Chapter Text
Mornings have always been one of your favorite things in the world. Whether it was seeing the subtle, golden rays of sunshine slipping in through your bedroom window or hearing the gentle melody the birds sang in the early hours of the morning. Or perhaps, it had to do with the feeling of waking up and being encased in a familiar warmth; the arms of your favorite person wrapped comfortably around your body. The soft feeling of skin-to-skin contact making you feel secure and safe as he snuggled his face into the crook of your neck, pulling you closer into his side. The feather-light snores tumbling past his lips, seemingly tickling your neck.
Either way, waking up in the arms of Kakashi Hatake was something you always cherished.
But lately, that same warmth that once provided you a great sense of protection and security has now grown cold and distant. Instead, it felt as if a ghost filled the vacant space beside you in your once shared bed.
By now, you should’ve learned to not expect something as trivial as waking up with Kakashi by your side. Yet every morning you wake up with a sense of hope, a small part of your heart wishing that this morning would be the one to change your recent routine of waking up alone in an empty house. But alas, that hope quickly dissipates once again as the unoccupied space beside you stares back at you; almost tauntingly, completely untouched.
Another night at the office, you assume.
This morning would be no different than those of these past few weeks. Pushing your thoughts aside, you opted to get up and start your morning.
Rising out of bed, you quickly made your side of the bed. You looked over to his side, not having to worry about it considering the soft white linens and comforter were still neatly tucked in from a few nights before. A frown formed on your face when you realized you couldn’t quite recall the last time you and Kakashi had slept in the same bed together. Sometimes you’d be ready to head out the door on your errands or assigned missions only for him to waltz in, giving you a quick “hello” and a masked kiss on the cheek before crashing on the couch or making his way up to your room to sleep.
Continuing on with your morning, you changed out of your cozy pajamas and into some comfy casual clothing along with your kunai holster wrapped securely around your thigh, just in case. You grabbed your headband and tied it around your forehead comfortably, securing any fly away hairs before getting ready to head out. Though you had nothing important to do today, it was too beautiful of a day to not enjoy some much needed time outside the confines of your home. Perhaps you’d run down to the market to pick up some fresh produce, maybe even join Kurenai or Anko afterwards for a couple of drinks. One thing you knew for sure though was that you did not want to be alone with your thoughts inside this empty house all day.
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The atmosphere of the fruit market never failed to bring you a sense of serenity. You had always loved to come shopping with your family or friends when you were a child. The vendors all knew you by your name, due to how regular of a customer you had become over the years. As odd as it may sound, you could spend hours just walking around shopping and making casual conversation with the kind merchants who had set up their stands that day. It was moments like these that made you proud to be a shinobi of Konoha. Listening to their stories filled you with a sense of pride and contentment, knowing that you and your fellow shinobi fought to be able to help cultivate such peaceful time for village residents.
It seems you had picked the perfect day to come shopping. The sun was shining brightly in the lively village of Konohagakure, not only kissing your skin warmly but also illuminating the boxes of beautifully-colored fruits that laid out in the open. Vendors were rushing left and right to unbox them and bring out all of their fresh produce, ready for another day of business in the busier part of the village. A certain box of fuji apples caught your eye, instantly making your mouth water in anticipation as you imagined the crisp sweetness of the fruit overtaking your tastebuds. The saccharine juice it offered would be just the thing to keep you refreshed in this summer heat.
You made a beeline for the box of apples, getting ready to start your quest of choosing which ones were best before a deep voice called out your name from behind you.
“Hey you, long time no see.”
You spun around, grinning as you came face to face with a familiar figure. Before you stood one of your closest friends, Genma Shiranui. He was sporting his usual green flak jonin vest along with the rest of his uniform. How he wasn’t sweating in his long sleeved shirt and dark pants was beyond you. His navy blue bandana was wrapped comfortably around his forehead, tucking away any loose strands of hair from his structured face. His signature senbon hung out from the side of his mouth as he flicked it from side to side accompanied by a bright smile–– one which you didn’t know he reserved only for you. Laughing lightly, you returned your attention back to the task at hand of finding the perfect apple. “You saw me the other day, Genma. Stalking much?”
The brunette laughed at your comment, mumbling a quippy ‘you wish’ as he watched you bring an apple up to your face and examine it with a purpose. Satisfied with the apple you had chosen, you placed it inside your shopping basket before picking up another one and repeating the same process.
While it was true that he did see you just the other day, thoughts of you have been taking up his mind more than ever since then. The way your usual bright and beautiful eyes looked tired and sad; how your once bright, charming smile didn’t quite reach your eyes like it normally did. He noticed how your once carefree and bubbly personality was now looking like a mere facade to hide whatever it was that was troubling you. To put it simply, you weren’t your usual self–– it was not hard to notice, it was you after all.
“Any plans for today?” He asked you nonchalantly, trying not to get too excited about the mere possibility of getting to spend more time with you in case you did have plans and were busy. Shaking your head no, you made your way to pay for your items with Genma following you closely behind.
“Nothing on the agenda for today. Just wanna get out of the house, you know?” You handed your ryō to the vendor, giving them a grateful smile as they volunteered to bag all of your grocery items for you. They handed your bag to you to which Genma smoothly stepped in and took into his arms, an ‘allow me’ following his actions. You thanked both the vendor and Genma in return, admiring his usual kind nature.
“How about you, Gen?” The smile you gave him sent butterflies straight to the pit of his stomach. Suddenly his palms grew sweaty and he felt nervous at the idea of asking you to hangout with him. Why? He wasn’t too sure. He’s done it plenty of times before but for some reason, the unspoken feeling in his chest had been making itself more known recently. It was getting harder for him to ignore. Not that he’d expect you to know about the toll you’ve had on him for years now since he never brought it up nor even mentioned it to you–– he lost that opportunity a while ago. So instead he kept it bottled up inside, no matter how much he wanted to scream it out.
