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From the ripe age of six years old, Lily knew that she was way different than her sister, Petunia. She knew that Petunia liked to play house with her dolls and have a mummy, daddy, a brother, and sister in the game. She knew that when she asked Petunia why she can’t make the dolls have two mummys, Petunia laughed at her and called her a freak.
She remembers the way that her sister sneered at her when passing her in the hallway at school. She’d hit her with her shoulder, calling her a word that just wasn’t very nice, and she knew that, and she’d snicker at her with all of her little friends.
At the time, Lily didn’t know what the word meant. All she knew was that she liked to look at the girls in her class because they had soft cheeks and pretty hair and wanted to hold their hands.
But according to Petunia, she wasn’t allowed to do that.
It’s impossible, though. To not look at somebody you’ve wanted for so long. To not want to run your fingers through their hair and kiss them until they turn fucking blue.
Because Mary Macdonald had the most beautiful smile. One that could light up the night and brown eyes that looked like pools of chocolate and Lily just wanted to dive right in and stay awhile.
Mary Macdonald, Lily’s beautiful, beautiful best friend who had a heart of gold, a sense of humor that had an entire room cackling, and the softest hands Lily has ever touched.
Lily’s gorgeous best friend who always held Lily when she cried and watched movies with her until ungodly hours, even if they just wanted the movie as background noise while they talked.
They were wonderful. Lily thinks so. They’re lovely .
“Lils. Lily?”
Lily looks up, humming as she looks over to see her boyfriend sitting next to her, grinning at her. She immediately clears her throat, averting her vision toward James, and she smiles.
“Oh,” Lily chuckles awkwardly, turning her head to look at James properly. “Hi, Jamie,” she says quietly, flinching a bit when he leans in to kiss her on the cheek.
Guilt floods her stomach and she forces herself to smile as James brushes her curly red hair away from her face, eyebrows knit together. “Are you okay, baby?” he asks softly, and she shifts uncomfortably, nodding as she looks away, her thoughts landing on Mary again. James follows her eyes, pulling his hand away from her. “Tired?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” James says softly, leaving it at that. He doesn’t push. He never does. Lily loves him. Truly. He’s one of the best friends she’s ever had and she would do anything for him.
It kills her that she’s lying to him. James Potter is the purest soul to ever grace the Earth, and Lily is lying to him .
It makes her want to fucking die.
-
Mary is sleeping over tonight.
They’re sleeping over at Lily’s house.
In her fucking bed . They’re going to be sleeping next to her .
This isn’t exactly a rare occurrence, considering the fact that they spent more than 90% of their time together. The other 10%, Lily was with James, but she was also texting Mary.
They were just like that , attached at the hip. Pieces of a puzzle that slotted perfectly together. It made it really hard for people to separate the two, because it honestly felt like there was a part of Lily’s heart missing when she was away from Mary.
But right now, she isn’t away from Mary. In fact, Mary’s right behind her and Lily has her back between their knees while they braid her hair in dutch braids, since Lily doesn’t know how to braid properly.
“Did you get a new shampoo?” Mary asks, gently running their fingers through Lily’s hair to separate the unruly curls into sections. Lily hums, her eyes falling shut and she nods. “Knew it,” they snicker. “You smell different.”
Lily’s face flushes and she squirms a bit, the butterflies in her stomach making her feel ticklish. “You memorized my smell?” she asks, looking up at them. They nod, giving Lily the softest smile she’s ever seen on their face and Lily’s heart melts .
“Of course, baby.”
Baby . Oh, god . Baby . It feels so different than when James calls her baby. She wants to curl into herself in a good way, her body feeling pleasantly warm as she giggles, biting on her bottom lip.
(Mary smells like mint and berries and home. Lily loves to wrap her arms around them and press her nose into their hair, taking in their scent and trying to memorize it so that she could smell it all the fucking time. So Mary’s with her all the time.)
Oh , she is so fucked.
