Chapter Text
Marian Hawke was used to working hard. Endless battles she fought in her life taught her how important it was to be in good shape and she used to work out every day in order to keep her stamina at a decent level. But this time, it was different.
Her lungs were burning and her heart was beating as fast as it was possible. Exhausted as she was, there was only one thought she was able to hear roaring loudly in her mind. He lied to me.
"Quickly, in here!" Varric shouted and they all turned into an alley he pointed. If it wasn't for him, they would probably get lost or get caught by the rest of Templars who disobeyed Knight-Captain's orders. Their group was still followed as they could still hear heavy footsteps and angry shouting from behind them.
"Where are we going?" Merrill panted, trying to keep up with the group.
"Somewhere safe" Varric snapped, taking another turn.
Anders was silent and it made her blood boil. After all the things they went through together his lies were something she found hard to believe in. Why would he do that? Didn't he trust her? It was painful to know he'd decided to keep it away from her. She started wondering whether she deserved this. Perhaps there was a time in their relationship in which she gave him a signal that it wouldn't be a good idea to trust her in such matters? Nothing came to her mind though, for she was always supporting mages with all her heart and Anders knew about it. How could he not know it?
Her thoughts were interrupted abruptly when she saw familiar armored men approaching them quickly, their swords pointed at them and their angry faces filled with rage and hate.
"Turn around, now!" Varric yelled.
They were running endlessly, all of them exhausted and wishing for it to be over.
"Varric!" she said loudly, turning towards her best friend "We need to get on a boat" she choked when she realized it was the only way they could be relatively safe. "I doubt we can find any safe place in Kirkwall anymore"
And as she was saying the words, she felt bitterness in her heart. Her estate, all her belongings, everything she owned... her whole life in Kirkwall - gone. There would be no more evenings with her friends spent on drinking, playing and laughing carelessly. The times when she could be innocent and free were long gone, she knew it deep in her heart. From now on, everything would be different and all because of one man. One man to whom she decided to give her heart and although she was confident of her instant decision to stay with him no matter what, she couldn't help but feel furious with him.
"That's where I can prove myself handy" Isabela spoke up with a playful smirk. "I can easily arrange a boat for us"
"Let's go" Varric answered quickly and they were running again.
When they finally reached the harbor, Isabela instructed them to wait for her and she went away towards a group of sailors standing by a small boat.
"It is all your fault" Fenris finally said and Hawke could swear she never saw the elf so angry. He fixed his gaze on Anders and he looked as if he was ready to attack the mage. Marian readied herself to defend Anders if there was a need and her reaction was surprising even for her. She didn't realize she was ready to fight against her friends to defend Anders but it was the truth. Her faithful Mabari, Shadow, started growling loudly, feeling Hawke's tension.
Anders didn't respond, lowering his head and staring at his feet.
"I knew you couldn't trust mages" Fenris spat and took a step toward Anders. Marian immediately jumped in front of him, blocking her lover out from Fenris's anger, Shadow never leaving her side. The elf looked at her with his eyes wide open.
"You would still defend him? After all he's done?" Fenris exclaimed, enraged with Marian's behavior but she didn't even flinch "I can't believe it" Fenris continued, venom spilling from his mouth "You of all people should know mages cannot be trusted, they would do anything to rule over you and then they would destroy you!"
"Stop it, Fenris!" Hawke shouted, her tone suggesting she was barely holding out her anger.
"Today you defend him and tomorrow he'll stab you in your back!" he yelled and unsheathed his sword. Marian pulled out her daggers in response and she carefully observed Fenris's movement. She regretted it had to come to this but if there was no other choice, she would fight for Anders until her last dying breath.
"Marian..." she heard Anders's silent voice behind her and shuddered.
"Shut up!" she screamed, fueled with her fierce emotions. He had no right to speak to her, not now, not yet. She was far too overpowered by her fury to be able to face him.
Fenris glared at her and he seemed to be willing to say something but he didn't get a chance as they heard Templars approaching them with angry roars on their lips. At that moment, all of them turned around and prepared their weapons.
"Oh, I wish we didn't have to fight" Merrill mumbled silently, gripping tightly her staff.
"None of this would have happened if it wasn't for your precious mage" Fenris grounded out and tightened his grip around the sword's hilt.
She set her jaw and decided to deal with her friend's anger later, focusing completely on the fight which was to begin shortly. Her fury mixed with raw excitement she tended to feel when it came to fighting. She still remembered how exhilarated she felt after fighting the Arishok.
"There's too many of them" Varric said, looking around with hope in his eyes.
"He's right, we can't keep them away" Merrill agreed and glanced expectantly towards Hawke, waiting for her decision.
That's how it always was, wasn't it? Everybody waiting for her to make a decision. She was so tired of taking up responsibility for everything they'd done together. This time though, she didn't have to decide quickly as Isabela's arrival interrupted their anxious waiting.
"Come on! Quickly!" she shouted and they all ran after her, the Templars being hard on their heels.
"They're running away!" one of the men yelled and it made shivers go down Marian's spine. What would they do if they catch them? Was it going to be painful? Perhaps not for all of them, maybe they would spare her companion's suffering, maybe even her death would be quick but not Anders's. No, if they catch Anders, they will make him suffer and it was exactly the reason why she had to keep fighting.
"We're not going to make it" Varric panted when they reached a small boat which could probably barely hold all of them "The bloody Templars are already here"
"Bullshit!" Isabela cursed and pushed Marian towards the boat. "You go! We'll keep them away from you!"
"No!" Hawke tried to protest, Anders standing right behind her, readying his staff for a fight.