Mustering up his courage once more, he met your gaze as you looked at him expectantly with those beautiful eyes of yours. Letting out a quiet exhale, he reciprocated your grin. “Are you hungry?”
You hummed in thought as you recalled how you had opted to stay in bed a little later than usual this morning, too busy spending your time sulking. This resulted in you having to skip breakfast in order to start your day sooner. Before you could answer, your stomach rumbled at the mere thought of getting food in your system which caused Genma, as well as yourself, to laugh. “I’m starving.”
“Wanna grab some lunch with me?” he asked you coolly, hoping you’d say yes before he changed his mind on what he planned to do–– or, more so, say.
“I’d love that.”
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The bustling and lively environment of the village was a stark contrast to the small and almost hole in the wall tea shop you currently sat at. Ironically enough, the empty lounge inside closely resembled the empty feeling that currently resided in your heart. Looking down at the cup in your hand, you slowly circled your index finger around the rim as you stared at the steaming green tea in deep thought. It wasn’t long before you were pulled away from your thoughts by the jonin who invited you out.
“I’m sorry Genma, what did you say?” you asked bashfully, ashamed at the fact that you had been zoning out and not giving him your undivided attention this whole time. You didn’t want to seem rude especially since he probably took time out of his day just to accompany you for a quick lunch. But instead of a scowl, you were met with a comforting smile from the shinobi who sat in the chair across from you.
“Can I ask you something?” he questioned, propping his head up in the palm of his hand while his inquisitive eyes bore into yours.
“You just did, silly.” You chuckled nervously. Genma had always been a very observant person, even knowing more than he led on sometimes. You had a feeling his question would lead into a deep conversation that your social battery could not handle at the moment.
“Okay smart ass, you know that’s not what I meant.” He rolled his eyes playfully as you let out a soft giggle at his remark.
“Is everything okay? I don’t know it’s just, you seem off recently and a lot of us have noticed. We’re genuinely worried about you. Kotetsu, Izumo, Kurenai, Yamato, and even me,” he voiced his concern, reaching over to place his hand on top of yours that was currently holding onto your cup. Though the comforting act was nothing out of the ordinary, the warmth that radiated from the gesture was enough to bring you the slightest feeling of solace.
“Yeah of course everything’s okay, why wouldn’t it be?” you replied, wishing you sounded as confident and convincing as you hoped you did. Whether you were trying to convince yourself or Genma, at this point it didn’t really matter. Truth be told, you weren’t doing well. But was it right for you to even be feeling the way you were? Or was it just a selfish feeling that needed to be pushed away for not only your sake but for that of Kakashi’s too?
“You don’t have to lie, you know.” Genma retracted his hand from yours, the feeling of his warmth leaving your hand as you were met with the coolness of the cup beneath your fingertips once more–– the tea inside long forgotten. He observed your face curiously, trying to read you in hopes of understanding what was going on inside of your head. “I can see it on your face.”
“Am I really that easy to read?” you inquired, pushing your cup aside and adjusting your body to better face Genma. Looking up, you met his gaze and felt a bit flustered at the way he was studying you so intensely. You fidgeted nervously against your seat, feeling almost tiny as you found yourself getting lightheaded from the heat rising to your face.
“No, I just know you well enough to know when something is going on.”
With that statement, you felt your body relax once again and smiled softly realizing he was indeed right. If anyone knew you well enough aside from Kakashi, it was definitely Genma. Though the two of you were on separate squads during your time in the Academy, both of you have always been close and often trained together whenever you found yourselves having free time. It was during that time that you two developed an unbreakable friendship and the bond you shared solidified even more. If you ever needed some advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to you vent, you knew you could always rely on Genma. Likewise, the same could be said for him about you.
“Yeah I guess you’re right about that one huh?” You settled back into your seat comfortably, watching as the waitress came to your table with the check in hand. Placing it on the table, you thanked her and started to reach for the ryō that resided in the smaller pocket of your kunai bag. But before you could take out your share, Genma waved his hand in dismissal, placing the full amount on the tab. You smiled gratefully, hoping this would be the end of today’s little heart-to-heart lunch session and you could avoid addressing the problem at hand.
“C’mon Ace, you know you can’t hide things from me, so spill.” He pushed the check to the side of the booth before placing his elbows on the table and propping his chin on top of his laced hands. You scrunched your nose up at the old nickname he had for you.
“You’re never gonna let that name go are you? It’s okay, keep reminding me about how great I am,” you joked. Maybe engaging in playful banter would get his mind off of prying.
“It’s a term of endearment. Now stop evading and spill.”
Well, looks like I may have spoken too soon, you thought to yourself.
“I don’t know Genma. Thinking about it now, it sounds so selfish of me to even be feeling this way.” You looked down at your hands nervously, hoping that Genma wouldn’t think you were being too clingy or annoying if you did end up expressing your concerns. Even if it has been occupying your mind for quite some time now, you didn’t feel like being ridiculed any time soon.
“It doesn’t matter that it’s selfish if it’s affecting you this way. Your feelings are always going to be valid regardless,” he stated as if you should’ve known this already. Looking at it now, you should’ve. In all your years of friendship, never once has Genma ever judged you nor made you feel like less of a person because of whatever choices you’ve made. But rather, he often indulged in your antics and supported your ideas and choices, even if some were downright crazy and sometimes very questionable.
“It’s Kakashi, isn’t it?” Genma asked after you had stayed quiet for a bit too long. Your face scrunched up in embarrassment, audibly groaning in shame as your hands flew to cover the humiliation you felt.
“See, I told you. It’s stupid and it sounds selfish,” you grumbled, feeling yourself sink into your seat wishing it would swallow you whole to avoid any further shame that could arise from this topic. Tears gathered in your eyes as you felt your bottled emotions getting ready to explode.
“It’s not.” You felt a pair of hands grasp yours and gently pull them away from your face. Your eyes met Genma’s soft ones and a warm smile formed on his face. “There you are,” he voiced before letting your hands go. You felt the urge to reach out and take hold of his hands again, to feel his fingers wrapped around yours once more.
