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Monday.
Usopp had been awake for a couple of hours by now.
He was quiet and still, eyes still closed as he took deep calm breaths. Anyone who would walk past and look at him would probably assume he has not yet woken up.
Despite the sniper’s exterior calm, his mind is very aware and awake.
One single thought had been rattling around in his head for a couple of weeks(technically years, but lately he had begun feeling more ready, more tired ) it now felt ready to be realized.
This week he was going to die.
This week he was going to kill himself.
A small genuine smile tugged lightly at his lips, his plan was ready and so was he, usopp was sure he could do it.
There was just over a week until they were going to arrive at a spring island, folks from the last island had told them that much. The teen was sure his Nakama would be kind enough to find a grassy spot for his burial.
He always did love the fresh air and shady trees of the outdoors. Despite the disappointment and distaste his action would probably result in, he had faith in the kindness of his crew.
Usopp opened a sleep-crusted eye and found the cook’s box hammock to be empty; it wouldn’t be long until breakfast. For once he felt like he had a true appetite, his plan already fueling his energy tank that would be half-empty most days.
Sitting up and putting on a pair of socks and shoes, already sleeping in his overalls he shot a soft look at the men (and animal) he shared his sleeping quarters with.
Zoro basically cuddling his swords, Franky’s snoring, Luffy somehow having ended up laying with his head and feet spilling out his box and Chopper’s constant tossing and turning in his sleep. He was going to miss it.
Usopp opened the door quietly and left, making his way to the kitchen.
Sanji was already hard at work, elegantly moving from one pot to the next, one thing out of the oven and another one shoved in. Watching the blonde in the kitchen always felt like you got a show with your meal.
Usopp was quiet by the door he had emerged from, letting his dark, baggy eyes watch his friend for a few moments before a small sliver of anxiety of being weird for silently staring got him to move.
Making his way to the counter separating the kitchen from the dining area Usopp sat on one of the bar chairs, he tried to politely clear his throat to gain the attention of the other.
A blue eye was quickly on him as his friend turned around, the small melody he had been humming that Usopp noticed as he got closer, ceased.
“Hey Usopp, you’re up early.” He said, teasing but friendly. A smile being directed at the younger.
The sniper rested his face in his hands as he sent a small grin to Sanji. “Yeah… I couldn’t sleep and noticed you were gone” he rubbed his hands over his eyes to remove some sleep before settling down again. “I might as well give you some company since you’re up so early cooking.” The small lie coming out is easy as always.
Sanji cut some meat up as he looked over Usopp for a moment. Then looking down again at his knife and hands at work.
“Thanks,” he said, as a small puff of smoke billowed out of his nostrils from the lit cigarette in his mouth.
“It’s a bit quiet without all the noise in the early hours, so company is always appreciated.” Giving a small smile without looking up, his tone light.
Usopp felt his mouth tug up a bit before falling into a straight line again.
Usopp let his hands fall from his chin to his lap, rubbing the callused fingers over old scarred areas on his hands.
“You…” he began before stopping himself, eyes closing for a moment. Sanji looked up, a small hum to indicate he was listening.
Usopp took a breath, trying to make the small smile on his face look less sad and more tired, but genuine.
He tried again. “You know I really appreciate all you have done for me right?” Usopp asks, the other raises a curled brow at the random (but kind) words.
Sanji was about to ask what prompted this but was quickly interrupted. “Feeding me, helping me, both in and out of battle. I don’t say it enough and I want to apologize for that.” Usopp forces his eyes to meet the one blue visible eye of his friend.
“I am happy you want to call me your friend and I just want you to know that everything you have done for me and the crew, just… Thank you.” Usopp’s thoughts were a mess, he had many things he wanted to say, though most of them would probably be too suspicious or reveal too much of his plan. He had no time for an intervention.
Sanji furrows his curly brows for a second at the out of nowhere compliments and thanks. His hand stilling on the chopping he had been doing.
“Yeah you’re… You’re welcome.” he replies.
“Do you want some food? I have a couple of things ready.” Sanji offers, trying to make the weird feeling in his chest go away. Usopp smiles a tired smile and nods.
He’s normally not this energetic when it comes to meals, especially breakfast. The cook is pleasantly surprised.
Usopp happily forks down the plate of food and two glasses of juice as Sanji continues to cook.
While the sniper eats, Sanji sneaks a look at his young friend.
Usopp’s hair was messy and getting longer, the black curls now past his shoulders, without his bandana it was a little everywhere, even sticking up randomly at the top of his head.
His eyes were getting more baggy and more dark rimmed. His hands fidgeting and shaking occasionally around the fork or glass..
“Are you okay? Usopp?” Sanji couldn’t help but ask, a small gnawing worry in his chest.
Usopp shoots him a grin so genuine and true it felt wrong.
“Never been better.” He said.
Tuesday.
It was never hard to find Zoro. The man was either on Sunny’s grassy deck napping or in the crow’s nest working out with unrealistically heavy weights.
Usopp made his way to the deck after finishing up a few of his last creations in his factory, Nami’s bag was filled, the painting he had been working on for Robin was finally done as well as blueprints for an upgrade he was sure Franky would be happy with, as parting gifts.
The image of their happy faces seeing the gifts made a small pleasant flutter in his stomach, his mind trying its best to squash the emotions stirring up at their (likely negative) reaction to his death.
Usopp wiped the paint from his hands on the cloth he carries in his pocket before looking around on the deck.
Empty, except for Robin sunbathing on a towel with a book on the right side of Sunny.
Today was not the day for her, Usopp turns and makes his way to the nest.
As he had predicted, the swordsman was hard at work doing a handstand with a giant weight bar balanced on the bottom of his feet.
The weights on each side are as long as Usopp himself and twice as broad and insanely thick.
