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“We should head back.”
It had been such an unexpected statement that Yuu just stared at him for a moment. “Huh? Head back? Where to?”
“To the others,” Mika said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world and stood up. “If we leave now and keep walking throughout the night, we could make it till tomorrow morning and-”
“Mika,” Yuu grabbed his arm and pulled him down to his side again, “what are you talking about?”
Mika looked away and just stared into the fire in front of them. The flames got reflected in his blue eyes.
Silence.
Only the sound of cracking branches from the campfire and an owl hooting on a nearby tree were there.
It felt like forever until Mika took a deep breath and finally continued. “I think it…it would be best if we just go back and-and do it…”
“What-”
“You want them back, don’t you?” he asked quickly, not even meeting his gaze, “You’ve…come so far and endured so much…You shouldn’t give up on it just like that just because-”
Yuu grabbed him by his shoulders and yanked him around, forced him to face him. “Mika. I won’t do it. I won’t-”
“Do we bring back everyone’s family? Or do we bring back him alone?”
His grip tightened around Mika’s shoulders and he shook his head. “It’s okay. You’re…tired. I get that. We’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s freezing. Goddamn freezing. But you’ll see. Tomorrow, we’ll find a better place. Promise. So for now, let’s just-”
“We can’t run.”
“Huh?”
“We can’t run!” Mika said it louder this time, slapping his hands away. “No matter where we'll go, no matter how far we'll go…they will find us. You heard it yourself. He chose humanity. There’s no way he will let us go and potentially threaten his plan.”
“Then we…we just have to run farther!”
“Yuu-Chan.”
“Guren may be a smart-ass and know-it-all, but he’s not all-knowing. There must be a place even he can’t find. We just have to search long enough and then we’ll-”
“Yuu-Chan!”
There was silence at first and then…
“It’s alright,” Mika said with a smile that wasn’t reaching his eyes at all. “I don’t mind it.”
Nonsense.
“Akane and the others...you want them back. I know that. It’s alright. I’m fine with it. You can go ahead and-”
Yuu grabbed both of his hands. “Mika, I’m not giving you up!”
“…”
“For real. Screw it. All of it. If I have to choose between you and the world, the world can go to hell. Saving humanity…bringing back Akane and the kids…it’s all meaningless if you’ll…if you'll disappear.”
“…”
“…I’m not stupid. Making me choose between you and the world…it’s not just about who to resurrect. Demons are former vampires, right? And if all the vampires will die, then demons will also probably…” He shook his head and tightened his grip around Mika’s hands. “I…don’t want that. I rather let everything stay as it is. There’s just no meaning in such a world. No meaning without-”
“Stop it.” Mika freed his hands from his and looked away from him. “All of this talking about choosing me over the world and why…none of this is real. Your feelings…aren’t real. They’re just…part of the plan…” it came out as a barely audible whisper as he stared into the fire with an absentminded look in his eyes.
It had been a mistake.
He should have never agreed to that. Should have never let Mika search through his - their - memories again. Should have never let him revisit that one specific one from who knows how long ago from who knows what life.
That one damn thing…
“Cuz it’s my job to wake him up! I was born to do it.”
If only he had known how this would affect Mika beforehand. How distant he would be getting towards him…How much hung up on this he would become…
If only that memory or whatever it was could have been destroyed and be forgotten forever…
“…You didn’t betray your friends because you genuinely chose me…but because Sika Madu created you that way. You were just…programmed to prioritize my resurrection over everything else at all given time, that’s all.”
Mika was saying it so calmly, as if it was the most well-known fact there was...Just how could he believe even one bit of it? It just made no sense…
“None of these…are your real feelings. They’re just a mean to make sure you’ll fulfill your purpose one day. To make sure nothing will get in the way of my resurrection. Everything…was just part of the plan all along. Sika Madu’s backdoor and last trump card, nothing more…”
He really had to pull him out of it again.
“Come on, Mika. That’s not true. You know that, too. I know you’re pretty shaken up by that stupid memory and that’s okay. Really. Seeing myself getting born out of an eye and all of that…was pretty weird and crazy to me, too. But what ‘I’ said…it’s probably just a misunderstanding. It has to be. Trust me. There’s absolutely nothing fake or ‘programmed’ about how I-”
“And how do you know that?” Mika was looking at him again. “If you were created that way right from the start. If all your feelings have been defined even before you were born, how would you be able to tell the difference? How would you know whether it’s fake or not?”