Wait, what?
You shook your head at your absurd thought, wondering where this was possibly coming from.
“Now what’s wrong? Wait, did he do something? Because if he did, Ace I swear I’ll-” You cut him off just as his voice started to rise. Trying to pacify his outburst before he got ahead of himself, you replied, “No, it’s not that. It’s just… he hasn’t been spending as much time with me as he used to y’know?”
Tearing your eyes away from his gaze, you opted to look outside the restaurant. Village life seemed to continue on, regardless of the dread you felt inside— children ran through the streets and other villagers went on about their day. Everyone was able to walk around and enjoy life seemingly carefree because they knew their Hokage would protect them.
“I know he’s busy with being Hokage and all the constant stress and worry about having to protect the village probably gets to him. I get that, I really do but even when he’s with me, I feel like he’s not actually with me.” Though it sucked knowing things were different now that Kakashi had a ton of new responsibilities added to his plate, you still felt a sense of pride at the amazing work he was doing and what he had accomplished so far. If him being able to do his part of protecting the Leaf meant you’d have to sacrifice your time with him, perhaps it was for the best. No matter how much it hurt you that he was growing more and more distant.
“It just feels like we’re stuck in the same routine. Like we’re just going through the motions because it’s all we’ve ever known if that makes sense. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be better off just going our separate ways.” You finished your small rant with a deep sigh. Though the topic was getting pretty heavy, you still felt like some weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. All of the bottled up feelings you had been keeping inside had finally been released and it was relieving. It felt like the first breath of fresh air after holding your breath for longer than you could possibly handle.
“What a shame.” Genma’s voice once again pulled you out of your thoughts. Turning to face him, you gave him a solemn smile.
“What a shame indeed.” You exhaled heavily, your hand reaching up to grasp onto the golden locket clasped against your neck. It was an anniversary present gifted to you by Kakashi that held a picture inside of you two smiling. The picture took place before Kakashi had been appointed with the title of the Sixth Hokage. Though he wasn’t one to make grand, romantic gestures, he truly outdid himself with the way he gifted you this necklace. Because of this, the beautiful memory was one you’d treasure and hold close to your heart forever.
But even if the picture served as a reminder of the happier times you had, it now felt as if it was mocking you. Like the inanimate piece of jewelry was laughing at your miserable state, reminding you that what you once had was now slipping through your fingers no matter how hard you tried to keep it in the palm of your hand. What once was yours now felt out of reach and unobtainable.
Don’t think like that, you tried reasoning with yourself.
“Could’ve been with me instead of what’s his fucking name,” Genma voiced lowly, bringing his drinking glass up to his lips as if trying to shield the words from his mouth. Had you still been thinking about the past, you surely would’ve missed the passive-aggressive declaration.
“I’m sorry, what?” You practically choked out the words, completely taken aback by the bold statement Genma made. He seemed to have a quick mental battle with himself, his lips pursing in contemplation before setting the glass down and meeting your questioning gaze.
“I said, what a shame. Could’ve been with me instead of what’s his name,” he stated without missing a breath. The determination in his voice and in his eyes showcasing that he was being completely serious with his statement.
“What a shame? Genma, where is this coming from?” You laughed nervously, cocking your head to the side in confusion as you tried to register if you had actually heard him correctly. Maybe your stressed-out self was just hearing things.
But throughout your time as friends, Genma wasn’t shy to let it be known whenever he didn’t like someone who you were remotely interested in. He was always quick to point out reasons why it might not work out or things he didn’t particularly like about said person. But when it came to Kakashi, no comments like that were ever made. Could it have been out of respect for the high ranked jonin― you weren’t sure. But what you did want to know was, where are these sudden remarks coming from and why now?
“I think I’ve danced around this for far too long now. It’s a shame hearing you talk about someone who is probably too preoccupied with whatever shit he’s doing right now to even give a damn about where you are or who you’re with.” You felt your heart drop at Genma’s words. Partially because you knew that deep down, his words held some truth to them no matter how much you wanted to deny it. Another part of you didn’t know what to feel aside from the way your heart currently felt like it was going to leap out of your chest.
“And before you try to interrupt me, don’t because you know it’s true.”
“Genma, this is the Hokage you’re talking about. Keep your voice down,” you scolded him as quietly as you could, trying not to draw attention to your conversation with the jonin. The last thing you needed right now was for this to reach the wrong set of ears and eventually get back to Kakashi himself. “Besides, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, thank you,” you replied almost bitterly.
“I’m not saying you can’t take care of yourself because trust me, I know you can. But still, you never know when something could happen. Even if he wasn’t the Hokage, I’d still be saying the same thing because he…” Genma paused mid sentence, his mind racing as he tried to find the proper words to express what he was thinking.
“He doesn’t deserve you.”
Your mind started spinning, his words echoing in your head as if it was on a never ending loop.
He doesn’t deserve you.
That’s not true, you thought to yourself.
“I think you’re being too hard on him Genma.”
“No I’m not. It doesn’t matter what position he holds. Hokage or just another shinobi, if he truly cared he’d make time for you no matter what.” He continued to press, trying his best to get you to see where he was coming from while also trying not to overstep any boundaries. He needed to let you know how he felt, even if you didn’t return the same sentiment. At least he could say he tried and that alone would offer him some sort of solace, despite the possibility of a broken heart.
“He has a whole village to take care of, he’s trying his best.” You rubbed at your temples. The feeling of an upcoming headache making its presence known with the subtle pain already forming. Had you known Genma would have made a big deal out of this, you would’ve kept it to yourself to avoid this conversation.
“Trying his best huh? Tell me, is that good enough for you though?” Your rubbing motion came to a halt at his question. Though it was a simple yes or no question, it really made you stop and think. Maybe that should’ve been your first sign. If you truly knew what you had with Kakashi is what you wanted, the answer would’ve been quick and simple. So why did your heart feel torn between the two different answers?
“I- I don’t know,” you stammered out, your lip quivering as the question repeated itself in your head.