-
While Lily has always been aware of her sexuality, she still hasn’t come to terms with it. She forced herself to kiss boys, flirt with them, hook up with them, and date them, despite not feeling anything . She recalls kissing James for the first time and feeling nothing . James was a wonderful kisser, in Lily’s opinion. He was wonderful in every way .
But Lily just didn’t want to kiss him.
She felt like James should be kissing somebody who actually likes him, wants him.
Because James is the sun . The sun needs to shine to brighten up the world, and Lily doesn’t want to make the world dark.
But when Mary looks at her with that fucking smile and laughs their beautiful laugh, Lily feels like she’s going to melt like a fucking popsicle and never come back to life.
Poor James , she thinks. Fuck .
And he’s right beside her on her bed, head on her chest while he scrolls through his phone, reading her a meme every now and then and giggles, squeezing her leg gently. Lily barely has it in her to react. She feels so tired .
It takes so much energy to hide.
-
“James is worried about you, Lils,” Remus murmurs as they walk down the street with Lily, his arm looped with hers while they head to the restaurant that they’re having lunch at. “He said you’ve been off. What’s up, babe?”
Lily’s stomach lurches and she stops walking, immediately feeling like she needs to empty the contents of her stomach. Her eyes well up against her will as she looks up at Remus, whose eyes are wide with concern, worry creasing their eyebrows.
“I’m fine-“
“You’re lying to me, Lily,” Remus says softly, turning to face her. They rest his hands on her shoulders, gently squeezing. “What’s wrong?” they ask, moving one hand to cup her cheek gently. Lily blinks slowly, shaking her head at him and looking down.
“I’m okay, Rem.”
Remus sighs softly, wrapping his arms around Lily and resting their chin on top of her head and suddenly Lily feels like she wants to fucking cry as she presses her head into their chest, her arms wrapping around his waist tightly.
“I love you,” Remus whispers, kissing the top of her head. Lily just nods, knowing that if she speaks, she’ll start to cry immediately. “You don’t have to hide from me, okay? I’m always here.”
And Lily knows that. Lily knows that she doesn’t have to hide from Remus because they’ll never judge her. They’ll never try to make her feel guilty for something that she can’t control because they know what it’s like .
But for some reason, Lily can’t help but keep her mouth shut and hide .
-
“You should teach me how to play sometime,” Lily says softly, her chin propped up on top of her knees, back against the side of Mary’s bed while she watches their fingers move across the fretboard on their guitar.
Lily’s mouth goes dry as Mary’s fingers stop their movements, opting for gently resting on the frets instead as they chuckle at her. Her eyes focus on the way their veins move under the skin, the soft hairs on their knuckles, the little crack in their nail from when they banged their finger on the door the other night.
[“You’re an idiot,” Lily wheezes, watching Mary suck their finger into their mouth to soothe the pain of the bang.
Mary snorts, kicking their leg forward to nudge Lily in the leg, making her laugh even harder than she was before. Mary’s eyes sparkle as they roll to the side, a look that Lily is quite familiar with because Mary is constantly rolling their eyes at her and calling her stupid, but Lily knows it’s out of love because while Mary calls her stupid, they’ll brush the hair away from her eyes.
Lily wishes that Mary would just see her.]
Mary doesn’t respond, they just move closer to Lily and they place the guitar in her lap. “How about,” they pause, looking up from the guitar. Lily’s stomach feels warm and swirly and fuck , it’s taking everything in her to not pin them to the ground right now and snog them until they forget their own fucking name. “I’ll make chord shapes, you strum-“
“But I wanna know how to make chord shapes,” Lily pouts, giving Mary her biggest puppy dog eyes and batting her eyelashes. She watches their face, the way their lips twitch and eyes sparkle. The way their eyelashes flutter against their cheekbones when they look down and chuckle and Lily just wants to kiss them . “Can’t you teach me chord shapes? Please, Mare? You always look so cool when you play guitar.”
