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If someone told twelve year old Mike that people in love usually declared it openly and casually to each other on a daily basis– he’d look at you weird.
It’s a bizarre, heavy idea for him. To say the words “I love you” to someone he cares deeply for.
People look at their parents as models of life when they’re little and don’t know how the world operates, how relationships operate. Their parents and siblings are their world till they discover what the world truly is.
For Mike, his family has always been a touchy subject to address. He’s sure he loves them, cares for them, thinks of them but these bonds have always lacked something. It’s getting better with Nancy – but maybe worse with his mother. His father is not really worth the mention.
Point is, the Wheeler family may love each other but they never say it, never make it clear to each other.
What they lack is warmth. Clarity. Transperancy.
Mike’s never heard her mother say “I love you” to his dad and vice versa. It’s always been snippy remarks at the dinner table and sighs of discontent exchanged between them.
Mike thinks it’s because they might not love each other. Or maybe, at some point, they did. And now they don’t.
They're three words. Simple enough to say on their own but they lie heavy on his tongue whenever he even thinks to say them together.
Because it’s a daunting declaration.
He doesn’t know what reply, what reaction he’ll receive. He’s never been interested in romance films but when he tried watching them to get clues – what he saw were grandiose, frankly obnoxious proposals and cheesy one-liners all trying to convince the person of how much they were loved.
Thing is... Mike isn’t afraid of saying those words.
He’s afraid of what might come after.
Acceptance or rejection?
Both are equally terrifying.
Karen Wheeler doesn’t say she loves Ted Wheeler and yet... yet they’re still together. Nancy never says she loves her brother but they’re still siblings.
Mike, he, he loves them. Loves his family, despite their flaws. Loves them all, despite the lack of warmth. He’s never had to verbalise that love. But then, he’s never felt the need to.
Because his family is built that way. Built to stay together even when sometimes, it feels like they’re strangers under the same roof.
But Mike knows that love should be celebrated out loud, too. Especially when that love is for people that aren’t family.
He’s never said “I love you” to Lucas or Dustin or Will. Even though Lucas will throw the phrase randomly and Dustin will grin and return it while Will will smile and nod.
He’s never admitted it to them but such moments have always overwhelmed him.
Mike knows how to show people his love though. He’s somewhat of a professional at it.
Dustin knows Mike loves him because the boy would rather jump down a cliff than see him get hurt.
Lucas knows Mike loves him because even when fighting, Mike checked if he was injured, freaked out when El threw him across the ground.
Will knows Mike loves him because he fought tooth and nail to bring him back from the upside down, never gave up, supported him every step of the way when the Mind Flayer possessed him.
These boys know Mike loves them, always has, always will because they understand what Mike sometimes can’t explain through words.
But...
But when it comes to Eleven, gestures aren’t enough.
No matter the times Mike puts himself in danger to save El or plucks flowers of her favourite colours because she said she misses them or hugs her whenever she’s in need of them – it won’t be enough.
Because for Eleven, words have always held a lot of value. Her first method of communication was gestures – but what she had to work for, what she had to learn was how to use words to express herself.
And that’s stuck with her. Made her value them more than actions. Words will always have more impact on her.
But the love between Mike and El was cultivated by gestures and El knows that. Knows that Mike has showed his love when he took her in, gave her a shelter and warm blankets and a name and made her laugh and hugged her. When he cried when he thought he’d lost her and when he held onto the hope of her being alive for almost a year. When he constantly improved himself to make her comfortable and stepped in the way of Billy so she could survive. When he wrote to her every week and brought flowers and wore clothes of colours she liked most.
But it’s so difficult to understand why Mike wouldn’t just tell her, wouldn’t make his love abundantly clear through words.
Sometimes, Mike doesn’t understand it too. But what he understands now is that Eleven needs the reaffirmation, needs the assurance that he still loves her, always has. Because El has her insecurities, has her doubts and they root from a place in her childhood when people around her would tell her something and do something entirely else.
When Brenner would claim to love her then proceed to emotionally and physically abuse her.
Mike’s given her his gestures. His actions. Now it’s time to give her his words.
He’s said “I love you” to El before. When he said:
“You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”
Or
“You’re the most incredible person I know.”
Or
“I care for you so... so much.”
But Eleven needs more from him. Needs him to take this step and be wholly and utterly vulnerable.
Saying “I love you” is the same as taking a jump off the cliff. He’ll either plummet straight down on be pulled up by someone.
Last time that someone had been Eleven.
This time, he hopes it’ll be her again.
In many ways, Mike has saved El and El has saved him and he knows their love is so blatant for anyone who cares to observe.
But El needs those words from him. And he now realises what it’s like for her.
Eleven has said those words to him already.
She’s jumped down the cliff already.
Waiting, now. Waiting for him to come meet her there so they can both rise up again. Save each other again.
He’s taken his time. He’s tackled his feelings. He’s come to terms with this. He knows what El needs most right now. He only hopes she understands why it took him so long, hopes she’ll know he’d never meant to hurt her. Hopes she realises that he truly needed that time. Hopes she never thinks he doesn’t love her after he says those three words to her. Hopes she can know how monumentally important it is for him to confess these words to her – how bone-chillingly terrifying.
He takes a breath.
He’s ready.