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Great, let’s just add this to the list of things that have gone wrong today , Amelia thinks to herself as she stares at the keys she just dropped onto the ground.
Today should have been an incredible day for her. The Parkinson’s research she’d spent months and months working on had finally been published. She should be celebrating that she is one step closer to curing a previously incurable disease. But instead, she’s walking alone to her car lost in her own thoughts, the gloomy Seattle weather matching her mood perfectly. On top of being overly aware that Kai isn’t with her, the blood shortage, the canceled surgeries, and the residency program being shut down, Amelia is ready to go home and crawl under her bed covers and try to forget the world for the rest of the night.
Bending down to retrieve her keys, she smells them before she sees them. A slight breeze blew in her direction, carrying the unique scent that is Kai to her. Standing upright, she sees them and it feels like her heart is breaking all over again. They look pale, the dark circles under their eyes causing a harsh contrast, and a bit more disheveled than she has ever seen them look. Amelia wants nothing more than to run right into their arms and hold Kai tight and never let them go, but she can still hear their voice from the dinner party, telling her they don’t want what she has.
“I can't sleep,” Kai admits. “I can’t sleep.”
A million things were running through Amelia’s mind when she first saw Kai before her. She could feel the walls she had perfected over the years start to go back up because she didn't think she would be able to handle it if Kai broke her heart again.
Amelia also hadn’t been sleeping. Over the last month, she had memorized every single crack in her ceiling from the countless hours staring at it. If she was being honest with herself, she felt like she was going a little crazy over this breakup. She hadn’t even realized she had fallen completely and totally in love with the tall, brilliant, handsome neuroscientist standing in front of her until it was ripped away from her. It left her feeling hollow inside, like the matching puzzle piece to her soul had been tossed back into the rest of the world.
Before she could overthink things, Amelia stepped forward, shattering the walls that she desperately wanted to throw up. Taking another step forward, past the memories of heartache and loneliness she had been drowning in over the past month. One last step and she was crashing into Kai, and it felt like she could breathe again. Grabbing their face between her hands, she stretched up and crushed her lips against theirs, pouring all of her longing and love into the kiss. It took Kai a moment to realize what was happening, but once they did they brought their hands to Amelia’s waist, pulling her in tight.
The kiss felt desperate and clingy, both of them holding onto one another like they were a life preserver, the only thing that would keep one another afloat at sea. Underneath that, Amelia could feel the love and tenderness from Kai as their lips moved against hers. The softness they were pouring into her, contrasted with the needy grip on her waist, mixed with the words they had said to her made her realize they had been struggling with this separation just as much as she had been. It made a flutter of hope stir in her chest.
They broke apart, the need for air trumping their need for one another for the moment. Amelia settled down on flat feet and tucked her head under Kai’s chin, resting her head on their chest. She closed her eyes, breathing in the unique blend of musky cologne and laundry soap that was Kai. She could almost fall asleep right then and there, wrapped in the warmth and safety of her favourite person.
“I love you”, Amelia says softly.
As much as she wanted to stay in this moment forever, there were things she needed to say to Kai. Taking a deep breath, Amelia pushed gently on their chest so she could step back out of the embrace. She slid her hands from their chest, down their arms to their hands, needing some kind of contact to make it through this. They were her tether to the ground, helping her stay present as the storm of emotions threatened to consume her.
Taking one last deep breath, she looked up into Kai’s eyes. She could see a similar storm churning in their eyes. Amelia squeezed their hands and then decided to take the plunge into the storm, hoping Kai would still be there when it was over.
“I love you, Kai. I have fallen in love with many people, but not with you.”
“Amelia, I-” Kai interrupts, drawing their eyebrows together in confusion.
Amelia takes her right hand out of Kai’s left, bringing it up to place a finger over their lips,
“Please, just let me get this out,” Amelia whispers, not daring to speak any louder because she knows her voice would crack from the tears she was trying to hold back.
Kai unfurls their eyebrows and nods their head. They bring their free hand up to grab Amelia’s, giving her finger a soft kiss before pulling her hand away completely from their face and returning their hands to their original position. Kai gently squeezes their joined hands, silently signaling Amelia to continue.
“As I was saying, I’ve fallen in love with many people in my life. Every time I have it feels like a rollercoaster, that desperate, thrilling freefall. But, I didn’t feel that with you.
Kai, with you I felt seen, for I think the first time in my life. You didn’t see me as drug addict Amelia, or as Derek Shepherd’s little sister or the poor girl whose father was murdered. People call me ‘Hurricane Amelia’ because my life is like a hurricane. It’s chaotic and messy and usually ends up destroying everything and everyone around me. But, you, Kai Bartley, didn’t care about the hurricane that surrounds me, you looked past it right into the eye of the storm and saw me.