"Don't argue now!" Isabela answered, pulling out her daggers.
"She's right! You have to go!" Varric supported Isabela "Don't worry, we'll be fine" he added, seeing Marian's worried expression. "It's you they want, not us!"
"I can't let you..." she tried protesting one last time but deep down she knew the battle was lost before it even began. Shadow whined miserably.
"Come on, we escaped worse trouble" Varric reassured her as he pointed Bianca at approaching Templars. "We'll take care of your Mabari"
"He's right, don't worry about us" Merrill added with a smile, a spell beginning to form at the end of her staff.
Marian couldn't believe the words she heard. It was only then that she realized how much they all cared for her and it made her heart clench painfully as she knew she was going to leave them, probably forever. She grabbed Anders's hand tightly and pulled him towards the boat.
As they were sailing away, Anders steering the boat with oars, she looked at her friends fighting fiercely with the Templars. They stood no chance against such a huge number and the last glimmer of hope died in her heart when she watched them being overwhelmed by the soldiers.
They were sailing in silence, both of them too afraid to speak, anger and anxiety growing slowly in their minds, taking over any common sense they may have had. Each of them reflected upon their friends' sacrifice and mourned silently. They tried wrapping their heads around what had happened, finding it difficult to think clearly with all the emotions ravishing their souls.
Anders wondered if things would have turned out differently if he had told Marian about his plans. Justice was convinced it would be disastrous as the woman would probably try to discourage their plans but seeing Isabela, Varric, Fenris and Merrill sacrificing themselves, Anders felt a seed of doubt growing in his mind. Was this justice? These people did nothing to deserve such a fate and yet they had to die so that he, the apostate mage who lied to the only person he ever dared to love and then murdered innocent people, could live.
Hawke couldn't stop thinking but her thoughts didn't really have any shape. It was a mixture of panic and fury, boiling slowly, almost ready to explode. All was lost. Everything dear to her was lost, her home, her friends gone. Only Anders was beside her but he also was ready to leave her at some point, wasn't he? When he expected her to kill him. He was ready to give up everything they've been building for such a long time...
They finally sailed to a shore and as soon as they reached it they stood up, ready to get out of the damned boat. Anders left first and offered Marian his arm but she ignored it, afraid that his touch could trigger something she wasn't ready to release yet. His painful grimace almost softened her but she decided to steel herself and moved forward.
They were going through a dense forest, having no idea of their whereabouts but being too tired to express their doubts. The sun was already setting and they had to find a place to sleep so when they found a cave in which they could spend the night, they both sighed with relief.
"I'll check if it's safe" she said, the daggers already in her hands but Anders wasn't going to let her go alone and after casting a spell that formed dim light at the end of his staff, he followed her without a word.
Several minutes later, they were sitting by a fireplace, trying to warm themselves a bit. The night was going to be cold and Hawke cursed herself silently for not wearing anything warmer.
It was Anders who decided to finally say something.
"Marian" he started silently, unable to look into her eyes, guilt and shame making him feel almost numb. "I'm sorry..." he mumbled but she interrupted him violently.
"You're sorry?" she asked viciously "What are you sorry about most, Anders? The fact that you murdered all those innocent people? Do you see justice in it?" she continued as all her anger and despair finally found a way to escape her mind "Or maybe you're sorry about leaving our friends behind for death? Maybe there's justice hidden there, huh? But you know what? I actually can't see it" her words were like a venom, pouring slowly from her mouth. "Then, perhaps you're sorry about lying to me? I thought you trusted me but turns out I was wrong, wasn't I? You never fully trusted me, didn't you?"
He was unable to give her any response. There were no words he could say to make their situation better and he knew their love was the only reason she was with him now. If he had rejected her as he intended to at the beginning of their relationships, she would have been safe, not hiding in some damp cave, shivering from cold. It was all his fault. He could have prevented it but instead, he decided to be selfish and indulge in their love.
"I do trust you..." he started with a weak voice but Marian didn't let him finish the sentence.
"Bullshit!" she exclaimed, clenching her fists "How could you do it to me, Anders? I don't get it, I never gave you any reason not to believe in me!" she was shouting now, letting the fury take over her, making her unable to think clearly. "I always stood behind you, I was always faithful! And that's how you repay me? I thought what we had was real but you proved me wrong! Was it a lie for you the whole time?! All those beautiful words about how much you loved me, how much you cherished the time you spent with me... Were those lies, too?!"
"No, Marian, don't say that..." Anders tried explaining but it was impossible to stop her now.
"You are the reason all those people suffer now!" she yelled, her voice echoing through the cave, and she stood up. "You are the reason our friends are dead!"
As Anders's heart clenched painfully, all he could do was trying to keep Justice away but the spirit was far too powerful for him and as Justice took over his body, Anders only managed to pray silently.
"You were a distraction!" he shouted, also standing up and moving towards her slowly, his eyes glowing blue. "You cannot blame him for your friends' choices!"
"Of course, I knew Justice would show up sooner or later" she spat with contempt. Then, she turned on her heels and ran out of the cave, leaving Anders alone.
"No!" he yelled when he managed to regain control over his own body but he hesitated.
He decided not to follow her, realizing that all the pain she was feeling at that moment was caused only by him and that she would be better off without him, even if it was painful to imagine life without her. He knew he was going to break her heart eventually and he knew it was going to break his, too. But he didn't realize it would be so painful. It felt as if someone ripped his heart from his chest and left a bleeding hole.
Trying to convince himself that Marian Hawke was a capable woman and she would find no trouble on her way, he leaned against the wall and let the tears fall down his cheeks as he tried to grasp the moment when his life started falling apart.