Why don’t I know?
“Look Ace, I don’t mean to sound like a dick and I’m sorry if I’m coming off too strong. But know I mean it when I say this.” Genma reached across the table to take hold of your hands gently. Immediately you noticed how his larger hands enveloped your smaller ones, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on the back of yours. Your heartbeat sped up and you hoped that Genma didn’t hear the way your breath seemed to get caught in your throat.
Why am I feeling this way? Why does this feel… right?
“If you were with me, you’d never have to question my feelings for you. I’d do everything I could to remind you every day how much you mean to me and how much you’re appreciated. I promise you, I’d love you to the best of my abilities. Because that is what you deserve.” He searched your eyes almost pleadingly, wishing and hoping with everything he had in him that you finally understood how much he cared for you. How much he loved you.
“Since when Genma?” That was all you could manage to let out after his newfound confession. He sighed disheartedly, releasing your hands from his grasp as he leaned back in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest. The small act seemed as if he was shielding his heart from something— or in this case, from you.
“Do you remember when we first met at the Academy?” You laughed genuinely at this question. The story of your first meeting being one of your favorites to tell, especially when people ask you both how long you’ve known each other.
You nodded in response, “Of course I do. I nearly killed you.”
Genma let out a hearty laugh at this. “Yeah, you almost did. Twelve years old and you already had the aim of a veteran assassin. You were practically an ace, which is why I think Ace is such a fitting nickname.” He smiled fondly at you, making you laugh softly and recall how confused you were when he first called you that.
“You were always excelling in everything, especially with that deadly precision when it came to your kunais. I expected nothing less from the top kunoichi in our class ” His compliment filled you with a sense of pride, making your inner twelve-year-old self beam at the praise and recognition.
“I’m glad Guy dared me to run in front of the target to see if I’d distract you and throw you off your game. If he didn’t, we probably would’ve never been friends.” He sighed happily. If someone were to describe the look on his face right now, the only accurate thing to say was that he looked absolutely lovestruck. The look of awe on his face subtly giving away just how much he candidly adored you.
“You dumbasses.” You chuckled at the memory, remembering how you were so scared that you almost injured the boy you were silently smitten with from afar. You scolded Genma back then for rushing in front of your target while you were throwing kunais and Guy for daring him to do so. Something about it having to do with the ‘power of youth’ as Guy exclaimed enthusiastically.
“I guess I kinda just knew after that.” He shrugged nonchalantly, switching the senbon in his mouth from side to side as he played with it absentmindedly.
“All these years?” you whispered in disbelief–– more so to yourself, shocked that your feelings were reciprocated all this time and you never had a clue. It wasn’t as if it was just five years ago but it was well over a decade ago now. You were just kids back then in the academy after all.
“Yeah, but who’s counting anyway right?” He chuckled almost sadly. It was completely heart-wrenching to see the sad look on his face. He pushed aside his feelings for the sake of your happiness all this time and you didn’t know. What did that say about you as a friend?
“And you still feel this way? After all that time?” you asked almost hopefully. You pondered if it was wrong of you to hope he still truly felt that way. Did that make you selfish? Did it make you a bad person?
“For you, I’d wait forever,” Genma answered genuinely, a bashful smile gracing his face which caught you off guard. It was a bit off-putting yet incredibly cute considering you hardly ever saw him lose his confident and cool composure. Though your mind was currently buzzing with all this newfound information, there was still something that was gnawing at you in the back of your mind.
“But, why now?”
“Someone beat me to it before I had the chance back then. And you were happy so who was I to try and get in the way of that?” There it was again. Genma’s selfless tendency to put your happiness before his own at the drop of a hat. The thought of him prioritizing your feelings made your heart soar. It did feel nice to be put first every once in a while, something you haven’t experienced that often in the past few months.
“You idiot.”
“Hey now, that’s not very nice. I’m pouring my heart out and you’re calling me names. Classy.” He scoffed playfully, a hint of a smile showing he didn’t mean it in an offensive manner at all. This trait of Genma’s was just one of many you had grown to admire about him over the years. The ability to make even the toughest of situations into a light hearted and comfortable atmosphere.
Your hands started to reach for his on their own accord. “Listen Genma, I have to tell you something. I-”
“There you guys are. It’s been a drag trying to find the both of you.” You snapped your hands back to your side, your heart pounding from being startled by an extra voice. Turning to see who it belonged to, you met eyes with a certain member from the Nara Clan.
“Shikamaru, uh I don’t mean to be rude but why are you here? Wait, is everything okay?” you asked in concern. Considering Shikamaru was one of Kakashi’s most trusted advisors, him going out of his way to find you was a bit alarming.
“Yeah everything’s fine. The Hokage just asked me to come find you guys. He wants to speak to you both in his office.” He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. But while he seemed to be bored having this conversation, your mind was reeling as you felt a sense of dread fill your body. Kakashi wanted to see you and Genma? But for what and why now? There’s no possible way he already knew, could he?
“Do you happen to know about what?” Genma inquired coolly, thinking nothing of it. You on the other hand felt like you were about to spiral from guilt. Maybe this lunch was a mistake and you should’ve just kept your feelings and thoughts to yourself.
“Not sure. He just asked me to find you guys and send you over so that’s what I’m doing.”
You processed his words and gave him a nod in reply. “Alright, thanks Shikamaru. We’ll be right over.” He nodded curtly in response, giving you a quick wave before he headed out. “Catch you guys later.”
After Shikamaru was out of hearing distance, you turned to Genma in alarm. “Oh my, he knows. Of course he knows, he’s the damn Hokage,” you whispered the last part to yourself, getting lost in your thoughts.
“Ace, you need to calm down. It’s probably nothing.” Genma shrugged his shoulders, standing up from his seat and reaching over to grab your grocery bag in his arms. You scoffed lowly at his remark, crossing your arms like a stubborn child and glanced at him incredulously as you watched him gather your things.
“So it’s just a coincidence that he wants to see us in his office? Both of us? At the same time?”
