Archive of Our Own

Felix could remember in great detail the day that his heart was shattered into a million little pieces.

It was graduation day, and all of the graduating class had walked across the stage with smiles on their faces and their eyes to the future. For Felix, he was looking forward to his summer of freedom with his boyfriend Hyunjin.

The two had been dating for years and everyone was betting that they’d end up among the first to get married. Felix couldn’t say that he minded the idea at all. But after Hyunjin had been avoiding his gaze the entire ceremony, he wasn’t sure if they were as stable as everyone else thought them to be.

After sharing hugs with all of his family and taking picture after picture, he finally received a text from Hyunjin telling him to meet behind the auditorium. There was a sudden feeling of dread that settled into the back of his mind, but Felix refused to speculate about anything before he heard from Hyunjin himself.

The walk around the building gave some time to calm down and think a little more clearly. But as soon as he rounded the corner and saw Hyunjin give him a sad look, he knew.

“It’s over.” Hyunjin said, lowering his gaze to the ground.

The words sent a shockwave straight to his heart. “What do you mean ‘it’s over’?” he asked as a reflex even though he knew what this meant.

“I’m breaking up with you.” he said shortly.

The coldness in his voice was jarring compared to the boy he had been in love with for the past four years.

“W-why? Did something happen? Did I do something wrong?” Felix questioned desperately.

Tears were already streaming down his face and his voice was already cracking as he spoke, but when Hyunjin flinched away from his touch as he stepped forward, that’s when he truly broke.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Felix,” Hyunjin said, finally looking him in the eyes again. “I just..”

“What? Tell me what it is and maybe we can figure this out.” Felix pleaded, but Hyunjin was already walking away.

“Hyunjin!” he called out, but the other boy just kept walking. “Why won’t you talk to me?” he shouted through a sob.

Hyunjin had only turned around when he reached the corner of the building. Felix could see tears streaming down his face as he gave him another pitiful look.

“I’m sorry.”

And that was it. Hyunjin left Felix behind the auditorium a sobbing mess and without any type of explanation. His mother had found him moments later with his heart lying at his feet in a bloody mess.

In some ways Felix thinks he’s almost grateful for what Hyunjin did. Now, he doesn’t have any expectations when it comes to love. Now, his heart doesn’t break as much when he watches another one walk out the door. He wouldn’t say that he had a lot of boyfriends since that day, but he did try to date again. There were three in total: Seonghwa who was always a little too flirtatious with other people, Mark who was always too busy to spend any time with him, and then Changbin who decided that they’d both be better off as friends.

If he were honest, he never truly felt anything for any of them. When Hyunjin broke up with him he left a hole in Felix’s heart, and he had been trying to fill it ever since. They always say that your first love will always stick with you, and no one knew that more than Felix.

It was a quiet day on campus and Felix had just finished his last class of the day. He was headed to the cafeteria to grab something to eat when he saw his friends at a table in the courtyard. He tried to sneak up behind Jisung to scare him, but failed miserably when he nearly tripped on a rock.

“Oh, hey Felix, just the person I wanted to see!” Jisung exclaimed as both him and Seungmin looked at him.

“What are you doing?” Seungmin asked with an amused look.

Felix pouted as he sat down next to Jisung. “I was trying to scare him.”

Jisung let out a small laugh as he reached over to ruffle Felix’s hair.

“You’re like the least scary person ever.”

Felix’s pout only deepened further as he mumbled about having a black belt in Taekwondo, but Jisung didn’t hear.

“I have some news that you might be very interested in.” Jisung said with a mischievous smirk.

“What is it?” Felix asked warily.

“You know Lia right?” he asked and waited for Felix to nod before he continued. “Well she was telling me in class today that she had to show around a new transfer student this morning. And she said that he was very nice and that he looked like he could be a model!”

Felix watched as his friend beamed at him excitedly. He knew where he was going with this but he still had to ask.

“Why are you telling me this?”

Jisung smirked. “Because~ I told her that he should introduce him to us.”

“Jisung-” Felix was about to object, but was cut off.

“I know what you’re about to say, and I understand that it hasn’t been that long since you and Changbin broke up, but this guy is so your type!” Jisung began. “He’s tall, handsome, and has long hair. And! He’s apparently a really good dancer. Minho has met him too since he applied for the dance team, so you’re going to be meeting him anyway.”

When Jisung finally stopped talking it was silent for a moment as he thought about it. Suddenly, Seungmin, who had been quietly listening the entire time, spoke.

“I think it would be nice for you too, but you don’t have to.”

“Yes, of course you don’t! And I’m sorry if I’m making you feel that way.” Jisung quickly apologized, shoulders deflating a little.

Felix smiled softly at both of them. “There’s no need to apologize, Sungie, I’ll meet him.”

The look on both of their faces almost made Felix lauh, but Jisung threw his arms around him in an unexpected embrace. “This is so exciting!” he exclaimed as he practically bounced in his seat.

“You might wanna cut back on the Americanos, Ji.” Seungmin said with a chuckle.

Jisung responded by maturely sticking his tongue out.

Felix really hoped he wasn’t making a mistake.

As soon as Felix finished his lunch, he headed straight to the campus library. While he wished he could go straight to his dorm room and take a well-deserved three-hour nap, the weight of his assignments already hung heavy on his back. And with the way Chenle screamed as he played video games, there would be absolutely no progress made if he were to go home.

