Archive of Our Own

You never knew love.

You never experienced it, you didn’t believe in it.

You were born into a loveless marriage, a loveless home.

You heard about it in movies, or people saying they were in it.

But how can that be, how can love exist when you can fall out of love? How can you fall for multiple people. You know you don’t want that.

You almost had it, or at least you thought you did. Someone you were never even with had you wrapped around her pinky, figuratively.

Ell made you happy, in a way you never experienced. She made you start to believe that your life had a purpose. When you told her that you started to feel something for her, she laughed at you and told you that you were just friends and that you needed to leave her alone now.

You asked why, many times. She told you that you could never love someone like you.

You knew you were different, you always have been. People described things to you of what they’ve seen. You can imagine how things look, like what water looks like when it cascades around your body. Or the sun when it hits your face.

You’re not fond of grass, it makes you sneeze and it has a weird texture.

You remember the first time you cried to your mother about Ell, she told you that you were foolish to even think someone could love someone like you. and that all you were good for was holding people back.

You stopped feeling after that, mother found a doctor to do a surgery to help you see, you agreed hoping it would work, it didn’t. Your body rejected it. Time after time, after the tenth try you said you didn’t care anymore.

That’s when she threw you out of your life for good. She said she couldn’t be bothered having you around, you were so useless your body can’t even allow itself to get help. She said she would pay your way but didn’t want any emotional ties to you.

You enrolled in a shared apartment program at Silas University, opting out of a dorm room, they were too small and it wouldn’t be practical with your white cane knocking into everything.

Room 307, you felt the Braille on the wall, they agreed to put that on there for you thankfully.

You don’t know who your roommate will be but you hope they’re quiet.

You set your room up as best as you can, you don’t own much. A bunch of leather apparently. You remember going to the store and grabbing a bunch of stuff with the same texture and the sales person asked if you had a leather fetish, you just laughed because honestly you don’t even know what it looks like.

People don’t really treat you differently but you feel them watching you, especially when you bump into something. You hate going out, you hate feeling their stares.

You’re nothing but a burden.

Your attention is diverted from your book, fully equipped with Braille, they cost a fortune but it gives you something. Besides you didn’t have a problem handing the bill to mommy dearest. The door opened to the apartment, roommate is here.

You sigh to yourself, and get up to see who you’re dealing with. You feel a very energetic persona in the room.

“Oh my gosh Hi!” the person greets you, she oozes sunshine, disgusting.

“Uh, hi” you say while leaning against your door frame.

“You must be Carmilla? Carmilla right?” she says to you, you hear her walking forward.

“Must I be? But yes, I am, you are?” you say, half caring.

“Oh, I right um hi, I am Laura, Laura Hollis” you can tell she is smiling, you feel it.

“Pleasure cupcake, as fun as this is I am gonna go lay down, good luck with everything” you say before turning around and going back into your room, closing the door.

You rest your head against the pillow, listening to Laura move into the apartment until you fall asleep.

You’re awoken in the morning by a knocking on your door.

“Come in” you grumble.

“Morning roomie” she says walking over to your bed, placing a mug on you nightstand.

“No” you grumble, she laughs and walks out muttering about letting you sleep.

You’re pretty sure your heart stopped when you heard her laugh. You lean over to grab the mug she left, feeling it very carefully.

A mug of hot cocoa, you sit up gently sipping it, delicious.

You decide to get up, grabbing your white cane in one hand and the cocoa in the other. You leave your room and entered into the shared living room.

“Oh you’re up now, sorry about the mess” she says and you laugh.

“What is so funny, huh?” she asks you with an annoyed tone in her voice.

“Cupcake, happen to see my cane?” you ask.

“Uh, now yeah, but you look like you can walk fine. So I don’t know why you have it, you choice” she says point blank.

“Okay, you aren’t getting it” you say going to turn away.

“What does that mean Carmilla?” she says stepping towards you.

“N-nothing, never mind” you say and walk away.

You don’t have any more acquaintances with her for a few days after that, you’re laying in you room when you hear the door opens, you’re about to get up to greet Laura, when you hear other voices.

Oh she has company, never mind.

You lay back against the headboard, running your finger along your forearm and various scars that are placed there.

You were thirteen the first time you allowed yourself to bleed. You felt bad about it at first, but after the fifth time you stopped caring. You needed release. You didn’t make a habit out of it, just when things got too bad.

