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On June first, as everyone got settled in for homeroom, waiting for the teacher to enter, Kokichi walked into class wearing checkered high tops, white shorts, a crop top with “I SUCK DICK,” written on it in bold font, a checker rainbow bandana tied round his neck, dice earrings, and full clown makeup. Skipping behind the teacher’s desk, he slammed his hands down and addressed the class.
“It’s pride month bitches.”
Shuichi wouldn’t consider himself a very prideful person, in any sense of the word. He’d made strides in the self-confidence department, in large part due to his friends and boyfriend, and just recently he’d started therapy with Ms. Gekkogahara (it was a weekly thing, and he still wasn’t quite used to it), but he still had a ways to go before he could really call himself confident. Let alone prideful.
He supposed he took pride in his work. Solving a case brought a sense of fulfillment that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Being able to help his friends in ways others could not made him feel good. He took pride in the strides he’d made in his piano lessons with Kaede. In finally graduating from the beginner pieces to the low medium level pieces and being able to play with both hands without it sounding like an absolute horrid mess.
While he couldn’t train like he normally would while he was recovering, he did take pride in the strides he made athletically. He’d have to work his way back up to doing a hundred pushups a session, but he’d done it before, so he was certain he’d be able to do it again.
He took pride in his educational achievements. Hope’s Peak didn’t really have grades, per se, seeing as all you had to do was pass the practical each year and you’d be fine, but before then his grades had been quite high. And while there were different kinds of intelligence, and grades certainly weren’t everything, he had taken pride in that when he was younger.
Pride in work. Pride in grades. Pride in skills. None were the strongest of prides, but they were there. He supposed that, if anything, he was proud of his progress. That he’d gotten to the point where he could definitively say he had some pride, even if he wasn’t prideful. Some confidence, even if he wasn’t confident. He’d made progress, lost that progress, and was making it back up again, and that in itself was something to take pride in. That he’d made progress in the first place. That he was picking himself back up after falling. That he was willing to acknowledge that he needed help and take that help, even if doing so felt foreign and strange.
He was proud of the fact that he’d started therapy. Proud of himself for taking that step and proud of Kokichi for helping him realize that needing professional help wasn’t something to be ashamed of.
That, he could definitely say with certainty. He was proud of Kokichi. Proud of Maki. Proud of Kaito and Kaede and all of his friends. Of their achievements. Of their progress. Of their skills, their strides, and of them. In general.
Of course. All of that ignored the elephant in the room. Pride this, pride that, there was a reason June was called “pride month” and it wasn’t any of the versions of pride he’d talked about before. No. That was a whole different kind of pride. A more… rainbow-colored one.
Shuichi’s parents were… they were. End of sentence. He’d accepted the fact that they were abusive and neglectful. That about said all their opinions without saying them. Moving on.
His Aunt and Uncle were very welcoming. To them, he was Shuichi, and that was that. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Shuichi had been very self-conscious about taking anything from them, not wanting to add to his imagined debt, but they were the ones who bought him his first binder. Who made sure all of his teachers knew how to refer to him, how NOT to refer to him, and which uniform he was to be given. They accepted him FOR him. Accepted that they had a nephew, not a niece, and never made him feel bad about it.
When he’d come out as bi later on, they were just as accepting. It felt like he didn’t deserve it. Like the fact that he was accepted as trans and bi just meant he had more debt, more to make up for. But the feeling of complete and utter euphoria that came when he put on a binder for the first time managed to push those thoughts out of his head, if just for a little while.
He knew better now. As summer break continued its fast approach he was looking more and more forward to going back home to his Aunt and Uncle. To showing them that he finally realized that they loved him and cared for him because they wanted to, not any of the cruel falsehoods his mind had concocted.
Still. He wasn’t sure if he had much pride in his identity. He didn’t hate that he was trans and bi. He’d say he worked through all his internalized transphobia and biphobia already and gotten to the point where he was comfortable with who he was. People had been referring to him as Shuichi for long enough that he didn’t even instinctually raise his head if he heard someone call his dead name in a crowd, and he was in a loving relationship with a guy that frankly could not be gayer if he tried.
But did he have pride? It wasn’t like he’d decorated his bedroom with pride flags or something. Then again, he didn’t really decorate his room in general, seeing as he’d been trying to think of it as nothing more than the guest room for quite some time. He’d have to actually decorate it when he went home for the break.
That was beside the point. He’d never participated in pride month before. It was no secret that he was trans. He couldn’t even wear his binder while he was recovering (which did horribly things to his dysphoria), you’d have to be blind not to know he was trans. It was even less of a secret that he was bi. He was dating Kokichi Oma, after all. But he’d just… never been the kind of person to stand on a desk and shout to the heavens that he was anything but straight and proud of it.
