Work Text:
--
There’s no real way to sugarcoat this.
Sasaki was sneaking out of his apartment.
Something like this was normal for people these days, especially people their age. At least, that was his slightly skewed reasoning for this. But this didn't stop the negative feelings bubbling up inside, twisting and forming a tight knot in his stomach. He should at least tell his roommate, Ogasawara, or Hirano, even his sister, about where he was going. College classes didn't matter to him. Not as much as this. Maybe it should've been his first thought, instead of friends and family.
How did he even get here, anyway? This was crazy. He was crazy. But it was already 2 in the morning, and he was already halfway through packing the small suitcase.
He really should tell somebody. Something could happen and they could get worried. He would hate to do that to the people he cared about. But at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to say anything, or see their worried expressions, blending together in ways that made him nauseous to even think about.
Because Sasaki Shuumei has had enough of their pity, even if they were well-meaning.
He finished packing his bags quickly after the thought, not wanting to suddenly regret this decision. Because hesitating could end in a long talk, and concerned well-meaning words.
Because hesitating could change his mind.
--
There was a sharp pain in Sasaki’s abdomen. He couldn’t quite make out why. It seemed like he had been injured, but why, his brain couldn’t remember. Everything around him was faded, but the pain was still strong. A bell rang out, signifying lunch ending.
A familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. “Sasaki-senpai? Are you okay?”
Sasaki turned his head towards the voice and saw Miyano, a pleasant surprise.
“Mya-chan? Uh, don't worry! I'm fine, just a little bruised. Keep this a secret from Hirano, kay?"
The words came out of his mouth before he could process them.
"Um.. Okay then."
Miyano left Sasaki alone for a moment. He returned suddenly, although the redhead wasn't sure how much time had passed.
“Uh, here!"
A band-aid was handed to him, and he felt warmth spread from where he held it.
"Did you go all the way to the nurse for this?"
"A classmate had one. Class is starting soon, so I've got to go. Make sure you go to the nurse later though, okay?"
The gentle warmth evolved into laughter.
"Oh god, Mya-chan, you're so cute! Wanna go out sometime?"
"What? No."
--
The train ride was long and boring. He couldn’t tell where his consciousness began and ended, or where the short spurts of sleep were interrupted by nightmares.
He clung to his bag tightly and fiddled with the zipper for a few minutes. At this hour, the train was almost empty, with a few passengers that shared their destination fast asleep.
He hated this stuffy place. It was so lonely, and cold. It wasn't the same as the place that had brought Sasaki and Miyano together on occasion, during their high school years. It wasn’t the calm train ride, where they talked about silly things that didn’t really mean anything in the end, but were so, so important to them. It wasn’t the same place where soft words were spoken, and so many things were learned. This wasn't where they had talked about their interests, and started trading CDs. This was different. Because the shorter person he would always ride with wasn’t there.
Because the scenery passed by so fast through the window, but it never went by fast enough.
His vision blurred slightly as he lost consciousness again.
--
It was evening, and the warm colors of the sunset filled the train car, turning everything shades of orange, yellow, and red. The soft, rhythmic sounds of the train car were calming, and the bumping from the train tracks was lulling him into sleep. He felt a weight on his shoulder suddenly, snapping him out of it.
Miyano had succumbed to sleep before him and rested his head on Sasaki's shoulder. Sasaki felt some thoughts tugging at his half-asleep mind, the main one being about his stop being next. But he couldn't bring himself to wake up the sleeping boy. A blush crept its way across his cheeks, and suddenly, he thought less about waking up Miyano and his stop. All those thoughts were replaced with warm, fluttery words. Words that he desperately wanted to say to the person he loved most. He tried to test if Miyano was really asleep.
"Mya-chan, my stop is next."
No answer.
Time was running out, and what was the harm anyway? After all, the person laying on him was asleep.
So he gathered all his courage, which, in truth, wasn't a lot.
"I like you."
Suddenly, Miyano woke up, and Sasaki realized the train had stopped. He got up and smiled at the object of his affection.
The kindest, prettiest, boy he'd ever known. His first love.
"See you next term!"
Those were the words he chose to say to Miyano Yoshikazu.