“Well, I…I just know.”
There was a small but sad laugh coming from Mika before he looked away once more. “Nonsense.”
“It’s not! Listen. I may not be the smartest or…maybe I’m not smart at all...but one thing I know for sure is that those eight years I’ve been knowing you for definitely were not consisting of something fake. Even if I have to give it to you in black and white, I know that nothing about my feelings is fake. Okay, maybe that angel dude really had planned for it to be that way, but that doesn’t mean it actually worked out. Like, what we saw was probably from a long, long time ago. Something must have gone wrong at some point and now this whole plan is just completely-”
“Stop with it already!”
Mika was someone who never gets worked up about something to the point of yelling. Who always stays levelheaded and calm. For him to have such a sudden outburst…It had been so unexpected and unusual, Yuu flinched.
“’Something must have gone wrong’? You think it’s that simple?! He had been planning this for centuries! As if anything could just ‘go wrong’ like that! He wouldn’t allow such a failure!”
“But-”
“No! Enough with the excuses! I don’t want to hear them anymore! It’s futile, okay?! Just…futile…” His voice got way, way quieter, almost turned into a whisper. “Everything is…just a lie…”
And suddenly, there was a sob and a tear was streaming down Mika’s face.
As if by reflex, Yuu reached out and wiped that tear away, but almost instantly, Mika slapped his hand away again.
There were no words to describe the pain that was rushing through his chest in that moment...
God damn, that was just so ridiculous. All of it.
How can you tell that what you’re feeling is real and not fake? You just know. You just feel it. But how do you prove that knowing and feeling to someone else? How to prove it to Mika?
Ever since he became his demon, they were connected to each other more than ever. Mika should have already known that his feelings weren’t fake, but apparently he was so caught up in this that he wasn’t able to reach him that way this time…
But what else was there to prove it to him? To convince him? All he could do was saying he knew. That he just knew. And there was no doubt about it. Because if everything was just a lie…if all of his feelings regarding Mika were fake…if they were just artificially created so he would wake up that angel one day, then why…
“…Then why do I only want you?”
That his voice could be that soft...it was baffling even to himself.
At least, it was enough to make Mika look back at him again. His face was all red from crying and tears were still streaming from his eyes and down his cheeks.
Yuu swallowed. “I…I don’t want some angel I don’t even know. I want you. The one I met 8 years ago. The one who made me his family. The one who gave me a family. The one who laid down beside me and held my hand whenever I had nightmares. The one who wanted me despite of everything. The one who wasn’t afraid of me….who wasn’t seeing me as a demon.”
“…”
“The one who’s always there for me and who has my back, no matter what. The one who’s smart and clever and always thinks things through. The one who always puts others first and himself last - as much as I don’t like that sometimes. The one who’s so stubborn that even I can’t compete. The one who scolds me for being reckless. The one who nags me about not using my brain more often. I want all of it. All of you.”
“…”
Yuu reached out again, wiping a tear away. This time, Mika didn’t resist and so he fully placed his hand on his cheek.
Tear after tear kept streaming down, but he didn’t let them pass, catching every single one of them with his thumb.
They were so warm…completely contrary to his cold skin.
“I...don’t like it when you cry.” A tear found its way down his hand and left behind a trail of warmth along his palm. “Maybe you think that’s also some fake feeling, but it’s true. I really don’t like it. I rather see you smile and laugh and…and…”
Just when had they gotten so close…?
His heart was suddenly beating so fast, so loud against his chest that everything around them just got drowned out by it.
The wind rustling in the trees. The cracking of burning branches in the fire. The owl hooting now somewhere in the distance. All that was there just a second ago…gone.
Mika was still looking at him with these soft, glassy, bright blue eyes.
Damn. It was such a beautiful color. The color of the sky. The sky he had always liked so much. Of course there was no way he couldn’t like Mika’s eyes with that color. Or…was it actually the other way around? Did he maybe…like the sky so much because it reminded him of Mika…?