You haven’t done it since you left mother, you felt lonely a lot but not bad enough to cause harm to yourself.

You heard Laura’s laugh through the door, your breath hitches and you smile to yourself. When Laura laughs, it’s the sweetest sound you’ve ever heard.
Another voice you’ve never heard before said something to Laura that you couldn’t even make out but instantly your body stiffens at her voice, you don’t like it.

Well you need a drink anyways, you get up grabbing the white cane and enter the shared living space.

“Hey Carm!” Laura says to you, you smiley lightly to yourself.

“Hey” you say back, feeling around for a glass, once finding one, moving over to the fridge and filling the glass with some juice.

You hear Laura excuse herself to go to the bathroom, once the door closes the other figure is standing beside you.

“Hey freak” she says to you, your back stiffens.

“Leave me alone” you say point blank, brushing past her to walk away before she grabs your arm and says rather harshly, “You better watch your back” you don’t say anything you just keep walking, slightly sulking to yourself.

Of course this was happening again,

A few hours later, you were starting to fall asleep when you heard a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” you say groggily. You hear the door open.

“Uh, hey” she says to you. Laura.

“Can I sit down?” she asks you and you nod, she moves closer to the bed and sits on the end, “I realized something today, and that is that I am an idiot.”

“What are you talking about cupcake?” you say sitting up a bit more.

“Carm, you can’t see can you?” she says with a tinge of sadness in her voice.

“There is the scoop of the century” you say sarcastically.

“Carm, I am being serious” she says, you let out a long breath but mutter, “no.”

“See, I am an idiot, here I thought you were just being rude and ignoring me, when you didn’t look at me I didn’t even think, and I made that stupid comment about your cane, you must hate me, Carmilla I am so sorry” she rambles.

“Hey, cupcake, it’s fine okay? No harm, no foul, you didn’t know” you say before laying back down.
“I will let you rest, again I am so sorry” she says leaving you could still feel the weight on her shoulders, why did this girl care so much? You two barely knew each other, you start thinking to yourself when there was another knock on your door.

“Carm” she says quietly.

“Yes, cutie?” you could feel a smile appear on her face as you say that.

“Would you want to grab lunch tomorrow, my treat?” she asks nervously.

“I think I might like that very much” you say turning your head in her direction with a small smile on your face.

You hear her squeal and yell, “night Carm” through the door.

G’night Cutie, you think to yourself.

You were just finishing your last lecture of the morning before going to meet Laura, walking down the hallway, you feel her presence and mutter great under your breath.

“Hey, freak!” she says to you before shoving your shoulder.

“Leave me alone, Xena” you say harshly.

“I have a name” she says before shoving you.

“Yeah, well I don’t care, especially when you can’t bother to use mine” you say as you keep walking.

“Don’t talk to me that way” she says before shoving you into the lockers.

She walks away laughing telling her friends, that she had a date with Laura.

Of course they were dating, of course.

You shrug it off, get up and try and compose yourself to the best of your ability. You have to meet Laura. Somehow you can’t ever stop thinking about her. You haven’t even seen her or barely spoken to her but something about her brings you back wanting more.

You reach the restaurant when you hear her.

“Carm, hey!” she says as she wraps her arms around you in a hug, you smile to yourself. She feels nice, and comforting, something you’ve never experienced before.
“I already have a table for us” she says as she takes your hand to lead you in.

“You know, I am blind not helpless right?” with slight humour in your voice, trying to ignore the electricity that ignited you when she touched you.

She has a girlfriend Carmilla, even if she didn’t, she could never love you.

You learned a lot about Laura, she’s from Toronto, her mom died when she was six years old, her dad has been over protective ever since, she loves him but she wants to be more free. He sends her emails everyday, telling her about her dog and random things around the house, sometimes it makes her feel lonely.

You hate that something would make her sad.

“What about you?” she asks you, pulling you out of your trance and you frown.

“There isn’t much to tell about me honestly” you say quietly.

“I highly doubt that I mean you’re gorgeous, you must have ladies pining after you” she says without thinking, “crap carm, I wasn’t thinking, I still believe it but I didn’t-”

You quickly cut her off, “cutie it’s fine” you finish.

