Work Text:
Beach
She woke slowly to the smell of salty water, coarse sand beneath her, soft waves tickling her toes. How did she end up on a beach? She was… somewhere else… before. Certainly not a beach. But she felt good, not in pain. That was something, wasn’t it. Her toes curled up in the sand, a sound of content escaping her.
“Awake?” a voice from the past asked her.
She opened her eyes to soft sunlight. Slowly rising she looked around, her eyes finally fixating on the man beside her.
“Marcus…”
She sat up beside him. “So, I am dead, I guess.”
It was not a question. Yes, she remembered. The pain of fire and lack of air. The fear and desperation.
Not like this, please, not like this!
And finally, peaceful acceptance. She had done what she could. Her crew was safe. Now it was on those who came after her to pick up the pieces. That was okay.
Her work was done.
For the first time in forever, maybe her whole life, she was truly at peace. Her friends would miss her, sure, but they would move on.
“I missed you.”, leaning her head on his shoulder.
“I missed you, too.”
—
She spent her days meeting old friends and family, walking the sheer endless stretches of sand. Often she ended up on the bar - who’d have thought that afterlife had a bar - talking about everything and nothing with people she loved.
The moments she spent with Marcus and Grandpa were the best, not that she could say how much time went on, even with the slow changes from day to night and back to day.
Dying was hard, but being dead was not.
One night, lying beside Marcus, watching the stars above them, he took her hand in his.
“Why did you never allow anyone into your life again, after I died.”
She was quiet for a long time. “How could I? You were always in my thoughts.”
“The curse of a dead love, you always remember the good things and ignore the bad. But let's be real for a moment, if I hadn’t died, we would have divorced within a year.”
He was right, now she could be honest with herself. Why she had to die to admit that their relationship was already in the trenches when he’d lost his life, she didn’t know.
“Do you think we could have been friends, after we seperated?”
“Hrm… Not at first, I think. But after some time, yes. I would have made an awesome uncle to your children.”
“You think I would have had children?”
“Oh come on, you always wanted to have kids. Of course you would have. You would have deserved it. A real partner by your side, a house full of little ones. I just could have never been able to be that partner, live that life.”
“But we had good times, didn’t we? You made me so happy… in the beginning.”
“Oh yes, very good times. We just weren’t meant for eternity.”
“I don’t think I would have ever stopped loving you.”
“Neither I you. There is more than one kind of love, though..”
“I remember something Granpa said to me once. The heart is as big as it needs to be. It will grow with the people you love and always make room for more. After you’ve gone I felt like there was no room for someone new in me. I should have remembered those words.”
“You remembered them now.”
She chuckled lightly, “A little too late.”
“Better late than never.”
—
The days and nights went by until one day something unexpected happened.
She was walking in solitude, enjoying the light wind on her skin when she saw a friend lying in the sand. A friend that was not supposed to be here yet.
She sat down beside him and pulled his head into her lap. He looked horrible, gaunt, underfed, still all wiry muscles but in need of a year of good feeding and some serious vacation time. His plates lost their shine, his skin looked pale and his eyes dark and bruised.
As she sat there, waiting for him to open his eyes she realized that paradise did not mean the absence of pain or sadness. Seeing him like this hurt something inside of her.
He was still so young, had so much life yet to live. He’d always been a weird mix of driven and unsure of himself and his place in the galaxy. But at times she had seen the glimpses of the man he could be - could have been. More so towards the end of her life, after their relationship changed towards friendship, as he started to act like Someone at eye level, and not the submissive deference he’d shown earlier.
Those short moments of cockiness, confidence and his drive to make things better paired with the sometimes (most of the time) terrible jokes had made it easy to lose the mask of “commander” around him. It had been nice to work with someone she felt she could trust to have her back.
She had sent him on missions as a team leader a few times and again, there were those glimpses of a natural talent for leadership, charisma and charm that drew people to him. She saw him easily climbing ranks and leading teams of his own, if he’d just had the time to grow into himself.
Sure he had a stick up his ass, but that came with the blue blood and shiny plates. Not his fault.
And now he was here, and the way it looked his last days had not been easy. That didn’t sit right with her.
He ground and blinked up at her.
“Hey big guy.”
He rose up slowly. “Am I dead?”
“It seems that way.”
“Hrm… Fits…”
“What happened? You look like you had a rough time in the end.”
He didn’t answer for a long time, just stared at his hands.