He supposed he was just proud in a quiet way? But then, he wasn’t even sure if he was proud. He was just… ambivalent to it? No, that didn’t feel right either. He felt awkward talking about trans topics with his friends. Talking periods with the girls just felt weird, and it felt even weirder to talk about it with the boys. He stuck by the decision that making Yacchi the whale plushie trans was a smart idea because after getting Yacchi he’d taken up the habit of unloading all those feelings onto the inanimate plush object. He just… he didn’t know.
He couldn’t strongly state that he was proud, but he couldn’t really say that he wasn’t proud either. He just… didn’t really know how to take pride in that part of himself.
How did one take pride in their sexuality and gender? How do you step into a room wearing a shirt that says “I SUCK DICK” with a big smile on your face and a feeling of satisfaction in your chest? How do you take a selfie of yourself during pride month with one of those filters on and a hashtag pride month caption and post it for everyone to see? How do you sit in the quiet of your room and gush to yourself about your absolutely amazing boyfriend who is smart and funny and has the absolute best laugh and just always knows how to make you smile and-
Well. Shuichi supposed he’d gotten that part down at least.
“[I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,]” he’d admitted to Kokichi, later that day as class winded down and they all waited for the bell to ring, “[How do I celebrate?]”
Kokichi shook his head, “You don’t HAVE to do anything. It’s not like there’s some gay commandments or something. You just do what you want to do. I wanted to show up like this, so I did!”
“[I suppose. I guess I just don’t know what I want to do. You look amazing by the way!]”
Kokichi puffed out his chest, and struck a dramatic pose, “Why thank you! I didn’t spend an hour on this makeup for nothing! You look amazing as well, my beloved. As always.”
Shuichi blushed, pushing the brim of his hat down to hide it. He certainly didn’t feel beautiful. His bruises were fading, but visible, and he was wearing an oversized pullover hoodie with a JAXA logo on it, borrowed from Kaito. Well, more like gifted, seeing as every time he tried to give it back Kaito insisted he could give it to him later. Not like Shuichi was complaining, it was a very comfortable hoodie.
Still. It wasn’t exactly an amazing look. Especially when compared to Kokichi’s getup.
“[What are you planning on doing?]” Shuichi asked.
“What, besides looking like a million bucks?”
Shuichi smiled, “[Besides that.]”
Kokichi made a show of thinking, hemming and hawing as he leaned back in his chair. Rolling his eyes, Shuichi reached over and pushed it down, so that all four legs were on the floor. Kokichi pouted.
“Rude!” he complained, “If I want to risk cracking my head open on the floor I should be allowed to!”
Shuichi stared at him.
“Alright alright!” Kokichi caved, “Meanie!”
Shuichi just shook his head, smile never leaving, “[If I didn’t Kirumi would’ve.]”
Kokichi turned to look at Kirumi, sitting on the other side of the room and talking to Rantaro. As if sensing the eyes on her, she turned around and looked at them. Kokichi gave her an exaggerated wave, only to be met with a pointed look. When she finally waved back, he shot her a wide smile and turned back around.
“Fair,” Kokichi stated, “Now where was I? Oh, right! Probably gonna do stupid shit with Miu.”
“[Miu?]”
“You bitches talking about me?”
The woman in question slammed her hands down on the desk, causing Shuichi to accidentally hit a bunch of random keys on his laptop. Shuichi’d never verbally key smashed before, but thanks to modern technology that was now possible.
It wasn’t as impressive as it should’ve been. The program simply read out each letter individually, like a remixed alphabet song. A moment of silence fell over the three as they took in the new information.
“Huh,” Miu said, “That’s not at all what that sounds like in my head. That’s so disappointing. Like an unfondled titty.”
Shuichi felt his face heat up, “[Sorry.]”
“Don’t apologize for the fucking computer!” Miu barked, “To think I thought that thing was impressive, before. No, whoever designed that must’ve been a hack! Who makes a speech program that can’t even key smash?! I bet all the presets are vanilla as fuck, too.”
“[Vanilla?]”
“Yeah, no curse words, nothing ‘vulgar.’ I bet there’s not even a ‘wanna have sex?’ option.”
“[Why would there be?!]”
“So there isn’t?! God, fucking amateurs! Why should you have to put the work in to type that out? That should be a standard!”
“Maybe for a whore bitchlet like you,” Kokichi remarked, causing Miu to squeal.
“Y-Yeah?! Well, at least I get some!”
“Do you? I’m sorry, out of the two of us who’s gotten kissed before?”
“On the hand!”
“Yeah, like the god damn prince I am. And here you are, still struggling to get a date.”