Zoro was amazing, even when he was alone and no one was there to impress he went above and beyond because he knows he can and has the determination and focus for it. It’s admirable.
Usopp knocks on the floor as he enters to alert the green haired man.
Zoro did five more pushes up with his arms as sweat covers his bare back and arms before he carefully lowers the weight and went to stand, his legs not even shaky from the pressure they had just been carrying for who knows how long.
Zoro’s eyes on the teen and he gave a small Zoro-trademark nod as a greeting. “What’s up?” He asks as Usopp makes his way closer to the older. “Is it already lunchtime?” Looking out the window to the sun as if he would be able to tell the time that way, Usopp just let him.
“Oh no, not yet.” Usopp replies, his eyes on the floor below them, droplets of sweat filling the space between them from the earlier workout.
Zoro raises an eyebrow, wordlessly urging Usopp to continue speaking, since he normally didn’t come up here at all. The sniper takes a breath and walks to the bench, taking a seat as he lets his head fall back, closing his eyes.
He knew Zoro was staring at him, his sharp eyes trying to analyze Usopp. Luckily he’s a master at faking till you make it , so zoro could try all he wanted. He couldn’t see into his brain, never would zoro guess what kind of plan Usopp has cooking in his crazy head.
Usopp knew Zoro found him weak and pathetic, how could he not? But suicide was probably so extremely cowardly Zoro didn’t even let it be an option in his mind, even in his silent analysis of the sniper.
Yes. He protected Usopp. He did it because he was on the crew, not because he actually liked Usopp or wanted him to be there. The younger was sure of it, he only tolerated him because Luffy wanted him there (for whatever reason.)
He felt the older teen take a seat beside him, maybe two feet away. Neither spoke. Zoro was used to comfortable silences but this felt anything but.
For once Zoro was the first to break. “Something the matter?” He asked, willing casualness into his voice.
Usopp unconsciously began picking at his fingers as he tried to form his sentence, revealing too much would alert Zoro, the ultimate protector and ultimate pain in the ass if he thought a crew member was in danger. Saying too little and Usopp would feel like his day with Zoro would be wasted on unimportant small talk.
He didn’t want Zoro to worry about him, it’s not about him . Sure, it was him what was going to die but this week is about his Nakama, it’s about them receiving the last energy and kind unsaid words that Usopp has left in him so that they hopefully don’t feel too bad after he’s gone, hopefully he’ll become a memory, if lucky, a memory of fondness and less of annoyance.
“No…” Usopp replies, after a few moments in silence trying to gather his galloping thoughts.
His eyes slide open again as they lock on to the ceiling, not yet brave to look at the steel gaze of the other. “I’ve been, I’ve been thinking and reflecting for a little while.” Zoro gives a nod to make the other continue.
The sniper shoves his hands in the pockets of his overalls, if his hands were shaking Zoro would notice, he always does.
“Guess I just want to—to tell you about them? If you don’t mind. I just have some things I’d like to say to you before I… Forget them , I suppose.”
The swordsman turned his body more towards his friend. “Go ahead.” He replied.
“I want to thank you for being an amazing second in command,” Usopp decides just to begin, the words would come to him. “You’re reliable a—and strong and we wouldn’t have come this far if you weren’t here.”
Zoro’s face had not changed but he was intensely listening. “After Water7, you didn’t have to forgive me just because Luffy did, none of you had to. What I did was cowardly and out of line, I’m sorry.” Zoro softly shakes his head “It’s in the past.” He replies, voice calm.
“I know I know.” Usopp says, a weak chuckle escaping him. “I just want to make sure you know I regret it, I regret a lot I’ve done to all of you.” His voice grew more quiet. The swordsman’s eyebrows knit a little at his friend’s tone.
“A-anyways, I just want you to know I’ve looked up to you almost since I met you. You’re strong, admirable and one of the most genuine people anyone could meet. I sometimes wish I could be more like you.” His eyes squeezed shut as he felt a little tearful pressure behind his eyes.
“You can.” Zoro says, so quickly he might not even have thought it through. Words escaping him before he registered them in his head.
Usopp finally looked Zoro in the eyes, trying his damndest to remain calm and collected.
“Not sure I could ever find the time for that. But thank you.” He replies with another hollow-esque chuckle, standing up.
And thank you for listening to me.”
Zoro’s face was still one of confusion but he nodded, not sure he could trust his voice at this moment.
Usopp gave him a grin. “See you at lunch.”
Wednesday
Franky was easy to find as well, maybe even easier than Zoro. Simply go to his weapons development room and he would be there. The shipwright was more of a workaholic than even Usopp. Though he was more healthy in the way that he knew when to quit and go to bed or eat.
Usopp never quite mastered that natural feel of when he was tired or hungry, often passing out and being found by Sanji who comes looking for him because of missed meals. Always feeling like a bother after for worrying the others.
Making his way to the development room was a familiar route, as he and Franky often did big and small projects together. Usopp was carefully cradling the blueprints he had made for Franky, it was going to be a good farewell gift! He was sure the older man would like it, he was always excited for Usopp’s projects. Kind even when Usopp came up with shitty ideas that no math or materials could make possible.
Franky was welding some metal parts together when the young teen arrived, the shipwright was wearing no face cowering since he was metal himself, his eyes fake as well, so no danger of blindness from the blinding light of the tool.
Usopp called out to him and the other turned to look, face bright when he saw the teen.
“Sniper bro! How suuuper~ of you to come down here!” Fake face all smiles as he puts the welding tool down to come greet his friend. Usopp gave a smile back.
‘I can do this, I can do this.’ He repeated to himself, Franky was a sensitive guy so he had to keep his words and emotions in check. He was not going to let Usopp leave if he thought he was upset or distressed.
