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The girl she loves is crumbling like a sandcastle and Brittany can't find the words to say that she'll be the waves washing over Santana as long as she needs. It's hard to love a girl who's always feared the world almost as much as she fears herself; it's even harder to watch those fears come true.
"I think we should ban bullying," Brittany says at a student council meeting, but everyone ignores her and goes back to talking about getting the soda machines back. Which, okay, maybe that's because she used to make fun of so many people. Maybe if she tells Rachel and Tina and Kurt and everyone else that she's sorry for the first two years of high school, maybe then everyone will listen to her. Then she swallows her guilt, because it's not herself she's fighting for. "Hey, listen up! We have to do something about the McKinley bullying situation. We should have done it last year when Kurt Hummel switched schools."
"Everyone knows, Britt," sneers Macy, the junior class treasurer. "Stop pretending like you care about some gay kid."
"But I've always liked his space clothes," Brittany says, confused.
"Just don't expect any special treatment for your special little relationship," Macy says. Everyone else at the meeting is looking anywhere but at them, although one girl flinches. No one says anything else.
Brittany presses her lips together. Earlier in the year, Macy said she loved her girl power campaign. So did a lot of people. It's weird that girl power isn't helping her in this case, but maybe other people have the wrong definition of "girl."
Santana's waiting for her after the meeting because they both have glee practice. Santana's eyeliner is smudged and she must have been crying in the bathroom again. Brittany wraps her pinkie around Santana's, then goes ahead and takes her whole hand when Santana shudders with a repressed sob. "You're the bravest person I know," Brittany says, wishing she could kiss Santana right now. Everything she wants to do to show Santana she loves her is things that Santana only wants to do in private. Brittany slides her other hand into her pockets to check that no one's sewed stones in them or something.
"I don't want to be brave," Santana says, but she keeps it together as they walk to glee, even if her hand is clenched so tightly around Brittany's that it hurts.
Once they walk into the room, though, it's like some of the stones have fallen out of her pockets, and Santana's, too. They still have to see Finn every day and Mr. Schue is probably the dumbest person Brittany has ever met, but they have friends in here, friends who know every piece of them, even the pieces that are breaking. It's a place where Brittany feels like dancing, even now.
It gives her an idea.
"Rachel, do you have a tired love song on your iPod?" Brittany asks, because all the songs on hers are fast or by Stevie Nicks, and those songs are private.
Rachel's face goes all soft and she says, "Of course." Quieter: "I'm so sorry about Finn."
Santana says, "Fuck off, Berry," but Brittany squeezes her hand. Finn deserves all the yelling in the world, but they deserve a break from all the pain and anger.
"This week sucked. I declare a slow dance break," Brittany says as Rachel cues up the music. Something soft and slow starts, and it sounds like watching the last few rays of sunlight before a winter night sets in. "So dance with your friends or your girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever."
Kurt and Blaine are already on their feet, with Mike and Tina not far behind. Brittany closes her eyes for a second, finding the heartbeat of the song, and starts swaying next to Santana. She wants to dance with her so badly, wants to tell her that there's a space where she's always safe, but this is Santana's choice. Santana is rigid next to her except for her hand, which is shaking.
The singer has just finished the first verse when Quinn stands up, wearing that fierce expression she gets whenever anyone talks about Beth, chin pointed up and eyes glittering with tears. "I love this song. May I have this dance, Mercedes?"
Mercedes looks surprised, but she's smiling. "I thought you'd never ask."
Just like that, something inside Santana seems to break, but a good kind of broken, like a chain snapping. "I guess the hottest bitches in here can slow dance," Santana says shakily, and wraps the hand not holding Brittany's around Brittany's waist.
This dance isn't about anything fancy, so Brittany just pulls Santana into the circle of her arms, resting her cheek on Santana's forehead. Her hair smells so good, even though her heart is broken. It doesn't seem fair--that Santana's heart is broken, not that she still smells like home. Your heart shouldn't be broken when the person who you love loves you back.
"I love you," she says, just in case Santana's forgotten.
"Love you too," Santana whispers, and then they just breathe in time to the music.
The song is perfect, because music is what Rachel does best--what was that word from English class, melancholy. Blaine has his head on Kurt's shoulder. Mike shoots Brittany a sad smile over Tina's head. They went out a few times, but Mike told her that he felt like he was with someone else's girlfriend the whole time. He's good at reading what people say with their bodies.
Even the members of glee club who aren't dancing with anyone in particular are up by now, swaying to the music, or waving a lighter in Puck's case. She and Santana have the weirdest friends ever, and this is the saddest dancing she's ever done, but it's like everyone here is Brittany's partner, is holding her up so she can hold Santana.
As the last chorus swells, Brittany breathes in, and she's in that place where she is the song, the center where body meets sound meets breath. This is the place where no one can touch her, and Santana's here with her, with the rest of their friends just a few beats away.
"Okay," Santana says, as the last notes of the song fade away. She wraps her arms around Brittany a little tighter and sighs. "Okay."
"Okay," Brittany agrees.