips gone for good.”
Kai would say no, but he sort of understands the guy in the movie. Kai, too, was in love with his friend; he, too, never confessed. “... But he waited years to kiss her, there surely will be a bit of urgency, right?”
Beomgyu’s hands fly in the air, “and that’s his fault!!!! What’s the point of pinning on someone for that long? She gave him clear signs!”
Kai wants to die… for five seconds. Five seconds are enough for him.
“She did?” Kai noticed the signs, but he’s playing dumb. It’s easier to get Beomgyu nodding—and he does, proudly—than to convince him otherwise.
Signs. Funny little things, they are so easy to read and so easy to miss. Kai is good, he’s hyper-aware of them actually, but after ruminating on whatever his hypothesis is for hours, he feels like an insane man. What if he’s reading too much into it? What if he’s completely wrong about it and his mind is just feeding itself to keep him sane? If sane is still an adjective that can describe him.
Kai knows Beomgyu is always right anyway, so he sighs, allowing his head to fall back and hit the wall. He can’t beat Beomgyu. His head rolls to meet Beomgyu’s face in an attempt to look less avoidant. “How should he have kissed her then?”
It isn’t suggestive. Kai doesn‘t think about the many implications of it when he says it, but he does think about them after the words come out. Will you show me? Has to be the main one. And he’s probably reading too much into it right now.
Beomgyu’s eyes don’t lose their way to stare at his lips for a second, Beomgyu’s hand isn’t gripping the cushion that lies between them, readying him to lean closer to Kai’s face. No. Beomgyu isn’t thinking of actually showing him how that kiss should’ve gone.
“Maybe the next movie will show you what I mean,” Beomgyu whispers low, a finger over his mouth as he looks back at the screen.
Kai is going insane inside his body, despite his eyes making him look like he’s dead inside (because he kind of is). His eyes have become black holes consuming all the light as he fixes himself on the couch, while his head chronically repeats you show me, as an answer that he can’t say. You show me how he should’ve kissed her.
Oh.
My.
God.
Maybe Taehyun is right (even if his tone often indicates it’s a joke) and Kai does need real professional help.
“You don’t need therapy, you need to kiss him right now,” Yeonjun blurts out while cockily sipping on his coffee. He talks like that’s the solution to all of Kai’s problems and Kai is very close to believing him. Maybe he could trust the course of his entire life to this very moment, all Kai needs is to release the years of pent-up wants.
Kai didn’t want to think about Beomgyu during their weekly breakfast meet up but that’s what happens when you have noisy gay friends and the very telling habit of rubbing people’s bellies to comfort yourself. They got him on the spot while rubbing Taehyun’s belly, and now he is going to get ruined in the worst way possible, he’s getting juried and he is definitely going to lose the people on this.
“Yeah, make out with him or something,” Soobin follows, he giggles devilishly before taking a bite of his omelet. Soobin munches on it so deliciously that Kai thinks he can eat his own (now gone cold) despite the knot in his stomach.
“This rice is no joke,” Taehyun pays them no mind. But still, the three of them look at him expecting a rational solution, their eyebrows raised and their eyes following the bunch of rice Taehyun puts in his mouth next. He bites a bit, swallows, and sighs putting his chopsticks down, “We talk about this every other day at home. I told him to confess and stop being a chronic yearner already. I don’t know what else you want from me.”
“That’s a really good option,” Soobin agrees.
Yeonjun nods, “Hyunie is right.”
After a few seconds of anxiously looking to the sides hoping for someone to throw in a less risky option, Kai giggles awkwardly and whispers with a hand cupping his mouth, “I can’t do that.”
Taehyun frowns incredulously. He looks at Kai with the unbearable look of 'you have to be kidding me, but let me swallow this first'. “You’ve done it before though.”
“Yeah, he didn’t know it was me, and I thought I had no chance so it was a good shot for me to let that stuff out without repercussions. A lost cause,” Kai bites on his egg tart bitterly. The taste is comforting—sort of, because right now it brings back memories of him eating a full box of egg tarts the same day he sent that Valentine's letter in 11th grade to Beomgyu about how he found him endearing and lovable and handsome; but he knew Beomgyu was straight so the crush wasn’t that serious and it was going to leave in a day or two. Yeah, Beomgyu wasn’t straight and the crush lasted for years.
“He introduced you to half of his family, that’s almost like dating,” Yeonjun adds, matter-of-factly.
“Have you ever had close friends, hyung?” Soobin retorts mockingly. “you know, those that introduce you to their family?”
Yeonjun stares at Soobin with the biggest smugly smile on his face. An I-was-prepared-for-this kind of face. Kai worries over this because, though it can help Yeonjun’s case, it will most definitely ruin Kai’s life. “Have you met Taehyunie’s cousins from his mother’s side? Kai met Beomgyu’s, and we’ve met Hyunie’s sister twice in the past year.”
“My sister is a busy woman.”
Soobin proceeds to totally ignore the fact that he knows more about Kai’s crush than about his boyfriend’s sister, and then gasps scandalized, “damn, you and Beomgyu are married at this point!”