So, I didn’t fall in love with you. I slid into it, so naturally that I didn't even realize it was happening. When I did notice it, it was too late. You were walking out of the backyard, and you took a piece of my heart with you.
I love you, Kai. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. But, I also love my son. So much”. Amelia cuts herself off as the pain from that night rushes back in again. Her throat tightens as the tears that had been slowly accumulating finally spill over onto her cheeks. “He’s my little miracle. I never told you, but I had another son. His name was Christopher, and he was born without a brain. So, when I found out I was pregnant with Scout, I was terrified. But, as soon as he was in my arms, all that fear was replaced with love. I told you before that the one part of myself that I truly do love is being a mother, and that’s never ever going to change.”
Amelia closes her eyes, feeling her cheeks grow wetter and wetter as more and more tears fall from her eyes. She did it. She bared her soul to Kai, and now she feels like she’s free-falling, and she doesn’t know if she’s going to crash land or be caught.
She feels Kai remove their hands from hers, and her heart sinks. She really thought that maybe it would be different this time, that Kai would stick around, but once again Hurricane Amelia proved to be too much. She prepares for impact, the familiar crushing feeling that spreads throughout her body when she’s left heartbroken, but it doesn’t come. Instead, she feels delicate fingers on her face, wiping away her tears. Some of them smooth, some of them calloused from years of playing guitar. Amelia gasps in surprise and opens her eyes, locking onto Kai’s. She expected to see pity, anger, disgust, or anything other than what she saw upon opening her eyes. Kai’s eyes are soft and glittery, light refracting off of the unshed tears in their eyes, but they’re looking down at Amelia with warmth and love.
Fresh tears start to fall from her eyes. She can’t believe that they’re still standing in front of her, let alone looking at her the way they are. It makes Amelia feel lighter, and she can feel some hope returning, that maybe she isn’t going to crash land after all. She brings her hands up to Kai’s forearms, gripping them tightly.
“Can I talk now?” Kai asks gently.
Amelia nods in reply, tilting her head slightly to the right to lean into Kai’s hand.
“I haven’t been able to sleep for the last month, and if by some miracle I manage to fall asleep, I dream about you. You have gotten under my skin like no one has before, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I also can’t stop thinking about how much I hurt you by leaving that night. I’m sorry for the way I left. Everything between us became very real that night, and I got overwhelmed. Seeing how many people you have around you that love and support you was very overwhelming because I don't have that. The only person I have in my life that supports me for who I am is David.”
“I probably should have introduced you to the insanity that is my family a little slower”, Amelia interrupts, giving Kai a watery smile. Kai smiles back at her, but it doesn’t reach their eyes. She can see sadness and something conflicting brewing in their eyes.
“I still don’t want kids, Amelia. I have ambitious career goals that I cannot and will not sacrifice. But at the same time being away from you physically hurts.” Kai says, a sob escaping them when they finish talking.
Amelia quickly pulls their hands off of her cheeks and slams herself against Kai. She wraps an arm tightly around their waist, while her other hand snakes up their back to their neck, gently pressing down to coax them to rest their head on her shoulder. Kai immediately crumples into her embrace, clinging to her jacket. Amelia softly runs her fingers through their hair, gently rocking them in her arms, letting them cry on her shoulder. After a couple of minutes, she feels Kai’s breathing grow more normal and the grip they had on her loosens a bit, so Amelia pulls back a bit so she can look at them, but they won’t meet her eyes.
“Kai, I’m not asking you to be a parent. I have a huge village to help me raise my son. All I can ask of you is to invite him into your life, cause he am I are kind of a package deal. You can be as involved with him as much or as little as you want. Selfishly, I hope you’d want to be in his life a lot cause he’s a pretty awesome little guy.” Amelia laughs a bit, trying to lighten the mood a little bit because if she doesn't she’ll start crying again.
“But what if you want more kids? I can’t give you that, and I don't want to lead you on or hold you back.” Kai replies, sniffling a bit.
“I don't.”
“But-” Their head snaps up, confusion in their eyes.
“Kai, did someone say something to you at the dinner party? Cause I thought that you had accepted that I had a kid and could handle it when we continued to see each other after the night we spent together after submitting our research.” Amelia replies. That question had been eating at her since Kai had left her alone in the backyard.
“After talking to Link and Owen, I got the impression that your priorities had shifted. That science and medicine weren’t your main passions after having Scout. I figured that maybe you would want more kids, and I didn’t want to lead you on because I have been led on in a relationship before and it sucks.”
