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The night air was chilly on the top deck of The Revenge. The whole crew was assembled, telling stories, drinking beer, and having a jolly good time, if Stede said so himself. Stede stood apart from the bunch, clutching his drink and smiling at the joyous scene in front of him. His eyes land on Ed, as they often do, and he can’t help but feel butterflies in his stomach. Ever since he came back on board after he and Ed’s unfortunate separation, he has been desperate to prove to Ed that he will never leave him again. Stede knows it will be difficult to regain Ed’s full trust, but goddamnit he would rather spend every day of his life trying to prove that to him over the pain of being apart from his beloved. Stede thinks that they are finally starting to regain that sort of trust once more. Ed has been increasingly vulnerable with him over the past few months, but still, Stede feels that he is guarding some small parts of himself. Parts that he’s afraid of Stede seeing. Stede doesn’t want to push him, although nothing Ed could tell him would make Stede love him less. Stede just wishes Ed would let him in entirely, but he knows that complete vulnerability is not something Ed is very practiced in. Still, he wishes to know every part of Ed. Stede thinks they are getting there.
After being lost in his own thoughts for a few moments, Stede looks back at the rowdy crew a bit away. He sees them all a bit quieter than when he last paid attention. They are all huddled in a circle with Buttons atop a barrel and appear to be engrossed in a story. Suddenly, Stede hears Buttons mumble something about the Kraken. Next thing he knows, Ed’s face falls and his breaths quicken. His face goes white.
“I’m going to head to the loo,” Ed creaks out before practically running down below deck.
Stede feels his heart sink into his throat and rushes after Ed. He hears Ed sprint into their room and hastily shut the door. He can hear terrified noises coming from Ed. Stede’s heart begins beating a mile a minute.
Gently, he opens the door. The sight in front of him is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing Stede has ever witnessed in his life. He sees Ed hunched over in the corner of their bedroom. Ed is in the fetal position, loudly crying, gasping for breath. Stede has seen Ed’s panic attacks before, and they’ve never been quite this bad. Stede’s intense desire to soothe Ed overtakes any lingering fear of invading his privacy.
He walks over to where Ed is weeping and crouches down. Ed cannot catch his breath because of how hard he’s wheezing. Stede puts his hands on Ed’s shoulders and pulls him upright into a sitting position.
“Ed, I need you to breathe. Please. You’re going to faint if you don’t.”
Ed looks at Stede with terrified eyes, tears slicking his beautiful face. He tries to say something to Stede, but a croak escapes his lips instead.
“Here, love. Put your hand on my stomach. Breathe deeply, like this. In, and out.”
Ed complies and looks Stede in the eyes. A gasp of air fills his lungs and he finally breathes once again, only now the breath makes his crying even louder. Stede wracks his brain for something that can soothe Ed and calm him down from this distressed state. He quickly decides that touch will be the most comforting for Ed. It’s worked in the past to talk Ed out of anger and to help him fall asleep, so why not now? Stede touches the sides of Ed’s face.
“Ed, darling, I’m going to help you up onto the bed so we can lay down.”
Stede begins to stand so he can hoist Ed up and over a few feet. Immediately Ed looks at him with terrified, bewildered eyes, and yells a harsh “No!”. Stede instinctively understands. Ed in his panicked state thinks Stede is leaving.
“My love, I’m not leaving. I’m just going to help you up, okay?”
Ed gives Stede a quick nod, still loudly sobbing all the while. Stede has seen Ed upset before, especially after he came back aboard The Revenge and he and Ed had to work through the trauma of their separation together. But right now Ed is almost childlike — practically inconsolable. And Stede needs to soothe him as badly as he needs air to breathe.
Stede hoists Ed up with a swift motion. Ed collapses into him, putting his head on Stede’s chest and loosely wrapping his arms around Stede’s body. Stede carries him over to their bed and sets Ed down on his lap. Ed immediately clings to Stede and cries brokenheartedly. Stede begins to touch Ed everywhere he can. He settles with putting one hand in Ed’s hair and the other on his back, gently stroking it. In a split second something changes in Ed. Stede feels him relax slightly into his arms. Stede continues the caresses. Ed seems to be comforted by this back rubbing. Ed is still crying, but less intensely. At this rate he won’t become terribly dehydrated. Stede has an idea — something that comforted his children whenever they had nightmares. Stede takes the back of Ed’s shirt and pulls it up, exposing the soft skin below. He resumes the caressing, scratching lightly and rubbing firmly. Ed sinks even further into his grip and lets out a small sigh.