“It was his aunt’s wedding, nothing too special,” and it’s true, he wouldn’t have met Beomgyu’s long-lost cousins otherwise.
But that has to be the worst piece of information Kai has ever given to them, because while Yeonjun and Taehyun nod well aware of his upcoming downfall, Soobin continues asking, “gosh, he took you to his aunt’s wedding!?”
Kai sighs.
He’s doomed. He can feel the world crashing down, burning up, he can smell the smoke coming from every crack on the ground. The world is ending. He dug his grave and he’s descending his own body into it. “Yeah, his ex-boyfriend was going to be there with one of his cousins. Beomgyu hyung didn’t want to be there alone and go through the embarrassment of being the one who hasn’t moved on to a new person.”
Soobin chuckles, “that’s fair. Did you kiss in front of his family then?” There’s genuine concern in Soobin’s eyes at some point. His face is the same as when the bread is too good, but right now he’s much less pleased.
“They almost kissed,” Taehyun giggles as he lets out that bit of undisclosed, top-secret, information Kai almost made him swear not to ever tell. He would’ve made Taehyun sign a confidentiality contract if he knew he was going to spill everything to his boyfriends later. “Kai freaked out and texted me about it from the bathroom. There was a ton of fuck’s and I’m stupid’s, and one should I have kissed him? lost between crying penguin stickers.”
Fucking embarrassing.
“I did,” Kai’s voice is filled with defeat, breaking in itself. He’s been discovered as the ultimate loser. He’s incessantly fidgeting with the gem of his shirt and he is so aware of it, his fingers hurt.
“Well, I didn’t fucking know that! Stop hiding information from me, the psychology major and relationships expert,” Soobin slaps Kai’s arm across the table, “He is totally into you, I rest my case.”
An arrow of hope crosses Kai’s heart, but then he talks. “He is so not into me.”
“He is giving positive to Kai-lover.”
“Wasn’t Beomgyu seeing someone back then?” Yeonjun asks, and this is the moment Kai mentally curses Taehyun. Just how much does he share with his boyfriends? And mind you, the wedding fiasco happened some months before Kai told Yeonjun and Soobin about the existence of Beomgyu; which was five months ago, when their movie nights became consistent again, and he was starting to feel his entire being falling victim to Beomgyu once more.
Kai answers with a pout, “well… you know he’s pretty so he definitely got some texts on Grindr but he replied lazily because he isn’t easy… so technically he wasn’t seeing someone. I had to buy ice cream and watch Frozen for a month every time I went to see him.”
Yeonjun covers his mouth, his free hand travels in search of Soobin’s hand, and as soon as their fingers lace, he mumbles, “not Frozen… Not the ultimate breakup movie.”
Soobin laughs airily, “Ice… cream can cure depression, in this essay I will—”
“Stop, babe,” Yeonjun pats Soobin’s cheeks carefully.
Taehyun stares at them lovingly and for a second Kai wonders if that’s what he looks like when Beomgyu is around. Time doesn’t take the heart-eyes away, not for Kai.
“Anyway,” Taehyun huffs with excruciating eyes, “you two fake dated for a few hours, what can go wrong if you confess?”
“Nothing. I just can’t do it,” it comes off as bluntly as Kai is able to make it, which actually means he pulls out and puts on the most serious face he has in store to hide the anxiousness.
It doesn’t work, all of them chuckle, but Taehyun is the one who keeps on talking, “you literally can do it, Kai. Just say it: I like you…” Taehyun drags the words with a smile, maybe he enjoys seeing Kai retort in his seat, “or I love you if you are feeling romantic. And as easy as that you got yourself a boyfriend.”
“How would that get me a boyfriend?”
“He’s already saying I love you, how is that confusing?”
The other two look at Kai frightened, but still nodding to their boyfriend’s always-right-winner-like comebacks. Between the two letters of Kai’s no, Taehyun will easily find a yes.
“He’s not saying it to me though,” Kai thinks about the words coming out of Beomgyu’s mouth. He sees his face behind his eyelids. I love you. “It’s not for me.”
And it hurts.
“Do you think he’s stupid? You know him more than you know yourself, do you seriously think he’s stupid enough to randomly blurt out I love you’s because he thinks it’s funny?” Kai nods, Taehyun sighs. “Whatever this is,” his friend puts up a hand towards Kai and moves it in circles—it’s definitely accusatory, “is damaging your brain real bad. I need you to put on that hat you wore when I was on the brink of throwing up my feelings for those two.”
Yeonjun and Soobin smile at their mention. Those were the good times because back then Kai thought about Beomgyu in a romantic light 80% less than now.
“You’re wearing it right now though,” Kai places a hand over his head, signaling the empty space. He lets out air in the shape of awkward laughter.
“Have it back,” Taehyun places both hands over his head, he holds the imaginary hat and places it in front of Kai, “Alright, what are you going to do?”
“Tell him I like him,” Kai mumbles because he has no other choice. He has to put on the hat, he has to confront it. “How do I…”
“Make it cute,” Yeonjun smiles warmly at Kai, almost compassionate as if he understands.
“Listen to him, he confessed to Soobin hyung,” Taehyun says with a soft smile.