Suddenly, there was this urge to let his gaze wander and he gave in to it. He let it travel down and down and down until…
Mika’s lips were slightly parted and they were trembling and they looked wet from the all tears and…Damn, they were still so close. Just a little bit more and he…
He looked back up and into this beautiful vibrant shade of blue again.
Within an instant, Mika seemed to understand. His eyes grew wide and he backed away from him and his touch. His face was so red - definitely not just from crying alone anymore - and it was turning redder and redder.
Mika looked away and there was this one single move that was about to bring more distance between them.
It was enough for the pain to rush through his chest again and almost reflexively, Yuu reached out and took hold of his hand.
Mika didn’t move any farther and slowly, he shifted his gaze back to him.
If there had been any sign of him being uncomfortable or of him really not wanting any of this, Yuu would have let go of him right then and there. But all there was written on his face and in his eyes was uncertainty and…and fear.
So he still was racking his brain about this ‘fake’ thing. Was still afraid of everything just being part of the plan…
His words from before did have an impact, that was for sure. Still, they didn’t seem to have been enough to erase all of his doubts.
If he still wasn’t believing him, if he still was thinking of his words as lies…then he just needed something else. Something that could never lie. Something that was the truest proof he could offer him.
With Mika still looking at him, he guided his hand towards his body and placed it flat on his chest.
It was crazy. Even with his hand on top of Mika’s, the rapid pounding of his heart was still so palpable…
For a moment or two, Mika just looked at the spot his hand was touching and seemed to be lost in his thoughts before he looked back into his eyes again. Even though it seemed to be less now, the uncertainty and fear was still there to some extent.
Maybe it will be always be there. It was okay, though. It was his job it prove it to him again and again, then. To show him that these were his honest and genuine feelings and not something fabricated. That he chose him not because of some millennial old plan but because it’s him. Because he doesn’t want to lose him. Because he’s more important to him than anything and anyone else in this world. That no matter how many times he needed to, he would always choose him and only him.
Time and time again, he would prove it to him. Even if it takes years, centuries or even longer. Until he believed him. Until he had no doubts anymore. Until that fear in his eyes was gone.
Once more, Yuu let his gaze wander lower, let it stay there for a split second, then looked back up again.
This time, Mika wasn’t freaking out, wasn’t looking nor backing away from him. Not even when Yuu slowly drew nearer to him again.
He got closer and closer and closer to him…with Mika’s eyes falling more and more and more shut, just like his.
Yuu stopped.
There were just mere inches left between them. Their noses were already brushing against one another and Mika’s warm, unsteady breath was hitting his lips.
It must have been close to half a minute that passed like that with them not moving and their eyes half closed.
Only when Mika’s fell completely shut and he let out one last breath, similar to a sigh, Yuu fully closed his and leaned in.
Their lips touched and Mika’s hand on his chest clutched at his uniform.
…Did it just feel like it or…did his heart really skip a beat at that moment?
If Mika felt it, too…?
Damn…it was so warm. It still must have been freezing out there and still, everything was so, so warm. He was so warm. From his face, down to his stomach, to his toes, just…everywhere.
If ‘home’ was different for everyone, then this was it for him. In everything of this. In this warmth. In this feeling of adrenaline rushing through his body - similar to when he’s fighting a strong enemy but so, so much better. In this feeling of the world around them simply not existing anymore. In this incredible tingling and fluttering sensation in his stomach. In these shivers that were running down his spine again and again. In this feeling of his chest being about to burst. In this hand clutching at him - the same hand he was holding on to. In the way the fingers of his other hand were digging into the earthy ground. In the way he was getting shorter and shorter of breath. In the way they were parting to catch short breaths. In the way they kept leaning in again and again and again. In these cold but soft still salty tasting lips. In the slow, soft and gentle way Mika was kissing him back…
This was home. He…was home.
But…there was also something else. Something stronger than this feeling of being home. Something that was hard to grasp and even harder to explain. It was just that this feeling of ‘home’ seemed so tied to Mika that it seemed impossible to ever have this with someone else or rather...he didn’t want to have this with anyone else but him. Being with Mika like this - having him close, kissing him, experiencing ‘home’ and all these other things - was something he only ever wanted to have with him…
It was so hard to explain…
Only catching these short breaths…it was getting too much at one point.