“I-”
“[KOKICHI SAID YOU TWO WERE PLANNING ON DOING SOMETHING. WHAT WAS THAT?]”
Shuichi pushed the volume of the laptop up high, causing both of them to startle. From where he was chatting with Gonta, Kiibo shot him a look of sympathy.
“Oh yeah!” Miu immediately grasped hold of the new conversation thread, “There’s a temperance gay bar that’s holding all kinds of events the entire month. Tonight’s karaoke night and I am NOT missing that.”
A bar? That didn’t seem right. None of them could legally drink. Unless they were planning to go in with fake IDs. As much as he wanted Kokichi to have fun, he didn’t really like the thought of that. Then again, Miu called it a temperance bar. Shuichi’d never heard of something like that.
“[What’s a temperance bar?]” he asked.
“They don’t actually serve liquor,” Kokichi explained, “Just mocktails and stuff like that. All of the ambiance, none of the alcohol.”
Miu sighed loudly, “As much as I would love to get wasted, my doctor would get mad at me. So real drinks are a no-go.”
“[You’re also underage.]” Shuichi pointed out.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, that too,” Miu added with a handwave.
“[Sounds fun! Are Kiibo or Rantaro coming with you too?]”
Kokichi snorted, “Like Kiiboy could sing.”
“I’m almost finished with his singing upgrade!” Miu yelled, “By tonight he’ll be able to sing opera if he fucking wanted to!”
“Taro’s also coming.”
Miu rolled her eyes, “Only because you annoyed him into it.”
Kokichi ignored her, “Hey Shumai! You want to come with us? With you there, it’ll almost make hanging around Miu bearable!”
“Fuck you too!”
Shuichi shook his head and pointed to his throat before typing, “[Can’t sing. Besides, crowds aren’t my thing. Still, I hope you guys have fun!]”
“Eh, should’ve known an emo like you wouldn’t be a party guy,” Miu said as the bell rang, “Welp! See you fuckwads later! And Kokichi, don’t forget to meet us at the front of the school at four-thirty. If you don’t show I’m leaving your gay ass there!”
“Please, like you’d have the balls!”
Miu flipped Kokichi off as she grabbed her bag and walked out the classroom door. As everyone began to file out, Shuichi began to pack his stuff away. Going to put away his laptop, he blinked in surprise as Kokichi tapped the table to get his attention.
“You know I don’t have to go,” he started, “If you want to hang out around here, just the two of us, that’s fine too.”
Shuichi shot him a bewildered look and quickly shook his head.
“[What are you talking about? I want you to have fun!]”
“Well yeah, but…”
It was rare to see Kokichi trail off and Shuichi stopped to observe him.
Things were… odd after the attack. Not in a bad way! Just… well it was hard for something so frightening to NOT have an effect on both of them.
Kokichi’d gone out of his way to help Shuichi adjust to his temporary way of speaking, help him realize he needed more help (and that wasn’t a bad thing), and managed to convince him to actually take Ms. Gekkogahara’s offer for therapy. They’d been spending a lot of time together after the whole ordeal, almost as if Kokichi was afraid he’d disappear and really die if he let him out of his sight for a little too long.
Shuichi certainly couldn’t blame him for that. Despite there being no threat stopping him from sleeping in his own room anymore, he still found himself having sleepovers with Kokichi, Kaito, and/or Maki more often than not, their presence helping keep the nightmares at bay. He appreciated his company and enjoyed spending time with him. How could he not? Kokichi was his spectacular boyfriend!
But well… with how much time they’d been spending together, it was impossible to miss the number of times Kokichi had reached out to him, only to pull his hand away. Rushed over to latch onto his arm like always only to stop just inches away and throw his hands behind his head and lean back as if he meant to do that the entire time. Reaching, always reaching to touch, but holding himself back.
Ever since Shuichi freaked out from his hug in the nurse’s office, he’d pulled back on the physical affection. Normally such a touchy-feely person, Kokichi asked permission to hold his hand when normally there wouldn’t even be a question. He waited for Shuichi to initiate most physical contact and kept his hands to himself. As if he was afraid that, if he reached out and touched him, he’d hurt Shuichi again.
The thing was, Shuichi appreciated that! What with everything that happened, he was grateful for the chance to go at his own pace. To take it slow, until he was sure he could handle the same amount of physical affection again.
But Kokichi was such a touchy person, even before they’d gotten together, he had to assume it was messing with him. And, seeing the way Kokichi seemed to hesitate to take a day for himself and just hang out with his friends without his boyfriend, Shuichi couldn’t help but wonder if the increase in time together was his way of making up for the lack of hugs.
Shuichi shot his boyfriend a warm smile.