They were dating before Taehyun became part of their relationship. Yeonjun and Soobin used to walk hand in hand like those couples from TV, the kind you see and know they are rich to hell and back: expensive watches on their wrists, perfectly clean Chelsea boots, and long tailored coats that swing with their walk. They walked the corridors searching for Taehyun (a ripped smart hottie, and ever so slightly, a pokémon nerd) and inviting him to eat together at nice expensive places. Taehyun took Kai everywhere then so he wouldn’t be alone.
Their eat-outs became a regular thing like that, and Kai enjoys being with them because they don’t make him feel like he’s fourth wheeling—not often at least, sometimes Soobin laughs and he throws himself all over Yeonjun, or Yeonjun places a hand on Taehyun’s thigh to never let go and Kai can only hold both his hands together and look at his feet. Or fight some cookies on his phone, whatever is easier at the moment.
“Hyung, how did you…”
“He did confess first!” Soobin butts in, joy lighting up his face, dimples showing. They all know the story, everybody who knows them knows the story—Kai has listened to it ten times already—but Soobin seems to like talking about it each time he can.
And the thing is, those three are perfect for each other because Taehyun instantly clears his throat. “Don’t let him fool you, Soobin hyung started it…” He is their designated storyteller because adores bragging about Yeonjun and gushing over Soobin. He is a big fan of both. “Soobin hyung was beeegging Yeonjun hyung to open a can for him, pout out and all, and he was so cute after Yeonjun hyung opened that can, so Yeonjun kissed hi-”
“He held my chin and turned me to face him!”
Yeonjun laughs shyly, “he didn’t know how to open a can.”
“Not with his bare hands, no!” Taehyun rolls his eyes with delight, smiling at his boyfriends, “Yeonjun hyung told him I like you after that.”
The three giggle together, and Kai can see a bubble of happiness surrounding them out of nowhere. This one quickly bursts thanks to Kai’s voice. “I don’t know how to open cans,” he blurts out dumbfounded, there’s not a crumb of hope in his voice. Then he gulps when he meets eyes with his friends, a very tired group of people. “Beomgyu hyung can't open cans either.”
They all sigh. He’s hopeless.
He’s a hopeless romantic, actually.
He loves Beomgyu terribly, dreadingly, and wholeheartedly. He would ponder on the whys if it was six years ago, but now the questioning makes no sense. Kai has made a mental list of things he likes about Beomgyu before, when it was hard to process, just to conclude that there’s no way he wouldn’t like Beomgyu.
Kai supposes this sounds a little sad—years of pining, unrequited love, trying to move on just for it all to come back… well, it is a little sad—mostly because that’s what Taehyun says under his breath before going back to sipping on his coffee during their breakfast, but somehow Kai isn’t sad, he is glad it’s Beomgyu the one he’s liked for years and not some random dude.
At least he knows Beomgyu.
Beomgyu is like basking in the sunlight after a long cold night. Beomgyu gives the best hugs in town: he wraps his arms around Kai’s frame and holds him tightly near his body, and he is the one enveloping Kai even if he is technically smaller. Sometimes Beomgyu giggles in Kai’s ears while hugging and that’s enough to let Kai know that it’s okay, no matter what happened before or what’s going to happen next, now Kai is okay. And Beomgyu laughs at jokes Kai doesn’t understand but it’s fine because Kai can always find new things to laugh about when Beomgyu is around. Beomgyu makes Kai’s life more fun and bearable and warm. Especially warm.
Beomgyu is everything Kai likes, because he has those doe eyes that become bigger when they look at Kai asking for a favor, and those long lashes that he flaps repeatedly so Kai is never able to say no, and Beomgyu also has the prettiest hands Kai has ever held, and he laughs easily and often, and they both enjoy that one 2000s-rock-pop-emo-band-music playlist while they shake their heads and jump on the bed playing air guitars. There’s nobody else on earth who can enjoy that 2000s-rock-pop-emo-band-music playlist with Kai like Beomgyu does, because they made it together, because it’s for them.
Kai doesn’t have to confess because the only coherent and strong-enough reason he has is that regret can hit him like a truck, but he can live with regret. He’s done it before and it’s not as hard as it sounds.
The problem with the reason is in the reason itself: he’s done it before. He lived with the regret of not confessing and seeing Beomgyu date other men for some months while he had the worst self-loathing sessions of his life for two nights straight just to get back to himself the next day so Beomgyu could introduce him to his new boyfriend.
Kai can handle regret for the next few years until Beomgyu inevitably gets married and is too busy to talk to him, as he did every time he got someone to spend the night with. Most of their texts from those times are Beomgyu’s ramblings about his love life and a few very spaced invitations to movie nights.
It’s okay. Kai can handle buying ice cream at hell hours of the night (“chocolate, vanilla is only for happy times” and “nobody wants mint choco after a breakup, Kai” echo in his mind), watching Frozen for the umpteenth time (performing Let It Go with a pillowcase on his head, and a bed sheet tied to his neck so he can make Beomgyu laugh), and singing Angel Baby together until Beomgyu falls asleep (carrying him to bed, tucking him in, whispering goodnight even if he can’t hear). Kai can handle being the person Beomgyu relies on after breaking up with someone.
