Chapter Text
London, 1979.
Mary was focusing on the lens of her polaroid camera. She was making sure the profile of Lily was in the middle of the image while all the books and messy notes were in the background in their bedroom. It was so chaotic that it looked perfect.
Lily’s expression was tense. She sighed and inhaled again the cigarette she was holding between her fingers while closing her eyes. Mary could clearly see the tiny tattoo Lily had on her wrist -it was a moon covered in blossoms- and her ring nose.
That’s when Mary knew it was the perfect moment to take the picture. She felt her heartbeats pounding like drums -as if they were making a ritual- inside her chest. Lily is so bloody beautiful .
“Fuck you, Mary,” Lily exclaimed. “This isn’t the time for photos! I’m so bloody stressed right now, I’m not in the mood for this.”
But you looked gorgeous , she wanted to say. Mary realized it wasn’t the time and the moment to say such a thing.
“You should publish your article, anyway,” Mary replied. “You know you’re too damn good with your job to settle with that.”
“I don’t know,” she smoked her cigarette again. “I fucking hate this.”
Lily was working as a journalist for a local newspaper. Sometimes her boss, basically the publisher, Rita Skeeter, could get on her nerves because she was too strict with Lily’s writing. She usually treated her as if Lily was a bad journalist and if her job wasn’t enough. But that day, her boss said something that made Lily absolutely mad.
“She doesn’t want to publish my last article, after all the hard work and effort I put into it, because she said it is, and I quote, ‘inappropriate and offensive for society itself and a threat!’,” Lily yelled once she slammed the door after she got to the flat.
“Hello for you too, Evans,” Marlene replied while she was on the couch with her girlfriend Dorcas. “How are you? How was work?”
“Oh, let her breathe,” Dorcas said. “She’s clearly furious at something,”. Dorcas could say that not only because she knew Lily Evans so damn well, but also because she usually got mad about her job and her studies -she was a law student and she complained about the way the system worked all the time.
Lily crossed her arms and sighed.
Mary came out from the kitchen while tying up her hair -that made her septum even more visible. “Something’s up with your boss again?” She was wearing a t-shirt that revealed the tattoo she had on her upper left arm: a lion fighting and roaring.
“Yes!” Lily replied indignant.
Anyone rarely saw Lily completely angry because she tried to be likable most of the time. Mary thought it was, somehow, wonderful to see her like that because it showed the real Lily (it was the main reason she took the camera and took a picture of her after that). She thought women shouldn’t have to wear some weird and hypocritical mask to show pleasant emotions. They could be mad too. That’s how her passion about documenting real moments -the real self in her friends- was born: Mary was always taking pictures of her friends in every moment because she wanted to appreciate them forever. Those pictures were everywhere: in their dorms, on the fridge and they even carried them with themselves.
“I’ve got some tea,” Mary grinned at her. She knew Lily loved drinking good tea after a stressful workday.
Lily smiled slightly. “Thank you.”
She sat on the couch and began her story when Mary gave her the mug with the infusion. “Remember I’ve been working so long with this article about the woman who got unfairly kicked out from her job and after that she got kicked out from the flat she was renting?” All her friends nodded. “Well, I found out that she was left without a job and got homeless because she’s a poor working woman and people around her saw her with her girlfriend.”
“ Oh ,” said Dorcas. Marlene and Mary just kept quiet because they perfectly understood what Lily was explaining. “This is so fucked up,” Mary knew Dorcas wanted to say way more than that.
“Yes, oh ,” it was a topic that got Lily very sensitive since she -and everyone in the room except for Mary- was a lesbian. “The worst part is that I saw that woman living in the streets, basically starving. No one wanted to help her. A few days later I saw her again, but…” she fought against her voice crackling. “But I saw her at night, standing on an ugly hidden alley, probably dying from cold.”
Mary’s eyes went watery. “Fuck Lily, that’s so awful.”
“I know,” some tears started to drop from her eyes. “So, I worked so hard because I was thinking ‘this might be my chance to make an actual change’, ‘when this article will be published, so many people will be concerned about this issue’, ‘this woman might get real help’. When I showed my boss the article I was so damn proud of it. But when she saw her she just…” Lily was sobbing uncontrollably. “She just told me it wasn’t what she asked me to do, she said she asked me for an article with ‘the real news’ in it.”
“Oh, darling,” Mary approached Lily by sitting next to her. She grabbed Lily’s face -leaving each other’s face too close- and wiped her tears. Mary thought she might have done that in private, but when it came to Lily she didn’t care about anything else. She didn’t care if her friends were looking.