Mary rolls their eyes, sighing as they move to sit in front of Lily, taking her left hand in theirs and Lily literally feels like she’s on fucking fire . She swears there’s electricity coming from their hands and Lily’s breath catches in her throat.
“You know you look cool all the time, right Lils?” Mary says, voice low and soft. Lily’s cheeks burn and her nose scrunches up under Mary’s gaze. “You don’t have to know how to play guitar to be cool. You’re always cool to me, you know.”
It’s hard to believe, really. But when it comes from Mary’s mouth, it feels like the truth. Everything that comes from Mary’s mouth just feels so right.
(Except for when they shit talk themself. Lily wants to kiss the words off of their lips when they talk bad about themself, hold them down and kiss all of the good things that she thinks of them into their soul, hoping that imbed themselves in Mary’s heart.)
Instead of arguing, Lily just smiles softly and looks down, nodding. “I hate you,” she murmurs, and Mary snorts, placing Lily’s hand on the fretboard.
-
“…And then Sirius, right, he was like telling me that Snape said… Lily?”
James’ voice comes to a halt and Lily looks up from where she’s staring at the menu in front of her on the table. She holds her breath, looking at him with a fake smile.
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong, love?” James asks, voice filled with concern as he reaches over and takes her hand. Lily’s hand twitches and she tenses up, and James pulls away immediately. Lily’s chest tightens with guilt and she looks away, clearing her throat. “Lily, you know you can talk to me, right?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrows.
And she knows. She knows . She knows because James is a good fucking person and he would never hate her or be angry at her for anything she’s feeling because he’s fucking James .
“I know,” she breathes out, nodding. “Yeah. I know.” Lily’s voice is tight and there’s a lump in her throat.
James doesn’t say anything, he just reaches his hand out for her, the back of his hand on the table so his palm is resting upwards. He’s not forcing her to take it, but he gives her the option.
Lily appreciates it.
Laying her palm against his, she wraps her fingers around his hand and squeezes softly. “Thank you,” she whispers gratefully, and James smiles at her.
“Do you wanna talk?” James asks, thumb stroking the back of her hand softly.
She clenches her jaw, stomach churning with guilt because fuck , she doesn’t want to hurt James. Not now . Not when he’s looking at her with the most worried gaze she’s ever seen in her life because he loves her and it makes her feel sick .
“You’re going to be angry with me-“
“Lily Evans,” James says sternly, making her look up at him. “I could never be angry with you for being upset about something. Okay? You can tell me anything, I won’t hate you.”
Just say it. Just say it . She feels the words curling on her tongue and she feels tears prickling in her eyes, one spilling down her cheek immediately and she lets out a soft sob.
“Hey, Lils,” James breathes out, getting up out of his chair. “Come on, let’s go to the car, yeah? We can drive around and talk for a bit. Does that sound okay?” he asks, and another sob breaks through her throat as she stands up, taking his hand.
Luckily, they didn’t order anything.
Lily follows James out of the restaurant, little gasps and whimpers coming out of her throat as he leads her to the car, opening the door for her and placing a hand on her back, guiding her to sit down before going to the drivers’ side, getting in.
He doesn’t turn the car on. He just sits there with her, reaching his hand out for hers and squeezing it softly. “It’s okay, Lils. Let it out, yeah? Don’t hold it in anymore, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me what’s bothering you-“
“I’m gay.”
Suddenly, it’s completely silent aside from the chokes and violent sobs coming from Lily’s throat, her nails digging into the back of James’ hand and he grips hers tighter and he swallows so hard that Lily can hear it. She prays that he doesn’t cry, not now . She coughs, her body convulsing from the force of her cries.
“Lily, breathe, love. It’s okay, okay? But you need to breathe, you’re going to send yourself into a panic attack. Can you breathe with me for a few minutes?”