The library, he found, was incredibly comforting. The silence was peaceful, but the presence of others was what made it feel safe. Felix had never been a big reader, but he’d definitely consider the library one of his favorite places.

When he entered the building, he greeted Ms. Kim at the front desk and continued on, weaving through the shelves until he made it to one particular spot. It was a small table meant for two that was tucked away behind the historical section. There was a small window that overlooked the courtyard in the back that Felix could spend hours gazing out of.

He sat down and pulled out the project that was due next week and began to silently work. Around thirty minutes had passed when he decided to take a break on the paper he was writing. His back had already begun to feel stiff so he decided to get up and walk around for a moment.

Felix made his way around the entire history section, stopping twice to greet some people he had classes with. He had just made it back out to the main set of tables when the sight of blond hair caught his eye. He could only see the back of the person’s head, but they were clearly tall and had a sense of familiarity that Felix couldn’t place right away. The person was talking to two girls and Felix did not want to be caught staring, so he started to move away. But the stranger turned to the side just as he did, making Felix freeze dead in his tracks.

Hyunjin. The blond-haired stranger was Hyunjin.

Felix was surprised he even remembered what he looked like considering he had spent the last two years avoiding even catching a glimpse of the older boy. Hyunjin turned slightly again and Felix immediately snapped out of whatever spell he was under. He scurried away quickly and went back to get his stuff at the table. He had to get out of there, and he had to do it fast.

Felix managed to make it all the way to the front without drawing too much attention to himself. But as he got to the front desk, he checked to see if Hyunjin had noticed him at all, only to see that the boy was gone. This confused him, which made him stop to search around the room; he could’ve sworn he was just there.

As he went to move again, he was not paying a bit of attention and smacked right into what felt like a brick wall, but he knew it was a person. A loud bang rang out in the now way too silent room as some books fell to the ground.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” He apologized.

He bent down immediately at the same time as the stranger, scrambling to pick up the books.

“It’s alright-” the stranger began to say but then abruptly stopped.

Felix looked up curiously, but found that his own words were stolen right from his mouth. His heart stopped the moment his eyes met Hyunjin’s.

“Felix.” Hyunjin whispered his name like he was running out of air. It was all suddenly too much for Felix.

He didn’t say a single thing as he pressed the books he had gathered into Hyunjin’s hands, and took off straight out of the door. He ran and didn’t stop until he reached the edge of the campus only to catch his breath. Why of all places did Hyunjin have to be here? The last he’d ever heard or seen of the boy was graduation day.

He leaned against the side of one of the buildings, ignoring the few stares that came his way. His mind was absolutely racing as well as his heart, and it wasn’t just because of the running. Suddenly the conversation he had with his friends echoed in his head, ‘he’s tall, handsome, and has long hair!’, Jisung’s voice repeated back to him.

“No no no no no…” he whispered frantically.

Hyunjin cannot be the new transfer student, there’s no way. But why else would he be here at some random college when he should be off doing who-knows-what?

“Oh my god,” Felix said in realization. “The dance team.”

He was going to drop out. That was the only viable option since he couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same vicinity as Hyunjin. At least he was definitely quitting the dance team because there was no chance in hell he was going to dance with him.

After a moment or two of having his inner crisis, he finally pushed himself off of the wall and went straight to his dorm room. When he finally made it inside, he was lucky to find that Chenle wasn’t even there. So he took the opportunity to lay down on his bed and scream into his pillow until he had enough. He was so mentally and emotionally tired that he ended up knocking out only waking up when he heard the door close.

Chenle must have come in again and left before he could wake up. Normally, he’s not that much of a light sleeper so he must’ve been worse off than what he originally thought. As he sat up in his bed he picked his phone off the table beside him only to see six missed calls from Jisung and twelve messages.

Sungie: Felix! We’re going out tonight, you should come with us!
-We’ll be at Rosie’s club.
-Felix?
-Lix! Answer me!
-I’ll call the cops if you don’t answer me in the next 10 minutes!
-Yah! Answer your Hyung!
-Alright, you’ve left me no choice
-I’m gonna do it
-Lix, I’m serious!
-Okay, I’m not that serious
-I’m getting worried :(
-Answer me!

He let out a chuckle as he read the messages. Leave it to Jisung to be overdramatic. He thought to himself for a moment before he sprang up from his bed. He definitely needs a drink, or two, after what happened earlier.

Felix had sent a text to Jisung before he got ready to which Jisung blew up his phone even more out of excitement and relief that his friend hadn’t, in fact, died. It didn’t take long to get himself dressed up and to the club. It was Friday night, so it was a little bit crowded. As he passed by, he could feel the eyes of every person linger on him. He was dressed in a black skirt, black cropped top, fishnets, and a belt chain to match. His hair was half up in a ponytail with pretty little earrings adorning his ears. He looked good, but most importantly, he felt good.

He spotted Seungmin up near the bar and as he got closer, he also saw Jisung and Minho there as well. They were pressed close together and Felix couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey guys!” he called over the loud music.

“You made it finally!” Jisung exclaimed, throwing himself onto Felix.

Minho chuckled. “He thought you had died in your sleep.”

Felix rolled his eyes and gave each of his friends a hug. “As you can see, I’m very much alive.”

“And I’m so very glad because I have something exciting to tell you.” Jisung replied with a devilish grin.

