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They didn’t know what they’d expected her to look like, but the woman who stood before them was definitely not what they’d expected Alexis to look like. This woman looked strong and confident, that much was obvious and to be expected. But, the aura of her was far softer than they’d anticipated. For some reason, they thought she would feel powerful enough to command a whole room and cold enough to stop a person in their tracks. Maybe there was a facade that she could command because she was undoubtedly powerful. But, that wasn’t the person they were seeing. They could tell she’d hardened some over the years since everything had happened. They could see it in her eyes and the set of her jaw. There was a harshness, a jaggedness. But, she was still so much softer than anyone had prepared them for.
“You’re the shifter,” Her voice was softer than they expected too. There was an edge to it to be sure but it was like the woman had allowed some of her harsh exterior to fall away or, perhaps, she hadn’t been given the time to build it back up before their meeting. William Solaire had been in this room with Alexis just before they had stumbled in with a confused look on their face. Maybe he was the one who had cut through to her true self before they had been ushered in for this meeting.
“And you must be Alexis,” They forced the words from their throat. This was uncomfortable for them. Most likely for her as well. They weren’t sure how they should react to the woman standing before them. All they knew was what Sam had told them about the turning with all his emotion ouring from him like blood from an open wound.
“I would say it’s a pleasure to meet you but I don’t know if that’s the best word choice,” The laugh that followed was hollow.
“Yeah,” They replied in a tight voice. They were tense all over. Their shoulders tight and their body ready to defend itself should anything happen. But, William was right within earshot and he had been so sure that she would do nothing to harm them. All she wanted was to talk.
“Why don’t you sit?” Alexis asked in a smooth voice, it wasn’t demanding but an offer. She was standing, or more pacing back and forth across the small room. Her heels clicked quietly against the ground as she moved gracefully from one side to the other.
“Are you planning to sit?” They tossed back, testing the waters. They wanted to know if she was snappy. To know just how even they had to keep themself. They weren’t known for being even. They were known to lash out. But, they were trying.
“If it would make you more comfortable,” She gave them an attempt at a smile, it came off as more of a wince.
“It would,” They kept their tone even, sparing her from their usual prickly attitude, as difficult as that was.
“Alright,” She let out a huff of breath, not annoyed but resigned or maybe anxious. She circled around the chair closer to her and placed herself down in it with a practiced ease. They nodded and dropped themself onto the loveseat in front of them without any semblance of grace. They noticed her hands wringing together in her lap. The pacing had been a means of externalizing her anxiety.
“Why did you want to meet me?” They asked, their tone only holding a slight hint of attitude they couldn’t hold back. Her unfocused gaze snapped back to their face and they kept their eyes just slightly off from looking directly at hers. The instinct to keep themself from being tranced by a strange vampire still burned into them after Quinn.
“Well, truth be told, I was curious,” She tried to keep her voice level and her face pleasant as she spoke but they could see the strain, “I wanted to see for myself the person who my-… who Sam holds so dear.”
“Are you trying to judge if I’m worthy of him or something?” They tried not to snap but their anger flared up at the insinuation.
“No,” Her hands were up in a defensive position immediately, “That’s not what this is.”
“Then why?” They pushed, their patience already wearing thin. They felt on edge and they didn’t like it at all. They knew Sam was likely restless in William’s study with Vincent at his side. They wanted to leave this whole place and escape back to the comfort of Sam’s cabin.
“I told you, curiosity,” She sighed.
“All this to put a face to a name?” They asked, their expression twisting with confusion and annoyance.
“Not just that…” She trailed off as her eyes looked pointedly down toward the ground. She twisted a ring on one of her fingers in an idle motion to keep the nerves at bay. An uncomfortable and stifling silence stretched between the two. They studied her as she seemed to be lost in some other thought or trying to find the words. They couldn’t tell what was going on behind those eyes of hers, pretty and delicate but with the ability to be piercing and cold in an instant.
“What else?” Their prodding was gentler this time but the silence was too much. It was like a dense choking fog growing thicker with every passing second. It coated their lungs and made it hard to speak or even breathe without discomfort. They’d rather the stilted conversation than the suffocating silence.
“If you’ll listen,” She started and stopped to take a deep breath, “I’d like to tell you my side of that night. Of turning… him.”
“Why?” They were closing up again and they couldn’t help it. But, part of them felt for her. She could barely even say his name. They knew what it felt like to choke on words and to feel them fight in your throat. The way she struggled with his name reminded them of that.
“I just want you to hear the full story of that night,” Her voice was pleading and her eyes soft when she looked up at them, “Make whatever decision of me that you want afterwards but I beg of you to hear me out first.”
They hesitated for a moment. It was odd that she wanted to confide such a thing in them of all people. Her past partner’s new significant other. If their relationship was less strained it would make sense as his maker, but he’d vehemently stated that she knew nothing about being a maker. That relationship between maker and progeny had never existed. So, why?
“I’ll hear you out, but I want to know why you’re so hell bent on telling your side to me,” They tried not to sound rude but they were sure there was venom in their voice. They couldn’t help it. Softness wasn’t a skill they were practiced in.
“I don’t know,” She sighed, a defeated sound, “Maybe I want you to know me, to understand me, and why I did it. If there’s a chance to tell you everything maybe you won’t hate me as much. I can’t change how he feels and I don’t want to try. He deserves to feel whatever he does for me.”
“Okay,” They nodded, their shoulders sagging as they felt some odd sense of kinship to her and her turmoil, “Tell me.”
She was silent for a moment, her eyes open but unfocused as she was more than likely centering herself and finding her strength to pour her heart out to them.