“I think you’re overthinking this,” he huffed, trying his best to hold in a laugh at how cute you looked with your arms crossed and that adorable stubborn look on your face. He placed his hand gently on your shoulder and ushered you out of your seat, following behind you as you headed for the exit of the tea shop. You stopped right before the door and turned to look at him suspiciously. “Why are you so calm?”
“Because nothing happened. Now stop worrying your pretty little head and let’s get going.”
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You made a quick stop back at your house in order to drop off the groceries you had bought earlier in the day. For starters, there was no need to be hauling around the already thin paper bag around the entire village. Secondly, you needed a quick breather to gather your thoughts before you and Genma had to meet up with the Hokage as requested. Genma tried his best to calm you down on the walk to and from your home but all you could think about was future conversation to be held within the doors of Kakashi’s office. Could it just be a coincidence that he wanted to see you both after all?
The walk to the Hokage’s was anything but cheerful. Well from your perspective at least. For some reason, it looked as if Genma had a smug grin on his face–– it irked you in a way. How could he be so relaxed while you were a nervous wreck on both the inside and outside? It almost made you want to scold him and tell him to wipe the stupid look off of his face. But you held yourself back and instead, kept moving forward. Your steps fell in sync with his and all that was heard was the crunching of gravel underneath your sandals.
Once you made your way into the main building, you ascended the familiar stairway. The uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach was growing larger with every step you took and you soon found yourself face to face with the green double doors of the Hokage’s office. You stared at the red accents in anticipation, taking deep breaths as you tried to calm your racing mind. Breathe in and breathe out, one. Breathe in and breathe out, two. Breathe in and breathe-
“Remember when Lady Tsunade threw her chair out of the office at Naruto but it ended up hitting Izumo in the head?” Genma broke the silence as he laughed from the sudden memory. You chuckled a bit too, recalling how Izumo made an absolute fuss about not wanting to go down to the infirmary to get it checked out despite the huge bump forming on his head.
You smiled softly, the memory of your friend’s mishap easing your nerves just the slightest bit. “Poor thing handled it like a champ and brought the chair back to her office.” Turning to face Genma, you found him already facing your way. He reached out and took a hold of your chin gently with his thumb and index finger, tilting it up slightly so you were looking at him.
“Relax Ace, there’s nothing to worry about. Okay?” He gave you a reassuring smile to which you nodded. He released his hold on your chin, playfully tapping it before placing his hand back to his side.
“Ready?”
“Yup,” you answered back as you brought your knuckles up to the double doors. Your hand met the red-accented paint on the door with a quick knock and it wasn’t long before a response was given from the other side. “Come in.”
You placed your hand on the golden handle, pushing it forward as you slipped inside with Genma following suit behind you. Kakashi was seated before you both, a look of concentration on his face as he skimmed back and forth through a pile of scrolls that were scattered over the smooth surface of the desk.
“You wanted to see us Kakashi?” you voiced nervously, fidgeting with your hands behind your back as you stood in front of his desk with Genma to your left. Kakashi looked up from a scroll he was holding in his hands, nodding before he placed it down on his desk and looked at you both. You frowned softly as you took in the dark circles that were forming underneath his eyes.
When was the last time he slept?
“I have a mission for you.” You glanced over at Genma before turning back to Kakashi, pointing back and forth between you and the jonin next to you. “For both Genma and I?”
“Yes, the Hidden Glacier Village in the Land of Ice has asked for our help in guarding the Korikage as they meet with a neighboring village to sign a peace treaty. I trust that you both can ensure the Korikage’s safety,” Kakashi spoke as he grabbed a brush pen, dipped it into the black ink and signed what you assumed was the mission request form. Stepping forward, you took the scroll in your hands gently, waiting for the ink to dry.
“The Hidden Glacier Village? Why didn’t they just ask a neighboring village to help out instead of us?” you inquired while scanning over the scroll, taking in all the details listed on the form as well as the possible routes you’d be taking on the mission.
Kakashi sighed, the tiredness evident in his voice and face as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. You wanted so badly to coax him into leaving behind his Hokage duties for the day and opt to spend the day with you in bed instead. How your hands itched to rake through his soft tufts of hair while holding him close to your chest, soft snores escaping his mouth as he finally caught up on his sleep. But you knew he’d turn down the offer in order to finish all the paperwork needed–– the rejection only pushed your sadness further.
“We’re in the process of forming an alliance with them ourselves. Helping out with this mission and ensuring all goes well is a great way to show we can be trusted. So, do you accept?”
“Of course, we accept. When do we leave?” Genma asked from beside you, glancing over your shoulder to try and get a glimpse at the mission details.
Kakashi glanced behind you both, staring at the clock that sat just atop his office entrance as the clock hands ticked by. “As soon as possible, preferably within the hour.”
“Sounds good. Is there anything we need to know about the mission? Or why Genma and I were chosen for this?” You passed the form to Genma who took it eagerly to get a proper look at the routing options as well.
“Well they actually asked for you specifically due to your excellent notability in both ninjutsu and taijutsu.” Your heart swelled with pride at the praise coming from the man in front of you as well as the approval from a different nation. Though you knew you were nothing short of a skilled shinobi, the validation of your skills gave you joy in knowing all the training and hard work had paid off.
“So then why is Genma coming? No offense.” You gestured to the ninja beside you who seemed way too invested in the scroll to even care about your quippy remark.
He waved his hand towards you in dismissal, his concentration ceasing to break. “None taken.”
You almost laughed at his look of pure focus and how tiny mumbles slipped past his lips as his eyes roamed over the details again and again.
“I figured it’s best for you to travel with someone you trust and who’s skills complement your own,” Kakashi stated, placing his elbows on his desk while lacing his hands together to rest his chin atop them as he stared at you blankly.
You shuffled on your feet nervously. “I see, is there anything else?” you inquired, hoping he’d ask to speak with you privately. The time spent apart from him made you crave his presence now that he was here in front of you, even if it was just for a few seconds–– at this point, anything was better than nothing.