This cannot be good.

“What is it?” Felix asked, not liking the way Jisung was smiling at him.

“You know that transfer student I told you about?”

The question seemed to almost immobilize him. “Y-yeah?” he stuttered.

Jisung’s grin widened. “He’s here! Lia invited him and said that she’d introduce him once you got here,” he said, practically bouncing. “Oh! I think that’s him coming this way.”

Felix tried to fight the urge to turn around, but ultimately failed. He saw Lia first, her small stature doing nothing to hide the giant that was Hyunjin behind her. She had a bright, almost mischievous smile on her face that matched the one Jisung was sporting. And then his eyes landed on Hyunjin’s, and suddenly Felix forgot how to breathe.

It wasn’t fair that in the time they had broken up, Hyunjin had grown even more handsome than he already was. He did, in fact, look like he belonged on the front cover of a magazine, a fact that Felix would never admit out loud.

“Hey guys!” Lia shouted excitedly as she approached.

She hugged everyone quickly and then turned toward Hyunjin. “Everyone, this is Hyunjin, the new transfer student I told you about,” she introduced, and it was at that point Felix had turned his gaze to the floor, unable to look at him any longer. “He’s an art major and does some modeling on the side!”

His friends enthusiastically greeted Hyunjin, Jisung jabbing him with his elbow when he didn’t say anything. Rolling his eyes, Felix raised his gaze again and willed his expression to look as neutral as possible.

“Hi.” he said plainly, his voice sounding unnaturally tight.
Felix could see the hurt flash across Hyunjin’s face, but he tried to keep his cool. His friends, and even Lia, gave him strange looks as the moment had become very awkward.

“Alright then, I guess Hyunjin and I will be getting some drinks.” She laughed nervously.

“It was nice meeting you all.” Hyunjin said quickly as he was dragged away with a lingering look in Felix’s direction.

After they had walked away, Jisung turned on him so fast he jumped a little.

“What the hell was that?” Jisung demanded, looking bewildered. Felix was the type to greet people with open arms and excitement, so it must’ve been weird to see him treat someone so coldly.

“What was what?” Felix feigned ignorance.

“You were a little rude there for your standards, bokie, I never thought you had it in you.” Seungmin interjected.

“Exactly! You agreed to meet him, so why’d you act like that?” Jisung questioned.

Felix looked down again, wondering if he should come clean. Eventually, he just sighed and decided they needed to know the truth.

“We dated,” he began, watching the various expressions of shock settle in on their faces. “In high school, for a very long time.”

There was a moment of silence between everyone, and Felix was worried that they wouldn’t say anything at all and just leave him after that big revelation.

“That is the asshole who dumped you on graduation day?” Jisung nearly screamed, and if he were anywhere else Felix would’ve had to calm him down. “You said his name was Sam!”

Maybe the silence wasn’t so bad.

“It is Sam, I just didn’t want you to search for him and stalk him like you did with Seungmin’s ex.” Felix replied.

“Okay, that’s fair,” Jisung began, calmer than before. “Did he know you were here when he transferred?”

“He knew I was coming here, I talked about it all the time when we were together.” Felix answered, the memories starting to flood back. He could feel the tears start to build up in his eyes.

“I’ll kill him.” Jisung said, noticing how distressed Felix seemed to be.

“Me too.” Seungmin agreed.

“We can cook him in the air fryer.” Minho suddenly offered, which made Felix laugh a little.

“There’s no need for that, Hyung. I just plan on avoiding him for as long as I can.” Felix said.

“Well we’ll make sure he stays away. I’ll have to go let Lia know.” Jisung assured as he slipped away.

Seungmin suddenly came into his view with an outstretched hand. “You wanna go dance?” he asked, eyebrows dancing on his forehead.

Felix took his hand tightly. “I would love to.”

The dance floor was packed as they had to push their way through body after sweating body to get to the center. But once they got there, Felix could feel himself unwind. Dancing came naturally to him, and was the very reason why he came to Korea to study. He loved to lose himself to the rhythm of a song, and express that through his body. Under the flashing lights and stifling body heat surrounding him, Felix let everything wash away.

He and Seungmin danced for what felt like nothing but Felix knew they’d been out there for a while. “I’m gonna go get something to drink.” Seungmin shouted.

It was like something snapped Felix back to reality when he said that, and suddenly he could feel his own thirst as well.

“I’ll go with you.” Felix shouted in return.

They had made it all the way out of the crowd when someone had grabbed a hold of his wrist. He expected it to be Jisung, but was unpleasantly surprised to see Hyunjin’s face when he turned around.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Hyunjin asked almost innocently.

“No.” Felix responded, yanking his wrist out of Hyunjin’s grip.

He tried to walk away, but Hyunjin just moved back in front of him, blocking his way.

“Please, it’ll just be a moment. I swear,” he pleaded, but Felix was not having any of it. He searched for Seugmin, but it was like his friend had vanished. “Felix, please.”

Maybe it was the way he called his name, or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t seen him in two years and there were so many questions Felix wanted to ask, but he couldn’t find it in himself to say ‘no’ again. Slowly, he turned back to Hyunjin, the other still staring at him like a wounded kitten.

“Fine,” he sighed, watching Hyunjin’s face become hopeful again. “But we can’t do this here.”

