Work Text:
“Is this thing on? Alright, excellent”
The camera adjusts its focus, zooming in on a well-mannered, smiling Muzan Kibutsuji. For today’s interview, he wears a black suit textured with a faded white floral pattern that provides depth to the lapels. Complimenting the suit is a white tie followed by a sleek black dress shirt. The two top golden buttons are fastened in. It seems for his more respected employees, he wears a white fedora with a dark red ribbon. Today he has his auburn fedora with a white ribbon embedded around it. Muzan is confident in his appearance, back against the chair with his legs crossed and arms resting nicely on the leather chair. His eyes are glimmering more than usual.
The office is clean with minimal decorations. There is a calendar on the wall that has a couple days circled red. The red circles indicate the death of a Hashira.
“Akaza is one of my most hardworking and trustworthy employees. He’s been in the Hashira hunting business for a long time. He gets things…done in a quick manner,” Muzan chokes on the last sentence as he adjusts the grip of the tie around his neck. He seems more on edge as of late.
The interviewer asks, “how would you describe Akaza’s method of hunting?”
Hesitation.
“Unorthodox, unorthodox indeed,” Muzan chuckles. There is a hint of visible pain reflected in his eyes. A sign of embarrassment.
—
“Yeah, can you guys just back up just a tad bit. Yeah sweet, thank you.”
Akaza slumps down into the chair, almost falling out of it. He jolts but is able to quickly recover. His legs are spread, hands in his pant pockets. He flashes a quick smile that dissipates immediately.
“Muzan said earlier that you’re one of his most hardworking and trustworthy employees. Do you agree with that?” the interviewer asks.
Akaza’s smile returns, yellow eyes shining more than usual. He leans forward, now fully invested in the interview.
“Well of course,” he says. “I’m the best of the best.”
—
“What do you mean by unorthodox?” The interviewer asks.
Muzan scratches his chin, sighing as he looks to the side. There is an awkward pause. His pupils dash back and forth, indicating that he is coming up with an idea. The pause continues.
“To be honest,” he finally says. “I don’t really know what he does. He does something which leads to him capturing and killing a Hashira. Whatever method he is using clearly works.”
—
Akaza is surprised, replying, “Oh my method? It’s pretty easy. I follow the AKAZA model. Have you guys heard of it?”
Everyone behind the camera shakes their heads.
For some reason, Akaza seems to be taken aback by this as if it is something incredibly famous. It is clearly not.
“Ah, don’t worry uh, so the AKAZA method is simple. A is to aggravate villagers, K is to kill some villagers, the next A is uh…”
He zones out, head pivoting to the left as he thinks.
—
“What can we expect from Akaza on the field today?” the interview asks.
“Efficient work from him,” Muzan replies. “Usually my employees, like Doma for example, would take a couple days to properly capture and kill a Hashira. But for Akaza, we’re looking at a much quicker pace.”
—
“Yeah, there was this Water Hashira, I forgot his name. But uh, I dashed at him and it caught him off guard. So I just swooped in and knocked his entire head clean off with my left arm. I’m right handed by the way,” Akaza proudly says.
—
Akaza’s mission for tonight is to seize the Flame Hashira, Kyojuro Rengoku. With the help of Enmu, Akaza’s assistant, they have lured him onto the Mugen Train. Currently, Kyojuro is inside the train munching on bento boxes. Akaza and Enmu are discussing the plan on top.
“So I’ll make him fall asleep and you’ll slash his head off, right?” Enmu asks.
“Yeah, sounds about right. That will work,” Akaza says.
Enmu begins channeling his Blood Demon Art, Sleep Inducement.
“WAIT! Hold on, I need to uh…gather intel,” Akaza continues.
Enmu is confused, slightly tilting his head. From previous interviews and episodes, it seems Enmu hates working with Akaza claiming that, “he is difficult to work with and his methods are incredibly unprofessional and unconventional.”
Akaza pulls out a camera. His tongue slightly sticks out as he waits patiently for the camera to turn on. He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. Enmu is squinting, his brow beginning to furrow. Akaza signals him to follow and they walk over to the roof of the train’s cart that Kyojuro is sitting inside of. Akaza has not provided an explanation for the camera yet.
“Okay, I need to gather more intel about this guy so I’m gonna take pictures of him. Enmu, I need you to hold onto my legs as I lay down,” Akaza says.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Enmu replies. He is becoming more agitated, his face scrunching as he tries to comprehend what is occurring. Enmu hates wasting time, seeing the reactions of his victims right before he kills them brings immense satisfaction. He hadn’t seen a Hashira in a while and was itching to kill.
Akaza’s general cheerfulness fades away.