“No, that is all. You’re free to go.” Kakashi’s eyes returned to the papers littered across his desk, a passive look on his face as he sifted through the multiple documents in disinterest. You frowned at the lack of interaction and acknowledgement from your boyfriend, opting to take matters into your own hands since it seemed like he wouldn’t.
“Hey Genma, I’ll meet you at the gates in an hour, yeah?” You glanced over at him, waiting for his confirmation as he finished up rolling the end of the scroll.
“Are you sure?” Genma asked skeptically, reaching his hand out to you as if silently asking what you were up to. But you just nodded and smiled in response. Unbeknownst to the two of you, Kakashi studied you both with a questioning look of his own. A slight scowl formed underneath his mask as he took in how close Genma’s hand was to wrapping around your own.
Genma halted his movement and retracted his hand to his side before it made contact, almost as if he sensed Kakashi’s glare boring holes into the back of his skull. “Okay well let me know if you need anything, alright?”
You nodded in acknowledgement once more, keeping a smile on your face as you tried to pacify your nerves. “Will do, thank you.”
He waved at you before taking his leave and shutting the door behind him softly. You turned to face Kakashi who was nose-buried in the scrolls once again.
“Kakashi, can I actually talk to you for a bit? I’ll make it quick.”
“Uhm, I’m a little busy at the moment. Can it wait until after your mission?” He kept his head lowered, gaze never leaving the scrolls and that annoyed you. You wondered what could have possibly been so interesting that he couldn’t even spare you a simple glance when talking to you.
“Are you kidding? And what if something happens? What then?” You crossed your arms in annoyance, feeling all of the pent up frustration and sadness that has been bubbling within your chest getting ready to explode.
Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed exasperatedly, “Gods, why would you even say that?”
“Because you never know, Kakashi! You never know! I hardly know what goes on with you since you’re always cooped up in here. When was the last time you slept? Like actually slept? Or even eaten for that matter?”
“I think I ate last night? Or was it last morning?” Kakashi mumbled, standing up and sauntering over to the side of his desk to pick up a few scattered books. He paused briefly in thought before nodding in confirmation, “Sometime yesterday-”
“See, that’s my point exactly. You hardly know what goes on in your life either because you’re so wrapped in all of this. You need to take care of yourself-” You were cut off by the sound of the books slamming against the desk, the noise making you flinch as it reverberated around the room.
Kakashi stared at you blankly, his face devoid of any emotion.“No, what I need right now is for you to stop nagging at me. Gods, do you ever stop? You wonder why I spend all my time here when the answer’s right in front of you. You’re the reason why.” His patronizing tone caught you off guard as he has never spoken to you in this manner.
“I don’t understand, what do you mean by that?” you asked slowly, your thoughts clouded with confusion as you tried to understand what he was saying. To your surprise, you were met with a dry and condescending laugh.
“Oh don’t act so surprised. It seems like nagging is all you do nowadays. ‘Kakashi this’ and ‘Kakashi that’. Don’t you understand that sometimes all I want when I go home is quiet? I get enough complaining here from everybody else and now I have to hear it from you too?”
You were stunned and at a loss for words. Looking back at the time you spent with him after he became Hokage, you never would have thought he’d classify it as you nagging and bothering him. You just wanted to make sure he was resting, eating, and taking care of himself properly. All you wanted was the best for him then and even now.
The last thing you wanted was to not be a safe place for Kakashi where felt he couldn’t talk to you properly. “You know that’s not my intention. I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, that's all,” you sighed in self-disappointment.
“If I can take care of an entire village, I’m pretty sure I can take care of my damn self.” Kakashi chuckled bitterly.
Your patience was running thin but you knew if you lost it, this conversation would become heated and you would get nowhere. Taking in a deep breath, you planned your next words carefully.
“And I know that, Kashi, I really do. I understand you have a lot on your plate.” You sympathized.
“No, you don’t understand and you never will. You’re not the one who’s sitting in that damned chair making all these choices, you’re not the one who’s stressed out, and you sure as hell cannot help.” Kakashi’s voice grew louder with each word he spoke,
“I can’t help because you won’t let me. Look, just come back home with me and take a day off. I can find someone to cover my mission.” You offered, wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep. You were spent from today’s event, tired of this conversation, and tired of these feelings you’ve been bottling up for what felt like an eternity.
“You hardly spend time with me anymore anyways and I think this will help-”
“Are you actually so self-absorbed to think that you’re more important than the village? Or are you just upset that you’re not getting all the attention you’re used to?” He stood in front of you, looking down at you the way one would look at someone inferior. The action made you feel small and helpless like the way a wounded animal would cower into a corner when confronted by their prey. You hated this feeling and would do anything to escape but your feet stood frozen in their place.
“No, you know that’s not true. Come on, you’re tired and need sleep. Let’s go home,” you pleaded helplessly. You were trying your hardest to maintain your composure to get your point across yet the tears seemed to find their way to the corner of your eyes regardless. You reached a hand out towards Kakashi’s but he just shook his head and stepped away from you.
“You just don’t get it do you? I don’t want to go home with you. Right now, the safety of this village is my priority and way more important to me than your clingy and selfish needs.” Kakashi was breathing heavy by the end of his sentence and all you could do was nod slowly as his words sunk deeper into your heart. With every passing second, the weight of his words hurt more than any cut a kunai has ever inflicted on your body.
“I see,” you whispered, hurt from the words that spilled like venom from Kakashi’s lips. You wiped furiously at your eyes, refusing to let any more tears spill because of him. His face softened as everything he said to you came back to hit him with full force.
“Baby, no. I didn’t mean any of what I said. I’ve just been so stressed-” He stepped forward, cautiously reaching his hand out towards yours as an attempt to coax you into a hug. All he wanted was to take back everything he said and forget this happened as he showered you in kisses and apologies. But that didn’t happen. Instead his heart broke as he watched you shake your head and take a step back, putting space between the both of you as if to protect yourself.