And without another word, Felix headed straight for the exit, feeling Hyunjin trail behind him. When they got outside, Felix sent a quick message to the group chat and then followed Hyunjin to his car. It was completely silent as they drove. Neither of them had the courage to say anything even when Hyunjin pulled into the parking lot of a park nearby.

Felix could tell that the other was struggling with what to say, so he rolled his eyes and spoke. “What’re you doing here, Hyunjin?” he asked, knowing at any moment he was going to break down into tears. “Out of all the places you could’ve transferred to, you chose the one college you knew I would be at.”

Hyunjin looked down, almost shamefully, and then turned his whole body so it was facing Felix. “I came here for you,” he admitted. He looked at him with the most sincere gaze Felix had ever seen.

“What?” Felix asked disbelievingly.

“I want you back, Felix,” he said, reaching over and taking a hold of Felix’s hand. “There hasn’t been a day in the past two years that I haven’t been in love with you.”

Felix looked at the other in shock for a moment before he jerked his hand out of Hyunjin’s grasp. If it were any other person, Felix probably would’ve eaten the words right up, but coming from Hyunjin’s mouth just made him incredibly angry.

“Are you joking?” Felix asked harshly.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened at the tone. “No?” he replied, which made Felix roll his eyes once more.

“You dump me right after graduation without explanation, don’t speak to me for two years, and now you transfer colleges and tell me you want me back?” he said, his volume rising with every word. “You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to break my heart, and then come back as if nothing happened!”

It was at that point Felix began to break down. The tears were pouring out like a stream, and his voice was wavering too much to keep talking. Hyunjin tried to comfort him, but as soon as Felix felt his hand, he swatted him away.

“Felix, I’m so sorry,” he began as his own voice started to shake. “I know that I’ve hurt you, and I know that I’ll spend forever making it up to you, but at the time I genuinely thought I was doing what was best.”

“And you thought that breaking up with me on graduation day and then not talking to me again was the best for what exactly?” Felix spat angrily.

Hyunjin sighed and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “My dad got an offer from his old job in America, so he wanted me to study over there at a law school. I tried to negotiate with him, but he wouldn’t have any of it. I tried to tell you but I could never bring myself to do it because you were so happy about coming here together. I realized that you deserved a normal college experience without me holding you back. I wanted you to be able to make friends and live your life without you worrying about me.” he confessed, and it felt just like a punch to the gut.

It was relieving to finally hear the reason, especially after two years of questioning everything about himself. But he couldn’t stop his anger from rising.

“You’re such a jackass,” Felix almost whispered. His tears began to rush down his face as he glared at Hyunjin. “We could’ve made it work, but like always, you decided to take the easy way out.”

Hyunjin sat there unable to say anything else; he looked so ashamed, and Felix hated the part of him that felt bad.

“You already had your chance to be with me, Hyunjin, and you fucked it up.” And with that, Felix angrily got out of the car, slamming the door in the process. He heard Hyunjin’s door open and listened to him get out in a hurry.

“Felix, please wait!” he called out, but Felix was already walking away. “Felix!”

Felix began to run away, still listening to Hyunjin call out to him until he got far enough away where he couldn’t hear him any more. He didn’t look back, all he did was run. He ran past houses and stores. He ran past groups of bewildered strangers who whispered as he went by. He ran until the stinging sensation in his side was unbearable, and he nearly forgot why he was running at all. He found himself in a part of the city he had never been before, so he quickly ordered a taxi and waited in front of a small convenience store.

As he waited, he couldn’t help the stream of tears that started to fall down again. A few people gave him curious glances, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. How could Hyunjin be so stupid? How could he think that breaking his heart would be better than a long-distance relationship?

By the time that the taxi arrived, Felix’s tears had dried up enough to look somewhat presentable.The ride home was surprisingly quick as the driver took a few shortcuts, which Felix might have to thank his extremely puffy eyes for. Once he stepped inside his dorm room again, it was like a giant weight was lifted off his chest and he was finally able to let himself relax.

Very faintly, he could hear Chenle’s snores filter through the room. He tip-toed to his bed, not even bothering to clean up or take off his clothes, and climbed into it under his comforter. It was honestly uncomfortable to lay there in the outfit he was in, but he had zero energy to take anything but his shoes off. He laid there for a while thinking about the very long day he had and waited for sleep to take him away.

After his talk with Hyunjin, Felix tried to avoid the elder like the plague. It was hard, however, because wherever Felix went, Hyunjin was almost always there as well. In the cafe, in his painting class, in the courtyard. The worst of it though was in dance club. Felix knew he’d be there, so it was the only time he wasn’t surprised to see Hyunjin’s face. But it was hard to be so close to him again, and to have him watch Felix’s every move like a hawk.

Minho tried his hardest to keep the two separated, but there was only so much room in the tiny dance studio. There were times where Felix would get so lost in the choreography, he’d end up right next to him like Hyuunjin was some kind of magnet drawing him in. By the end of it, Felix had had enough and didn’t even wait for Minho to dismiss them before he left.

He desperately wanted to go to his room, but he had about a million assignments to take care of, so he made a beeline for the library. It was peaceful as he entered as barely anyone looked to be in there today. He greeted the librarian and made his way back to his usual spot.

The thing about libraries is that they’re the ultimate safe haven. Whatever problems you have, you can always escape them even if just for a minute. As Felix sat there and worked, he realized that it was the first time all day that he felt relaxed.

