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“We should stop sneaking around, James,” Regulus whispered, looking at the beautiful brown-eyed man in front of him. “Sirius will figure out something’s going on.”
Deep down, James knew Regulus was right. They had been seeing each other at least twice a week now, ever since James had stumbled upon Regulus stargazing on top of the Astronomy Tower one night a couple of months ago, in March of 1976, a few months away from the end of James’ fifth year and Regulus’ fourth. Sometimes they talked about anything and everything. Sometimes they didn’t say a word. Sometimes they did homework together. But it was always in the Astronomy Tower, around midnight. Neither of them could explain why this routine had started – it just… sort of happened.
James also knew that his feelings towards his best friend’s little brother weren’t entirely platonic. He didn’t know how, or when, but one day he had realized he enjoyed Regulus’ company a bit too much, and he hadn’t been able to tone down his feelings since then. James had always loved deeply and with his entire heart. Ever since he’d realized that Regulus had entirely eclipsed the feelings he’d once had for Lily Evans, all he could think about was him. Every minute of every day, really.
Regulus probably wasn’t feeling the same thing, but it was okay. He was used to unrequited feelings. And if through this bizarre friendship he could somehow convince Regulus and Sirius to try to be brothers instead of enemies again one day, that was enough for him.
“We’re not doing anything wrong, Regulus,” James answered quietly. “And he doesn’t have to know anyway.”
Regulus simply nodded without saying anything. They were sitting side to side, a few inches separating them for good measure, looking at the starry sky. It was May now, so the sky was mostly clear of clouds, and the stars were shining brightly above them.
“Are your stars visible right now?” James asked after a few minutes of silent.
Regulus nodded once again and got closer to James so he could point them out to him.
“Yeah. Regulus is the brightest star in the Leo constellation, right there,” he pointed it out to James who looked closely. He couldn’t tell exactly which one it was, but he could see that a star near where Regulus was pointing was shining more brightly than the ones around it. “It’s most visible around this time of the year, and also in the winter. And Arcturus is there,” he said, pointing to another star a bit further. “It’s best seen from April to June, approximately. So it’s shining brightly today.”
“It’s beautiful,” James answered. He wasn’t really talking about the stars, though. They were beautiful, but he liked looking at the Regulus beside him more than the one in the sky.
“It is,” he smiled softly. “Sirius is best seen in winter, so it’s not clearly visible right now through naked eyes, and I didn’t bring my telescope.”
“He shows it to me every year on its brightest night,” James replies softly. “Yours are prettier, but don’t tell him I said that.”
Regulus snorted, shaking his head with a smile playing on his lips. His genuine smiles were rare, and James always cherished the moments in which they happened because of him. He had a habit of falling hard and fast. Regulus was no exception.
“Always such a flirt, Potter,” he said, shoving him playfully. James simply looked at him in awe, feeling an overwhelming wave of affection for the boy.
“Only for you, Black,” he responded, and Regulus’ smile faltered, feeling the mood shift around them. James didn’t look like he was joking one bit.
Regulus turned away from James, looking up at the sky again, his face turning back to stone, and James felt his heart sink. He wished things were easier. Maybe if Regulus wasn’t in that awful family, if he didn’t have so many bloody issues, things would be easier. James could tell him he liked him and they’d kiss and it’d be so lovely and they’d run off in the sunset together. But things were never easy in love and war.
“You shouldn’t say things like that, James,” Regulus whispered, his voice barely audible. James probably would not have heard him if they hadn’t gotten closer to look at the stars.
“Why?”
Regulus didn’t answer. He simply stared ahead, and James wished more than anything that he could crawl into Regulus’ mind and see what he was thinking about. He was always so secretive, so careful about expressing his thoughts and feelings. James knew his heart was made of pure gold, but he locked it inside an iron vault that James could only slightly peak into from time to time, like he only knew half of the spell required to unlock it.
James sighed but didn’t press the issue, simply looking straight ahead. He wasn’t looking at anything in particular – he was too focused on thinking about the boy sitting next to him. He was also trying very hard not to think about Sirius, and what he’d say if he knew where James were, if he knew James was currently thinking in great detail about kissing his little brother.
“I don’t want to go back home this summer,” Regulus said after a few minutes. James could tell he was trying hard not to let his emotions show, but he could hear the slight quiver in his voice. Fear. He’d heard it too often from Sirius.
“I know,” James responded quietly. “But Sirius will be there. You’ll keep each other safe, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried,” Regulus responded, a bit of a sharp edge to his voice. James only grinned a little. He liked Regulus so much, but he was just as stubborn as Sirius.
“You can write to me, you know. If you want,” James suggested. “I like these evening talks with you,” he added, smiling sheepishly. He really hoped Regulus liked spending time with him too. He knew he could be a bit much sometimes, always talking Reg’s head off, but he couldn’t help it. When he enjoyed someone’s company, he was all or nothing.