“You wouldn't have said it if it wasn’t even the slightest bit true. You meant every word.” You wrapped your arms around yourself, the gesture making it seem as if you were protecting yourself from him and that shattered his heart to pieces. He promised himself he’d never hurt you. Yet, here you are and you can’t even look him in the eye. “I swear I didn’t-”
Putting one hand up as if to silence him, you shook your head.
“Uhm, I have to go get ready for my mission. Genma’s gotta be waiting for me by now.” You wiped the last bit of tears from your eyes, wanting to get rid of any evidence that would show you had cried before you met with Genma at the gates.
“Please, just let me explain-” He tried once more but you cut him off before he could finish. Your mind was racing a mile a minute and your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest. Your fight or flight instincts were kicking in and right now, all you wanted to do was run.
“I think you’ve said enough. I need time to think and this mission will give me just that.”
You took his silence as your cue to leave, turning on your heel to make your way to the double doors at the entrance of his office. Your fingers reached for the handle, gently swinging it open so you could slip through. But you stopped before you could, resting your palm against the frame as you thought over your next words.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you right now but all I know is you need to get your shit together. This isn’t fair to me and I don’t deserve this. Maybe space is the best thing for us right now. That way you can get your ‘priorities’ in check.” Your words were laced with venom, seizing the opportunity to throw his earlier use of ‘priorities’ back in his face. Oh how you wished to see the effect your words had on him. But you wouldn’t give him the privilege of letting him see the small look of pity you held behind your eyes if you turned around. Though if you had, you would’ve seen the way his eyes watered at your words, a single tear drop running down his scarred cheek.
“Please don’t do anything irrational or put yourself in danger. Just… be careful. That’s all I’m asking,” he pleaded, willing his voice to sound steady instead of the wavering mess he was trying to hide. He had no right to cry, not after all the hurtful things he said to you.
“Always am. Not that you’d care anyway,” you mumbled the last part to yourself, hoping the door would shut behind you as a way to close out your parting words. Unfortunately,
Kakashi sighed in frustration, glaring at the green double doors as if they’d suddenly become transparent enough so he could see your retreating figure.
“I care more than you think.”
He sat himself back down in his chair, tilting his head back to lean against the headrest of his chair. The dull ceiling stared back at him tauntingly as he replayed everything he said to you. Each word felt like a kunai being plunged into his chest.
You fucked up big time dumbass, he thought to himself.
☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆
As soon as you stepped foot outside, you were quick to notice the sudden change in weather. It puzzled you how quickly it changed from beautiful and sunny to gloomy with a light drizzle. You scowled at the sky, silently cursing at it for dampening not only your hair but your mood even further.
Your clothes were starting to cling to your body due to the humidity in the air and to say it felt disgusting was an understatement. The trip to the Land of Ice was going to be a gross one, if the weather continued this way, and you were not looking forward to that.
You rushed home as quickly as you could, wanting nothing more than to rid yourself of the wet clothes that were currently stuck to your body like a second skin. On the way there, you made a mental checklist of the things you’d need to pack. Bag, ryō, basic essentials, bed roll, and food. Those items were your main priorities and you’d add as you go along if needed. You repeated those items in your head as to not forget, making the trip back home seem a lot quicker.
As you entered your home, you were careful to not leave wet puddles in your wake on the way to your room. Quickly stripping yourself of your wet clothes, you slipped on comfortable clothes that were suitable for your travel and for the Land of Ice. You glanced at the clock on your nightstand to see how much time you had left, cursing as you noticed you were cutting it close and had just under 10 minutes to get to the gate.
“I should’ve just used a teleportation jutsu to get home,” you mumbled to yourself, rushing to grab everything you needed and shoving it into your shoulder bag. Turning to your closet, you grabbed your green flak vest along with a bed roll that sat on a top shelf. You slipped on your jacket, quickly zipping it up before securing the bed roll around your waist to rest against your lower back. Your headband was still in place so all you had left was your pouch and your kunai holster. Gathering those in your hands, you tie them in their respective spots and grab your backpack. Lastly, you grabbed your rain cloak and wrapped it around your body.
You glimpsed at the clock once more, noting you had about a minute before the meeting time. If you walked, you wouldn't be able to make it on time and Genma would poke fun at you for your punctuality–– as if he wasn’t late himself numerous times before.
“Transportation jutsu it is.” You formed the hand seal in front of you quickly, the last thing you saw being a puff of smoke before it cleared and you were at your destination.
“And here I was just about to leave you.” Genma chuckled, the hood of his rain cloak shielding part of his face from the light rain yet you could still make out a hint of his smile. You found yourself smiling subconsciously from the sight alone.
“Let’s not act like you haven't kept me waiting before.” You laughed, heading over to the gate where Kotetsu and Izumo sat at their post. If you had stayed where you were, you would’ve heard the soft ‘not as long as I’ve been waiting’ Genma whispered underneath his breath in a lighthearted manner.
You offered your friends a warm greeting, smiling at the enthusiasm they gave you in return which did well in quelling your emotions from today’s conversation with Kakashi. Leave it to them to make you feel better instantly, even when it came to their friendly banter with you or just with each other.
“Heard you got stuck on a mission with this blockhead.” Izumo smirked, motioning towards Genma who scoffed a quick ‘shut up’ as he made his way over to where you all stood. You giggled and patted his shoulder in mocking comfort, “Unfortunately, Hokage’s orders.”
Genma swatted your hand away jokingly yet the gleam in his eyes never left as he smiled at you. “Whatever, you know you’re secretly excited.”
“Mhm, keep telling yourself that.” You rolled your eyes playfully, pulling the hood of his cloak over his head to hide the rest of his face. The two chunin in front of you looked at each other with knowing smirks before turning to you with amused smiles on their faces.