Kai thinks the problem isn’t if he can handle it because he’s done it before. The problem is he doesn’t want to keep on handling it, which is why the thoughts keep growing wilder in his head. They are wreaking havoc in his brain, planting the seeds of little delusions that slowly become big.
Kai believes there are people more suitable for Beomgyu out there, maybe people who can keep up with Beomgyu better than him. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to lose Beomgyu to them again. Maybe he has a chance this time. He can be the one Beomgyu likes this time.
So by the time Kai has finished doing mental gymnastics just so he can come to terms with confessing, and while he’s also gotten sappy as shit, the movie is about to end.
The scene pans to roses on the table, red and bright adorned in a bouquet. This isn’t only a stupid reminder that they are in Kai’s home tonight and that he is keeping one of those red-things-with-spikes in his bedroom, in the first drawer of his nightstand (he bought it in the morning and hid it like it was a cursed item because Taehyun told him that was the tool that could help him escape from his yearnerisms) but it’s also the torturing cue to a confession scene. They watch the last scene, the man sees her arrive, he calls her name, he doesn’t say I’ve been waiting for you, or I missed you, or I thought about you, he simply says—
“I love you.”
Choi Beomgyu, go to hell!!!!!!!
Beomgyu does nothing else, he murmurs the words and Kai dreads how much he wants his name said at the end of the sentence. He’s been living through these nights comforted by the fact that (at least) he gets to hear it coming from Beomgyu’s mouth, and that he’s the only other person in the room, meaning: that just for a moment he can delude himself into thinking that 'I love you' is meant for him.
“Hm?”
“It’s funny. They say it almost like it’s the last time they’ll see each other,” Kai has given up on reading Beomgyu’s expression by now, but he can hear him laugh softly.
“It could be the last time,” Kai fixes himself on the couch, hand loosely resting on some cushions he surrounded himself with.
“I think people should try their best for every I like you to not be the last,” Beomgyu mumbles looking at his hands, “make sure to do it again, not desperate, not less sincere. Must there always be some sort of impact when we say I love you?”
“I think some people don’t know if there will ever be a next time.”
“Well, I would make sure there will be one,” Beomgyu doesn’t falter when he speaks, and the security in his voice makes Kai feel a little brave for a second, like Beomgyu is indulging him to talk, and he doesn’t fight Beomgyu’s words or the feeling they inject in him. To put it simply, Kai gives into Beomgyu.
(It goes back to when Kai first met him: Thirteen-year-old Kai was playing the piano trying to impress a girl in his class until a wild fourteen-year-old Beomgyu appeared beside him smashing his fingers on the keyboard. “I will do this and leave real quick, don’t get too mad, please,” Beomgyu said and left in an instant. Kai wasn’t, and still isn’t able to say no because Beomgyu never leaves an open space for it.)
So Kai feels a little brave until the room darkens as the credits start rolling. White letters on a black screen, throwing names in and vanishing them as quickly. Kai can’t comprehend why the sound of his breathing is bothering him until he realizes this is the only sound playing in his ears.
“Kai,” Beomgyu says under his breath, almost scared, “are you okay? You’ve been wriggling on the cushions for a while.”
“Huh?” Fuck. Kai can feel the fabric between his fingers, warm from the friction. “No, I’m fine.”
“You can pick the next movie if you want to, or even an anime, we can watch that—that jujuskai thing you like.”
“Jujutsu Kaisen, hyung.”
Beomgyu giggles in relief, “good,” he says. And now it makes sense why he misspelled the title of the anime Kai has been mentioning non-stop—he’s probably talked about it ten times the past week trying to get Beomgyu to watch past episode 2. This is how they work: Kai correcting Beomgyu when it comes to anime titles, and Beomgyu watching them reluctantly for the sole reason of making Kai happy. Kai smiles involuntarily at the thought (“I’m trying! I just watch these because it makes you happy, but I swear I am trying with the names”) which also reminds him of that night a few days ago when Beomgyu sent him a picture of a cup of mint choco ice cream saying “still toothpaste flavored but I get it a little bit more now, I think” or when he allowed Kai to buy pineapple pizza because he wanted to try new things (“if you like them, I might too, maybe… don’t look at me like that, just order it before I backtrack!”).
Then he feels Beomgyu’s arm surrounding him in a side hug, his touch burning through the fabric of Kai’s shirt, lighting up Kai’s feelings like candles with every inch his fingers trail across his shoulders. Beomgyu’s hand offers a squeeze on his shoulder before asking, “are you really okay, Kai?”
“I’m fine, just been a bit tired… college, programming, y’know the usual,” his voice falters while talking and it almost sounds like a lie, even for himself.
It isn’t a lie, he’s just leaving the details out. Most of Kai’s nights consist of staring at the screen of his laptop trying to finish codes, and while a part of his brain is trying to make no mistakes so he doesn’t have to go through 500 lines of 12-point Courier millions of times, another part is thinking about the sore pain in his chest whenever he sees Beomgyu, or hears him, or slightly touches him. He laughs about it often, he worries other times, and he roams the feeling more often than he’d like.
