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Tatsumi took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Staring back at himself in the mirror, he grimaced. His eyes were puffy and red, his cheeks wet and his hair sticking to his face with sweat. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he turned on the faucet and scooped cold water into his hands to splash in his face.
Tatsumi wasn’t a weak man. He held his head up high and extended his kindness to those around him no matter how much he suffered when he was alone. Others found it quite easy to lean on him and find comfort in his stability and sympathy. He was what so many others had looked up to.
And he cursed himself for it.
He knew it was no sin to fall apart nor was it wrong to cry and feel weak, however, with the eyes of so many of his peers on him at all times, he couldn’t help but feel like fate didn’t allow it. He didn’t allow it. Every time he had a moment where he felt vulnerable and on the edge he pushed it down or excused himself to regain his composure and keep up his act. He knew he wasn’t perfect. He was flawed in every sense, but if others found comfort in him, he found it unfair to falter even just slightly. To him, he had to be the support others needed. He had to be the one others could trust and go to. Heaven forbid he ever showed weakness in front of those who relied on him most.
Had he been anyone else, he would have encouraged the tears that threatened to flow. He would have reassured that there was no fault in coming undone. It was a sign of being human to feel overwhelmed.
But he wasn’t anyone else. He was Tatsumi Kazehaya. He was guilty of countless sins and the destruction of lives he cared for. He had no right to cry and feel pain for things he did himself. It never mattered how much he begged for forgiveness, for his actions had already impacted the lives of people he loved. His confessions and guilt would go ignored by God and he knew he couldn’t repent. He had tried to. Even now, a year after the incident, he would be punished for his actions regularly. Burdening Alkaloid during performances and practices with his injured leg. Making Mayoi take his pain into consideration when planning out choreography. Causing Aira and Hiiro to worry whenever his step faltered ever so slightly.
It never mattered how many pleas he made. He was always guilty of holding back those around him.
The cold water felt nice on his face and helped him come to his senses. He didn’t remember what sparked this moment of weakness. One moment he was brushing his teeth before bed and the next he was shaking and holding back sobs. He had no right to cry in such a way, he thought. All the pain and anguish he felt was no one's fault but his own.
Regaining his composure, he dried his face and looked at himself once more. His eyes were still red and puffy, but it looked more like he was tired. He opened the door and left the bathroom, finding himself alone in his dorm. Undead had a late night performance so of course Tatsumi was alone. It didn’t bother him much. If anything he was grateful that he didn’t have to make up an excuse for his time in the bathroom.
Exhausted, Tatsumi went ahead with his nightly prayer and got in bed to sleep, pushing away the thoughts that threatened his peace.
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Sitting up in a cold sweat, Tatsumi struggled to breathe. He felt tears streaming down his face and every part of his body was aching. He must have had a nightmare, but almost immediately after waking up it had escaped him. The only things that lingered were the sheets wrapped around his legs and the suffocating guilt that settled in his chest.
He stumbled out of bed and put on his shoes. He didn’t care how late it was, he needed to go outside. He needed the feeling of cold air in his lungs. He was thankful that it was so late; most of the idols had gone to bed or at least stayed in their rooms. No one would see the state Tatsumi was in as he rushed down the halls and made his way into the garden.
He was sure he looked like a mess, but the fresh air that the night had offered felt like heaven. His breathing was uneven and his body trembled, but his lungs felt so refreshed. The tears never stopped nor did the aching and Tatsumi was thanking God that this had occurred while everyone was asleep so no one could see him fall apart.
“T… Tatsumi-san…?”
Maybe he thanked Him too soon.
Eyes wide, Tatsumi slowly turned his head to face the man that called out to him. Mayoi was out of breath and shaking in the night’s cold environment. “Mayoi-san, it’s late. You’ll get a cold–”
“Then what about you?” Mayoi never interrupted Tatsumi so it came as a surprise when the meek young man swiftly cut him off. Averting his gaze, Tatsumi smiled weakly and brought up a hand to wipe away his stray tears.
“I just needed some fresh air. That’s all.” It wasn’t a complete lie. He didn’t want to be seen in such a state, but it was already too late. All he could do now was focus on damage control. “I couldn’t sleep so I came out to check on the flowers.”
Mayoi began chewing on his bottom lip and took a step closer. “I’m… I’m sorry, Tatsumi-san…” He closed his eyes and continued. “I… I was in the vents because I couldn’t get any sleep… It’s disgusting and creepy I know! I’m so sorry… But… I saw you wake up… I saw you run out of your dorm and… I was worried… I’m sorry! I know I’m just a freak and I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy like that! I was really just passing by when I heard your crying! I’m so sorrryyyy…”
Tatsumi’s heart sank, but he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t be. Mayoi had done no wrong and he couldn’t be upset with him. He was only upset with himself. His moment of weakness was on display for his Mayoi to see. He was sure this was another punishment of his. He fully turned towards Mayoi and swallowed.
“Don’t apologize to me, Mayoi-san. You committed no sin and I am not upset about your habits.” His smile dropped and he sighed. “I should be the one apologizing. You shouldn’t have had to see me in such a state; let alone come out in the cold to look for me. I’m okay so you’re free to make your way back to your dorm and rest.”
