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When Hyungu ignored him, Yonghoon always knew that meant something was up. But usually it would only last a little over a day; it had now been going on for almost a week. Hyungu had begun hanging out with Giuk more instead of him which made him a bit sad, jealous even, but he figured that if Hyungu was happier that way, he had no right feeling hurt. But having his own boyfriend ignoring him left a hole in his heart that was slowly growing bigger and deeper with each day Hyungu didn’t say a word to him.
At one point, Yonghoon pondered the thought of Hyungu possibly cheating on him with Giuk, but he knew that was nonsense and quickly brushed the thought away. Sure, Hyungu would joke-flirt with the others, but Yonghoon was positive that he could never do anything like that.
He was laying in his bed like usual when Harin walked in. It was past one in the morning, but Yonghoon couldn’t sleep. When Harin laid down in his own bed after washing up, Yonghoon took this opportunity to speak to him about the past few days.
“Hey, do you know what’s going on with Hyungu?”
“Not anything new that I’m aware of—the only thing new, I guess, that I’ve noticed is that he’s hanging out with Giuk a lot more.” Yonghoon sighed.
“It’s just that though; he’s been ignoring me and I don’t know why,”
“I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe he’s losing feelings,” Yonghoon had never even thought about that. What if he was? It was entirely possible, but Yonghoon prayed for that not to be the case.
“What if… he is… ” Yonghoon felt tears stinging at his eyes. While he was still so helplessly in love with Hyungu after over a year, while he was possibly already running out of that love. In the grand scheme of things, one year really isn't that long.
Harin immediately regretted saying what he had, and quickly apologized. “I’m sorry, it was just a thought. I don’t think he is, don’t worry too much. I’ll tell him to talk to you soon if you want.” he suggested. Yonghoon was hardly paying attention, his mind was thinking solely about the fact that Hyungu may not even love him anymore .
“Yonghoon?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want me to talk to him and see if he’d be willing to work it out with you?”
“Yeah… that’d be great. Thank you,” Yonghoon said, still a bit spacey, but comprehending.
“No problem, I’ll see if I can find him tomorrow,” Yonghoon nodded his head even though he knew Harin couldn’t have seen it. He shut off the lamp on the bedside table and silently cried himself to sleep.
—
He woke up at noon the next day and got himself semi-ready to go get his hair re-dyed. He was getting tired of his black hair and wanted it lightened and reddened, so he had scheduled an appointment two days prior. The appointment was only an hour and a half after Yonghoon had woken up so he had to scramble to get ready. Harin and Dongmyeong were both out and he had no idea where Hyungu and Giuk had gone, but they weren’t at the dorm.
Yonghoon’s hair took about two hours total but it was absolutely worth it in his opinion. He hoped maybe Hyungu would notice and compliment him, but he remembered that he probably wouldn’t even bat an eye. His head was filled with good thoughts until then. His day was already going downhill and it had only been three hours.
He got back to the dorm and by then, Dongmyeong was back home. Harin was still out but had told Dongmyeong that he would be back within the hour. Yonghoon still had no information on Hyungu or Giuk’s whereabouts.
The second Yonghoon walked through the door, Dongmyeong could tell there was something wrong. “Is everything okay, Hyung?”
“No,” he didn’t even try to hide it as he fell backward onto the couch.
“You can talk about it, unless you don’t want to—that’s okay, too,”
“Thank you, Dongmyeong,” Yonghoon paused as he thought of how to start. “Maybe Harin already told you about this, but I don’t think…” he wanted to re-word his sentence. “I think Hyungu is losing feelings.” Dongmyeong’s expression immediately dropped; clearly he hadn’t been informed.
“He’s been ignoring me for the past week and I can’t seem to think of a single thing I could have done to make him not want to talk to me, but clearly there’s something I’m missing,” Yonghoon was getting emotional just as he had the night before. “I don’t fucking get it, Dongmyeong. I still love him so much but it seems that he’s running out or has already run out of love. He won’t let me talk to him.” Just then, Harin walked through the door and Yonghoon and Dongmyeong's attention shifted to him.
“I talked to Hyungu and Giuk and they'll be here soon. Giuk wants to talk to you first. Hyungu seemed disinterested... so I’m not sure what you should expect from him.” Harin said in an apologetic tone. Yonghoon nodded his head sadly, letting out a sigh.
When those two returned to the dorm, Giuk pulled Yonghoon outside to talk.
“Hey, I’m sorry for not realizing how distant Hyungu has been with you. I don’t think it really hit me until just before Harin came. Honestly, I’m not too sure what’s going on with him either… but even when he hangs out with me he seems to be in a bad mood. I hope things get better between you two and I’m sorry if I was the main thing pulling you apart.” Giuk said every word with the most sincerity he could.
“I know you wouldn’t do anything intentionally, but thank you for still talking to me,” Yonghoon gave an unsure smile and pulled Giuk into a quick hug.
“I hope everything goes smoothly,” Giuk gave a reassuring smile and Yonghoon nodded as a thanks. The two headed back inside and Hyungu was yet again nowhere to be found. Yonghoon sighed for the millionth time, slightly annoyed but slightly relieved; at least now he had a bit of time to gather himself.
Yonghoon waited in the living room for Hyungu to come home. He waited there even after everyone went to sleep. He waited even when his eyes struggled to stay open.
He was about to text Hyungu, concerned as to where he had gone, but he walked through the door just as Yonghoon pulled out his phone as if on cue.