“My name is Laura, you know” she says giggling to herself, god you love her laugh, probably too much, all you know is you never want her to stop.

“Yeah, I know cupcake” you say with a smirk on your face.

“So why with the nicknames, especially about food?” she asks amused.

“Well, I have to keep some of my secrets or I will lose my air of mystery wont I?” you say back, now smiling.

Smiling is new, haven’t done that genuinely in a very long time.

You talk more and more finding yourself full on grinning now, all because of Laura. It was getting late and you decided both to head home to your shared apartment, she offers you her arm to hold onto which you gratefully accept.

She keeps laughing at things you say, and you’re ready for your heart to start fluttering out of your chest, you feel alive not this dead limb that you’re used to.

You make it back to your apartment and you can hear her yawn, which is adorable. Everything about her is adorable.

“Sorry to bore you cupcake” you say.

“Shut up Carm, we’ve been out for 8 hours” she says laughing again, god damn someone put that laugh wherever heavenly stuff goes.

“8 hours, seriously?” you say in slight disbelief.

“Yeah I know, but I was having a great time” she says rather happily, she is walking towards you.

“Can I touch you?” you ask her cautiously.

“Of course” she says grabbing your hands, you laugh and shake your head no and move your hands up to cup her face, your fingers exploring ever inch of her face.

“Is this okay?” you ask her, she nods, holding onto your arms as you continue, running your fingers over every piece of skin you can touch, she lets out a shaky breath and steps forward towards you removing her hands from your arms but sliding them up your arms to your shoulder. You can feel her breath on your lips, you know what is going to happen you take a deep breath until there is a loud banging on the door separating yourselves in an instant.

“LAURA OPEN UP RIGHT NOW” Xena, of course. You hear her groan which you smile at and she makes a playful face at you, you can feel it which you then feel a face of stupidity, she’s adorable.

She rushes over to open the door, Xena is fuming.

“Uh, hey Danny” she says to her, so her name is Danny, Xena fits better you think to yourself. You can also feel Danny glaring into you. You move back a little bit more into the kitchen.

“Care to explain yourself Hollis?” Xena asks Laura.

“About what?” Laura asks with a tone of disbelief in her tone.

“We had a date Laura, just to find out you’ve been out with the freak all day?” Danny says.

“W-what Danny did you hit your head? We never had a date, not that I was aware of? And Carmilla isn’t a freak she is sweet, we’re friends” you hear Laura say, that’s all you needed to hear. You’re pretty sure you at least like her but you’re just friends. She could never love someone like you. No one would, but here you thought maybe you would have a chance.

You close your bedroom door, locking it, forgetting your white cane in the living room, you feel around your room until you reach your bed and fall down on it, you start to cry to yourself, throwing your only teddy bear you ever owned against a wall, feeling under your mattress for your blade. It’s been forever but seriously you need it now.

You take it and slide it against your wrist until everything fades to black.

You hear voices surrounding you, one in particularly Laura, she’s calling out for you, you feel her touch you but you’re so lifeless, you cannot respond.

You hear the ambulance wailing in the distance, and you rocking back and forth.

“Please don’t die” Laura says to you, you feel her tears fall on you, you manage to get the strength to say, “Laura…” before passing out once more.

Next time you hear her, you’re in a bed, with monitors beeping around you. You groan and shift upward.

“Carm” Laura cries out, “you’re okay, you’re not dead” she says as she starts crying and hugs you, you don’t react. She grabs your face, “please say something” she pleads.

“Shouldn’t you be with your girlfriend?” you ask rather bitterly, even for you,

You shouldn’t be surprised, you’re used to being emotionless, she doesn’t actually care about you, no one does.

“Danny isn’t my girlfriend” she says to you, you scoff.

“Carmilla why did you do this?” she asks you.

You remain silent.

“Laura, why are you here?” you ask her, getting straight to the point.

“I care about you” she says moving forward to grab your hand, you pull away.

“No you don’t, no one cares about me” you say, putting both your hands on your face, letting out a deep breath.

“If I didn’t care, why would I be here?” she says, again grabbing your hand, you try and pull away but she intertwines your fingers and you know you’re stuck. You shrug your shoulders, figuratively looking anyone but in her direction.

“Carmilla” she says.

“What” you reply, trying not to care, no one would be here for you, why is she, she’s just a girl.

