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“We’re already late, we might as well stay out longer.” Seungkwan argues. He’s pouting, his round face making it ten times more effective.
Chan digs his feet into the ground beneath him on his swing to slowly move himself back and forth. Seungkwan does this every single day after school even though he’s the elder of the two and should know better.
“We need to practice.” Chan tries. He already knows he’s going to lose, he always does when it comes to Seungkwan.
“The sunset is going to be so pretty.” Seungkwan argues. “You can see it perfectly right over there.” He points straight off into the distance.
The sun is already low in the sky and Chan can’t lie, the idea of watching the sunset is tempting. He can’t remember the last time he even took a moment to look at the sky.
So he sighs and leans back in his swing, fully moving back and forth now.
Seungkwan lets out a loud laugh and joins him, knowing he’s won.
They settle into silence and the sun starts to set, turning the sky shades of pink and orange.
“Do you think we’ll actually get to debut?” Seungkwan asks.
Chan turns his head and finds Seungkwan bathed in the evening light.
It makes him look ethereal, otherworldly.
“Of course we will, we have to.” Chan says.
“What do we do if we don't?” Seungkwan sounds small, smaller than Chan has ever heard him.
“Then all thirteen of us will march over to a new company and start all over there.” Chan declares.
“All thirteen?” Seungkwan’s smiling now and it makes Chan smile even bigger.
“Of course, we all have to debut together.”
“What if another company only wants you, what then?”
“I would decline, obviously.”
“That’s so stupid. You would really turn a company down just because they didn’t want the rest of us.”
Chan frowns now. “We’re in this together now, you won’t get rid of me easily.”
Seungkwan lets out another laugh. It causes his heart to flutter.
“You won’t get rid of me that easily either.”
Seungkwan reaches his hand out in between the space between them, palm open.
Chan reaches out and intertwines their fingers.
Seungkwan’s hand is warm, it feels an awful lot like home.
“I’m glad you would turn them down.” Seungkwan says quietly.
The sun disappears below the horizon.
“We should probably get back to the dorm.” Seungkwan says with a sigh.
“let’s stay here for just a little longer.” Chan says, his cheeks rosy.
Seungkwan gives him a blinding smile and his heart starts to beat in double time.
He can’t quite place what he’s feeling, but he knows he wants to stay here and exist in this moment for a little longer.
---
It’s cold when Chan sits down on the swing set, the wind blowing so hard it’s hurting his face even though his hood is up and his mask is on.
He looks up and is relieved that the sky is still clear, showing the start of a beautiful sunset.
He needs this right now.
“Lee Chan!” A voice rings out through the quiet air. Chan internally groans.
“What on earth are you doing out here?” Seungkwan is using his kindergarten teacher voice and it makes Chan want to die.
“I’m not a little kid.” He grumbles.
“Well, you sure are acting like one.” Seungkwan argues back, his arms folded. “You can’t just leave the dorms like this without telling anyone.”
Chan doesn’t respond, just trains his eyes down at his shoes. He wants Seungkwan to go away, he’s the last person he wants to see right now.
Seungkwan must sense that Chan isn’t really in the mood to fight because he moves and sits down on the swing next to him.
“Seriously Chan,” Seungkwan says softer this time “What are you doing out here?”
Chan takes a deep breath, he’s never been good at keeping things from Seungkwan anyway.
“Do you guys really think that…..That i’m too much.”
Seungkwan frowns so hard his eyebrows bunch together. “What?”
“I mean, I'm too loud and too sentimental and just…too much to deal with all the time right?” Chan forces out. “That's what you guys meant right?”
“Chan, of course we don’t think you’re too much.” Seungkwan says. “I mean, if we thought you were too much, then I would have been kicked out of the group a long time ago.”
The thought makes Chan giggle a bit, Seungkwan smiles.
“We all love you a lot Chan, you’re just fun to tease that’s all.”
Chan feels a bit stupid now for feeling this upset about something that was so little in the scheme of things.
He prided himself on being someone strong, someone who could hold themselves together when the people around them were crumbling. He supposes he was wrong about that.
“Don’t worry so much about feeling that way.” Seungkwan says, as if he’s reading Chan’s mind. “We all have days where we feel more insecure than usual. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or anything.”
“Right…” Chan trails off, not sure if he could even voice how grateful that Seungkwan is here with him now.
Seungkwan takes Chan’s hand into his own and lifts it up to his lips, gently kissing the back.
Chan swears he feels the flush rush up his face.
“The sun is setting.” Seungkwan says. He doesn’t let go of Chan’s hand.
The shades of pink and red and orange dance across Seungkwan’s face. Chan can’t take his eyes off of him.
“Yeah, it’s pretty.” Chan says. He doesn’t drop Seungkwan’s hand either.