“Do you want to do something else?” Beomgyu stares at Kai intently, carefully seeking for something on his face, Kai doesn’t know what it is but he thinks he hasn’t seen this stare since the ninth grade when he offered to accompany him home, “We can sleep for a while.”
Whether it is the way Beomgyu talks, lowly, softly, unhurriedly like he’s savoring the words, or the way he stares at Kai, deeply, carefully, lovingly, or simply the way he fixes his bangs with a single finger while licking his lips, Kai lets himself be lured into it. He nods.
And it’s been a long time since they’ve done this: heading to bed with purpose, with the only sound of their sandals being dragged across the floor, walking one behind the other.
The first time was a day after high school in Beomgyu’s bedroom. Beomgyu passed out while they played video games, and unable to wake him up, Kai fell asleep beside him. When they woke up, while bickering about who had led the other to inevitable sleepiness, they found out about Beomgyu’s safety blanket and Kai’s love for having someone beside him to sleep.
The last time, Beomgyu fell asleep in Kai’s arms after crying over his first breakup, three years ago.
•
He should confess now that both are lying on the bed with their hands on their chests and their eyes on the ceiling. But the lights are off and it’s been so long since they’ve been in this position that it feels awkward. There are times Kai thinks Beomgyu is a stranger, and then he repeats to himself: he can’t be a stranger, he is your best friend. This is what time apart does to some people, because there are more centimeters separating them than Kai is comfortable with, yet he doesn’t wish for them to get closer. Tug-of-war kind of dilemma.
He’s going to break if Beomgyu gets closer, but he knows Beomgyu will pick him back up anyway.
It’s fine to break around Beomgyu.
This is why Kai would rather trust his heart to the person who has cared for him for years, the one who makes him feel safe to be broken around, the one who will make sure to handle his feelings softly if he knows about them, because Beomgyu will weave the threads of Kai’s heart in pretty shapes and keep them in a warm embrace, because Kai knows he is safe as long as Beomgyu is the one. This is a universal truth Kai has never been able to ignore:
It’s fine, because it’s Beomgyu.
They stare at the ceiling like a movie is playing, Kai can almost hear the walls whispering, making the littlest space for the sound of drizzle falling outside. However, Kai has no intent in filling the void inside the room because the sound of his heart crushing his lungs and hitting his ribcage is enough for his ears.
It’s just Beomgyu hyung. He repeats.
But he should do something about his aching heart or it’s never going to stop. If he wants it to stop, he should start talking.
Hyung…
He inhales sharply.
There’s something I need to say…
His mouth opens.
“Sorry.”
Kai’s head turns at Beomgyu’s mumble. He can see Beomgyu’s chest deflating slowly, like letting out the words lifts a weight he’s been carrying for too long, one that waited for release.
“Sorry,” Beomgyu repeats with the certainty that the first time lacked.
As cliché as it sounds, Kai knows what Beomgyu means even if he doesn’t explain it further. Because Beomgyu’s eyes speak on their own the moment they lay on Kai’s.
This has something to do with the times Beomgyu chose his ex-boyfriends over Kai and the things they had built together throughout the years. A bunch of little moments that helped him get over Beomgyu for a while. Moments like being left alone during his first year of college, and canceled invitations to lunch that ended up in him eating alone until he met Taehyun, and consequently, Soobin and Yeonjun.
“It’s fine,” the words come out so soft they barely shush the silence in the room. But Kai means it.
Kai understood Beomgyu then and he still does it now. It’s fine because the hurt also made him think he had finally gotten over the stupid teenage crush he had on his best friend, that one he swore to god was going to haunt him until death. He even started dating as a normal person would. So it’s fine.
A sigh comes with parting eyes, “you need to let me apologize properly, Kai-yah. It’s not fine if the reasons weren’t valid.”
“They are valid. Until today. It’s valid if you wanted it to be that way.”
“You don’t even know why I did it…” The words fly to the ceiling. Beomgyu says what he wants to say while looking at it, then the words hit it, and they flow back to Kai. Kai wishes it stays that way, with Beomgyu not looking at him, not even through the corner of his eye. Kai wishes for this so much, so he doesn’t look just in case Beomgyu is the one looking, because otherwise, he would forget every bit of composure he still has, and his feelings would roam freely across the room accusing him of everything that happened during those years. “I shouldn’t have done it. It’s my fault that we barely talked to each other.”
“Our friendship has never been about how much we talk or not, hyung. We can sleep here and that’s enough for me. Eating with you, walking with you, laughing with you, they are all enough for me,” Kai utters, he talks with every heartbeat thumping in his throat, “I was dating someone as well so… it’s fine.”
It’s fine because it helped him ease his own worries, because he came to accept that it was normal. That he too would cancel his plans with Beomgyu if he had other people to meet up with. He coerced himself into that idea even if for him Beomgyu came before anyone else.