Oh, how he wouldn’t have minded slowly losing all of his oxygen if it meant staying in this moment forever.
But if he had passed out, Mika would have been worried and probably would have never kissed him again. That really wasn’t something he wanted to risk, so as hard as it was, he broke the kiss for good.
He opened his eyes and suddenly, Mika slumped against him, burying his face into his shoulder, and inhaled and exhaled deeply.
“Is…everything alright?” Yuu asked.
“Y-yeah.” Mika took another deep breath. “I’m-I’m fine. It’s just…” And another, much slower and deeper one. “It…feels different. When you’re feeding on desires and you’re the center of them all…”
“So…you were feeding just now?”
“…It was hard not to. Your desires were all over the place…”
“And…how do you feel now?”
“…As if I could take over the whole world…”
Yuu smiled at that and leaned his head against Mika’s. “That makes two of us, then.”
No further words were exchanged.
Mika was still breathing heavily and unsteadily for a moment or two. There was one last time of deeply exhaling and then, the hand that has been clutching at his shirt so tightly all this time was losing its grip. He didn’t pull it back nor seemed to be uncomfortable with Yuu holding on to it, though.
Slowly, even his breathing started to get normal again.
At least, it seemed like he was finally able to relax.
If only Yuu had been able to as well…
His heart…it was still beating so out of time. It just didn’t want to slow down and it was so nerve wrecking and unpleasant.
Distraction. He needed distraction. Needed to concentrate on something, anything but this loud and fast thump sound in his chest.
Easier said than done when just about everything got drowned out by it, though…
Everything…except for Mika’s now soft and steady breathing that was so close and so, so calming and…
He closed his eyes and took a deep, deep breath, held it for a second and then exhaled just as deeply. Again and again.
In…and out…
In…and out…
In…and out…
The more he kept repeating it, the more he started to fall into a more steadier and calmer pace, more and more matching Mika’s until they were almost completely in sync.
It was baffling how much it helped. How bit by bit, his heartbeat was slowing down and was getting so quiet that the cracking branches and the owl could be heard again.
Only faintly, though.
Mika’s breathing was just so loud and so clear, it was drowning everything out. Maybe he also just wanted to focus on it so much. On the slow and steady inhaling and exhaling. On the fact that Mika was alive. That he was there with him. That he was so close to him. That he-
“Yuu-Chan, I-”
He opened his eyes. “Hm?”
There was a short pause, almost as if Mika was hesitating. “N-no. It’s…It’s nothing…”
“Come on, Mika. It’s never ‘nothing’.”
“…”
“What is it?”
“…”
“Tell me,” he said in a soft whispering tone and Mika’s breath audibly hitched at that and he tensed up.
“N-no. I-I really shouldn’t…”
“Why?”
“…It would just bring bad luck…” Mika said so quietly, you could barely hear it.
“Hm…let’s see. We had to run away. We’re being chased by literally everyone there is. We don’t have anything to stay at. We don’t even know where we could go. We’re in the middle of nowhere. It’s freezing. The fire is about to go out. The floor is the only bed we have. We have nothing to eat and-Wait. No. I have nothing to eat.” He paused. “Say. How does it work? If you’re feeding on my desires while I’m starving…does that mean you're feeding on my desires of wanting to eat something or…?”
Mika snorted.
If only he could make him laugh more…
“Anyway. You see, we already have plenty of bad luck by now. It can’t get much worse than that. Especially not just because of something you say. But even if…” Yuu moved a little so Mika had to lift his head from his shoulder. “We’re still together. Even if the whole world is after us, there’s no one the both us can’t beat and nothing the both of us can’t do, right?” he said and gave him his brightest and warmest smile.
Mika just looked at him with big eyes. Then, his gaze became so incredibly soft and gentle but also somewhat glassy, as if he was about to cry again any second.
There was this reflex again and he reached out to catch every tear that could possibly fall, but-
“I love you.”
Yuu stopped right in his tracks and it was his turn to look at him wide-eyed.