“Talk to me” she says squeezing your fingers tighter in reassurance, you let out a gentle laugh.

“No can do, sundance” you say half heartedly.

“Fine, if you’re not going to talk, I am going to tell you everything that happened from the time you left the living room and kitchen area, me alone with Danny and you left to do this every detail, got it?” she demands.

“If you must” you reply.

She sighs slightly annoyed at you. “I got mad at Danny, she never even asked me out but expecting me to just go out with her?? And like didn’t say we were hanging out regardless, I told her that her and I are friends, and yes I was out with you and that I had a really good time, and I am enjoying getting to know you, then I turned you were gone. Danny caught me by surprised, she kissed me, I wasn’t expecting it. I pushed her off. She told me that this was all your fault, and I said you have nothing to do with her and I, we’ve been friends for a long time and I have never seen her that way. She stormed out, and I went to check on you, your door was locked so I figured you needed space, so I went to shower and came back you still wouldn’t answer the door and I saw you left your white cane in the living room, I panicked and picked the lock to the door which I know I really shouldn’t have but now I am really thankful I did” she starts sobbing but continues, “Carm, what the hell were you thinking.”

You hated hearing her cry, you moved over in the bed and patted the seat beside you motioning for her to join you, she eagerly allows, her small frame curled up against you sobbing into your chest, you run your hands through her hair and she grips onto you tighter, you try and sooth her but this is your fault.

She eventually falls asleep, and as you concentrate on her breathing rhythm, and fall asleep yourself. In what is probably the most amazing sleep you ever had, with Laura around you, no matter how hard you tried to push her away she felt safe.

You’re awoken a few hours later, Laura still in your arms, her shallow breaths touching your neck, making you get shivers. You don’t want to move and disturb Laura but you really have to pee.

“Laura” you whisper nudging her side and she springs up out of your hold and you frown. “I am sorry I didn’t mean to frighten you” you say to her but she doesn’t say anything, you feel her hop off the bed back onto the chair. You grab your white cane, and feel your way around the bathroom. Quickly washing your hands, you exit the washroom and go back to the bed.

“Hey” you say, no response.

“Laura?” you call out, no response.

Of course she’s gone. You sit back in the bed, wondering if maybe you should have told her more, something to make her stay but five minutes into your thoughts you hear someone enter the room. It isn’t Laura’s presence though. It’s not the sunshine feeling presence, it’s angry.

Xena.

“What are you doing here” you ask her.

“Something I should have done long ago” she says, you feel her grab the pitcher of water beside you and dumps it on your head, it’s freezing. You gasp in surprise of the feeling of cold.

“It’s not nice to meddle into people’s lives, freak” she says and then slaps you across the face you grab your pillow that didn’t get wet in the process and cover your face with it in the process.

She grabs your hair and yanks it hard, you yelp in response, you’re now crying into your pillow. You tried self defence when you first started getting hit but you kept missing her, she had a slight advantage with being able to see. She punches you in the ribs, making all the air get knocked out of your lungs. She’s about to make contact with you again when you hear her.

“Danny what the fuck are you doing” Laura screams, she runs over to you pushing Danny away and standing in between the two of you.

“Laura-I” she starts to say but is cut off by a very perturbed Laura.

“Don’t you Laura me, here I thought when you made digs at her you were just jealous, I don’t know much of what went on here but I saw enough, I never want to see you again Danny and if I see you so much come near Carmilla, you will hear from me now leave before I get security” she says, seething with rage.

She turns her attention back to you, “Carm…” she says cautiously noticing you shaking, she runs to the closet and gets a blanket and wraps it around your shoulders, trying to warm you up. “I am so sorry” she says to you.
You Don’t say anything, you can’t you’re in shock she pulls you close and kisses your temple, resting your head on her shoulder. You feel Danny’s presence still in the room.

“Laura, can we talk, alone” Danny asks pleadingly.

“I have nothing to say to you Danny, you can go now” Laura says to you without even looking at her. You hear Danny’s foot steps leave the room.

You still haven’t said anything. She turns facing you.

“Carm, say something please” she says to you. You still can’t reply she grabs your hands placing them on her face for you to explore. You do the only thing that you feel is acceptable, you move forward you feel her take a deep inhale but you move your lips forward to catch hers in a soft lingering kiss, lasting longer than it probably should have.