Beomgyu nods slowly then, preparing to say something more, but Kai doesn’t want him to keep talking about it if he is going to continue blaming himself. “Did I tell you she didn’t like bbangya taking up half the space in bed?” Kai snorts at the memory of his ex pointing at the huge bread shaped plush mid-kissing session, and mumbling: will you ever get rid of that thing? And he would nod with enthusiasm just to continue kissing. Yeah, he wasn’t going to get rid of it. “That’s why we broke up.”
“You probably told her you’d get rid of it and never did…” Kai gasps dramatically, “she should’ve known you never would, though. And she deserved that break up, we all should love bbangya.”
“Making out wasn’t fun for her if my bed looked like this,” Kai points at the many plushies lined against the wall and his answer isn’t completely dishonest, he supposes half-truths help maintain certain decency to him, especially if Beomgyu doesn’t ask further. Like the fact that she was the one who broke up with him because she had found someone who wasn’t half a man like him, whatever the fuck she meant.
“You have a knack for dating edgy people,” Beomgyu huffs out a laugh. He collects his limbs together near his chest as he turns to look at Kai, and Kai can feel Beomgyu’s eyes roaming his face, walking slowly all over it. He is finally getting the forever expected, and undeniably dreaded look, but he stares at the ceiling still, physically unable to turn, holding his own body hostage.
“I haven’t dated that much though.”
Beomgyu giggles, covering his face, “but you always told me when you liked someone and they all were sketchy! Very gorgeous but mean-looking people. Like they would kick your ass for telling them you play LOL and watch anime in your free time.”
Kai’s smile grows as Beomgyu talks, “you literally taught me to play LOL! Plus, you too used to look like you would kick my ass at any given time before we became friends.”
“I would still kick your ass!”
“Yeah, you still look like you would.” I guess that’s why I still like you.
Beomgyu lets out a chuffed huff that quickly fades into quietness.
The silence creeps inside Kai’s mind calling for him, it whispers you've been found out and for a moment Kai thinks Beomgyu caught on to that bit of information and he’s okay holding it. For a moment, Kai senses Beomgyu’s hand hovering over his and hopes the feeling isn’t just a wisp of air coming from the window, and when the feeling fades, he thinks Beomgyu will push him away.
Damn, this fucking feels like coming out.
“You haven’t dated since Hansol…” Kai blurts out to quiet the thoughts, and it’s stupid that this is the first thing in his head because he knows it hurt Beomgyu, but he can’t help it.
“Took me a year to get myself together after that one, now we’re here,” Beomgyu’s voice walks out so softly and a little broken that makes Kai feel sorry, but he can’t bring himself to ask for forgiveness. Beomgyu inhales deeply, “we used to fight a lot. About everything, actually. If the sky was blue, why was it blue? If I planned a date, why that place? If I had to call someone, why always you? Alway you—An asshole with every letter of the word.”
“I only remember you telling me he didn’t want to accompany you anywhere, and later you had some aaaawful drunk ramblings about how good of a kisser he was.”
Beomgyu closes his eyes, mockingly savoring a memory, “he was really good…”
“Ew! Don’t say that in front of me ever again,” Kai’s face retorts, squeezing in itself at the look of a delighted Beomgyu. Meanwhile, Beomgyu laughs low, and his eyes wrinkle on the sides out of satisfaction.
I missed you, Kai thinks when he is engulfed by the sound of their laughter and his eyes inevitably set on Beomgyu’s smile. It makes his heart skip a beat, so he hopes his eyes don’t betray him by showing how much he enjoys seeing it again. He greets it with a smile of his own, like old friends.
Kai’s smile fades as Beomgyu grows quiet. This is how he notices Beomgyu is looking at him intently, like he could touch him with nothing but his stare, and he could cradle him in the half-moons of his eyes every night. Kai would like that, and he could be reading too much into it, he could be the only one who feels the air weighing on him and his heart roaring inside his ears.
Beomgyu opens his mouth with a smile, “I missed you,” he heaves.
“I’m a good listener, of course you did.”
The heaviness dissipates just like that, now there is a pouty smile and a set of vengeful eyes directed at Kai. A slap on the chest next. “Yah! You have to say you missed me too!”
“Too early for that, hyung!” Kai giggles awkwardly, and it’s this feeling of inadequacy that comes with Beomgyu’s sincerity, along with his own inability of handling moments like these, that make him lose control without noticing, “alright, why did you break up with Hansol?”
Beomgyu rolls his eyes tentatively (maybe at him, maybe at the memory), and a big huff is followed by many smaller ones that turn into airy laughter, “the question should be why he dated me… I don’t think he even liked me.”
“There’s no reason to not like you.”
Kai is on autopilot. He can feel his hands trying to grip the steering wheel back, control what he says, stop himself from turning his entire body to lie on his side and face Beomgyu, stop himself from looking into Beomgyu’s eyes, but the isn’t able to because the car is about to fall from a cliff the moment he gets a hold of the brakes.
“You think so?”
Kai lets gravity do its job.
“I know so.”
There’s no turning back, and Kai hopes he isn’t reading it wrong this time. That right now the way Beomgyu is looking at him means something, that Beomgyu sliding closer and pressing his forehead on Kai’s means he feels the same, that Beomgyu staring at his lips means they are thinking the same.
“Kai-yah.”