“I’ll think about it,” the younger answered, smiling softly at James. The latter looked at him in the eyes for a couple of seconds, and tore his gaze away, knowing he wouldn’t be able to handle his overwhelming feelings if he looked at those gorgeous grey eyes for one more moment.
James pulled out a cigarette from the pack he always kept in his pocket, needing something to calm his nerves, and put it between his lips before lighting it with the tip of his wand. Remus always did it the muggle way with a funny little device called a lighter, which was way cooler, but James was more of a traditional magic type of man.
He could feel Regulus staring at him but he didn’t look back, focusing on the feeling of the smoke filling his lungs before he exhaled. He knew it was a nasty habit, but he couldn’t quite get rid of it.
“That stinks,” Regulus stated, making James snort.
“I thought you’d be used to it by now.”
“No. The smell is awful and I don’t know how you could enjoy putting it in your body.”
James simply chuckled, pretending he couldn’t feel Regulus staring at the cigarette, and took another drag, closing his eyes. After another couple of minutes of silence, he put out his cigarette and vanished it with a flick of his wand.
“You’re just saying that because it makes me look cool and you’re jealous, Reggie,” James said in a teasing tone, making Regulus playfully role his eyes.
“Right. Keep telling yourself that, Jamie,” the younger replied mockingly.
Even when Regulus was making fun of him, James wanted to kiss him. Especially when he called him Jamie. Coming from other people, the nickname always annoyed him, but from Regulus? Merlin, it was doing things to him. Very unholy things that he’d rather bury in the very back of his mind.
“We should probably go back to our dorms,” Regulus sighed. “I know you don’t care for it, but I don’t particularly wish to get detention and lose points for being out at this time. It’s nearly one in the morning.”
James chuckled and got up, reaching his hand out for Regulus to take and get up as well. The contact of Regulus’ cold hand on his warm palm made him shiver and he stood there dumbstruck, looking at the boy in front of him. He had never been like this, not even with Lily. He’d never liked someone to the point of his brain losing its ability to function at the smallest physical contact.
“James?” Regulus asked, looking at him quizzically, tilting his head slightly to the side. He didn’t let go of his hand though. James felt like his brain was going to leak out of his ears. He was so fucking gorgeous.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he busted out, unable to stop himself. His eyes widened when he realized what he’d just said. Oh no. What was bloody wrong with him?!
Regulus’ entire body stiffened in front of him. It was one of the only times James had seen him lose his usual composure in that way.
“Do it, then,” he whispered. If they hadn’t been standing so close to one another in the silence of the night, James probably wouldn’t even have heard him.
But he didn’t need to be asked twice. His brain barely had time to register what was happening before his body sprung into action, his free hand – the one that wasn’t holding Regulus’ – coming to the back of the younger neck to pull him close.
James laid his lips on Regulus’, and everything else disappeared around them.
It wasn’t the first James had kissed someone. He was 16 after all, and had snogged a few girls here and there, but this was different. The other times, it had been hurried, rough, heated. Not this one, though. It was slow and sweet, almost loving, and for the first time in his life, James wondered if it was possible to get high on the sensation of a kiss only.
Regulus pressed his chest against James’ and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning into the kiss, a soft whimper escaping him. He was a few inches shorter, so he had to tilt his head up a bit, making James absolutely melt. If James had been able to think properly at this second, he would’ve realized that Regulus seemed to have been waiting for this moment for as long as him.
They stayed like this for a few moments, maybe a few minutes, or maybe a few days. Completely lost in each other, breathing each other in, their lips sliding softly against one another, like they had all the time in the world.
James eventually deepened the kiss, caressing Regulus’ tongue with his own, making Regulus let out another sweet, lovely whimper. The brown-eyed boy slid his hands into the younger boy’s curls, getting absolutely lost in the moment. He had never felt so at peace than at this very moment. He felt like he could take on the world, like everything would be alright one day, because Regulus was kissing him, and he’d never felt anything quite like this. It was like James had spent his entire life in a dark cave, never seeing the night sky, and kissing Regulus was like seeing the stars for the first time.
Regulus was the one to break the kiss, eventually. He rested his forehead on James’, breathing hard, his cheeks flushed and his lips bruised.
“I have to go,” he murmured, his voice hoarse, before taking a few steps back, and eventually walking at a fast pace towards the door.
“Reggie, please-” James pleaded, but before he had the time to say anything else, Regulus was already gone.
James looked at the closed door, his eyes tingling. He sighed, leaning against the wall, and let himself slide down to the floor, wondering what Regulus kissing back meant, and why the fuck everything always had to be so difficult.