“Hey Franky, what are you working on?” He asked, trying to get the ball rolling. The older started going into a big explanation on his new idea for the little Merry boat and upgrades for her. The sniper listened with great, genuine interest, trying to savor the happy feeling he got from Franky’s bright energy that Usopp couldn’t help but soak up like a sad sponge.
As Franky’s explanation came to a close he inquired about the papers Usopp had brought, observant as ever.
Usopp removed the little band holding the papers together and started to unroll them. Usopp remembers then he had something he had to get off his chest before he could give him the papers. “Before I show you, I just want you to know that—that I forgive you. For all the s-shitty things that went down in Water7 between us.” Franky gives a confused nod. “I’ve moved past it and hope you have too, you’re a good man, Franky.” Franky thanked the boy with a little hesitance and a tearful eye, as Usopp moved to finally focus back on the rolled up blueprints.
“I have um, I’ve been working on some blueprints for,” Usopp took a pause trying to calm his racing heart. “They’re for you, your body… an upgrade for your arm cannons, yeah.” He passed the papers for the blue haired man, not looking him in the eyes.
There is a slight pause before Franky accepts the papers as he begins to scan them, uncomfortably quiet as he was analyzing and looking through them.
Usopp knew the math was flawless. The metal he had decided on was strong and lightweight; a type he and Franky had been discussing for weeks. The design was clean and easy, the inside would be easy for Franky to do alone, after Usopp was not there to help. The outer shell would be looking much like his current arms, if not a little less clunky and broad.
As Franky came to the last of the papers he looks back down at the teen, light shock mixed with a grin. He set a heavy hand on Usopp’s shoulder. “This is amazing! Everything looks perfect, a very thoughtful gift I must say!” Usopp let out the breath he had been holding, bringing his hands together by his chest.
“You mean it?” He asked, knowing the answer already, he needed to hear it again.
Franky set the papers on his bench and put his big hands under the armpits of the boy as he lifted him up, much like a cat.
“I do! It’s a suuuper~ gift, must have been hard putting together, but your dedication shows!” He howls with happiness, his support reminding Usopp of what a father he never got to know should have been like.
Franky sets the other down after little, feeling Usopp’s anxious shakes through his metal and its sensors. He pulls out a chair for him and the younger. “What made you think of upgrading my cannons? Don’t tell me their current designs are that bad?” He says teasingly. Usopp is quick to wave his hands in disagreement in front of him. “No no no!” He insists, feeling his ears get warm. “I just wanted to gift you something nice, an upgrade I feel you would appreciate seemed appropriate.” He rubbed his neck nervously “Gave me an opportunity to work on my math too.” Giving a light laugh at that.
Franky gives the boy a soft smile, the younger was so expressive it was a whole performance to witness at times.
“I do appreciate them!” He agreed, giving a double thumbs up.
Usopp gave a few side explanations on his thoughts and steps behind them as Franky listened intently.
The sniper finished with “The build is very simple as you see, so making them alone should be a piece of cake, heh.” Immediately freezing as his slip of words.
“Why should I make them alone? This is your project even more than mine.” He insists, not yet noticing how Usopp is beginning to sweat.
Usopp gave his best attempt at a real laugh. “O-oh I guess you’re right. Wasn't sure if you were okay with me fiddling with your arms system since you made them all alone.” Drying his sweaty hands on the fabric of his pants, before rolling the papers up again, very eager for the conversation to end.
Franky put a hand to his chin in thought. “Yeah I understand, but I trust every person on this ship with my body. You more than anyone, you have proven your craftsmanship to me long ago.” He looked Usopp in the eyes as he removed his sunglasses. “You’re incredibly smart and talented, these papers are just another proof of it.”
He had promised himself he would keep himself together. No crying, extreme shaking or self deprecating words to Franky. But… the kind words he had just received broke his emotional dam a little bit as tears began to flow.
He quickly began to rub at his eyes as they glided on his face in warm rivers, extremely embarrassed.
“Are you okay? Sniper bro?” Franky asked hesitantly as he set a hand on Usopp’s back.
Usopp tried his best at a laugh as he squeezed his eyes shut. “Y-yeah haha, just, I just wasn't expecting that, hah.” Clapping a hand to Franky’s hollow chest immediately followed by curling it into the fabric of his open shirt with his small hands. Franky got the idea and moved his arms to hug around the boy, careful of his strength and hard fake skin covering metal.
“I understand.” Franky said, uncharacteristically soft.
Usopp felt those words hollow him out. No… Franky didn’t understand at all.
He curled into the metal chest even more.
Thursday
There aren't enough days in a week so he could spend time with each member on separate days, so Chopper and Nami were going to be sought out the same day.
Getting away from Franky yesterday with his week-end’s plan in one piece was tough. The older man had a way of coaxing the truth out of him like a dad to their child, but Usopp held strong. He had explained as well as he could through the occasional sobs that the compliments just hit a nerve, that he was very happy and that’s why he cried. Sure, it was not a complete lie, but the truth would be more painful.
The lie in, the end, seemed to work well enough to appease Franky.
Now though, it was time to find the doctor and navigator. Usopp made his way to the deck, the sun was beaming and it was a hot day, barely any clouds at all. Perfect weather for sunbathing, and sunbathing was what he quickly found Nami doing.
The woman was in one of her dozen bikinis, lounging on a pool chair with a cold drink in hand, one hundred percent made special by the blonde cook.
Usopp quickly made way to her as he held a paper bag, it was time.
“Hey Nami, can we talk?” He asked, soaking his voice in cheeriness. The orange haired woman opened her eyes to quint up at the male “Sure.” She replied
Usopp took a seat on the grass beside her chair as he crossed his legs, baggie in his lap. They’re quiet for a few moments, obviously she was waiting for him to begin.
