Work Text:
Sirius looked around the dorm before taking James's cloak. He didn’t think James would be mad. Actually, he thought James would be pissed. It was the only thing of his that James was possessive over. He liked to know where it was at all times. But James had been treating Sirius like a kid for the past few weeks. He doubted he would get mad at poor, broken Sirius.
He slipped out of the dorm, only stopping to grab a bottle of fire whiskey from their hiding spot in the false floorboard by the door. He took a sip before he slipped on the cloak. For a moment, his throat was on fire, but it passed, easing the sharp edges of the word.
The walk to the astronomy tower had disappeared by the time he got there. There was only the railing and climbing and sitting with his legs dangling over the edge. Iron rods digging into his back and the trees twisting in the distance and more whiskey burning his throat.
It was all so small from up here. The lights of Hagrid's hut and the boathouse seemed to blend into the stars. This was better. It was all too much down there. He couldn’t think of Regulus and Remus and—
“Sirius?”
He turned around. Lily was behind him, her hair lit like a halo from the nearly full moon.
“Sirius, it’s hours past curfew. What are you doing here?”
“Please leave me alone,” he muttered.
Was his voice slurred? Sirius couldn’t tell. He regretted his words instantly though because Evans never did what anyone said. She climbed over the railing, landing with a soft thud next to him. So much for a quiet night.
He grabbed the half-empty bottle of fire whiskey next to him and passed it to her. She stared at it for a minute, then, much to Sirius’s surprise, took a swig. He smirked when she started coughing.
“Easy, Red. First time drinking?”
She frowned. “I've only had muggle drinks.”
It didn't seem like Lily to be drinking when she was supposed to be making rounds, but Sirius didn't question it. He wasn't in the place to question anyone else morals.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” She asked, as blunt as ever.
He couldn’t answer. The stars were blinking. Shinning. The trees were swirling in the Forrest. It was quiet here, but it was always like that when he drank. When Sirius was drunk, everything stopped, just for a little bit, and he could breathe. Remus would call this unhealthy. James would be worried. At least Peter would think he was cool, but what does being cool matter? He just needed out. Suddenly the dorm had been too small. He was suffocating on his endless train of thoughts. He could feel the other boys thinking too. About life. About him. All trapped in that tiny room. He had to leave.
“Did James tell you what happened?” Sirius asked, surprising himself. “With my family?”
Lily shook her head. “He told me that you moved in with him, but that it wasn’t his story to tell.”
James was probably right. No one else needed to know. He didn’t want anyone to know.
“My mom used the cruciatus curse on me.”
She whipped around to face him. Sirius couldn’t read her expression. “What?”
Sirius just nodded. The words were coming so easily now. Jumbled together, maybe, but he had been waiting to tell someone. “I wish I didn’t leave sometimes. I want a home to go back to.”
“Slow down, Sirius. What did your mom do?” She said.
Sirius grabbed the bottle back from her. The whiskey had lost its kick. He couldn’t feel it anymore, but that didn’t stop him from taking another sip. It was all numb.
Nothing was numb at Grimmauld Place. It was acidic and rotten and it burned every second. It was his.
“You were in my defense class last year,” Sirius said. His words were spilling out of his mouth before he could process them.
“It’s worse than they taught us.” He closed his eyes, but the world didn’t stop swaying. “It just… it hurt so much.”
“Sirius,” she said slowly, “I think we should go back to the dorm.”
“I can still feel it,” he whispered, but that wasn’t true. He couldn’t feel anything right now. He might throw up. The bottle had gotten so much lighter, everything had.
Lily wipes a tear from his face. When did he start crying? He couldn’t be here. This place wasn’t his. The spare bed at the Potter’s wasn’t his. Sirius didn’t belong to anyone.
“You’re drunk, Sirius. You need to sleep.”
“I want to go home.”
She pulled him into her arms. Sirius didn’t even have the energy to hold her back. Lily didn’t seem to care, she just let him cry into her shoulder.
“Sirius, I’ve got to take you back to the dorm.”
Lily pulled him back to his feet. He swayed and she grabbed him before he fell to his death.
The climb back over the railing was much more difficult this time, although Sirius couldn’t figure out why. Lily’s grip on his arm was starting to hurt. He tried to push her away but she wouldn’t budge.
Somehow he was back at the dorm. The marauders were rushing towards him, taking him from Lily’s arms. Sirius couldn’t tell which one was on his left or right, or if it even mattered. They were talking too fast, too loud. The words blended into each other.
“I want to go home,” he said.
No one answered. Lily was gone and he was in the dorm and being pushed into the bed and everything was dark.
“Put him on his side,” he heard, and there was shuffling and he was being shifted
and—
“Remus?” Sirius whispered.
He felt Remus kneel down next to him. His hair was being brushed out of his face and it was like sunshine.
“Go to sleep, Pads. You will feel better.”
Sirius shook his head. This wasn’t where he wanted to be. Nothing was right anymore.
“I can’t sleep.”
He didn’t want it to be tomorrow. Sirius was sinking. The world was spinning.
Remus sighed and took his hand. Sirius could hear him whispering to James, but the words were slipping away.
“Remus—“
“Go to sleep, James. I can stay up with him.”
“But—“
“I can handle it for tonight.”
And Remus was in his bed. Arm against arm and hand holding hand and Sirius’s eyes were slipping closed.
“I want to go home,” he slurred.
Remus moved closer. “You are home.”
His voice was muddled. “Go to sleep.”
But he wasn’t. All of this was temporary. Hogwarts, the Potter’s house, it wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Sirius turned into Remus. He was asleep now, but his hand was still holding Sirius.
The alcohol was fading, his eyes were slipping closed without his consent, and he was pulled back home, to Grimmauld Place, in his nightmares.