“Hm?”
He falls into it.
“I love you.”
Kai’s heartbeat stops for a second, he melts to the touch of Beomgyu’s hand on his cheek, to the feeling of their noses bumping, to the warmth of Beomgyu’s breath inching closer. He can feel the heat of their breaths burning up the centimeters between them, caressing their lips softly and drawing them closer, and it’s painfully rewarding to hear Beomgyu’s heart so clear, beating so fast.
“You’re talking like the men in the movies, y’know? Like you mean it. I almost believed it,” Kai whispers so close to Beomgyu’s mouth their lips brush.
Beomgyu whispers back, this time into Kai’s mouth as he closes the remaining distance between them, “I mean it.”
They kiss. It’s slow and awkward at first, not like a greeting from two strangers but like one from two people who are allowing themselves to know each other again, lips moving cautiously. It’s tender, like their hands caressing each other’s cheeks, lips carefully slotting together, finding a space where they fit in the other. It’s warm, as their skin so close they don’t feel the chill air of a night after rain, lips that recognize each other like this wasn’t the first time they touch.
At some point, Kai feels Beomgyu’s body hover over him, straddling Kai’s own and keeping himself up on his forearms but not away from Kai’s mouth. Then, he feels Beomgyu’s hands firmly holding the collar of his shirt and pressing him closer, seeking more of him, “I love you,” Beomgyu mutters between a kiss as he starts guiding Kai up with the promise of his lips, until he’s sitting on his lap. Kai simply places a hand on Beomgyu’s back to keep him safe, and Beomgyu rests his hands on Kai’s neck, moving his face apart before he whispers, “I love you like the people in the movies love each other, Kai,” and this time Beomgyu’s eyes don’t focus on a screen, they don’t look at the ceiling, they wander Kai’s face carefully, and this time the words don’t float around aimlessly without a direction, this time the words are meant for Kai. “I know it took me too long, I’m—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Kai blurts out. His free hand goes up covering his eyes, rubbing his face.
Beomgyu just confessed to him. In this fucking lifetime. Kai giggles with his eyes pressed shut and he hopes Beomgyu doesn’t run out scared but Kai can’t contain the amount of unhinged adrenaline injected by happiness running through his blood right now.
Choi Beomgyu just confessed to him. Choi Beomgyu whom Kai has liked since he was sixteen. Choi Beomgyu, his best friend.
“Can you stop f-freaking laughing and say something to me?” Beomgyu hisses light-heartedly, anxiously also, nudging down Kai’s hands with one of his own.
Kai’s eyes peek between his fingers as he allows Beomgyu to move his hand down just to hold it. He can feel Beomgyu’s thumb softly brushing in his palm, seeking for reassurance, and Kai closes his hand in it. “You are right on time, hyung,” Beomgyu grins, “you always are on time for me.”
This is true to Kai, because somehow in the grand scheme of the universe, Beomgyu has always been around to save him, since the first time they met. It all boils down, again, to this incident: to Kai internally shaking in front of the piano because he forgot the next notes to play, so before he embarrassed himself in front of his then crush, Beomgyu appeared slapping his hands on the keyboard. It was life-saving. Or when Kai was sitting with his stomach revolting in itself because he had to go home on his own and that day Beomgyu came to him god-sent, gave him some gummies, some giggles, and company. Or that morning at hell hours when his ex-girlfriend was knocking on his door begging for another chance and Kai told her he was seeing someone already, that same morning Beomgyu called in despair asking him to fake date at the perfect time so she could hear Kai saying ‘Yes, I will date you, hyung’.
Beomgyu was on time to save Kai for every other nerve-wracking moment in his life, like this one.
“Hyung, I don’t want you to feel sorry, ever, not when it comes to me… and you’d be late if I didn’t like you anymore but honestly, I don’t think that will ever happen, because you are my best friend, and because I have loved you for so long I think it’s become part of me, because your print in my life is so big that you’re there even when you’re not by my side. Because I can’t stop thinking about you even if you are by my side. You’re everywhere in me, and you’re right on time.”
Kai caresses Beomgyu’s cheek, but Beomgyu stares at him expectantly, eyes wide and full of so much love, Kai can feel it exploding in the room, “If you don’t kiss me right the fuck now…” he chuckles, grabbing Kai’s face between his hands playfully.
“Am I just an object to you!? I just poured my soul in front of you,” Beomgyu coos with a pout. Needy, Kai thinks, also awfully cute, he grins, “I love you too.”
While Kai is a ‘take your time with it, drink in the view’ kind of guy, everyone knows Beomgyu is a ‘do it now, we’ll enjoy the ride’ one, so Kai isn’t taken aback when Beomgyu kisses him again, wrapping his arms behind Kai’s neck, keeping him in place, holding him closer. Kai holds Beomgyu from the waist, his hands are placed on him like he’s afraid of breaking him, of losing control or going too far, of trespassing Beomgyu’s boundaries despite Beomgyu using Kai’s hair like a plaything, like he’s been waiting for this moment.
It hits mid-kiss, Kai separates so quickly it sounds like a squawk, “oh my god. Is this why you kept repeating I love you while we watched movies?”