“Oh, hey. I didn’t think you’d still be up,” Hyungu said quietly, a bit shocked, hiding something behind his back, being sure Yonghoon couldn't see.
“Were you still trying to avoid me?” Hyungu knew the answer was yes but he shook his head and sighed.
“I knew I was going to have to talk to you eventually, but I was stalling, clearly,” he admitted. He walked over to Yonghoon as he let his arms lay naturally, revealing a bouquet of flowers that he was hiding behind his back. “Here, as a part of my apology,” Hyungu handed over the bouquet and crouched on the ground in front of Yonghoon.
“Thank you,” Hyungu hummed with a smile on his face. Until he could put them in a vase, Yonghoon set the flowers aside so he could focus his attention on Hyungu who grabbed his hands and stared up in his eyes with an apologetic expression.
“I’m sorry, Yonghoon. I thought avoiding you would make me feel less shitty and prevent you from becoming overwhelmed but it did quite the opposite.”
“So you still love me?” Yonghoon asked, tearing up for the second time that day. Hyungu stared at him for a moment out of pure shock.
“What makes you think I don’t?”
“I was talking to Harin and he said that maybe you were losing feelings—”
“What? No!” Hyungu's eyebrows furrowed and he held Yonghoon's hands a bit tighter.
“You know that you can talk to me… that was part of the agreement; that we’d both be there for each other,” a few tears found their way from Yonghoon's eyes and down his face. “You don't have to hide it from me. I can see it… and I just want to help you. But I can’t do that if you avoid me.”
“But I don’t want to bombard you,”
“I get that, but if I can help you it would make life better for the both of us,” Now Hyungu wanted to cry, but he didn’t.
“So what’s been on your mind recently?” Hyungu wasn’t sure he was ready to tell Yonghoon.
“I don’t want to talk about it yet.”
“That’s okay. Just let me know when you’re ready, alright? You can talk to me whenever, I’ll always listen.” Yonghoon said softly as a few more tears raced down his cheeks. Hyungu nodded and buried his head in Yonghoon’s neck.
“I’m sorry. You’re not too mad at me are you?” Hyungu still wanted to cry but he managed to hold it in.
“It’s okay. Now that I understand a little better, I have no reason to be upset with you.”
“You’re too forgiving, why don’t you hate me? I’ve been treating you horribly and you’ve done nothing to deserve it,” Hyungu tensed up and his shoulders began to move up and down. Yonghoon felt a few of Hyungu’s tears run down his neck which were caught by the collar of his t-shirt. Yonghoon pulled his right hand from Hyungu’s and began to rub his back in circles. As a comforting gesture for himself, Hyungu held onto Yonghoon’s thigh and gently rubbed it in a loop-like pattern with his thumb.
Hyungu got up from the floor, still holding Yonghoon’s left hand, and sat beside him, facing his direction. Yonghoon turned to face him a bit more and Hyungu threw his arms over Yonghoon’s shoulders as he touched his nose to Yonghoon’s, their lips barely touching.
“I’m so sorry, Yonghoon. I love you,” Hyungu sobbed.
“I love you too,” Yonghoon barely had to move to touch Hyungu’s lips. Oh, how Yonghoon missed being able to kiss Hyungu—Hyungu felt just the same. Having gone so long without a kiss from Yonghoon, Hyungu was deprived of it; he wanted to kiss Yonghoon for hours just to make up for the week he had forced the both of them to endure without a single one.
“I missed you,” Yonghoon said, pulling away for just a moment. His hands found their way to Hyungu’s sides as he gently caressed his frame. Yonghoon kissed him again.
“I love you,” he whispered between softer kisses. Finally getting to feel Yonghoon again, in his arms, on his lips; it made Hyungu want to sob for the next two weeks. He missed him so much even though he knew it was his own fault. His fingers ran through Yonghoon’s hair, almost tugging at it as he wanted more of him. He couldn’t describe how desperate he was for Yonghoon’s love and how desperate he was to love Yonghoon.
“I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s not even funny,” Hyungu told him.
“I don’t think you can love me any more than I love you,” Yonghoon, as gently as he could, pushed Hyungu down on the couch, his legs spread out on either side of Hyungu’s waist. He was just as longing for Hyungu as Hyungu was for him; so he kissed him a bit rougher, but they didn't go any further than that.
It ended after that. Both of their lips were a bit swollen, faces flushed and hot, both slightly out of breath.
Hyungu grabbed the front of Yonghoon’s shirt and pulled him down once more, giving him another kiss.
“That wasn’t enough?” Yonghoon asked with a chuckle. He laid on his side between the back of the couch and Hyungu who also turned on his side, to get scooped up in Yonghoon’s arms.
“No. It’s been a week, I have to make up for it,” Yonghoon’s hands were initially rested on top of Hyungu’s shirt and over his stomach, but he managed to slip one of his hands under Hyungu’s shirt to rub his belly with the very tips of his fingers.
“As if I haven’t said it already, I love you,” Yonghoon said as he traced a heart upon Hyungu’s skin.
“I love you too,” he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry again. I’ll try to be more open.” Yonghoon planted a kiss to the back of Hyungu’s neck and buried his nose in his hair.
“Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here,” They laid there in silence until Hyungu spoke up.
“Your hair looks nice, by the way,” A big, dumb smile came to Yonghoon's face.
“Thank you.”