It didn’t last long though as the sound of footsteps could be heard approaching. He didn’t pay them any attention as he thought it was just another person passing by. But as he heard them turn the corner, he heard the person let out a loud sigh of relief.

“I found you.” Hyunjin’s unmistakable voice said. And just like that, Felix’s moment of peace was over. His irritation was growing by the minute as he turned to face the other.

“Can’t you tell that I don’t want to be around you, or do I have to take off across campus again to prove my point?” Felix asked in a low voice.

The bite in Felix’s voice made Hyunjin visibly wince. He stood awkwardly and nervously played with his hands. Felix waited for him to say something, but after more hesitation, he huffed and began to gather his things.

“No, wait!” Hyunjin exclaimed in a whisper. He ran in front of Felix to block him from moving forward.

“I-I just,” he began with a stammer as Felix looked at him coldly. “I just want to apologize again.”

The sincere look on his face made Felix reluctantly sit back down. He didn’t really want to hear any more excuses from the other, but he knew that he deserved a better apology than the one he got Friday night. So, he watched intently as Hyunjin sat down across from him, still fidgeting with his hands.

“Go on.” Felix gestured after another moment of silence.

“I’m sorry, Felix,” he apologized as he looked into his eyes. “For everything that I’ve done. I was a really foolish teenager who was so afraid to lose you that I just pushed you away myself. And that wasn’t fair to you.”

Hyunjin had tears in his eyes as he said it, and Felix’s resolve crumbled right as the first one ran down his cheek.

“Thank you for the apology.” was all Felix could get out as a lump began to form in the back of his throat.

“I know that it’s hard to be around me, but I hope that we can become friends.” Hyunjin suggested, surprising Felix. Just the day before he was wanting to get back together.

“I’m not sure about that, Huunjin.” Felix said honestly. There was a slight glimmer of hope in Hyunjin’s eyes, but after Felix had spoken, it had quickly disappeared.

“I see…” he replied sadly.

The hurt look on his face made Felix almost regret his words, but he knew that they both weren’t in the right headspace to be in any relationship together. So he awkwardly collected his things and stood up. He hesitated for a moment, watching Hyunjin’s downcast gaze. Before he could stop himself, the words were already out of his mouth.

“Hyunjin?” he called. His gaze immediately snapped up to Felix. “I’ll see you around.”

And with that, Felix walked away, but not without seeing a hopeful look return to Hyunjin’s face.

When Felix got back to his dorm room, he felt somewhat lighter. He was still upset after everything that happened over the weekend, that much he knew. But he also knew that Hyunjin was genuine when he apologized. Hyunjin was the type of person that would do whatever it took to make things right again, so Felix accepted the fact that he would be seeing him quite frequently now. It was something that Felix loved about him when they were together.

Luckily, Chenle was not in the dorm like Felix thought he would be so he was able to finish his coursework in peace. But thoughts of Hyunjin still swarmed his mind throughout the rest of the night. He wondered if Hyunjin would leave now that he knew Felix didn’t want to get back together. He wondered if he’d just move on and start a new relationship with someone else. Both thoughts made Felix upset, though he had no idea why.

The rest of the week had been a lot easier. Although Hyunjin’s presence was practically always near, he managed to keep his distance. Even in dance club he was able to stay on the opposite side of the room from him. However, ever since their talk in the library, Felix would continuously run into the other there.

At first, Felix gave him the benefit of the doubt as they had accidentally stumbled upon each other in the non-fiction section. They greeted each other awkwardly, grabbed whatever they needed and scrambled away. But then it kept happening. Felix would see Hyunjin at one of the study tables as he walked in. Then he’d bump into the taller boy as he came around the corner of one of the shelves. But the icing on the cake was when he made his way back to his usual spot, and as he turned the corner, lo-and-behold there was Hyunjin sitting at the spot.

Hyunjin was intensely into sketching what Felix assumed was the little patch of flowers in the courtyard. He didn’t even glance up as Felix approached the table.

“Hyunjin.” Felix said, startling the boy in his seat. Hyunjin nearly threw the pencil he had clutched in his hand.

“Oh, Felix, you scared me.” he said as he put his hand to his heart dramatically.

“You’re in my spot.” Felix pointed out, trying not to show his irritation.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened and began to scramble to put his stuff up. “Right, sorry, I just saw those flowers down there and wanted to draw them.” he explained nervously. The waiver in his voice made Felix feel bad for basically making him get up.

“Stop, you don’t have to move, you were here first. I’ll go find another spot.” he said quickly, about to walk away.

“No, wait!” Hyunjin called out, wincing at how loud it was. “You can sit here too if you want. I won’t disturb you.”

Felix contemplated for a moment, seeing how Hyunjin fidgeted in his chair. As soon as he met the other’s eyes he couldn’t refuse, so he just let out a long sigh and plopped his stuff down onto the table. He could tell that Hunjin was trying to bite back a huge smile.

It was awkward to sit there in front of his ex like that. Felix had almost considered getting up and walking away just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the suffocating tension between them. But he never did. They just sat there in silence, Felix working on his project that was due the next day and Hyunjin working on his sketch. Felix tried not to, but he couldn’t help but sneak a few glances at Hyunjin’s drawing. He had always loved it when the elder drew things for him.

