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I had another dream tonight, Qui-Gon. I don’t know if you’re listening, or if I’ve fallen too greatly to deserve your company, but I can’t tell anyone living about this. And I need to say it, or I’ll truly become the crazy old desert wizard with no connections left, no loyalty to my past. Which, for all my failures, is still a part of me.
The dream was that strange tunnel again, the visions as if through a Tusken Raider’s mask. But I heard something this time.
At first I thought it was my own breathing, but it sounded… odd. Mechanical. Like a broken-down droid. Then my body felt warm. No - no, that’s too generous. I was burning, the way I left Anakin behind.
Someone was screaming, and I realized it was my own voice from Mustafar as I blamed Anakin for his choices, told him I loved him. Then there was another voice, a younger one. And I heard those words perfectly.
“I’m no Jedi.”
I knew her voice, Qui-Gon. It was Ahsoka.
I’ve never heard her say such a thing, even though she did leave the Order. She sounded so sure of herself, nothing like the child who walked away from Anakin. But she has a right to that claim, doesn’t she? We treated her no better than our enemies.
I wish you’d been there, Qui-Gon. I tried to stand up for her, but what if I had tried harder? I know you wouldn’t have supported throwing her to the rancors the way we did.
You should’ve met her. She is - she was so much like Anakin, that girl. If you’d seen the way he lit up around her, fighting by her side - there was no better choice for him.
But, then again, it was never that Anakin had a bad Padawan. Only a bad master.
To him, but also to Ahsoka. Mace called them both my Padawans sometimes, and I didn’t dissuade him of that mindset. Perhaps I should have.
I only spoke to her alone once before - before everything ended. I had so much I wanted to ask her. Where she’d been in her missing time, if she’d been safe, or happy - and all I was able to say was a promise that I’d tell Anakin she loved him.
Qui-Gon - if Ahsoka is there with you, would you apologize to her for me? I understand that she won’t accept it from me, but she deserves to at least hear it. And I know - I know she made it in the end. Despite what I heard in my dream, that girl was so strong in the Force. She’s there. Maybe I will see her one day, if I can make up for my sins.
I wonder if Anakin felt her loss. Or if he was so far gone already that it didn’t even register to him.
I’m rambling, aren’t I? Well, it’s not as if there’s much else to do here. Luke is safe, Leia is with Bail. That’s the most any of us can ask for.
I’ll talk with you again soon, Qui-Gon. I fear these dreams have no end in sight. But for everything that I put Anakin and Ahsoka through, how much I let them down - it’s a paltry atonement, but I can manage a few bad dreams.
Good night, my master. May the Force be with you - and with me.