"Shut the fuck up,” Akaza snaps. “Shut the fuck up okay? Let's not argue in front of the camera alright? I'm paying you, you're my goddamn assistant so you do what I tell you to do."
"Alright, alright."
Akaza drops down, army crawling over to the edge of the train. He is gripping the camera tightly.
"Hold, hold my fucking legs Enmu."
"Yes, yes. I'm holding"
Akaza bends over until he's upside down. With how dark it is, it's rather difficult for anyone inside the train to notice anything happening outside. Akaza is lucky.
Akaza begins to take pictures, finger pressed down on the button. Multiple clicks are heard. Satisfied, he begins to inch his upper torso back onto the roof.
Suddenly, Kyojuro's voice is heard. Akaza opens his mouth in shock, eyes widening. He sets the camera aside, pulling out his phone. He opens up an audio recording app. He aims the phone’s microphone down. He is recording Kyojuro saying umai.
“Hell yeah! I’m going to use this for my ringtone,” Akaza says to himself as he fistbumps.
Enmu looks over to the camera crew and mouths, “What the fuck.”
“Alright, I’ve gotten the necessary information. Thanks for the help Enmu!” Akaza pats him on the back. Enmu stumbled forward and blood dribbled from his mouth. Akaza had almost launched him over the train.
“Can we talk about what you just did? What the fuck was that?” Enmu asks while wiping away the blood.
“Like I said, I just gathered some more information on Kyojuro,” Akaza says.
Enmu slaps Akaza’s arm away.
“Aren’t we supposed to be killing him? What’s with this stalker shit right now?”
Akaza’s face begins to flush.
“Listen Enmu, you will understand once you’re a professional Hashira hunter. I’m simply gathering important details like how he smells, his smile, his favorite foods…” Akaza is in a distracted trance.
“Are you fucking delusional? You’re obsessed with him aren’t you!” Enmu shouts.
“I am not!” Akaza pushes Enmu back.
Enmu pushes back and they begin fighting.
Capturing and killing Kyojuro Rengoku was unsuccessful.
—
The conversation is somewhat muffled behind the door of Muzan’s office. Muzan is throwing things at Akaza and shouting. Akaza is enduring it.
“What the fuck is wrong with you Akaza?” he screams. “Enmu told me everything. You’re goddamn crazy.”
Akaza doesn’t respond, he’s looking down at the ground.
“How long have you been stalking the Flame Hashira?”
No response.
“We checked your apartment, Akaza.”
Akaza finally looks up, fear sprawled out on his face. Muzan sits down and opens a drawer under his desk. He pulls out a folder and slams it onto the table.
“Drawings? Fanfics? Lists of things Kyojuro likes? Are you okay? Does he even know you exist?”
“He knows me,” Akaza says confidently.
“Dipshit, every Hashira knows you. You kill them. Does he know you personally, have you ever said hello to him?”
Silence.
“Will you promise me that you will kill the Flame Hashira?”
Silence.
“Akaza,” Muzan says, a warning. “Akaza, answer me.”
More silence.
“Jesus Christ, just get the fuck out of my office.” Muzan throws the evidence at him. Akaza immediately drops to his knees, scrambling to grab the evidence. He stands back up.
“Am I fired?” Akaza mutters.
“I wish you were, I really do.” Muzan glared, “You’re fucking lucky we’re understaffed. Just get out of my office. Come back when you’re ready to actually kill him,” Muzan says.
The door finally opens, Akaza slowly walks out. He’s wiping away his tears. From the look of his face, it had seemed as if every fiber of his being was destroyed. His vulnerable side, his deepest secrets, were dragged through hot coals and stomped on. As if his partner of thirty years just stabbed him in the heart.
He notices the camera crew. His expression immediately turns to anger, he sprints over to the camera.
“Get this shit out of my face. NOW. Cut the fucking clip, cut the fucking clip!” Akaza begins punching the camera lens and the camera person.
Akaza lets out a frustrated yell and stomps down the hall. He eventually reaches the main entrance and kicks down the door.
(Akaza would return to the office sixteen days later with Kyojuro still alive.)
Muzan steps out of his office, approaching the crew. He re-adjusts his tie, and cleans up his disheveled hair. He clears his throat.
“Alright guys, listen. Just, just try and edit out some stuff alright? Cut out the part where I was yelling at Akaza. You can keep the weird shit he did, but just edit out me yelling at him. I want people to see me as approachable. A friendly face to the firm. Thank you.”
“This episode was a disaster, evidently it’s gonna be shorter than most. Ill make up for the fuckup, how about we do an hour-long two part special with Doma?” Muzan says, smiling.
The Akaza episode is over.