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When Chenle blinks his eyes open, the sun filters through the blinds, warmth spilling onto his skin. It's bright, too bright, but he can't be bothered to get up and close them. He can't be bothered to even move, yet, for multiple reasons.
The biggest reason being Na Jaemin.
Jaemin’s chest is pressed to Chenle’s back, his nose digging into the nape of the younger boy’s neck. The older boy’s arm is draped over Chenle’s waist, holding him close but not too tight. Jaemin’s ankle is tucked between Chenle’s shins, comfortable. They have skin to skin contact pretty much everywhere possible. Maybe Chenle likes it, he isn’t completely sure.
The thing is, he’s not close with Jaemin. This is an occurance that is few and far between—Jaemin ends up jumping into bed with Chenle, typically during schedules or video content, and he wraps around Chenle like a koala. But still, this specific instance is slightly different.
There’s no schedules, no camera, no other members around them. Chenle’s house is empty, quiet. This isn’t a type of day that Jaemin would be here. He should be in his room, editing photographs or sleeping in until noon. He should be messing around with Jisung or Jeno, maybe going out to eat or bike. There’s no reason for him to be at Chenle’s house, let alone in his bed, and yet.
Jaemin’s breath tickles the back of Chenle’s neck.
🎮
“Can I sleep over at your house?”
Chenle eyes Jaemin curiously, trying to pick through whatever façade the older boy has decided to put on today. To his genuine surprise, there doesn't seem to be one. Jaemin’s eyes are soft, not calculating. It's strange.
“Why?” Chenle asks. “I thought you stuck to yourself on break days.”
Jaemin shrugs, his eyes dropping to his hands as he picks at his cuticles. “To see Daegal?” Jaemin phrases it almost as if he's asking himself that question. Perhaps he's lying, or perhaps he doesn't even know the answer. Most likely the latter.
Still, the nosy bastard that he is, Chenle presses further. “You never want to see Daegal. There's something else. What is it?”
Jaemin huffs, not looking back up at Chenle. “I’m sleeping at your place. Okay?” His eyes finally meet Chenle’s, and there's something foreign in his gaze. Chenle feels like he's losing control, why can’t he understand Jaemin, what is it about this man?
“Okay.” The word slips from Chenle’s mouth before he even realizes he's going to say it. “Bring your own stuff.”
Jaemin hums, not breaking eye contact.
Jaemin doesn't bring his own stuff. Chenle lets him borrow everything anyway. How does he live without an ounce of control over anything?
🎮
Chenle shifts onto his back, Jaemin’s face moving into the crook of his neck. His breathing pattern shifts from long slow breaths to shorter puffs of air, indicating that he's awake. Despite this, he doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes. Perhaps it's his own mind, but Jaemin’s hold tightens just a bit.
“Hyung,” Chenle says, his voice raspy with sleep. He clears his throat. “Hyung, I know you're awake.”
Jaemin hums, the sound vibrating against Chenle’s shoulder. “Observant boy,” he mumbles, his voice taking on its usual heavy drawl. Chenle shivers. “What time is it?” Jaemin also shifts onto his back, his arm retreating from Chenle’s waist. His ankle stays wedged between Chenle’s legs, and he doesn't seem like he's going to move it, but Chenle doesn't mind.
“I don't know,” Chenle says. “It doesn't matter, it's a break day. Do you want coffee?”
“Mm, sure,” Jaemin says, but he doesn’t move from his spot. “But I want to talk first.”
Chenle’s heart jumps to his throat. He knew it was coming. “About what?” Chenle asks, already knowing the answer. He's trying to delay the inevitable conversation as long as he can, he's barely awake, his mind is running in circles. He's dizzy.
“About last night,” Jaemin says, almost as though it isn't affecting him at all. Knowing him, it probably isn't. Jaemin always seems so… nonchalant. So go-with-the-flow. It makes Chenle wonder why things always turn out in Jaemin’s favor.
“Do we really have to talk about it?” Chenle asks, chewing on his lower lip. It's rare that he's outwardly unsure about something, but with Jaemin it happens more often than not. There's just something about him.
“Yes,” Jaemin says, leaving no room for argument. “We do, Chenle.”
🎮
“I didn't come over to see Daegal,” Jaemin says out of the blue. Despite his words, Daegal is beside him, sleeping soundly. “I came over to tell you something, but if I told you that, you might've run away.”
Just like that, Chenle is on edge.
“I wouldn't have run away,” Chenle lies, and all Jaemin does is stare at him with an unwavering gaze. Chenle swallows, nervous. He kind of wants the couch to open up and swallow him whole.
“It's not bad,” Jaemin says, noticing Chenle’s tenseness. He places a hand on Chenle’s knee, attempting to calm him down, but Chenle’s heart just beats even faster and he gets even more tense. Jaemin frowns, pulling his hand away, but he doesn't comment on it. “Maybe just a little shocking.”
Chenle takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “Go on,” he says, his voice weaker than intended.
“To put it simply,” Jaemin says, “I’m gay.”
That is definitely not how Chenle expected things to go. He opens his mouth to speak, but Jaemin holds up a hand to silence him, and Chenle shuts his mouth.
“I’m going to answer some frequently asked questions before you even say anything,” Jaemin says. “No, you're not the first person I've told. I’ve known since I was ten, I’ve had relationships before but not with other idols, and yes, the managers know.”
Chenle blinks. Jaemin’s got that all too familiar look where he looks like he wants to eat whoever he’s speaking to. Would Chenle even be opposed to that? Jaemin’s pretty. It wouldn’t be a bad way to go. In all honesty—
“Can I kiss you?” Chenle blurts out suddenly, putting a halt to his own thought process.