“I just came down to thank you for being our navigator.” She turned her head a bit towards him at this beginning sentence, eyes having been closed again. “You’re incredibly smart and we would have drowned ages ago, Luffy would not even have made it to Syrup Island without you, so thank you for helping him on his quest. I-I know you’re doing this for yourself as well, making your map, but your knowledge on navigation is incredible and I’m happy you’re here.” He finishes.
Nami moves her legs so her feet are now on the grass and turns her body towards him, her eyes open and looking over him much like an older sister looking at a guilty younger brother.She grins at him. “Of course you’re lucky I’m here, you would all be lost without my amazing skills, nice of you to notice.” Her voice laced with pleasure and delight at the compliments, always happy to soak up praise.
Her eyebrow quirks up then “Anything that brought this on?” She asked, perceptive as always.
A guilty feeling starts to curl itself around in his gut.
‘Is it really that out of place for me to say nice things to them?’ He silently wonders, ‘Sanji basically had the same reaction.’ He grits his teeth and lets his hand weave through the grass in front of him, taking a couple of deep breaths.
After a moment he looks at the woman and gives her as a believable smile as he can.
“Nope, just wanted to give you some nice words, as well as this.” He lifted the brown bag up to her, letting it into her lap as she eyes is cautiously.
“This isn’t another prototype of your explosives like last time, right?” She asked before daring to touch it. Usopp laughs softly at the memory of it. Nami, Franky and Luffy had ended up with their hair sticking straight up and soot covered their faces last time he had worked on a new explosive star.
The sniper put his hands up in a mock surrender “No no, not at all. It’s a gift, something you have been waiting on for a while.” He says, pushing the bag further up her lap.
Nami huffs and sets her hand on the bag as she begins to fiddle with the opening. “You know all I want is your debt money? Rig—“ she seems to lose her voice mid sentence.
The bag, it’s filled with berri. Nami hasn't pulled the money out, but with her trained eye she’s sure all the money he owes her is there.
Usopp grins even wider. “It’s all there Nami, I’ve been trading my work power and some of my machines on a couple of islands by now and I finally saved it all up!” He was excited, there is no way she can be angry after he is gone now, no loose thread.
Nami furrows her perfect brows before looking at the smiling boy in front of her. “That’s… that’s great, finally!” She says, trying to laugh but it comes out lackluster. “But you know I was joking right? No need to pay me back already. I’m sure we have a long time on the ocean together left, lots more time for you to rack up debt!” Nami feels weird about all of this, a weird feeling creeping up her back but not sure what it’s telling her.
The male looks down again and begins picking a little grass from the deck. “Y—yeah sure. But I still wanted to pay you back, heh.” He feels the sweat begin to form on his back, it’s not just from the sunny heat. ‘Why isn’t she happy?’ Usopp thinks, frustrated.
“I might as well be the first to pay you back, what a title to have! You know?” He attempts with humor
Nami looks back at the money in her lap, running a hand over some of the bills. “Sure…” she replies, deciding to believe him and not press any further.
“Thank you, Usopp.” Nami gives his a small smile.
Usopp tried to mirror it.
“Anytime.”
In the afternoon Usopp began to make his way to the doctors office. Chopper had been badgering Usopp for a check up for two weeks now, might as well give the animal his wish.
When he opened the door to the office Chopper looked to be filing through vials of medication. He gave a wave and a greeting to the younger animal.” Hey Chopper, whatcha doing?” He asks, cheerful as he could be.
Chopper turns around from the small boxes he has spread out with the different vials. A big smile when he saw the human “Usopp! I’m just doing a round marking down what medications and supplements I have and what I’ll be needing on our next trip to a town.” He replied, holding up a clipboard with rows of complicated medical words Usopp would get tongue-tied trying to pronounce.
Usopp squats down to look over the vials and bottles as well beside his friend. “I see, does that mean you’re too busy for a check up right now?” He asks.
Chopper looks at Usopp in shock “You finally want your check up!?” Eyes wide laying the clipboard beside him to grip at Usopp’s thin arm. His dark skin; now paler from his recent unhealthy eating habits and periods of isolation when he was able to get away, was cold under the hoof. These factors had kept him from letting the doctor prod at his deteriorating body. But if he was leaving soon, might as well give in, give the younger some peace of mind in his work.
He sets a hand on the hooves of Chopper. “Yep, if we could get it done before dinner that would be good,” he smiles “oh! Only if you have time of course, I’d hate to sidetrack you.” He quickly adds, noodling to the boxes and clipboard on the floor in front of them.
Chopper shakes his head “No trouble at all! I have everything written down in my checklist, I can come right back to it and know where I left off.” A big smile at the sniper. Usopp can’t help but smile back, the animal was always good at cheering him up with his bright personality.
“That’s good, well, do you want me sitting? Laying down? Or…” he trails off, it’s been a while since he last had a check up. He might not have had one since right after Alabasta, because of all his broken bones and injuries then. It really had been a while.
Chopper instructed him to sit on the hospital bed, taking his own place by standing in the bedding beside him to properly reach with his small arms.
First he had Usopp take breaths while listening to his heart and lungs with his stethoscope. Then his reflexes by using a rubber hammer on his knees. He was weighed (oof) and measured as well.
Next he was to lay down as Chopper pushed and felt around on his stomach, a concentrating look on his furry face.
Usopp had decided not to talk much during the check up, better not to distract the doctor unless he asked questions.
The animal asked him to sit up again as he looked into his eyes, mouth, nose and ears. “You look pretty good.” Chopper began. The sniper was sure he heard a ‘But’ coming on.
“But…” yep .
“I’m a bit worried about your weight and your eyes are quite red and baggy.” He got a weird look on his face. “I know you eat with us at every meal but are there any issues after? Nausea? Problems with your bowels?” He asks curiously, new clipboard in hand to jot down info and observations.