Apparently, he was not being subtle at all as Hyunjin was smiling knowingly as he glanced up at Felix. Felix blushed slightly at being caught, and tried his best to concentrate on his work. It continued on like that for another half hour until Hyunjin made a noise of satisfaction and dropped his pencil on the table.

“Finished!” he exclaimed happily.

Felix’s eyes traveled back down to see the finished product. Hyunjin saw this and quickly held it up like he had just won a grand prize.

“Do you like it?” Hyunjin asked. Felix could hear a nervous edge to his voice.

He took his time to admire the drawing, and he had to admit that it was gorgeous. He wouldn’t dream of telling Hyunjin this now, but Felix thought that he was one of the most talented artists he’d ever seen.

“It’s pretty.” Felix commented simply.

He watched as a light pink began to dust Hyunjin’s cheeks, mortified to realize that he had been staring a little too much at it.

“It’s yours then.” Hyunjin declared as he slid the drawing towards Felix.

Felix looked at the drawing in confusion. “Why are you giving this to me?”

Hyunjin didn’t answer right away. Instead he gave Felix a sweet smile and looked at him with the same eyes that always made him so weak.

“Because pretty people deserve pretty things.” he said sweetly.

Felix was too flustered to respond to that. All he could do was just sit there and watch Hyunjin gather his things with his tongue tied.

“I’ll see you around, Felix.” he said before he left. Felix swore the other had an almost smug expression on his face when he said that.

Snapping out of his daze, Felix scoffed in disbelief and rolled his eyes. But as he looked back down at the drawing, something began to pull on his heartstrings and he felt somewhat sentimental. He decided that it would be rude to throw away something someone worked so hard on. And if anyone saw him tuck away the drawing in his folder like it was a delicate little flower, he’d deny everything.

Meeting Hyunjin in the campus library was becoming almost normal now. Every time he went to the spot by the window, Hyunjin would already be waiting there for him. Most of the time they’d sit in silence, working on their respective assignments, or, in Hyunjin’s case, drawing. Other times, on the rare occasions, Felix would entertain Hyunjin in simple conversation. It was really Hyunjin that carried the conversation about something completely random, while Felix occasionally nodded along.

It made Felix feel incredibly conflicted because, on one hand, he was still hurt, but on the other, he secretly enjoyed Hyunjin’s company. He chalked it up to the fact that he hadn’t been able to see his friends that much this week since he’d been so busy. At least, that’s what Felix was trying to convince himself.

“Hey Felix,” Hyunjin said to catch his attention.

It was another day of them meeting at the spot and working in silence. Felix raised his head from where he was reading something from his textbook, and looked at Hyunjin questioningly.

“Are you doing anything this weekend?” he asked shyly.

Felix’s eyes widened slightly and he briefly forgot how to talk.

“I don’t think-”

“It’s not a date if that’s what you’re thinking,” Hyunjin cut him off nervously. “I was hoping that you’d come with me to this garden that I found. As friends that is.”

Felix hesitated to answer. He knew that he should say no; whatever they had going on right now did not need to develop into anything more. But his mouth had other ideas as he quietly said “Okay.” and went right back to work.

He couldn’t see the other’s face, but he could tell Hyunjin was shocked by the lack of movement from him.

“A-alright. Cool. I’ll meet you here on Saturday at one. Does that sound good?” Hyunjin asked.

“Y-yeah, sounds good.” Felix replied awkwardly, too embarrassed for some reason to look up.

They didn’t say anything else for the rest of the time. Eventually, Hyunjin got up and, with a little wave, made his way out of the library. When he was gone, Felix allowed himself to drop his head in his hands.

“Why did I say yes?” he spoke to himself.

The rest of the week it was like they danced around each other, too awkward to be around each other for too long. Apparently, the tension between them was visible as Minho confronted him after dance practice that Friday.

“Hey, Felix,” Minho called out to him just as Felix was about to leave. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Felix looked at him curiously, hoping that it wasn’t something bad. Minho waited until everyone else was fully out of the room before he started to speak again.

“Alright, I just have to ask. What is going on with you and Hyunjin?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Felix’s eyes widened as he was caught off-guard. “I don’t know what you mean.”

It wasn’t a complete lie since he didn’t know what Minho was talking about now, but he did have some kind of idea. Minho didn’t buy it though.

“Come on, Lix. You two have been sneaking glances at each other the entire practice, and blushing every time you get close to each other.” Minho replied exasperatedly.

Felix wanted to deny that he was blushing; he was just getting anxious with everyone’s eyes on him today. But as he was going to say that, Minho gave him his infamous ‘don’t bullshit me look’, and the argument died on his tongue.

“We’re hanging out tomorrow.” Felix stated in defeat.

He didn’t want to tell any of his friends out of fear that they’d try to spy on them. Minho’s shocked expression was already making him regret telling him.

“Hanging out?!” he exclaimed. “What about that whole “I’m going to avoid him’ thing?”

Felix sighed heavily, dropping his bag on the ground and then plopped himself down too. Minho followed suit, sitting crossed legged in front of him.

“I tried, but it’s like everywhere I go, there he is. So I guess I just gave up, and now we’ve been sort of spending time together at the library.” Felix confessed tiredly.

“Do Jisung and Seungmin know?” Minho asked.

Felix shook his head. “No. I didn’t want them to get worried.”

Minho considered that for a moment and nodded in agreement. “I guess that’s fair given how Sungie can be.”