He didn’t know when he started shaking so much or when his teeth started chattering. It took Mayoi nervously reaching out and taking one of his hands to notice how cold it had gotten. Taken aback by the younger man’s sudden action, Tatsumi looked at him wide eyed. “C… come inside w-with me then… You’re freezing, Tatsumi-san…”
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Closing the door behind them, Tatsumi allowed Mayoi into his dorm. Mayoi was insistent on sticking around until Tatsumi went back to sleep. Tatsumi sat on one end of his bed and patted the spot next to him, looking at Mayoi. The purple haired man whimpered and hesitantly sat next to him, just a bit farther than what Tatsumi suggested. They sat in silence for a while, unsure of what to even say. Tatsumi had calmed down and Mayoi just seemed extremely nervous.
“You… you always listen to others…” Mayoi broke the silence, looking at his hands in his lap. “I.. I would like it if you could… Um… confide in someone as well…” Tatsumi inhaled and shifted his eyes to look at Mayoi. He looked up at him in worry, lip red from chewing on it and eyes filled with concern. “I-I’m sorry if it is a large request! I just… Um… If something is bothering you, you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.”
Tatsumi hummed and considered his options for a moment. He could lie, tell Mayoi he would be alright and the only issue was his leg acting up, leaving this night behind them. Or, he could be honest and voice the concerns that had been eating away at him for years now. He never wanted to bother those around him, but he felt that it would be even more disrespectful to lie to the man he cared so much about.
“Mayoi-san, when you heard me cry, did you view me any differently?” He turned his head towards Mayoi who’s eyes widened.
“Of course not!” His brows furrowed and Tatsumi couldn’t help but find it a bit sweet. “Seeing you vulnerable like that… It felt like a once in a lifetime thing! I felt guilty for seeing you like that… Realizing I wanted to see you like that more often… Then it struck me… It shouldn’t be a once in a lifetime thing…!” He sat up and leaned closer to Tatsumi. “ You… You’re human too… You always tell us to cry away our sorrow and open up when it becomes too much, but, Tatsumi-san… How often do you do that?”
Turning his head away, Tatsumi let out a forced chuckle. “Not often. I guess that makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it?” He sighed and turned back to Mayoi. “I just don’t see my problems as anything worthy of discussion. I would hate to burden anyone with this.”
“You won’t be burdening anyone.” Mayoi’s voice was stern and certain as opposed to its usual unsteady and nervous nature. “You’ve helped so many of us in our times of need and you’ve been there no matter what. Even when you seem exhausted, you always offer us your smile and your comfort. We all want to be there for you too.” He shifted himself closer to Tatsumi. “I… I don’t know what might be bothering you and I cannot promise you I will understand, but I want to help you too, Tatsumi.”
He was a bit shocked by the boldness of Mayoi’s words and looked at him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fully open up over the course of one night; it just wasn’t possible. Part of him even worried that if he opened up it would drive Mayoi away somehow. Worried that this image Tatsumi had created of himself would fall apart before Mayoi’s very eyes. Regardless of his worries, Tatsumi smiled warmly. “Thank you, Mayoi-san. Your words have definitely opened my eyes and I will take them to heart.”
“Then… Do you promise to reach out?” Mayoi’s voice was softer and Tatsumi noticed his eyes widened immediately after. “A-at least… um… promise to try, I mean! I’m sorry!” Tatsumi laughed and tilted his head.
“I promise to try, Mayoi-san. You have my word, my heart, and my soul.” He was sure he would have been able to keep his feelings to himself his whole life, but something about Mayoi’s concern was persuasive. “I’m sorry for having worried you more than I should have tonight. The next time I feel bothered by my thoughts, I will let you know, okay?” Mayoi smiled widely and nodded in response.
Tatsumi felt much better having spoken to Mayoi, but now the night was catching up to him. He yawned and carefully but swiftly tugged Mayoi into an embrace and leaned back to lie down on his bed. Mayoi yelped in surprise, but Tatsumi only hummed. “It’s quite late. I’m feeling a little better now, but… Ah, am I allowed to selfishly ask you to accompany me in my dreams, Mayoi-san?”
The other man proceeded to splutter and fumble over his words, but Tatsumi couldn’t help but close his eyes and hum some more. He had to admit that all his emotions and the night’s events left him exhausted, but he was more than willing to wait for Mayoi to collect himself. It only took a few minutes until Tatsumi felt him relax in his arms and slowly nod. Smile growing wider, he shifted a bit so their positions were a bit more comfortable and he pulled the blanket over the both of them.
Tatsumi knew his issues couldn’t be fixed so easily. He knew they’d come back to haunt him and ruin him, but he couldn’t act as though Mayoi didn’t have a point. While he never wanted to be more of a bother to those in his life, he knew that he couldn’t be there for them if he tore himself down via neglect. It would be a slow process to properly voice his troubles and let himself falter, however, with people like Mayoi in his life, Tatsumi regained just a bit of faith in himself. He had them to help him get through it and he knew better than to ignore blessings.
“Thank you, Mayoi. Goodnight.” He said, voice barely above a whisper, before giving in to lassitude and drifting off to sleep.