“After you died, everything… just fell apart. People just went on as if Sovereign had never happened, as if the danger wasn't still out there. I don’t know, I just lost my way. It all seemed so useless, pointless. They called you… names… And I just failed at every corner. Faex . I am so alone. With you I had someone to talk to who understood me, you didn’t always agreed with me, but you understood. Around you the world made sense. And then… I don't know, it's good I died, I guess. My life was a waste anyway. I am just…”
He looked up at her then. “I am sorry I disappoint you.”
“Oh big guy. You never disappointed me. You never will.”
The funny thing about the afterlife is, if you look closely you see the connections people have. Threads of light binding them together, connecting them, bridging the border of life and death. There was a strong string of light between them, but oh so many more that spanned the ocean and connected him to countless of the living.
And one red line, so still but not yet severed.
It was not too late.
“And you are not alone. Never were, never will be. I am always there, at least in spirit, and so many more. There are people out there who love you and need you and miss you. Sometimes we lose our way. But thats okay. Sometimes we find new ways that we would not have found otherwise. You are not a failure. You are a great man. You just need to learn to trust your gut and your heart. Trust in yourself like I trust you.”
The red robe suddenly snatched at him, pulsating with the “ba dump, ba dump” of a heartbeat.
“What's happening?”
“It seems you are not dead yet..”
“I… I don’t want to go back. Everything there hurts.”
“Sometimes it hurts. There will be better times. Just try to let go of the anger and pain inside of you. Open your eyes and your heart to the people around you. You are not alone. Never will be.”
“But I will never be as good as you, never be as strong as you. What good does it do, to go back. I will never change anything.”
She was taken aback for a moment.
“Spirits, I am not a god. I am just a person. I have my flaws, quite a few of them. Do you really believe I am without any regrets? Please don't aspire to be me. Just be the best version of you. That is enough. And that is how you change things. For yourself. and the people around you.”
She paused then looked him into the eyes, “I believe in you. Always have, always will be.”
Her hands grabbed his shoulders as the red like pulled on him, turned him around towards the ocean.
“The galaxy is still full of bad people. The reapers are still out there lurking in the shadows. Go, Garrus, and give them hell. And when everything is said and done, I will wait here, at the bar.”
His head turned around, and he had a new resolute look in his eyes. He nodded at her.
And then the red line snatched at him and he was gone.
She stood there for a long time, watching his footprints slowly getting washed away by the wave. There had been so much pain and desperation inside him. He deserved better.
When she turned away she found Marcus not sitting far away, waiting. With a sad smile she sat down beside him.
“Who was he?”
“A good friend. We fought together for some time. I wish I could be there and help him.”
“You always help people. Maybe it's time that he learns to help himself.”
“No one can do it all alone, Marcus.”
“Yet you never asked for help. It goes for you too, you know. You can’t do it all alone either.”
She didn’t answer him, what was there to say? He was right.
—
Again time moved around her like water, days morphed into nights and nights ended with brilliant dawns. One night she was dancing on the beach, twirling and swirling around and never had she felt so free and light when suddenly she was pushed down by a heavy weight and then ripped upupup.
Bright lights like knives in her eyes. so much noise drilling into her ears.
A womans’ voice, “There. On the monitor. Something’s wrong.”
A man seemed to answer, “She’s reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of her surroundings.”
“Oh my god, Miranda. I think she’s waking up.”
A woman appeared on her periphery.
“Damn it, Wilson. She’s not ready yet! Give her the sedative!”
The woman leaned down to her, “Shepard – don’t try to move. Just lie still. Try to stay calm.”
The man again, “Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing into the red zone. It’s not working!”
“Another dose. Now!”
“Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into normal range.”
“That was too close. We almost lost her.”
“I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again.”
And then it was over and she was back at the beach again. She was confused and… afraid. What was happening?
Marcus found her after she had wandered alone for some time. She felt weird, heavy, slow and sluggish.
“Something is not right.”
His hand reached to her and lifted a hair thin red thread.
“It seems you are not done yet.”
“But that was not there before, my threat was cut.”
“I believe the living are not willing to let you go.”
“But… I died. I’ve been here forever. I did what I could and then I died. And that's okay. I deserve peace.”
“I know, my dear. But it seems they still need you.”
The red thread in his hand swelled and pulsated.
“Just… Just promise me you remember your grandfather's words. Promise me to ask for help when you need it.”
She didn’t want to go but the red thread pulled at her. And not just the red, the golden lines, too. Always had, she realized.
“I promise.”, she said as the red snached her away.