Her lips felt like heaven, you’ve realized you shouldn’t have done that. You pull away quickly, a small whine coming from her mouth.

“I shouldn’t have done that I am sorry” you say to her turning your head away.

“Yes, yes you should have” she turned you head catching your lips in a bruising kiss. Your lips moved together swiftly, you lay down on the bed her climbing on top of you as you deepened the kiss, until you realized you’re in a hospital bed.

You both pull away laughing.

“So, do you want to go home?” she asks you and you nod eagerly going to get your discharge papers from the doctors. They had put you on a leave when you saw fit.

She gets the papers and the doctor comes to confirm everything was okay, Laura reassured him a million times that you would be under her watchful eye.

She calls a cab, you both don’t say anything on the journey back to the apartment, she kept bumping her hand with yours, a small smile creeping on your face, you grab your hands and link your fingers, you feel the blush creeping up on her cheeks.

When you pull up to the apartment, she gets out first, never letting go of your hand, in a swift quick motion she pulls you out of the cab and into her arms, her smaller frame wraps herself around yours, you melt into it.

“What was that for?” you whisper in her ear.

She pulls you even tighter if that was remotely possible, “I am just so glad you’re okay” you smile, she actually cares about you. You think you were stupid to have ever doubted her, when she has never given you a reason to. Old habits die hard. You press a soft kiss to her shoulder.

She pulls away to you muttering something to the taxi driver, and you assume paying him, and he drives off, her hand finds yours again and pulls you towards the building. You reach your apartment and she unlocks the door, leading you in.

“You must be tired, if you want to get some-” you cut her off by feeling for her face and pulling her in to kiss her lightly. She hums into the kiss, resting her hands on your shoulders, you pull away with your lips fighting to stick together. She laughs.

“I’m sorry” you mumble, and she pulls you in with a swift peck on the lips, “don’t be” she whispers.

“But you should rest Carm, we need you back to healthy strength, and after that you and I need to talk” she says to you, your heart drops ‘we need to talk’ is usually never good, and you guess she sense you stiffen.

“It’s nothing bad, regarding us anyways” she says to you and you feel your heart beat start to slow down. She grabs your hand and pulls you towards the bedroom, you must have left your white cane at the hospital, great.

She leads you to the bed and tells you to lay down and goes to leave the room, suddenly you feel more alone than you ever have in your life.

“Laura..” you say rather quietly, hoping she’ll hear you, you hear her foot steps stop, and from the gust of wind that turned your way, you know she has turned around.

“Yeah, Carm” she says, sounding worried, it makes your heart flutter.

“Will-um-will you lay with me” you ask her and your voice cracks. She didn’t reply, instead she walks over to the bed and lays beside you but not touching you.

“Um” you say as you lift your arm motioning for her to move close, she quickly takes the option, curling up beside you. You quickly fall asleep, not long after so did she.

You slept the whole night that way, you woke up and still felt Laura beside you, you smile widely. She stirs in her sleep, sitting up light.

“Morning Carm” she says to you half asleep. You chuckle at her. She makes your heart flutter in a way you’ve never experienced before.

She gets up and you pout, making a ruckus in the kitchen, you hear cupboard doors opening and closing. You get up, forgetting you don’t have your white cane, you feel around the living room walls leading to the kitchen.

“Carm! I am so sorry, I completely forgot” she says running over to you, grabbing your hand leading you to the kitchen table. You sit down and she leaves your side again, running over to her bag.

“I grabbed your white cane at the hospital, I folded it up and put it in my bag, I forgot until just now, I am sorry” she says but you grab her arm and pull her closer, moving your hands up her arms, up her neck to which you feel her shiver for, and finally you cup her face and she breaks the distance placing her lips on yours.

You’ll never get tired of that.

You’ve never known love.

You’ve never known what it was like to be cared for from another person.

You’ve never known what it’s like to feel at bliss with someone.

You’ve never known love.

Until now.

And maybe she doesn’t love you back.

Maybe she never will.

You’re not afraid anymore.

You’re more than willing to experience everything that comes with Laura.

That is, if she’ll have you.

“Carm” she says to you, pulling you out of your trance, again. she grabs your hand placing it around the mug, motioning it for you to grab it, you do.