Usopp couldn’t tell him about the occasional vomiting, it’s not that he wanted to puke the amazing food up again. Some days it just felt like having anything in him made him want to claw his flesh off, it was hard to explain, being empty just made him feel more at ease and controlled . He didn’t want to worry the animal with things like those so close to his departure.
Usopp set his hands in his lap “I get nauseous sometimes if I eat too much, but it’s not too bad.” He lies, it’s good Chopper is so gullible. The evidence (his body) is right in front of the doctor, but he has such faith in Usopp not to lie about stuff like this that he believes him.
It makes Usopp feel even more sick with himself.
“Okay…” Chopped says, writing some stuff down.
“How about sleep? Are you getting enough?” Usopp felt more inclined to be honest here, it wasn't a secret he was an insomniac for some periods of time.
Usopp meets Chopper's gaze “Same as always, a few days without sleep and then a few with,” he says sheepishly “I’ve tried the medication you gave me but I keep forgetting when I’m working.” He admits.
The doctor nods a few times as he writes something down. “When you do remember to take them, do they help?”
“Yes, for a few hours.” Chopper nods again.
“If you want, I can remind you to take them every night before bed and we can see if taking them more regularly will help?” Smiling at Usopp, always trying to be helpful. It almost made Usopp’s heart hurt.
“Yeah… sure, we can do that. Thank you.” He replies, giving a loving scratch unde the younger’s chin. Chopper gave a big smile and a hearty laugh.
“Okay okay enough!” He yelled, still laughing as Usopp ticked and scratched him for a few more seconds. The smile on Chopper relaxing him a bit.
“Fine, I’ll stop.” He says with a smile.
“Any—any other things you want to talk about?” Chopper says, though still a bit out of breath.
Usopp looks down at his scarred hands. “I want to thank you for taking care of me, taking care of all of us. You’re an amazing doctor.” He says, voice genuine and low. Chopper swats at his arm and calls him a bastard while smiling and swaying at the compliment. The familiar action makes Usopp smile.
Chopper quickly goes back to his doctor mode after a few moments, looking back at his list of points.
“I do want you to remember this check up is not just about your physical health. It can be mental or environmental as well, if you’re having any issues you want to discuss.” He says, making sure he wants to listen if there are any problems at all, thorough as always.
Usopp thinks about the long sleepless nights. He thinks about the gnawing of his stomach when he goes to bed hungry after emptying his stomach content into the ocean over Sunny’s side. He thinks about the voice in his head replaying every loss and cowardly moment. He thinks about the bone aching tiredness he feels almost every day as soon as he opens his eyes after the rare night of sleep. He thinks about how his mind warps how he sees himself in the mirror. He thinks about how he hammers and cuts away on his machines for hours as his fingers bleed from accidents . And about how that feeling of that pain on his bruised and cut skin makes him breathe a little easier. He thinks about how he feels like he hears whispers when alone, sounding like the crew, speaking words of disgust, embarrassment and hate. He thinks about all of that and more.
“No,” he replies with a smile “I’m okay otherwise.”
And Chopper believes him.
Friday
Robin was most often to be found in the library, reading or writing about all sorts of things Usopp would never understand. Usopp has carefully wrapped his dried painting in a clean cloth, this was probably the most effort he had ever put into one of his creative projects that was not building related.
As he enters the library Robin greets him without looking up. He hadn't even opened his mouth to speak, she really did see everything. Usopp silently prayed she would keep her summoned eyes and ears to herself on Sunday. The only thing more mortifying than them discovering his plan before he is done, is them barging in on the last day in the middle of it.
Usopp shoots a little greeting back as he makes his way to the archeologist, she sets her book aside and looks at the boy with a warm smile. Usopp shakes whatever nervous jitters off and seats himself across from her by the small table, laying the still covered painting on the table. She calmly sets her head in her hands, letting him speak first.
“I have a, um…” Usopp pauses, thinking of the best way to formulate his sentence, this one was particularly important to get right. Robin waits, patient as ever with a soft smile. ”After what happened at Enies Lobby I know I kept asking you questions about—about Ohara, but you never asked me to stop. And I didn’t do it just to pry or be annoying! There was a reason.” Usopp now begins folding out the edges of the cloth from beneath the painting, the woman now eyeing him more curiously at the mention of her home island.
“Finding out what happened to you, to your home and people was awful and I’m sorry it happened. So I wanted to give you something, i-if it’s wrong or has a lot of mistakes I’ll change it, yeah…” With that he completely removed the cloth from the painting.
It was a 100x150 centimeter canvas. The endless sky has a couple of soft looking clouds, the island below has lush green grass and grey stony houses connected with winding stone paths. Trees filled with countless small dark leaves that must have taken hours to do. The ocean around the land is vast with many shades of blue, a slight sea foam around the shore.
Stones resembling small mountains; adorned by grass and moss, littered around the island.
The most amazing part is the giant tree, The Tree Of Knowledge, it was thick at the top and thinner by the bottom and incredibly tall, spanning far above the ground below. With even more leaves, again so detailed and meticulous it was unbelievable. The tree had vines and aging lines along it in many slithering patterns, a dozen windows adoring its side as well, for the archeologists to look out of all those years ago.
A small door at its cradling roots connecting it to the ground, the door to the amazing library Usopp had heard a lot about.
Usopp held his breath, anxiety bubbling just beneath his skin. Robin had not spoken, no longer smiling as she looked at the art piece with wide eyes.
Usopp was about to apologize, maybe this was disrespectful somehow. Upsetting his friend was the last thing he wanted to do.
The other was faster she laid the painting on the table carefully as she rounded it and gathered the boy in her arms. Her strong arms crushed him for a moment as she embraced him.