“I will tell them though. I just have to figure out the right way.” Felix said.

“Well, you better do that soon,” Minho remarked. “Jisung’s not going to be happy that I found out before him.”

Turns out Minho was right. He had called his friends right after his talk with Minho and asked to meet up in the courtyard. When he told them about him and Hyunjin, and Minho’s conversation, he thought Jisung might have a heart attack.

“You’re going on a date with him? And you told my boyfriend before me?!” he exclaimed in offense.

“Yeah, I’m pretty upset that Minho-hyung knew before me too.” Seungmin added.

Felix gave them an apologetic look. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t plan on telling anyone,” he said sheepishly. They both gave him a flat look in return.

“Alright. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you guys to freak out. Also, it’s not a date, we’re just hanging out.”

After a moment, Jisung sighed in defeat. “I know I can be a little too protective, and I know this is ironic coming from me since I tried to set you up with him in the first place, but he hurt you.” he said earnestly. “And now I’m worried that he’s just going to do that again.”

Jisung’s confession made Felix’s heart swell with emotion. He loved his friends dearly, and he was thankful for them every single day.

“I know, Sungie, and I love that you look out for me the way that you do. I promise I’ll tell you everything that happens,” he said as he pulled his best friend into a hug. “Besides nothing is going to happen between us, I don’t have feelings for him like that anymore.”

But even as he spoke those words, there was something inside of him that felt off. Apparently his friends didn’t buy it either as Seungmin leaned over to Jisung and whispered “I’m not so sure about that.” while Felix wasn’t looking.

When Saturday afternoon came, Felix felt like he might puke. He spent the better part of his morning trying to find the right outfit, a fact that no one but him will know about. So now all that was left to do was meet Hyunjin at the library.

“You can always just call it off.” he said out loud to himself.

But he took one last glance at the ‘good luck’ messages from his friends, and decided that it wouldn’t be the end of the world to give Hyunjin a chance at friendship. He set off to the library with surprising quickness so he had to remind himself to slow down. As he approached the building, he could see Hyunjin waiting on a bench outside. He looked just as, if not more, nervous as Felix which made him feel a little better.

When he got into view, Hyunjin spotted him immediately and gave him a blinding smile.

“Hey!” He greeted softly. Felix had wanted to kick himself for the fluttering feeling that erupted when he saw him.

“Ready to go?” Felix asked, trying to hide his nervousness.

“Yeah!” Hyunjin said excitedly as he jumped up from the bench. “It’s not that far from here, so I hope it’s okay that we walk.”

“Yeah, totally.” Felix replied.

They both walked side-by-side, making sure that there was enough distance between them . It was silent between the pair until Hyunjin spoke up.

“So, how are your classes?”

“They’re alright, I guess. It’s just a lot of work honestly.” Felix responded with a sigh.

“I understand. Professor Oh had us submit three assignments on the same day last week,” Hyunjin huffed in annoyance. “It’s like he thinks that his class is the only one we take.”

Felix chuckled a little.

“He’s definitely a hardass. But at least you’re getting his class out of the way, I had him last semester and seriously considered dropping out.” Felix admitted with a laugh.

“That bad, huh?” Hyunjin asked in amusement.

“You have no idea.” Felix replied.
Hyunjin slowed to a stop, making Felix almost keep walking without him if he hadn’t reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“You could tell me about it if you want. About everything that’s happened to you in the past two years.” Hyunjin said sincerely. He looked at Felix with a hopefulness that he didn’t know if he could refuse.

What could Felix really tell him? That he spent months feeling numb and not good enough for anyone? Or that once he felt somewhat better, he threw himself from one relationship to the next? The truth for Felix was that the past two years had been hell for him, and the only good thing that came out of it was his friends.

“Um.” was all that seemed to come out. But then a quick nervous glance to the side showed him that they were not too far from the garden’s entrance. “Oh, it looks like we’re here.” he said instead.

The hopeful glint in Hyunjin’s eyes dimmed as he awkwardly coughed.

“Yeah, we should probably go ahead and get inside before the crowd comes.” Hynunjin responded, the previous tension settling upon them again.

The garden was almost magical. When they had purchased their tickets, the first sight they were greeted with was a giant water fountain with an assortment of tulips all around it. Felix found himself captivated with the red ones as he pulled out his phone to snap a quick picture.

“Red tulips represent perfect or true love. Did you know that?” Hyunjin remarked suddenly.

Felix turned to him in confusion and then back to the flowers. “I didn’t. But I guess I can understand why; they’re beautiful.” Felix replied.

“They are.” Hyunjin agreed, sneaking a glance at Felix.

They walked around the garden in awe of how beautiful everything was. Hyunjin filled the silence between them by pointing out all of the meanings behind each flower.

“Carnations can represent many things but in general they represent pride and beauty.” he began when they saw a pink carnation bush. “Pink, however, symbolizes gratitude.”

Felix admired them for a moment before he turned his gaze to Hyunjin and watched as he looked at them with fascination. “How do you know so much about flowers?” Felix asked.

Hyunjin snapped out of his daze as Felix spoke, seeming to get a little too embarrassed to answer.

“You know I’ve always loved romantic things, so a couple of years ago I decided to study flower meanings as a hobby.” he explained as his cheeks turned a deep red.

Felix couldn’t help but smile. Hyunjin had always been a hopeless romantic, that was true.