She sits down beside you, and takes a deep breath, “are you ready to talk?” she asks you lightly. You don’t say anything but nod.

“Carm why did you do this” she says as she grabs your wrist, running her hand over the patch that is bandaged, “you know what the doctor told me” she says but you stay quiet, “he told me that, had I found you any sooner, you wouldn’t have made it” she continues, with her voice sounding sad.

“Laura, I don’t know if I can tell you that” you say, you feel tears forming in your eyes, your body is lightly trembling.

She moves closer to you grabbing your arms to steady them.

“It’s okay Carm, we can start with something else” she says, trying to make you feel better.

“How long has Danny being treating you badly?” she says and you cringe at her name being said in conversation. “Laura…” you start to say but remain quiet.

“Carmilla, please, please tell me” she says, your head falls, tears are now falling down your face. You suck in a deep breath trying to calm yourself.

“A while” you whisper, sniffling, not really not knowing what else to say.

“Carmilla…” she starts before you start letting go and crying, she instantly has her arms wrapped around you, soothing your sobs. “It’s okay Carm, I am here, it’s okay” she says to you.

After you finally regulate your breathing, “why didn’t you tell me?” she asks you quietly, wiping away a few more tears.

“We didn’t even know each other” you said quietly.

“I still would have said something to her about it” she says and you scoff. “What?” she asks you.

“It would have made it worse, had you said anything to her” you say point blank, which clearly has her taken a back.

“Why?” she asks you.

“Because apparently, you two in her brain are a thing, and I am just the freak standing in her way.” you say.

“We aren’t a thing though, never have been and it’s kind of funny seeing as since the moment I saw you, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you” she closes her mouth the moment she says it.

“Y-you thought about me?” you ask in disbelief.

“Literally all the time” she says, she is now standing in front of you, she grabs your face running her thumbs along your cheek bones, “I thought you were the most stunning person I have ever seen, I thought you were a snob, but that part has been rectified obviously. I was curious by you, I started liking you the more I seen you, which is crazy but then the day that we spent together, I could feel myself wanting more of you, you made me laugh like no one else. Then when Danny came and you left I got sad but also mad because I am pretty sure we were about to kiss when she rudely interrupted us” you felt her smiling.

“Well she isn’t interrupting us now” you say with a smirk on your face, she laughs before enrapturing your lips in a kiss. You smile into the kiss before resting your forehead on hers.

You know you have a lot more to talk about, but right now with your lips on hers nothing else matters.

You and Laura have been together for three months now, she spent most nights in your room snuggled up into your side, or you being the little spoon.

You finally opened up about your past, and never knowing love. She cried, a lot she held you, and cried. She introduced you to her dad when he came into town, and he accepted you for you, which you were thankful for.

She kept you close to her no matter where you went, you hardly took your white cane with you.

She told you how your mother was an idiot for never trying to know you, because you were the strongest person you knew.

Danny of course couldn’t let you live in peace, she came by one time when you were waiting for Laura to change, there was a knock on the door and you went to answer it. She immediately changed her demeanour, she shoved you into the apartment, you demanded she left because Laura didn’t want to be with the likes of her. She slapped you across the face, really hard to the point you know there will be a mark.

Laura heard it and came running out of your bedroom, “Carm - are you” she starts to say until she sees Danny, you feel her fill with rage. “What the fuck are you doing her” she says in a tone you never heard before.

“So what you’re with the freak now?” Danny says to her.

“For the millionth time she is not a freak and I don’t appreciate you teaching the girl I love this way” she says, there is an eerie silence cascading among the room.

“You love me?” you asked quietly.

She turns to you quickly and nods before she realizes you can’t actually see her.
“I am in love with you Carmilla” she says and you have tears running down your face, she walks over to you, to see if you’re alright. Once you feel her presence, you smash your lips together before pulling away, “I love you too” you whisper as a smile explodes on your face.

You reach out and feel Laura beside you.

“Hey” she says to you.

“Hey” you whisper back.

You never knew love.

You never wanted love.

Love wanted you.

It came and swept you off your feet. It hit you hard.

Love knew Laura, and that love found you.

So maybe love does exist. Maybe you do have a chance at happiness.

Maybe you just needed a light to pull you out of the dark.

That light is Laura.

You smile to her and kiss her once.

Your favourite words leaving your lips.

I love you.