He paused and encircled her back from his place on the chair still. “Do you—do you like it?” He asked nervously, not trusting this situation until he hears her verbal verdict.
She hugs a little tighter as she nods against his shoulder “I love it, thank you so much Usopp.” She replies, voice thick with unshed tears and growing emotion. After a few moments of embrace she pulls away, her blue eyes glazed over with tears threatening to fall any second. Usopp smiles at her, overjoyed she likes his painting, it had taken forever.
Walking back to her seat she touches the many colors with gentle careful fingers, positive memories of better days filling her mind. Memories of loving archeologists and a knitted community through knowledge.
“This is truly amazing, it looks just like Ohara.” She can’t help but smile even wider at the old familiar name on her tongue. “It’s like looking into a picture.” Usopp breathes a deep sigh of relief. “I’m so happy to hear. It’s good you like it, because it’s yours now.” Drumming up a little solo on the table in excitement.
She holds it by its sides, careful as if it could break in pieces if she held the canvas too tight. “Thank you, you’re too kind.” Looking back at Usopp with earnest and kind eyes.
“This must have taken so long, why did you decide on such a big project for me, if I may ask.” Always in the pursuit of knowledge, even a little bit of it.
Usopp runs his own hand on the edge of it in a careful manner. “Hearing your story of the lost people and history of Ohara I felt I needed to give you something of remembrance.” He can’t meet her eyes, feeling too raw at the honesty. “Losing your culture and home in that way it was awful to hear, so this felt like the least I could do. I’m not a historian or writer, but I can paint with the right descriptions, so I just asked you questions about how it looked now and then, and yeah.” He gestured to the painting with his hand, hoping it spoke for itself when he could not.
Robin seemed satisfied with that explanation luckily, thanking him again. “Are you going to hang it somewhere?” He asks curiously as she stands up, painting in her hands.
She gives him another smile, he can’t help but smile back.
“I’ll hang it here in my favorite room, the library,” She replies cheerfully. “By the rows of books and knowledge.”
“You want me to help? I can get my hammer and nails.”
“I’d like that, Usopp.”
Saturday
Usopp had purposely saved his captain for last.
He considered Luffy his best friend. They were the same age and had the same humor and got up to a lot of the same antics. Luffy had saved him from the painful routine he had created on Syrup Island with his boy cried pirate sctick, and despite the pain and turbulence he had on this adventure he wouldn’t have traded it for anything.
Usopp does a little walk around the deck until he spots the strawhat wearing boy, who has seated himself comfortably on Sunny’s figurehead. A quick memory of Merry crossing his mind for a moment, he shakes his head and walks up the stairs to the other.
Luffy does not seem to notice Usopp at all as his back was towards him, the sniper decides to just cross his legs to sit and wait behind Luffy. Better not to disturb him, it would give Usopp a little more time to gather his thoughts as well.
Usopp wasn't sure about how long it had been until suddenly Luffy took a deep breath and turned his head, eyes widening as a bright smile stretched across his face when he saw the other boy. “Usopp! How long have you been there!?” He asked excitingly, sliding down from the lion head.
Usopp gives a light shrug as he genuinely has no idea, his butt did hurt a bit though. “Can we talk?” Usopp asks, finding his voice. It was go time.
Luffy’s smile never wavers, “Of course!” He replies.
The curly haired boy lays down on his back, looking up at the stars. It had become late.
Luffy does not waste a beat as he lays next to Usopp, settling his hat on his chest as they lay shoulder to shoulder. Sickly paling dark against sun kissed tan.
This would be more comfortable for his back, also it helped that he didn’t have to look Luffy in the eyes. At times it felt like the other could see right into his soul, dumb as he was at times. And Usopp really didn’t need that right now.
“Thank you,” ‘Okay strong start.’ “for letting me be a part of your crew. It’s been amazing to be on this journey, being your friend, you being my best friend, I’m happy I met you and the others.” He takes a shaky breath and traces the edge of the moon with his eyes.
“Being there to help the others get on this ship and a step closer to their dreams, and your dream. It’s a privilege I’m happy you let me have.” He stops for a moment, waiting to see if Luffy decides to speak.
He was not going to look at him.
He heard Luffy take a breath in. “You make it sound like you’re leaving the crew.” Is all Luffy replies.
It feels like Usopp’s heart stops for a second before it starts to beat rapidly, his cold skin warming up in the night air as sweat forms at the back of his neck. Shit, it did sound like that didn’t it?
“O-oh sorry, didn’t mean to make it sound that way.” He attempts a weak laugh. This was going wrong way too fast.
“What’s wrong?” Luffy asks him, in the middle of Usopp’s internal panic attack. The captain’s voice is steady and even, Usopp envies his ability to find that calm place within himself.
Usopp huffs out a scoff “ Nothing is wrong Luffy, can’t I just be nice for no reason?” Luffy is quick to answer “No.” blunt as always.
Usopp clenches his hands tightly together, this was not going how it was supposed to go, fuck!
“Do you really think that low of me?” He asks his captain, he didn’t want a confrontation but if Luffy had such a genuine low opinion of him he might as well just skip this and do it tonight, why even wait for tomorrow.
“I’ve never thought low of you,” The other replies “Usopp is acting weird, and I want you to tell me why.” He says, as if it’s as simple as asking about the weather.
He was so goddamn infuriating at times, but the honesty was sobering as well.
They’re both quiet for a while, the only sound being the sound of occasional waves beneath them and wood groaning. Luffy suddenly takes his hat and Usopp is sure he’s going to just leave him but the tan boy just settles the hat on Usopp’s chest, the edge of it coming up to just cover over his nose and mouth.
“Tell me.” He says again, light as rain, simple as a song.