“[I promise you, I’ll be alright. Nothing bad’s gonna happen if I leave your sight. Go have fun!]”
Kokichi’s face was blank. Shuichi couldn’t really look him in the eyes to show sincerity (still working his way back up to removing his hat again), so instead he took Kokichi’s hand in his and gave it a light kiss. He reveled in the way Kokichi’s fingers moved to slot themselves between his.
Kokichi gave an overdramatic sigh, but the tension releasing from his shoulders gave him away, “Well, I guess if my beloved commands it, I have no choice!”
Shuichi squeezed his hand. Typing with his free hand, he let his smile widen.
“[Make sure Miu sends me a video of you singing!]”
Kokichi laughed, “Is Shumai interested in hearing my singing voice? Well then, I’ll be sure to put on a performance you’ll never forget!”
He let go of Shuichi’s hand, giving a twirl and a bow as he grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder.
“Maybe I’ll even dedicate one to you!” he teased and blew a kiss, walking backward out of the classroom, “See you tomorrow, Shuichi!”
Shuichi gave him a wave as he walked out. Only after he could no longer see Kokichi did he move to pack up, the last to leave the room. In the quiet, he couldn’t help but let the fondness on his face show. As silly as the clown make-up was, Shuichi couldn’t help but think Kokichi looked amazing in it, especially in that outfit. So yeah, he was definitely looking forward to that video.
Kokichi and Miu’s pride was loud. Full glittery make-up in the pan flag colors. A pink miniskirt with yellow and blue frills, a skin-tight white tank top, and a pair of heels not made for dancing, destined to be danced in any way. Rainbows and checkers. A, ‘you do not control me’ attitude and a voice willing to shout it to the high heavens.
Rantaro’s pride was casual. Almost an afterthought, but far too deliberate. The kind that mixed with everything else until it was nearly indistinguishable from anything else. A knowing look, a wink or a smile, and a black ring on his right middle finger. One that, if you called it out, he’d be happy to talk about. But able to fade away in the face of the dozens of other rings he wore.
Kiibo’s pride was that of inexperience. Having just learned everything, a great wide world of possibilities in front of him. A singing voice full of cracks and breaks, slowing even out as the rhythm seeped in. Just trying to understand it all, not quite set on anything and not in much of a rush either. Too happy learning to worry about what words fit best.
Kaede’s pride was blunt. Not loud. Just blunt. A passing comment about how hot a girl at the mall was. Always willing to compliment a friend, with no regard for any passerby’s opinion. A singular bi pin on her backpack. A preference for the classics but always willing to redefine what ‘classic’ meant, as she pulled out songs that were certainly old, but so very unique. As she showed the diversity of the past through the piano keys.
Tenko’s pride was untethered. Not a single person could keep her love contained. So much to give, her body simply not enough to keep it all in. She had to share it, had to show it. There was no getting around it. No way to hide it and no way to make it smaller, not that she’d want to anyway.
Angie’s pride was doused in her culture. Himiko’s a sleepy wave during attendance from the student who couldn’t be bothered to say ‘here’ but still wanted to be counted present. Maki’s a keepsake, treasured and kept close to her heart, for her and her only.
So many different kinds of pride, and Shuichi considered them all as he watched the video Miu sent him. Face flushing as Kokichi pulled off some frankly insane dance moves, much to the crowd of teens’ thunderous applause. Pride filled him as he watched his boyfriend be himself and have fun.
He liked that Kokichi was so loud with his pride. Liked the quiet moments he’d share with Maki, as she talked about the lovely girl from her past that, for a moment, she’d thought she’d spend her entire life with. Liked when Kaede caught him off guard with a frank comment about the sexiness of Tsumugi’s latest cosplay or when sparkles filled Kaito’s eyes as he realized he could call himself a space ace in more ways than one (all while still hoping for a romantic relationship).
Was it strange that he felt the most pride when looking at everyone else? Not even in a self-deprecating ‘oh, they’re so better than me’ way. No, in the sense that, looking at how proud they all were of themselves, made him proud of who he was. Maybe that was strange, but maybe it wasn’t. He couldn’t be sure.
Still, as he got ready to join Kaito and Maki for training (which Kaito had modified so that Shuichi’s routine was essentially just his physical therapy) he couldn’t help but realize that the underlying unease from being unable to bind for such a long time had faded away. Because as much as his mind screamed at him that it was all wrong, he knew he had some of the best friends a person could ask for. Friends who didn’t think of him as any less of a man because his chest looked a little fuller. Who didn’t think he had less to say because he had to use a program to say them. And who viewed him, more than anything else, as their friend Shuichi Saihara.
And if he was so proud of them, and they were so proud of him… well then it couldn’t be too hard to be proud of himself too.