“Wait, what does that mean? Why wouldn’t you have ‘the real news’ when you basically did all the research,” Marlene said.
“She basically said that all the information wasn’t important or newsworthy. Probably her boss wanted Lily to make something unrealistic, exaggerated and from gutter press,” Dorcas explained.
“Exactly,” Lily said with anguish in her voice. “That woman’s been through a lot of rough stuff, she’s probably dying right now! And she doesn’t even care!”
Mary loved that from Lily: she always wanted to do the right thing, make a noticeable change and make visible women’s issues. Lily had such a fierceness and conviction wrapped on her heart.
After that, the conversation kept going and everyone tried to make Lily feel better. She left the living room to go to the bedroom she shared with Mary (Dorcas and Marlene shared another bedroom, but they had a double bed). Mary followed her and knew Lily wanted to smoke alone in their room. It was her way of dealing with stress and anxiety; she also said it helped her to think.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” Mary said as she walked into the room and Lily looked at her. “I’m only here to make sure you open a window, which you didn’t,” she opened the window that was next to her bed and sat there, while Lily was sitting in her bed.
“Sorry,” Lily muttered while lighting up her cigarette.
Mary let Lily smoke in silence and couldn’t stop watching her: the way her fingers -with really short nails- were holding her cigarette while her knuckles were shamelessly showing, the way her long redhead/orange hair was surrounding her, her jaw tense, her freckles making her even more beautiful and her green sad eyes. Lily Evans felt like a portrait who was supposed to be in an art gallery and everyone should be appreciating her.
Thank God Mary was able to share a flat and a bedroom with Lily to appreciate her every time.
Then, she felt her big heart won against her reason and the photo happened.
Mary left the camera on her bed and approached Lily.
“You’ll find a way,” she hugged her from behind. “You always do it because you’re the most genius person I’ve ever met.”
“Ugh, but I don’t want that,” Lily touched lovingly Mary’s arms that were around Lily’s neck. “Just for once I just… I don’t want this kind of trouble in my life, I don’t want it in my career at all . It makes me so… so bloody angry.”
“I know, honey,” she hugged Lily harder.
Mary had to fight the urge of kissing her because… well, Lily was her best friend and had been since 1971, when they met in Hogwarts. Both of them, along with Dorcas and Marlene, had had a close friendship ever since. The four girls were always together in school, but if anything united them was the fact that they all liked women.
First, Marlene and Dorcas realized they were lesbians. It was funny, Mary thought, because both of them started pining over other girls from school -Marlene even fancied a few girls from her hockey team- and ended up pining on each other. As a matter of fact, Marlene and Dorcas were snogging all the time (even if they thought no one could see them) and said they were just friends as if that’s something friends always do. It was kinda harmful, Mary thought, because she could see how they really liked each other but they didn’t admit it because they were scared of showing it, scared of saying out loud they only fancy women. The 70s were hard, but Mary hoped that it wouldn’t be like this in the future.
When they were sixteen, Marlene and Dorcas admitted they were girlfriends. And haven’t been apart ever since then.
Lily, on the other hand, had been dating James Potter since she was fifteen. They were the popular couple in Hogwarts: most people loved them and loved watching them together. James belonged to the football team (he even was the captain) along with his best friend, Sirius Black, and he had one of the best grades in school, just like Lily. They were always seen together: holding hands, hugging, maybe kissing sometimes. It made everyone sick: either of love or because they were unbearable to watch.
Mary had to admit she felt sick of them sometimes. But Lily hadn’t known about that. There were times in which Lily couldn’t stop talking about James and Mary thought it was hard to listen to. She sometimes felt the urge to talk about boys whenever Lily was like that, just to see if Lily got jealous or stopped talking about James. It felt like a permanent performance.
In 1978, Lily Evans broke up with James Potter. Mary thought she wouldn’t live to see something like that happen since both of them were always talking about what would they do after Hogwarts, they used to talk about having kids and naming the first one Harry, for fuck’s sake.
She told James she was a lesbian, she even realized she only fancies women and never felt that way with boys. It felt different. And she didn’t let her experience of having a boyfriend define her sexuality because she chose not bonding with boys in a sexual or romantic way.
“I was sick of thinking I was bi,” Lily told the girls the moment after she broke up with James. They were in the flat they rented since 1978 -always colorful and full of bands posters, vinyls and plants.
“I mean, I always felt… There was something wrong about me liking blokes. It didn’t feel right. But whenever I was with a girl… it always felt different,” she continued.
“I think I get it,” Mary murmured.