“How’s that, darling?” Stede asks.
“Good,” Ed squeaks, his voice still full of tears and anguish.
Stede is surprised by how easily this action has been able to calm Ed down. He has never seen Ed so upset before, but previous experience with Ed’s panic attacks have proven that Ed takes much longer than this to calm down. Stede’s face forms a small smile as he realizes how comforting this is for Ed. Ed lifts his face from Stede’s shoulder, tears shining in his warm brown eyes.
“Stede,” he says, chin trembling.
“Hmm?” Stede answers.
“I need to feel you. All of you. Please. I just need to be held and feel you.”
Stede’s heart aches for Ed. And of course, he knows exactly what Ed needs. Ed isn’t looking for sex. Ed just wants to feel Stede’s skin underneath him, feel the warmth of his touch against his bare skin.
“Of course, my love. Of course.”
Stede kisses each of Ed’s cheeks and begins to undress him as tenderly as a baby. He pulls Ed’s shirt above his head and discards it on the floor. He lifts Ed off of his lap and lays him across the bed, unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down his legs. Stede quickly gets out of his clothes and gets right back in bed with Ed.
Ed reaches out his hand towards Stede. Stede takes it in his, and looks into Ed’s eyes as he kisses every finger. Stede lays back on the large pile of pillows at the head of their bed and pulls Ed to him, guiding Ed’s head towards his chest with a gentle hand. Stede touches Ed everywhere he can, hoping to convey his love for Ed through his fingertips.
“It’s okay, Ed. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay,” Stede whispers to Ed. Ed’s sobs have turned into a slowly-moving river of tears on his face. Ed sniffs and settles into Stede’s chest, putting his ear right above Stede’s heartbeat. Stede can’t help but think that this is the most comfort Ed has ever allowed Stede to give him. After a few minutes of laying quietly together, skin pressed to each other, Stede breaks the silence.
“Are you feeling better, darling?”
Ed doesn’t answer and instead buries his face even deeper into Stede’s chest.
“Darling? What’s wrong? You can tell me anything. You’re safe with me, my love.”
Ed lets out a pitiful little cry. Stede holds him a little tighter. Ed takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to explain.
“Thank you, Stede, for helping me like this. I’m so sorry I brought it on you. We were having a perfectly lovely night and I just — I ruined it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have cried into you and sought your comfort like a small child running to his mother.”
Ed appears incredibly ashamed. Stede doubts Ed’s ever allowed someone to comfort him like this before. The thought makes Stede hurt inside, so he pushes it away for the moment. He palms Ed’s cheek with his hand and wipes a tear away. The pair lock eyes.
“You have nothing to apologize for, my love,” Stede soothes. “Absolutely nothing. I love you as you are — Blackbeard and young Ed in need of comfort alike. You are so dear to me, Ed. All I desire is for you to feel safe and loved. And as long as I am providing that, I am content to be whatever and whomever you need.”
Ed lets the words sink in and his face falls again as another round of cries wrack his body.
“Oh, darling. It’s okay,” Stede whispers. “I love you.”
Ed looks up at him with the most loving eyes. “I love you, too.”
The pair lie there together, holding each other close, until Ed breaks the silence once more.
“I haven’t been comforted like this since I was a child.”
“Hmm?” Stede says, looking down at Ed.
“No one has comforted me so well since I was very young.”
Stede’s heart aches for Ed. Ed has gone without love for so long, and Stede wants to make sure Ed never is without it ever again. Stede cards his hands through Ed’s locks.
“Do you want to tell me about it? Your childhood? I gather you went through a lot, but I’m sure there were some moments you look back on fondly.”
“Yeah,” Ed replies. He looks up at Stede, locking eyes. “Can I tell you about my mother?”
Stede’s heart grows tenfold at the vulnerability Ed is showing.
“Of course.” Stede kisses the top of Ed’s head and moves them to a lying down position.
Ed sighs, and then begins to talk.
“Buttons mentioned the Kraken and I just lost it. It brought me back to my childhood when my father was abusing my mother and me. My mother and I loved each other deeply, but were afraid to show it when my father was around. If my father saw us displaying any sort of affection or care, he would beat us both. But my mother and I loved each other just the same. Sometimes, when my father was away for a few weeks at sea or traveling to some farther lands for trade, my mother and I would be able to love each other freely, recklessly, without fear. During those nights, I would climb into bed with her, laying in the spot my father usually occupied. These nights were maybe the most treasured memories I have of my childhood. A lot of it was dark, but my mother’s love kept me alive. We drew so much comfort from each other. My mother was the only person I felt safe with. On those nights, when it was just us, we would hold each other close. I would cling to her and she would hold me tight. And I would bury my face in her chest and hold tight to her nightgown as if I was afraid my father might burst in and take her from me at any moment. She was my only comfort in this world. Her smell, her touch. She had once held my entire body inside of her and she told me that sometimes she wished I could go back so she could protect me completely from evil.