Usopp feels a stinging behind his eyes, he couldn't do this, he couldn’t tell him the truth. But if he told a partial one, maybe Luffy would understand his decision better once Usopp was gone. Luffy was lending him his damn hat and Usopp still couldn’t help but lie, he felt like scum.
“I’ve just been feeling sad. Not just because of everything from Water7. I’ve always been like this, like I’m a permanent minus and all I touch ends up destroyed or warped or just being wrong . Wrong because I’m me and I’m bad, I’m just… a mess.” He admits, it’s probably the most honest he has ever been on the subject of his mental health. Luffy listens in silence at his sniper’s words.
He takes a breath in and clutches at the hat on top of him, it smells like ocean and sweat and Luffy .
“I don’t like myself, Luffy.” His voice barely a whisper over the waves, though the captain is more than close enough to hear.
Luffy sits up, crossing his legs, his body and eyes to his shaking friend. Usopp turns his head a bit, still not brave enough to meet the dark eyes of his friend.
“I like Usopp,” Luffy says, strong as always. “You’re my best friend as well. Even if you don’t like yourself I do, I’ll like you until you like yourself and keep liking you even then.” Usopp huffs out a laugh at the mildly childish response, rubbing at his wet eyes with one hand.
Luffy grips Usopp’s shoulders and hauls him to a matching sitting position, the hat falling into his lap. Luffy makes him look into his eyes, no space to try and argue, determined as always. It’s scary how commanding he can be with no words at all.
“If you were not strong and brave and courageous I would not have chosen you as my crew mate. You’re the only sniper I want, the only best friend I want, the only Usopp I want, okay?” He asks , but it comes out more like a command.
A few tears escape the shaking boy as he lightly nods his head in defeat of the kindness. Luffy gives a bright smile at this, “Good!” He replies before winding his rubber arms three times around Usopp is a snake-like hug.
Usopp weakly returns it to the best of his abilities.
Usopp takes a steadying breath “C—can we sleep together tonight? I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.” He asks. Luffy nods energetically against the side of Usopp’s head “You wanna sleep now?” Luffy asks.
“I um, I need to get my sleep meds from Chopper but then we can, if it’s alright.”
Luffy gives another nod and unwinds his arms as he stands up, offering a hand to the other.
Usopp graciously takes it and hands the strawhat back to its rightful owner.
“Um, see you in bed.” Luffy gives him a firm smack in his back and nods as he jumps down on the deck and onwards to the sleeping quarters.
Fuck .
Sunday
Yesterday’s conversation with Luffy had made him doubt some stuff, but still his plan persisted in his mind, appearing in the frontside of his thoughts as soon as his eyes had opened. Luffy currently felt like a space heater and Usopp soaked up as much warmth as he could with his captain’s long limbs all over him when he woke up in the cramped box hammock with him.
He knows what Luffy told him, remembers all the kind words from the captain and the crushing hug. He remembers the warm feeling of being embraced by his friend but still his mind and thoughts feel just as dark and messy. Nothing had changed, he could feel it and he didn’t know why . Why was he like this? Why couldn't he just accept that maybe they did like him.
Usopp opened his eyes, frowning.
Even if they did like him, if there was no doubt they all loved him and respected him, would it even change anything? He hated himself long before he met any of them anyways. His urges to run and hide from foes would get tiring at some point if it hadn’t yet. His screaming and crying over scary islands, marines and pirates would get old at some point too.
He was seventeen and still young now but how would the crew feel in a couple of years, as they all grew stronger he was still his old disappointing self.
He didn’t want to be the thing that slowed them down, he had almost been that when it had come to Merry.
Usopp sits up and looks out the little porthole window, it was still dark, he probably hadn't gotten more than a few hours of shuteye. He moves the rubbery arms and legs from around him and carefully shifts over the box’s edge to the cold wooden floor.
He was going to do it.
First though, he needed his things in order, no need to leave a mess for the crew. Franky would probably appreciate the extra space for inventions, or maybe Robin could fill it with some bookshelves too, the options were countless for such a large room. The quiet solitude of the dawning cold morning was nice too, a little moment of peace before leaving.
If Usopp remembers right Sanji was on watch right now, he mostly spent his shifts looking out on the ocean while chain smoking, he didn’t have to worry too much about him looking down on the ship under his perch and spotting Usopp.
The sniper got a few cleaning supplies and a rag, his heart was weirdly steady and his breath calm and even despite what he was planning to do. He felt no panic at all, he wasn't quite numb, he knew that feeling well too. His mind and body were in a comforting place, working together for once, he only really felt this sense of tranquility when he was in the zone when sniping.
Usopp enters his factory and turns on the lights taking in the mess, he could probably be done before breakfast, he isn’t sure he could look at any of them in the eye today. He moved first to the boxes of nails and smaller metal pieces. His mind wanders as he moves and sorts through them.
‘It’s for the best, I know they’ll be sad for a while, maybe confused too since we are all still young and new to this, but they’ll manage.’ He assures himself, settling the right boxes on their labeled shelf area.
‘Luffy told me he didn’t want any other sniper than me, that I’m strong and… courageous.’ Usopp’s hand still for a moment at the memory, his hand holding a couple of worn tools. He’s quick to shake his head, ‘No he’s just, he’s wrong, he gives me too much credit. He knows I’m a coward, he just feels bad telling me that I’m useless.’ He assures himself.
Next is some of the bigger unfinished machines, part of him just wants to throw them over the side of the boat, but maybe Franky wants to use them for parts… Or maybe he’ll try and finish them, that would be nice.
Pushing the heavy metal work is hard with his weaker arms and empty stomach, Usopp manages though, he always does. There are a couple of deeper scratches in the floor of his factory from past pushing and he feels a sudden need to have one last conversation with Sunny too.