“I loved him,” She started, her tone quiet and pained, “You need to believe me when I say I really did love him. He’s so kind and caring and full of love. There was just so much good to him that it was hard not to give in to that dizzying feeling of falling and those hazy feelings of love. But, I crushed it all. I ruined any chance.” She paused to push her hand tightly against her closed mouth. A few long deep inhales through her nose allowed her to level herself again.
“He had tried to end it that night and I didn’t believe him. I thought I could win him back. I was thinking of that when…” She faltered, “When the crash happened. I’d never experienced anything like it. So much pain. So much blood. It was everywhere. My pulse was racing. Everything was hazy and it hurt so much.”
A pained sob ripped from her throat and she had to stop again, hunched forward and breathing heavily.
“I dragged him out of the wreckage but I didn’t know any magic. I didn’t know how to help. Oh god! All I wanted to do was help. I loved him! I couldn’t just sit there and watch him die! He couldn’t die! I loved him so much I couldn’t just watch him die.”
She looked up at them with pleading eyes full of tears and they saw all the emotions that welled up in her at the memory. All the sadness and panic and pain. It was written all over her face but it also curled around her in waves. Caustic, acrid, and sour. If it was a physical thing it would be ripping and tearing into her, but maybe it was doing just that even still without a physical form. Eating her alive, slowly and painfully. Agonizingly slowly.
“The only thing I could do was turn him. It was the only way. I had to. There was no other choice. He was a healer but there was too much damage. There wasn’t enough time. There was so much blood. There was no way he would be able to heal himself in time but he was so determined! He didn’t want me to do it. He was telling me no. But, he didn’t understand! He was going to die! I couldn’t lose him! I couldn’t bear it!”
Another heaving sob burbled up from her throat, but she just pushed through.
“I know I should have listened to him. I shouldn’t have forced him like that. But, I was so filled with panic. All I could think was that I couldn’t lose him, That he couldn’t die. Not when I could save him! But, I took his choice away. I tranced him. Oh god! I tranced him . But, I thought I could fix it. I thought it would all be okay once he recovered. I fucked up. I know that now. And I hate myself for it. I fucking hate what I forced him to do and how I made him feel. He has every fucking right to his rage. I deserve every ounce of it. And I feel it for myself, ten fucking times over.”
She heaved out a shaky breath and laid her head in her hands as she pulled herself together. As she pushed those emotions back down to whatever place she shoved them, she sat up again and wiped away the lingering tears. They knew exactly what she was doing. They saw how she threw those feelings back in a box because they did the same thing. They shoved the self-loathing and sadness down as deep as they could push it until it inevitably bubbled back up with a vengeance.
“There it is,” She sniffed, failing to keep her voice level, “There’s my side of things. I know it doesn’t change anything, but now you know.”
“Holding onto all of that eats away at you, you know,” The words were out of their mouth before they could stop them.
“You say that like you know,” She whispered, scanning their face now with more scrutiny than she had before, “You do, don’t you?”
“This isn’t about me right now,” They nearly snarled back, their walls trying to prevent her from seeing any part of their old hurt that had festered deep until Sam had come into their life.
“The look in your eyes,” She gasped, “You really do know. Not the same hurt but similar.”
“Wounds that go untreated and hidden fester and worsen,” They choked out without looking at her, “Those feelings are no different and they’ll tear you up from the inside. But, don’t let yourself become a husk. Don’t be a ghost of yourself for eternity.”
A silence stretched between them that was awkward and they felt their stomach churn uncomfortably. They’d said too much and they wished they could escape. They’d let too much of their pain out.
“You’re kind under that jagged exterior,” She mused, her expression almost looking through them.
“It got buried deep under my pain. But,” They hesitated, not wanting to bring him up and cause her more hurt but knowing they had to, “He made it easy. There’s no hiding when it’s just us.”
“I’m glad he found you,” Alexis breathed out after a long moment.
Their eyes snapped to her face, searching for some hint of malice or insincerity but it wasn’t there.
“What?” They gaped at her in disbelief.
“When you talk about him, I can see it,” There were tears in her eyes again, “I can see how much you care for him, love him. Deeply, selflessly.”
They didn’t have words. It was a choked-up feeling in the back of their throat and nothing would come out if they tried. But, she just smiled a soft and sweet smile tinged with sadness. A genuine smile.
“Please, take good care of him,” She whispered, almost pleading, “Protect him the way I never could.”
“You don’t have to ask me to do that,” They told her, “I’m going to.”
“Just take it as my way of giving you my blessing or some shit. I don’t know,” She sniffled and carefully wiped away a few stray tears.
“Alright,” They nodded and gave her the softest smile they could muster, “Thank you, Alexis.”
“I should be thanking you,” She sighed, looking impossibly weary for a moment like these past years had torn her apart and maybe they had. But, she pulled it together and gave them a tired smile of her own.
“It’s fine,” They assured but their voice sounded stiff to their own ears.
“I’ve said what I need to,” She told them in a calm voice, “Thank you for humoring me. I know it sounds hollow with the past as it is, but I want the best for you both.”
“Thank you,” They breathed. The genuine feeling behind her words hit like a truck and knocked the wind from them. The part of them that recognized her hurt wanted to envelope her in warmth and security. The rest of them wanted to flee back to the safety of Sam’s presence. The calm he brought over them was desperately needed.
“You can go back to him now,” She told them with a sad smile, “I won’t keep you any longer.”
They turned away and clutched the door handle before turning back.
“I appreciate this,” They didn’t know if those were the right words to convey how they felt but they hoped it got enough across, “And please don’t become a ghost.”
“I won’t give up on myself,” She whispered back. They were out that door a moment later with a cacophony of emotions rolling around within their head. They didn’t turn back to see how she collapsed as soon as they were out of sight with a weariness and relief mixing on her face.