Jaemin eyes him curiously. “That’s a new question,” he says, amused. “I’d add it to my FAQ but I don’t think anyone else is going to ask.”
Chenle flushes, warmth trailing from his cheekbones all the way down his neck. God, he’s never felt more embarrassed. Still, he bites the bullet. “Is that a yes or a no?”
“No,” Jaemin says, and Chenle’s heart sinks. “Sleep on that and ask me again tomorrow if you really mean it.”
🎮
“So like,” Chenle starts, not looking at Jaemin. “I think I’m a little gay?”
Jaemin snorts. “Shocker,” he says, his voice laced with sarcasm.
Chenle glares at Jaemin, but there's no malice behind it. Jaemin’s got his lips curled up and he's way too pretty to fake being mad at. “I’m serious, hyung. Can you be serious?”
“Sure,” Jaemin says, pulling himself up to a sitting position. Chenle follows suit, subconsciously mirroring Jaemin’s actions. Their thighs press together. “I can be serious. Tell me anything you need to.”
Chenle chews on the inside of his cheek, his heart feeling like it’ll thump out of his chest. “I’ve only ever had relationships with women, but…” Chenle takes a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing. “I kissed Jisung when we were fifteen. It was stupid, neither of us have feelings attached or anything, but it felt just as nice as it would if I kissed a girl. And sometimes I see pretty guys, and it’s the same feeling as if I saw a pretty girl.”
“I think the word you’re looking for is bisexual,” Jaemin says, his voice taking on a more gentle tone. “Attraction to two or more genders.”
“It feels like I’m doing something wrong,” Chenle continues. “Like, why can’t I choose to just like a girl so things are normal? I’ve also never been with a guy, so am I really even bisexual?”
“If you find yourself attracted to multiple genders, Chenle, you’re still bisexual,” Jaemin says. “You don’t need to prove it to anyone, and you don’t need to choose. Love whoever you want.”
That calms Chenle’s heart a little. You don’t need to prove it to anyone. Perhaps ‘anyone’ also includes himself. He doesn’t need to force himself to kiss more guys just to prove his own identity. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to kiss more guys, though. ‘Guys’ being the person sat next to him, listening intently, allowing Chenle to be vulnerable.
“I still want to kiss you,” Chenle says, his voice quiet. He doesn’t look at Jaemin, his eyes fixed on the blankets.
“Be more confident,” Jaemin says. “Head up, speak up. You have to mean it, Chenle.”
Chenle inhales and exhales slowly, before raising his head and looking Jaemin directly in the eyes. He stares at him for a few seconds, tilts his chin up, and speaks loud and steady.
“I want to kiss you.”
Jaemin smiles, some sort of pride in his expression.
“Do it, then.”
Chenle goes for it immediately, not wanting to give himself any time to chicken out. Jaemin’s lips are slightly chapped but somehow still soft, because of course Jaemin is full of contradictions. Jaemin’s hand comes up to Chenle’s jaw, holding it delicately, his thumb tracing along the sharp angle of his jawline. Everything about the kiss is soft, soft, soft.
When Jaemin pushes his tongue against the seam of Chenle’s lips, Chenle allows him in, giving in to whatever Jaemin wants. When Jaemin grabs his hip to rearrange their sitting positions, he lets him. When Jaemin tilts his chin up for better access, he lets him. When Jaemin does anything, he lets him.
Only then does Chenle realize he's completely given up control.
Somehow, he doesn't mind.
Maybe this is exactly what he needs. A break from trying to control everything around him, a break from being the dominant one in social situations, a break from being the one to ask other people to do things. When he's with Jaemin, there's no sense of control, no way to predict what he's going to do or say. At first, Chenle was terrified of it, but now he isn't so sure. Perhaps Jaemin has even more control by giving it up entirely.
He has zero expectations of anything. When he goes anywhere, he relies on other people to be responsible, which in turn makes sure the others are prepared. When he plays games, he isn't competitive, which saves him from disappointment and also allows the other members to have their victories. When he sits back and watches conversations, he lets the others shine, and he’s able to better monitor their conversations from an objective view.
Chenle's sense of control has everything to do with himself. If he controls everything around him, he’s safe, he feels secure. But with Jaemin, it's the opposite. He gives up control and in turn controls the actions of the people around him, from an entirely selfless standpoint. Jaemin does everything for other people, not to please them, but to make sure they're living the best way they can. Perhaps Chenle needs to learn this from him.
At this very moment, Jaemin has control, but for the sole purpose of making sure Chenle is comfortable. He’s taking control because he knows Chenle needs to let go of it. Chenle is observant, but he doesn’t know how to use his information. Jaemin does, and he uses it correctly every single time.
For the first time since Chenle met Jaemin, he feels like he truly understands him.
Jaemin pulls away slightly, his hand remaining on Chenle’s jaw. “You're thinking pretty hard,” Jaemin says, gently running his thumb along Chenle’s cheek. “Mind sharing?”
“We should spend more time together,” Chenle says, forcing his gaze to stay fixed on Jaemin’s eyes and not his lips. “I really admire you, hyung.”
Jaemin raises an eyebrow. “Do you, now?”
“Yes,” Chenle says easily. “Kiss me again.”
Jaemin’s eyes shine like he knows something Chenle doesn't. Knowing what he knows now, he probably does. “Will our future hangouts include making out on your bed?” Jaemin asks bluntly, a grin slowly appearing on his face.
Chenle fights back his embarrassment, mustering all of the confidence he can. “If you want them to.”
Instead of answering, Jaemin kisses Chenle again, and Chenle basks in the feeling of losing his control.