“Hey Sunny, I’m uh… Thank you for carrying me and the others along after Merry, you’re an amazing ship. I’m probably going to end my journey here though so—so just take care of them, okay? I’m sorry for the scratches and spilled paint, I’m sure Franky will redo the room nice and pretty after it’s empty.” He smiles weakly and rests his hand on the wall for a few moments, just feeling the sway of the vessel.
Okay, back to business.
He begins clearing his work bench, smaller inventions and random scraps of paper of nonsensical ideas litter its surface.
He places the small objects in the appropriate boxes and moves them to the side to clear the floor better, next he gathers the papers and sets them in one of the binders he stores blueprints and paper drawings in, setting it aside in his small bookshelf.
What he was doing was morbid, he knew that deep down. Cleaning his space so he could kill himself and make it less physically messy… There was a sense of disconnect from what was really going on and his mind, this was going to be a traumatic experience for his new family no matter what he could try and do, but cleaning felt like the only way he could soften it even a bit now that he had no more words to say. No more tears to cry.
Usopp ignores those unconscious thoughts wandering his fragile mind, whatever lie he can use to protect himself is utilized if possible.
He grabs the rag and wets it in the small bucket of water he had gotten and begins scrubbing at the bench, an almost boring expression on his face. He had not even bothered to try and make himself physically presentable, the thought suddenly hit him.
His hair is a mess, he hadn't even rubbed the sleep from his eyes or changed out of the overalls he had used when he had finished the painting for Robin.
When was the last time he had showered?
His scrubbing slowly comes to a stop and he seems to just stare at the wet wood with older permanent oil stains, his breathing sounding like a jet engine in his ears.
How could he have forgotten that?
Usopp looks out of the entrance to his factory, it’s still dark out but the small telltale light in the crow’s nest is gone so Sanji must be preparing breakfast now. If he was lucky he had maybe an hour. Shit.
The teenager sped to the sleeping quarters and silently gathered underwear, clean overalls, a sweater and his hair products. The run to the shower was frantic and his tranquil place was shattering around him, this was NOT going how he wanted it to. Getting through his hair for a shower was probably twenty or thirty minutes by itself. Usopp silently accepted he might have to endure breakfast before his suicide as the water warmed up.
When Usopp leaves the bathroom in clean clothes the first thing he hears is Sanji yelling that food is ready. Ah , he hadn't even had an hour.
Every step towards the dining room feels like it’s reverberating through his bones, the smell of his hair products is clogging his nose and the feel of his clothes on his skin is like an itch. As Usopp opens the door he is met with good company and amazing food. His Nakama is talking excitedly between each other as they eat. Sanji is quick to snatch up the sniper’s porcelain and plate it high, Usopp’s belly churns with sad disgust at the content. Not because the food is bad, but simply because he knows he could never stomach it.
It feels like a staring battle between him and the eggs when a Chopper waves at him out the corner of his eye. He makes eye contact and the doctor smiles, “Usopp! How did you sleep tonight?” Usopp picks at his napkin. “I slept okay, thank you.” Chopper’s grin widens as he nods passionately at Usopp and then to himself before taking a big swig of juice.
He really didn’t want to be here and it makes a sickening guilt begin to grow more.
Looking across from him he now spots Sanji who gestures to Usopp’s plate, still filled with untouched food. The teen can only manage an apologetic look before hesitantly picking up his fork. The bread feels like mud in his mouth, the eggs are wet clumpy cement and the juice is like a thick unappetizing soup. All of it feeling like it’s sticking to the inside of his esophagus as it uncomfortably slides down. He gives Sanji a smile, the cook seem content enough with the amount eaten.
When breakfast comes to a close he quickly steals the knife they had used for cutting the fruits while the others are getting up and out, Sanji has his back to him from the kitchen. The knife goes in the teen’s pocket.
Afterwards Usopp is quick to lock himself back into his now clean factory. The first thing he does is locate the bucket of water and empty his stomach content into it. The stomach acid mixed with chunky food pieces feels revolting but the feeling of an empty belly soothes it.
Once again Usopp walks out of his factory, bucket in hand this time. He moves to the side of Sunny and pours his shame out, the food and acid quickly hidden in the blue waves.
Usopp makes his last trip back to the work room and locks the entrance, double checking them. He seats himself in the middle of the room and pulls out the knife, taking a moment to clean the drops of fruit juice off with the hem of the dark green sweater he had pulled on over his brown overalls.
The teen eyes the blade in his hand, Sanji’s knives were always sharpened to perfection. Not a lot of force was needed to cut through fruits, vegetables or meat.
His hand is only shaking a little when he pulls his left sleeve up to his elbow, next he pulls off his long striped wristband that always covers his whole forearm.
The area is filled with old, long-faded scars. Some the same shade as his skin, some a little lighter when he had gone too deep. He carefully places the knife on the floor beside him as he lets his right hand run over the thin bumps on his skin, most he remembers making, a couple he was so out of it it was a daze.
Usopp blinks a few tears away and dries his eyes before picking up the knife again in his right hand.
He places the tip right at the bend between his hand and wrist and just… waits.
Killing himself, he’s wanted it for years and now the opportunity was here, to leave on his own terms and not by the hand of other pirates or sadistic marines in battle.
He wants to die, he knows he does, right?
Usopp takes a shaking breath, gripping the handle tighter.
‘Come on just… just do it, coward !’ His mind yells at him.
And Usopp just—he can’t?
Nothing has changed. He still hates himself, he still feels bone-achingly tired and his mouth is sour with acid, but he can’t do it.
The teen lets the knife go as it clatters to the ground, his lungs letting out the breath he didn’t know was stuck in his chest. Usopp falls back on his back to the wooden floor as he grips his scarred arm hard, the tears now beginning to overflow.
“I’m a coward.” he sobs into the clean emptiness of the room.