He comes to a realization right then and there. It makes his stomach drop and his head spin.
He wants to pull Seungkwan closer but push him as far away as he possibly can.
He’s only nineteen, but he knows this realization doesn’t have a happy ending for him, that nothing good will come from this.
He needs to bury it deep within himself, as far as he possibly can.
But for now, in this moment, he lets himself feel it. He lets himself look at Seungkwan the way he wants to look at him and thinks of love.
They sit there in silence until the sky turns dark.
They walk back to the dorm hand in hand and don’t let go, not even when a frantic Soonyoung crowds him at the door asking if he’s okay.
“I am now, don’t worry.” Chan says with a smile.
---
Chan doesn’t quite know how he ended up here. He just started walking and ended up in front of the old rusted swing sets that have become so familiar to him, reminding him of his own youth.
he sits down on one, letting himself sway whatever way the wind wants him.
The sky is a bright orange.
“I knew you’d be here.”
Chan sighs, of course Seungkwan found him right away. He’s never been able to escape him, even after all these years.
Seungkwan sits down on the swing next to him and looks up at the sky.
“Remember when we used to come here when we were in school?” Seungkwan asks, nostalgia clear in his voice.
it makes Chan want to scream.
“Why did you follow me?” he bites. Seungkwan’s unfazed, he’s used to Chan’s words having more than a little edge to them.
“Why wouldn’t I follow you?” Seungkwan says “we’re all worried about you, i’m worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Chan,” Seungkwan says, exasperated, “You just walked out of our meeting without saying anything of course we’re worried.”
Chan is quiet, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks, quiet.
“What?”
“About not planning to renew the contract….why didn’t you tell me.”
Seungkwan is quiet, which is not something easily obtained.
“I guess I thought you just knew….I thought we all knew.”
Chan knew that Seungkwan wanted freedom, to do variety shows as he pleased and to release music under his own name, but he thought it would happen in the distant future, in a time he couldn’t picture yet.
But, when the members had their meeting to discuss if they were going to renew or not, Seungkwan was the first to say he wasn’t.
The others followed suit, leaving Chan stunned in silence.
When they turned to him to hear his decision, he got up and walked out.
They jokingly called him the future of kpop, and thought that he was going to go on and do great things. That he would be just as hungry as Seungkwan to be free of a group.
The truth is, he never really thought of himself outside of Seventeen. Who was he if not with his twelve hyungs by his side?
“I wish you would have told me. I thought we told each other everything.” Chan says.
“Is that what this is about?” Seungkwan asks softly.
“I was going to renew.” Chan admits.
“Oh Chan.” Seungkwan says. Chan feels like he’s thirteen again.
His eyes well up. He doesn’t want to cry, not in front of Seungkwan.
He finally turns to look at Seungkwan who is staring right back. His face is basked in the sunlight.
He looks the same way he did when Chan first realized. It makes his heart ache even more.
‘You’re beautiful’ he wants to say ‘You were always so much better than me, maybe that’s why I got so upset.’
But the words get stuck in his throat, all he can do is stare.
“You’re going to be okay Chan, you have so much talent it won’t be hard.”
He reaches out and takes Chan’s hand into his own. “The future of kpop right?”
And the more he thinks about it, the less convinced he becomes. Seungkwan has always been the one at the front of the group, shoving his way into every inch of the industry.
Chan has just been trying his hardest to keep up, to keep Seungkwan within his line of sight.
“You won’t forget about me right?” He asks, voice a little desperate.
Seungkwan’s eyes widened, clearly thrown by Chan’s shift in discussion.
“What kind of question is that? Of course not. I don’t think we could get rid of each other if we tried.”
And Chan wants to believe that so badly, to believe that he and Seungkwan are tied so tightly together at this point that they would never be able to be untangled.
But Chan knows Seungkwan’s never been the one to tie knots like that, that he could slip out at any time he wanted, leaving Chan tangled up in his own mess of feelings.
But Seungkwan is looking at him like he never wants to leave him so Chan takes a breath and settles into the fantasy.
Not being in Seventeen isn’t going to change them, at least not at this moment.
“Okay.” He says. “I won’t forget about you either.”
Seungkwan smiles. He maneuvers his hands so that their pinkies are locked together instead.
He kisses their interlocked pinkies and looks up at Chan expectedly.
Chan wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all, the two of them grown adults making pinkie promises on a swing set like they’re children again.
He still kisses their pinkies and makes his promise, it won’t be hard for him to keep anyway.
The warm hues start to fade from the sky, the moon shining brighter and brighter through the clouds.
“We really should go back.” Seungkwan says. “The others are worried about you, you should let them know what you feel.”
The idea of explaining any of what he was feeling to the rest of them washed him with shame.
“Do I have to?” He whines.