Mika seemed to take a deep breath before he looked down and pulled back his hand that had been resting on his chest till then. “I…know that I can’t offer you anything. That I’m a demon. That I…don’t even have a body in the real sense of the word. That I’m bound to a weapon and to you to be able to exist here at all, if you can even call it that. That there might be no way for me to ever become human again. That you…that you’ll grow old and die one day while I…probably stay like this forever. A never aging monster with no real body that lives for all eternity. Still, I…” he looked back into his eyes again. “I love you. I-I wish I…could say more than that, but I don’t know how or what. I just…I love you. I always have. Ever since we were kids. More than anything and anyone else. More than I can ever put into words…”
“…”
His body was suddenly feeling so heavy. Too heavy to move even one muscle. His voice got stuck inside his throat and it was hard to breathe. His heart was pounding so quickly and loudly…It was as if it was about to leap out of his chest any second.
Every sound around him was drowned out once again. All that remained was Mika’s voice that was echoing in his mind again and again…
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
Oh.
So that was what it was. That feeling that had been so hard to explain before. That feeling of wanting Mika to be the only one to share all these things with. That feeling of there being no other home like there was with him.
He was-
“Sorry…” Mika suddenly said, “That…was stupid and…really bad timing. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry. Let’s-let’s just forget I said anything and just-”
There was only a small gasp that followed right before Yuu pressed his lips against his.
This time, it was just short lived. It probably were just a few seconds until Yuu broke the kiss again and…
“I want to do this for the rest of my life…” he whispered with his eyes still closed and what must have been mere inches away from Mika.
“…T-taking others by surprise?”
Yuu let out a small laugh. Mika really could beat him at being oblivious sometimes and that was actually really difficult to do.
He opened his eyes and pulled back. “Kissing you.”
Mika just stared at him wide-eyed and his face was turning red.
There was this look of uncertainty again shortly after, but this time, Yuu wasn’t going to let him have any doubts about this. He reached for his hand and placed it on his chest, let the loud and quick beating of his heart do half of the task at hand and then…
“Mika, I don’t care what you are. Human, vampire, demon…as long as it’s you, I don’t care. If it really bothers you or if it’s too painful, though…I’ll find a way. Even if there’s none. Even if it takes years or longer. I’ll definitely find one.”
“…”
“Seriously, what was that talk about you not being able to offer me anything? You’re already giving me everything. Even more than that. More than I even deserve. More than I can ever give you back. More than I could ever ask for. That means if I asked for it because I don’t. There is nothing to ‘offer’. I don’t want anything. Only you.”
“…”
“It’s not true that you don’t have a real body. If it was…” he reached out his other hand and rested it on his cheek. “Then why can I touch and feel you…and vice versa?” Slowly and gently, he caressed his skin with his thumb and Mika grew tense. “See? You’re here, Mika. There is no ‘having a real body or not’. You’re here. Maybe there are a few limitations, but you’re still here. With me.”
“…”
“Being with you…I don’t want this to ever change. Even if you’re a demon and I’m human. I don’t care. Although…as if I’m completely human myself. There were so many times already where I should have died, but I didn’t. Who knows? Maybe I’m actually immortal and won’t grow any older than this. I wouldn’t mind, though. Eternity. As long as I can spend it with you.”
Mika kept looking at him wide-eyed for another moment or two, but then his gaze softened. There was this glassy look in his eyes again and this time, a single tear streamed down which Yuu wiped away with his thumb.
That look of uncertainty was gone. All there was now was this soft and gentle gaze and…and a smile. Mika was smiling. It was so warm and so full of affection and so, so damn beautiful.
If only he could make him always smile like that…
That urge was there again. This urge to just lean in and kiss him, but…
All of a sudden, Mika was the one kissing him.
It was so short lived. Even shorter than the kiss from before or…did it just feel like that? There wasn’t even time to close his eyes nor to fully take in this feeling again since it was over so soon again…
When Mika broke the kiss, he only pulled back enough so their noses were still brushing against one another and his breath was still palpable on his skin. Slowly, he opened his eyes but didn’t seem to dare meeting his gaze.
Yuu gave his hand he was still holding on to a little squeeze and finally, these beautiful sky-blue eyes were looking into his again.
He held his gaze for a short moment and then smiled at Mika.
Gently and slowly, he caressed his now warm cheek with his thumb. Once. Twice. Then, with his eyes falling shut, he pulled him closer and…
And Yuu was home again.