“Anyway,” you let go of the cloak as Genma moved to fix it, “I just wanted to say hey before Genma and I took off. We should all hangout when we get back, just like old times, yeah?” you asked them hopefully. Before missions started to pick up due to the lack of personnel, you and your friends made it a point to go out and spend time with each other as a way to unwind. These outings could range anywhere from a casual movie night to going out for a drink. One of your favorite memories actually happened because of these regular happenings. Said memory included karaoke with yourself, Yamato, and Kakashi–– who only got up there with some convincing and a lot of sake.
The two guards beamed at each other before nodding at you in response to your invitation. “Is that even a question? Hell yeah!” Izumo responded excitedly, earning a ‘yay’ in celebration from you.
“I’m down for that, as long as Genma buys our first round.” Kotetsu rested his chin atop his hand, wiggling his eyebrows and grinning smugly at the jonin next to you who returned a side-eye glare.
Genma chuckled dryly, “I’ll think about it, free-loaders.” You all laughed as Kotetsu put a hand to his heart dramatically, acting as if he was just punched. You shook your head with a smile at their shenanigans, thinking to yourself how grateful you were to have friends like these in your life.
“Alright well, see you guys later.” You beamed at them, waving your goodbyes as Genma mirrored your actions beside you before placing his hand on your shoulder in a comforting manner.
“Be safe! Take care of one another,” Izumo called out from behind you. Genma retracted his hand from your shoulder to give them a quick thumbs up.
“Always do,” he shouted back. You didn’t miss the way he moved to put his hand back on your shoulder before dropping it back to his side.
You both walked over to the gate which was only a few steps away from where Kotetsu and Izumo were. You quickly patted down your weapons pouch and backpack to make sure you had everything you needed before you left. “I’m ready to-”
“Hey, look at that!” Genma cut you off excitedly, pointing to something behind you. You followed his finger to the direction he was pointing at and smiled softly, “Dandelions.”
Dandelions in all stages were blooming beautifully at the foot of the village gate. Small patches of yellow budding dandelions were mixed in with the fully bloomed white ones. The sight was lovely and it filled you with a sense of nostalgia. Flashes of your younger self playing in a field of dandelions along with Genma filled your mind, the fond memories making you feel warm inside. “They look beautiful.”
You turned to face Genma and found him standing in front of you with a white dandelion in each hand. He twirled the small weed in his hand tenderly before outstretching his right arm towards you, urging you to take it in your own hand.
Staring at him questioningly, you reached forward and took the dandelion delicately, making sure the white fluffies didn’t fall off.
“Make a wish.”
You arched your eyebrows at the brunette in front of you. “Really, Gen? We haven’t done that in years.” You examined the small weed in your hand carefully. Glancing up at Genma, he offered you a small grin as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
“Kinda sad, huh? We used to do it all the time, wonder what happened.” Deep down he knew the day would come when the time he spent with you would slowly start becoming less and less. You were no longer children who could afford to spend days frolicking in empty fields, hiding from your senseis for a chance to commit some mischievous pranks here and there.
“Maybe more important things to do than play in a field of dandelions.” You were right of course. He had his share of missions to go on along with other duties, like occasionally proctoring the chunin exams. You also had your own life consisting of back-to-back missions and a partner who loves you–– a partner who was unfortunately not him.
He sighed to himself sadly. “Fair enough. How about one more time, for old time’s sake?”
You couldn’t deny that this little gesture made you happy, a sense of jovial youth you hadn’t felt in a while filling you inside. You looked at the dandelion in your hand once more and smiled, “Fine.”
“On the count of three, ready?” he asked, stepping towards you so you both were facing each other with the dandelions held in front of you.
“Ready,” you responded, closing your eyes as you gathered the words for your wish in your head.
“One,” Genma started and you followed suit, “Two.”
“Three,” you both said at the same time before blowing at the fluffies.
Tell me where my heart should go.
You opened your eyes and watched as the seeds from your dandelion mixed with the ones from Genma’s in the air before floating away. The light breeze twirled them around softly, making it seem almost as if they were dancing with each other. You glanced at Genma from the corner of your eye and noticed his eyes were closed. His eyebrows were scrunched, indicating he was concentrating hard on something. Curiosity got the best of you and you broke the silence.
“What did you wish for?” In all the years that you’ve spent time playing in fields of dandelions and making wishes with Genma, you never quite figured out what exactly it was he would wish for.
“You know you can’t ask that silly. Then it won’t come true,” he replied before opening his eyes. He kept his focus on the white specs that drifted further and further away until they were no longer visible then turned to you. “But if you must know, I wished for the same thing as always.”
That you’ll be mine, he thought to himself.
“Right,” you replied with slight disappointment. You weren’t sure why you thought his reply would be different years later when it came to revealing his wish. If he had asked you, you would’ve replied with the same response saying it wouldn’t come true if you disclosed it.
Genma hated having to keep things from you considering you were his best friend and most trusted confidante. But this was one thing he’d keep to himself out of embarrassment. Though he had made his feelings known to you hours prior, something about making it known aloud that he had been wishing for his feelings to be reciprocated all these years through a childish action made him feel sheepish. Perhaps one day he’d reveal his wishes to you–– maybe, if his wish came true.
He shook his head, doing his best to push those thoughts aside. He couldn’t afford to be sidetracked while on this mission, especially when you were with him. This mission, as well as you and your safety, deserved his full attention without any distractions or personal feelings getting in the way.
“Ready to go?” he asked to which you nodded in reply, gripping your cloak closer to your body as the breeze picked up.
“Let’s do this,” you answered, taking off under the cover of the trees with Genma right behind you.
Unbeknownst to you, Kakashi watched from afar as both you and Genma’s figures disappeared into the forest beyond Konoha’s gates. All he felt was regret as he replayed the words he said and the way you looked at him before you left. Even then, he had to make sure your departure went smoothly. Which is why he stood where he was now, atop the roof of the Hokage’s building.
“Take care of her for me Genma.”
He sighed to himself in despair before turning to head back into his office. His mind swirled with thoughts but one thing he knew for sure, was that he had to come up with one hell of an apology for you to even consider forgiving him.
Once again, you fucked up big time dumbass.