Beomgyu nods nonchalantly, proudly even, “All the I love you’s,” he starts, leaving a kiss on Kai’s lips, “I wanted to say to you,” a kiss above on his nose, “but was too afraid to say,” and the last is left under Kai’s eyebrow.
“Why were you afraid? I always love you, hyung, no matter what, you know that.”
“I thought maybe you didn’t like me anymore after all—I thought I was going to ruin everything,” Beomgyu’s expression quickly shifts and he snuggles his face in the crook of Kai’s neck.
“But you wouldn’t let that happen,” Kai lifts a hand to pat Beomgyu’s head, brushing it softly, “you don’t just give up, I like that about you.”
“I chose to not even give it a chance to happen. Even back then when you sent the letter I chose to give it up… but I didn’t want to give you up anymore.”
“So you knew about the letter, right?” Beomgyu nods slowly, moving apart from Kai’s neck while confusion takes over his face because Kai talks like he knew, “You never mentioned it… You told me about every letter you got on Valentine but that one. And I thought maybe you hadn’t read it but I saw it in your backpack that day after school.”
“What if that was a special letter for me and I didn’t want to share it with you?” Beomgyu smiles playfully while Kai’s face retorts at the cringy memory of him stealing various heart stickers from his younger sister that same morning to stamp them all over the letter.
“It was cheesy…”
“It was cute!! I think every cell in my body likes you,” Beomgyu mocks with a thick voice, “that was something for sure. And you worked hard on your handwriting. I still have it under my bed in a cardboard box.”
“I didn’t think you’d recognize my handwriting…”
Beomgyu hides his face in the crook of Kai’s neck once again, he nuzzles against it like a cat, and, once Kai has embraced him again, he mumbles, “dummy. You are all over it. The corners were rugged, the strokes were pretty big and wide and you drew a bunch of stars like the ones you put on my notebook when you got too tired of listening to the teacher, the exact same.”
Kai mentally slaps his forehead while he chuckles out of shame, “to be fair, I was sixteen. But let me make it right, like you didn’t eat my lips just now.”
“And I haven’t shown you my best kisses yet.”
“Please… just, do it later,” Kai chortles, cupping Beomgyu’s face in his hands, then helping him stand from his lap. “Don’t move,” he says as he rushes a hand to his nightstand, pulling out the rose he’s been saving the whole day. Some petals have wilted now, but Kai thinks it looks pretty anyway. He holds it up, balancing the stem between his fingers.
“Woah, what’s this?” Beomgyu pushes his arm softly, while his hand other rests cups his mouth, “you’re so cheesy. Did you prepare a world ending too? Are robots fighting outside your house or something? Do we have to go out running?”
Beomgyu runs to the window and looks outside dramatically, but he’s only greeted by the night. Kai doesn’t move though, he stays still in the middle of the room, smiling widely, completely endeared and smitten as he sees Beomgyu move around with over-the-top mannerisms and theatrical acts.
“Not the most romantic romance-movies-hater on earth saying this. Just… let me do this right.”
Beomgyu huffs out a laugh, and he rolls his eyes. “Fine, let’s see what you come up with.”
“Literally planned this but OK,” Kai pouts, and Beomgyu’s smile grows bigger when he notices Kai lifting the rose in front of him while kneeling on one knee, I’m not getting married until thirty, alright? Beomgyu mouths and Kai knows, they’ve talked about this before, it doesn’t matter. Actually, Kai plans on never marrying but he might do it for Beomgyu, at twenty-seven or tomorrow even, if Beomgyu suddenly wants to. Then they could get the golden retriever Beomgyu always says he wants to raise and they can live forever happily after. But that’s a talk for later. “hyung…” Kai starts, and there’s probably helium in his voice because Beomgyu can’t stop laughing, and Kai’s one is faltering with giggles, “hyung, I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time and I will probably keep on liking you for longer. Maybe until robots knock on our doors trying to get rid of us or aliens reveal their plans on conquering us, or maybe cars go wild and get arms or something dramatic and stupid like that, so… would you like to see how close to the end of the world you can get… with me?”
“You’re horrible at this,” Beomgyu holds the rose and he kneels in front of Kai, looking at him with eyes full of fondness, “I love you, Kai,” he whispers, brushing their noses.
“I’ve always loved you,” Kai kisses him, “I always will.”
Kai can’t really offer a movie-esque romance, but he can offer this, them basking in the warm lights of the street that sneak through his window, them sitting on the floor kissing with the sound of rain as the background music, and with the end shot of a rose forgotten on the side.
Kai can offer to love Beomgyu until the end of the world (if they don’t die first) in the style of romantic movies: devotedly and completely, for a long time, even after the screen turns black and the credits start rolling.
Then, it makes sense again that Beomgyu has the horrendous ability to drive Kai insane to the point of kneeling down with a rose in hand and marriage in mind, making him think about a future together in which they raise five puppies together. This is the lightest outcome Beomgyu’s ability can get, yet the best he can think of.
But the truth is, Kai allows Beomgyu to drive him insane for the thrill of it, and because it makes Beomgyu happy.