Sometimes, if I needed even more comfort, I would put my head between her breasts and listen to the thumping of her heart. That lulled me to sleep. Sometimes I would rest my head in her lap and she would stroke my hair. Other times I would lay my head on her belly and feel the rise and fall of her breath. Her warmth and softness soothed me. And Stede, she really needed me close as much as I needed her. She would kiss my cheeks, my face, my hair. And then she would rub my back. And when you did that earlier, it brought me back to the happier parts of childhood — the comfort I drew from my mother. It comforted me then and it comforts me now. I don’t think I have been touched so gently since I was 12 years old.”
Ed pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts. Stede strokes his back and Ed continues.
“She used to rock me to get me to fall asleep. And she would sing me lullabies. And sometimes I would suck on my thumb. If my father had seen all of that, he would have beaten us until we were black and blue. But my mother loved me so deeply, so unconditionally.
And her touch was truly so comforting to me. When I was really young, and less often when I was an older child, we would bathe together. She would supervise me because I didn’t know how to properly clean myself and then wash herself. And what I craved was my mother’s closeness and touch. She would hold me so close to her as she washed me tenderly. And she surrounded me with her scent and touch and love. And being held by her like this, with no barriers, just our bare selves, provided me with such comfort. Skin-to-skin with you, Stede, does the same.”
Stede gives Ed a chaste kiss on the lips and runs a hand through his hair. Ed looks up again at Stede.
“I miss my mother,” he says brokenheartedly, and Stede swears no words have ever hurt him so much.
“I know, darling,” Stede soothes.
“I just miss her so much.” Ed’s eyes begin to leak tears once more. “She was my entire heart. The only good thing in my life. The only one who loved me. And then I killed my father because he was going to kill my mother. And we were happy for a short while. But then my mother fell ill and died within six months of my father’s death.
I thought it was karma, that the gods were punishing me for taking a life. I thought I deserved all of the tragedy that seemed to follow me. I thought I was unloveable, unworthy. I vowed to never let anyone in again. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing someone like that a second time. I barely survived the first.
But then I met you, Stede. And you somehow broke down every defense I had spent 40 years building up. And you loved me, no matter what I did. And I haven’t felt this much love since my mother was alive. But I feel it with you. But I was scared to let you see this part of me.”
Stede frowns.
“What do you mean, Ed? What part of you?”
Ed hides his face once more. “This. The little child Ed in desperate need of comfort and safety. I thought you might think less of me for being so soft, so cowardly, so weak.”
“Nonsense,” Stede replies. “Your gentleness is the most beautiful thing about you. Needing love and comfort doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. The fact that you trust me this much to allow me to give you comfort makes me so happy.” Stede beams down at Ed.
Ed gives Stede another kiss. “Thanks, Stede.”
A comfortable silence settles above the two as they lay in their bed. Moonlight peeks through the windows and casts a heavenly light on Ed’s beautiful, beautiful face. Stede feels like everything is falling into place. The floodgates have opened. This is who Ed is, at his barest, most honest self. Just a scared kid who needs to be loved. To know that someone has him and that he’s not alone.
Ed lies on top of Stede and listens to his heartbeat. Stede hums and caresses his fingers through Ed’s hair. He reaches down to dry the last of Ed’s tears. Something settles in Ed. He looks up at Stede and draws his thumb into his mouth. This is his safe place. This is his home — a home he never imagined he would find again.
Stede’s heart grows tenfold. Looking down at this precious man, who wants nothing more than to be soothed, Stede feels honored to witness the full beauty of Ed. He smiles and begins to rock them again as Ed sucks his thumb and closes his eyes. Stede marvels at the miracle in his arms. This is the most integral love Stede has ever experienced. He has never loved anyone this much, and to be honest, it frightens him a bit. With that, he holds onto Ed a little tighter.
Ed falls asleep within minutes. Stede continues the gentle rocking movements and keeps playing with Ed’s hair. Stede Bonnet is the luckiest man in the world.
He whispers a “Good night, my love. Sweet dreams,” into Ed’s hair and closes his eyes as he drifts into a deep, peaceful sleep.