“What did James say?” Marlene asked. They all knew it wasn’t easy to dump your whole-life-teenage-boyfriend who could have guaranteed you a conventional life, because that was expected in women and it could’ve been easier to ignore.
“He told me he completely understood it,” Lily replied. “And, in fact, he sort of had a gay crisis too. So we were equal, I guess.”
Five months after that, Lily ran into James in the supermarket and was surprised to see he was with Regulus Black, his best friend’s brother. When she got home, Lily told the girls.
“Oh, c’mon!” Dorcas exclaimed. “Do I even have to say it?!”
“What are you talking about?” Lily replied. “He was with Regulus, that’s it.”
“You just don’t go to the supermarket with your best friend’s brother. If anything, you go with your best friend.”
“That can mean anything!”
“Lils,” Marlene said. “I think what Dorcas is trying to say is that…”
“It can’t be a coincidence that five months ago he told you he had a gay crisis and then you saw him with Regulus Black,” Dorcas said.
Lily was about to open her mouth and say something, probably trying to defend herself or excuse James for being with Regulus. But she didn’t do that, instead she said:
“ No fucking way ,” she was grinning. “James bloody Potter with Regulus Black?!”
“You know,” Mary said. “For being someone who came out as a lesbian five months ago, you seem to be very slow at understanding this things.”
“Oh, shut up, MacDonald,” Lily rolled her eyes but Mary could see Lily chuckling.
Mary was the only one in the group who wasn’t a lesbian; she always said she was bisexual, even though she had her doubts. The moment she realized she liked girls was when she was seventeen: Mary went to a party and basically snogged Emmeline Vance the whole night. But before that, she dated many boys, even Sirius Black (who she found out was gay, she had her suspicions about it).
“I hate the way my boss makes me feel,” Lily murmured, which took Mary out from her memory. Lily put out her cigarette. “It’s like… I’m never enough for her. It makes me feel so-” Mary noticed her voice was cracking.
“She doesn’t deserve you,” Mary hugged her harder and kissed her cheek. Lily closed her eyes because of the feel of it. “You know she’s a bloody bitch. Perhaps you should-”
“What?” Lily turned to look at Mary. Her bright green eyes highlighted more than usual given her watery eyes at that moment. Mary had the need to kiss her eyelids and tell her everything would be fine. “Quit? Look for another newspaper to write to? Honestly, Mary, where would I go?”
“You can go wherever you want,” Mary murmured while she ran Lily’s hair.
Lily just looked at Mary and said nothing. Then, she leaned and rested her head against Mary's chest. Mary felt so… overwhelmed that her whole body hurt. The only thing she could do was hug Lily again and run her fingers through her hair.
“I’m afraid of not becoming a great journalist,” Lily admitted.
“Who said you aren’t one?”
“You know what I mean. I want to have a memorable career path. And this makes me so-” she took a deep breath. “This makes me so sad and angry and hopeless. It makes me feel that given I’m a woman and a lesbian, I won’t have a place in this world and I can’t do anything at all .”
“Oh, darling, you know this is a man's world. And it’s so unfair and harmful. I know it.”
After that, they didn’t speak. They just stood in silence and Mary let Lily cry all the time she wanted. It made her feel powerless: there was nothing she could do to change Lily’s present, to give her what she wanted, to make her feel happy and comfortable. Mary only hugged Lily harder and hoped it was enough.
“I know I already said this but why don’t you publish your article anyway?” Mary suggested.
“I’m not like you, Mary,” she sniffed. “I don’t want to get into trouble. Believe me, it’s the last thing I need.”
“Your article should be published, y’know? Your writing is beautiful and deserves to be read. It would help so many women, so many lesbians out there.”
“No, Mary, just- just forget about this, okay?” she sighed. “I think I’ll keep writing articles about this kind of issue. I don’t think I’m able to stop myself from doing so. I wouldn’t let myself. I don’t care if it doesn’t get published”
“Then do that,” Mary said. “You know it’s what makes you happy, what makes you whole, what makes you feel alive because you have something to believe in. Perhaps if you write plenty of them, you can convince your boss.”
“Do you think so?”
“Well, it’s better to try than do nothing about it. Perhaps you can convince other newspapers to publish it. I can even help you with photography. You know I can always join you.”
Lily slightly raised her head and looked at Mary and smiled. Every time she looked at her like that -like Mary was worthy and the only thing that existed on this planet- it made her shiver.
None of them were able to get up -not even to put on one of the Queen vinyls they always listened to whenever they were sad- it was so comfortable to be with Lily like this that Mary wished she could stop time forever.
At some point, both of them fell asleep and Mary dreamt of flowers, bright colors and daylight.