“They’re right,” Amelia says. She hears Kai inhale sharply, and feels them try to pull away from her, but she tightens her grip on them before continuing on. “But only partly right. My priorities have shifted since having Scout, but only a bit. I’m still just as interested in science, the brain, and medicine. I still have ambitious career plans, in fact working on this Parkinson’s cure has made me even more driven to reach my goals. Before my brother died, he was working on finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. At the time I thought it was ridiculous, wasting all that time and money trying to cure an incurable disease, but after everything we’ve done with Parkinson’s, I feel like it might be possible to try and complete his work.
But Kai, the only difference between pre-Scout Amelia and post-Scout Amelia is that I balance my time better. I can’t stay at the hospital or the lab all hours of the night anymore, and I’m okay with that because I get to see my beautiful baby boy. But at the same time, if I'm working hard on something, I can rely on my family to take care of Scout while I try and achieve my dreams.
But I don’t want more kids. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want to go through another pregnancy after losing Christopher, I was terrified to go through another pregnancy, only for it to end in another heartbreak. Scout was an accident, but now he’s here and I have my perfect kid and I’m good with that. Plus I have an army of nieces and nephews, and I'm sure my sister is going to start pumping out baby’s soon with the way her and her husband go at it.” Amelia chuckles to herself.
“Are you sure?” Kai asks tentatively.
“Yes, I’m sure. We don't have to have everything worked out right now. We can take things day by day, but I need to know that you’re here with me, Kai. I can't take it if you run out on me again.” Amelia says, ending in a whisper as emotion takes hold of her voice for the millionth time tonight.
Kai moves to rest their forehead against hers. Both of them are silent for a couple of moments, relishing in the comfort of being so close to each other.
“I’m here, Amelia. I’m not going anywhere.” Kai whispers, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled between them.
At that, Amelia surges up, closing the little distance so she can connect her lips to Kai’s. She lets everything from the last month go and pours all her love into the kiss. It’s messy, passionate, and salty from tears but she thinks it's the most perfect kiss she’s ever had. Breaking apart for air, Amelia tucks herself back under Kai’s chin, as she had earlier in their meeting. With the weight of the past month lifted off of her, she can feel heavy exhaustion settling into her bones.
“Come home with me,” Amelia says while backing up a bit to look up at the tall neuroscientist.
“Aren’t we going to take things slow?” Kai asks, amusement sparkling in their eyes.
“Get your head out of the gutter, Dr. Bartley.” Amelia laughs, “I’m exhausted, and I know you’re exhausted too. We both haven't slept well in a month, so come home with me so we can finally get a good night’s rest.”
“Okay, I’ll follow you there in my rental car.” They quickly agree, turning to walk to where they had parked.
Amelia turns towards her car, digging her keys out of her pocket.
“Amelia, one more thing!” Kai shouts, grabbing her attention.
Amelia turns around and sees that they’re halfway across the parking lot. She’s slightly confused as to why they’re shouting at her, but she feels at ease as she sees a grin lighting up their face.
“I love you too!” They cup their hands over their mouth to amplify their voice as they shout again.
They both stand there, smiling big goofy grins at one another. She isn’t sure how long they stood there like that, but someone walked across her line of sight to Kai, effectively bringing them out of the moment. Amelia blows a kiss to Kai, and she sees them catch it and put it in their pocket before she turns back to her car, laughing to herself.
She gets in her car, and sits for a moment, taking in everything that has just happened. She feels lighter than she has in weeks and a few more tears escape her eyes, but this time they're tears of happiness. She knows that they still have a lot to talk about, but for now she feels like she's flying. She’s going to go home and cuddle with her favourite person, and finally be able to sleep and rest.
Once they get to the house, they waste little time getting ready for bed. Heavy exhaustion has fallen on both of them now that they have hashed some things out and they’re okay again. Kai is done getting ready first, so Amelia finds them under the covers when she gets out of the bathroom. She feels her heart soar at seeing them in their bed and quickly moves to crawl under the covers to be with them. It takes little time for them to find a comfortable position, they fit together like two puzzle pieces. Amelia lets out a content sigh, feeling her eyes grow heavy already. The sound of Kai’s strong heartbeat under her ear as she lays on their chest and the feeling of them carding their fingers through her hair gently starts to lull her to sleep. But despite how relaxed and sleepy she feels, something is holding her back from allowing her to slip off into her dreams.
“I love you,” Amelia mumbles against their chest.
“I love you too, Amelia. Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” They whisper back to her.
With the gentle reassurance that they weren't going anywhere, Amelia finally lets herself succumb to the darkness. It’s the best she’s slept in over a month.