Seungkwan laughs. “Yah, don’t whine like you’re still a kid.”
Chan grins and lets Seungkwan pull him to his feet.
It’s dark now, the moon high in the sky.
If anyone asks, that’s why he held Seungkwan’s hand the entire walk back.
---
Chan sits on the swings and checks his watch for the fourth time in two minutes.
The swings creak and moan now, rusting in too many places to count, but Chan finds them comfortable anyway.
He can’t really imagine seeing Seungkwan again anywhere other than here.
“Channie!!” a voice rings out and Chan looks up to find a blonde figure running towards him. Without thinking, he hops up out of the swing and runs towards him, throwing himself into Seungkwan's arms as soon as he gets close enough.
He smells like lavender and vanilla. Chan wonders when he changed the perfume he liked to wear.
“God, it’s been so long Chan.” He sighs as he squeezes Chan even tighter in his arms.
Chan lets out a loud laugh and squeezes Seungkwan back just as hard.
“It’s been too long, Seungkwan.”
Four full years to be exact.
Seungkwan went and became one of the most popular solo artists in the industry and Chan…..
When he was younger he dreamt of being a solo artist himself, of having the stage all to himself.
He tried that for a while but found it too lonely. He ended up producing and choreographing instead.
It’s not bad work but standing here in front of Seungkwan who managed greater heights than he could have imagined, it feels juvenile.
“Look at you, you’re so old now.” Seungkwan coos, pinching at Chan’s cheek. He pats at his hand. “Hyung, we’re in our thirties now, we can’t do things like that anymore.”
“As long as you’re younger than me I can do whatever I want.” Seungkwan says with a smile.
Chan allows himself to fully take Seungkwan in. He’s tanner than he ever was before and his blonde hair is swept up in a way that compliments his face perfectly. He has a couple new piercings on both ears and he still has makeup on.
Chan realizes that this is a completely new Seungkwan. Gone was the Seungkwan he spent all of his free time with, drinking and talking.
He didn’t know this Seungkwan.
“Come on, let’s go swing.” Seungkwan says, intertwining his fingers with Chan. He tries not to sweat so much.
When they reach the swings, Seungkwan doesn’t let go, instead letting their connected hands dangle in the space between them.
It reminds Chan of when they were kids with the whole weight of the world on their shoulders.
Chan hasn’t felt that weight in a long time, he hopes Seungkwan hasn’t either.
“I listened to your new album.” Chan says. “I may have cried a little.”
Seungkwan laughs. “Aish, I didn’t think it was that sad.”
“Your voice just has that element to it I guess. Do you like it? Being solo?”
Seungkwan is quiet for a moment. “I suppose so. I love singing more than anything but it gets lonely. I miss having people around me.”
Chan wants to argue that Seungkwan is always surrounded by people. He’s always been the most friendly out of all of them and makes friends with ease. He knows he gets along with all his variety show costars and has plenty of people on his team.
But he knows what he means at the same time. Nothing has even quite filled the hole left in his own heart from Seventeen. Seungkwan can’t be much different.
“How’s the quiet life treating you?” Seungkwan asks. His eyes are trained up in the sky, watching the clouds move.
“It’s good.” Chan says. “It suits me a lot more than I thought it would.”
Seungkwan laughs. “I honestly didn’t expect you, out of all of us, to settle into a quiet life the easiest.”
Chan shrugs. “I guess I just got tired.”
The wind blows through Seungkwan’s hair. Chan can’t find it in himself to look away.
“Do you think you’ll settle down?” He asks, his throat thick.
Seungkwan finally turns to him, eyes sparkling.
“Maybe. I would love to have a nice house on the beach with a dog and a baby.” Seungkwan sighs. “I just don’t know if it’s possible.”
And god, does Chan understand that. His whole life he’s known that the life he would end up settling into would never be the one he truly wanted.
Chan brings Seungkwan's hand up to his lips and kisses the back of it. Seungkwan smiles softly.
“Maybe one day.” He says. “Or we could just run away.”
Seungkwan lets a full laugh out at that. Chan always loved that laugh and the way it always came out when he was around.
“Where would we run to?” Seungkwan asks.
“Wherever you want, we could go anywhere.”
They’re almost thirty and they’re smiling at each other over the idea of running away together, like a pair of teenagers.
“I wouldn’t mind running away with you.” Seungkwan says. It sounds an awful lot like a confession but Chan is too afraid to ask.
The sun finally sets, taking the colors with it.
Seungkwan still looks beautiful, his skin perfect and his hair ruffled.
If Chan was a different man, he would have kissed him. If this was a different life, maybe Seungkwan would have kissed him back.
“Do you want to go get dinner somewhere? My treat.” Seungkwan asks.
In this life, he takes what he can get. He knows how this ends.
“Sure, lead the way.”