--
What was the time of day, actually? He flipped open his phone and saw it was 6 in the morning. He also saw a few notifications. From who, it didn’t matter.
He promptly closed the flip phone and opened a light novel instead. The series was one of Miyano’s favorites, and the latest installment had come out the previous week, so he bought it on impulse, but always hesitated to read it. Not that he had anything better to do at the moment anyway.
He read the same paragraph a few times, trying to focus, but to no avail. The words never really processed in his mind, blurring on the page as he tried to read it again, and again. For some reason, reading just wasn’t really working to calm his nervous mind.
Actually, this series was where the first manga he’d borrowed from Miyano came from. How long ago was that? It felt like forever, but also like it had happened only a few days before. He smiled at the familiar characters' antics, shown by the neat kanji on the page that seemed so hard to decipher to his tired mind. Even so, his chest tightened, threatening to break into a sob.
Even so, he was excited to talk to Miyano about it when he finally arrived.
--
Sasaki was walking into school, a book with a cover on it in his bag. He noticed Miyano and immediately called out to him, grinning.
"Morning, Mya-chan!"
Miyano looked up at him with a gentle smile on his face. He looked relatively pleased to see Sasaki.
"Good morning, Sasaki-Senpai."
"So, about that manga from the other day. I read it!"
"W-What did you think about it?"
He looked nervous, so much so that he stuttered. So adorable.
"Well, it kinda caught me by surprise when the two guys at the end were at the hotel-"
Miyano cut him off by putting his hands over Sasaki's mouth, with a flustered blush all over his face.
"Shush!!"
--
The train finally arrived at its destination. The low drone of the train announcement snapped him out of his stupor, promptly making him close the novel. The train was flooded with gentle sunlight and the other passengers were also slowly awakening. The environment was calming, and he gazed outside the window for the first time since the beginning of the ride. The train station was dull, and empty, aside from the advertisements on the platform. The city sign was faded, but it was definitely the right place.
He finally walked out of the stuffy train car, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.
He made his way out of the station, wandering through the rural area. There was a bus stop nearby, but he only walked further from the road. There was a grassy clearing, and his face lit up in recognition.
"Hey Mya-chan!"
Miyano would've looked up, and smiled sweetly, just like he always does, and said something akin to "Good morning, Shuumei-san."
Sasaki sat down in the grass next to Miyano.
"Myaaaaaaaa-chann, I've really missed you, you know? University has been such a painnn. I have to go on this long train ride just to see you. I wish you hadn't had to move over here, or that Uni was closer. How've you been?"
Miyano was silent.
"I got you the light novel for the detective series. Do you remember?"
He heard a soft hum.
"Yeah. The characters finally got married at the end, happily ever after."
Sasaki paused.
"Remember how in high school you'd always harrass Hirano about his roommate?"
Miyano wouldve pushed Sasaki playfully, protesting the truth.
"No, I remember. Anyways, he and his roommate are actually dating now. Its kinda scary how you predicted that, isn't it? BL senses or whatever. Hirano would get mad if you told him i was the one who told you though, so its a secret, okay?"
He smiled widely, revealing a snaggle-tooth. There was a comfortable silence, only broken by the sound of wind, and distant waves.
"I know you can't hear me. I'm just imagining your responses. I'm lying to myself. But everytime i think about it i just.."
Sasaki mumbled, voice cracking. The comfortable silence became tense.
"I should've gotten over it by now, I know. You'd be really upset to see me. At home, everyone's trying to get me distracted. My older sister's tried to set me up with some girls, the guys have been trying to get me out of the house and stuff, every day i've been trying harder to be better, they've been encouraging me not to see you because it's bad for me-"
His voice wavered, false cheer draining. His vision was blurry with tears that threatened to flow down his cheeks.
"I can't not see you. Because.."
The rambling slowed down into silence once more.
"This is really cheesy sounding, but, i can't live in a world without you and be 'fine' again. Yoshikazu.. I don't even want to feel better."
"I still love you." was left unsaid.
He laid there beside where his beloved was buried, and didn't recieve an answer.
Sasaki laid there for hours, crying tears that hadn't been shed.
Because Sasaki isn't Sasaki without Miyano.
--