“That’s cute.” he thought he only said in his mind, but as Hyunjin’s cheeks got impossibly redder, he realized that he had said it out loud.

“I-I um-” he stammered. “We should keep going.”

He pretty much took off towards the topiary that was shaped like an elephant. Hyunjin grinned as he followed behind him. They continued on through the garden, Felix getting slowly warmed up to engage in conversation with the other boy. They talked about things randomly as they passed by flower display after flower display. Every now and then when the conversation would lull, Hyunjin would point out more flowers and tell Felix about what they meant.

When they approached a section of rose bushes, it was Felix that pointed out the meaning this time. “I know this one!” he exclaimed playfully. “Red roses mean love and passion.”

“Correct. You’re making a fine pupil, Yongbok.” Hyunjin joked.

Felix blushed at the use of his Korean name, and laughed. He decided to take a picture of the roses, so he took out his phone again and readied his camera. But when he went to take the picture, the sun was shining directly on his phone screen, so it was difficult to even see where the camera button was.

“The sun’s too bright,” he said in frustration.

Before he could do anything, Hyunjin was right behind him with his hands above Felix’s head to block out the sun. Felix immediately froze, the proximity making his heart pound. He snapped out of it though when he saw Hyunjin’s arms start to slightly tremble. He took a few pictures as quickly as he could before he said “Done.”

Instead of stepping away like Felix had thought that he would, he gently placed his hands on Felix’s shoulder and leaned closer.

“Can I see?” he asked, his breath tickling Felix’s neck.

“S-sure.” Felix replied shakily. He slowly lifted his phone up to where Hyunjin could see them.

Felix’s face was turned away from Hyunjin’s, so he couldn’t see his reaction. Curiously, he turned his face towards the other and sucked in a breath when he saw how close they were. When Hyunjin’s gaze turned to meet him, it was like the rest of the air had been stolen from his lungs. He could feel the tension between them rise to an entirely new level.

It was like they were both in trances as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Felix was mesmerized by just how much Hyunjin had changed, how much he had matured. His features looked more sharp, more dangerous than they had before, and it set something alight within Felix he couldn’t ignore anymore. He watched as Hyunjin’s eyes flickered down to his lips and back up again, beginning to lean in closer. Felix was naturally drawn in as they were inches away from their lips touching, but just as they were about to close the space, Felix suddenly pulled away.

“S-sorry.” was all he said before he took off, leaving Hyunjin confused.

He wasn’t sure where he was trying to escape to so he just ran until he found a little opening where no one was. There he finally let himself exhale as what he almost did played through his mind over and over again. He thought about Hyunjin’s hands on his shoulders, and how he practically towered over him. He thought about Hyunjin’s lips and how soft they looked.

And then he began to think about how nice it had been to be with Hyunjin today and how much he missed the elder’s presence in his life. He thought about how cute Hyunjin was when he showed off his knowledge about flowers, and how sweet he had been the entire time that he’s been with Felix. And if he were honest, he doesn’t remember a day where he hadn’t thought about him.

Felix cursed as he realized one thing: he was still in love.

Right on time, his moment of realization was interrupted as Hyunjin came running into the space.

“Felix? Are you alright?” Hyunjin asked, concerned.

Felix didn’t answer right away, instead he took a deep breath before he looked the other in the eye.

“I can’t do this.” he stated, feeling tears start to well up in his eyes.

“Felix-” Hyunjin began but was cut off.

“No. I can’t do this,” he repeated more firmly this time. “Nothing can happen between us. I can’t- I can’t get hurt again.”

By now the tears had begun to trickle down his face. All of the pain from the past few years came flooding back to his mind and spilling out onto his cheeks. Every time he doubted himself in his relationships, every time he cried over Hyunjin, it all replayed in his head like he was being tormented. He couldn’t go through that again.

Hyunjin looked like he was on the verge of tears himself.

“Felix, there are not enough apologies in the world to make up for what I did. I understand that.” he began gently, taking slow steps closer. “But I am in love with you. I always have been, and I always will be. And if you give me another chance, I promise I will never leave your side again.”

Hyunjin was close enough now to reach out and grab Felix’s hand. Felix didn’t fight it as he was gently pulled forward toward the other.

“How do I know that? How do I know that you just won’t break my heart again?” he asked sadly.

Hyunjin reached up and very gently placed a hand on the side of Felix’s face, and wiped away the tears that were now falling at a faster pace.

“Because I swear, on my life, that I will be the best boyfriend to you if you let me.” Hyunjin answered sincerely.

Felic searched his eyes for any sign of insincerity, but only saw the same look of love and devotion that he always had whenever he looked at Felix. At that moment, Felix finally let himself go. He finally allowed himself to feel everything he had desperately tried to push away.

“Okay.” he whispered.

The smile that broke out on Hyunjin’s face was enough to take his breath away once more. He barely even had time to react before Hyunjin’s lips had crashed into his. The kiss was filled with fire and passion, but it was also gentle and familiar as they reacquainted themselves with each other. They both melted into each other as the kiss deepened and their lips moved against each other rhythmically.

They were both panting as they pulled away. Their foreheads rested against each other as they both smiled sweetly. Suddenly, a thought popped into Felix’s head.

“I don’t know what I’m going to tell my friends.” he said with a small laugh.

Hyunjin just grinned and planted another kiss on Felix’s lips.