“I-yeah,” she whimpers, coughing again as she tries her best to take a breath, but a sob breaks through again and she shakes her head. “Can’t- I can’t-“
“You can,” James whispers. “Follow my breathing, okay? In,” he breathes in. Lily follows, her breaths uneven. James blows the breath out slowly, and Lily follows. “A few more times, okay?”
They breathe together for a few more moments. They breathe until Lily’s sobs subside into sniffles and stray tears and her hands are shaking against James’, but he holds them tightly and squeezes them, tracing shapes into the skin and telling her it’s okay, you’re okay .
Lily feels so fucking guilty.
“James, I’m so sorry-“
“ Please don’t be sorry, Lily,” James says, letting go of her hand and reaching his hand out, tilting her chin up with his index finger. “Don’t be sorry. I’m not angry with you. love. Okay? You know that you can’t control who you love, right? And it’s not your fault. If anything, I’m sorry for forcing this on you. For making you pretend-“
“You didn’t make me do anything , Jamie,” Lily whispers, coughing again. “You didn’t make me do anything. You didn’t force me to do anything, I was… I don’t… I don’t know . I… I don’t know. I just don’t know. ”
James nods. “It’s okay to not know, Lily. You don’t have to know anything. You don’t owe anything to anyone, love. Okay? You don’t have to be sorry either. Please do not beat yourself up for this,” he whispers to her and god , Lily wants to fucking cry again.
“If it makes you feel any better,” James says after a few moments, and Lily looks at him, blinking slowly. “I’m pretty sure I fancy blokes,” he says, and her eyes widen, her eyebrows shooting to her hairline. “Like, not just blokes. I think everyone, to be honest. Just people. People are nice. They’re cool.”
Lily blinks at him, then breaks out into a grin.
“Look at us. A couple of queers,” she laughs, and James laughs too.
And Lily feels so fucking light .
-
After coming out to James, they decided to be friends. Nothing changed between them, really. James still flirted like usual, because he’s James and he flirts with anything with two legs that breathes. He’s just charming, really. He could charm your socks off if you looked in his direction.
(Lily hopes that he finds somebody who appreciates him and loves him and cherishes him like he deserves.)
It’s easier now. Everything. Waking up in the morning and looking at herself in the mirror. A week after Lily comes out to James, she sits Remus down and she looks at them with teary eyes and whispers I’m a lesbian and Remus cries and albeit tackles her into a hug.
She looks at herself in the mirror, smiling at herself. Dorcas makes her a friendship bracelet with the colors of the lesbian flag and she wears it every fucking day because she’s so happy .
Lily sits her parents and sister down one day and breathes out slowly, telling them that she doesn’t want them to hate her and they tell her that they could never .
And she cries. She sobs. She chokes on her fucking tears and she says I’m a lesbian , and her father wraps her up tightly in his arms and kisses her on the forehead, telling her that she should be so proud of herself.
It feels so fucking good.
-
Petunia, of course, doesn’t take it well. She calls Lily a queer and calls her the F slur. She shoves her in the hallway in the morning before they leave the house and their mother.
Those are the days where Lily finds it a bit harder to be proud of who she is. She cries on those days, stares at herself in the mirror and hates herself . She digs her fingernails into her skin and sobs, sitting on the ground and asking herself what’s wrong with me?
Even if she knows nothing is wrong with her, it still feels like there is when Petunia looks at her that way.
-
It takes awhile for Lily to tell Mary. She’s a bit scared to, honestly, even if she knows she has nothing to worry about. She knows that they’ll be supportive and loving and they’ll accept her for whoever she is and whatever she wants to be.
But she’s still afraid.
The breakthrough happens when Lily and Mary are lying on Mary’s living room floor one night, tossing popcorn into the air and catching it in their mouths, laughing and talking, fingers brushing and hair on each other’s shoulders.
“You have shit aim,” Mary snorts, and Lily kicks them in the ankle, making them laugh even harder. “I’m just saying! You threw the popcorn right above your bloody mouth and you missed -“
“Shut up!” Lily laughs, sitting up and throwing a piece of popcorn at Mary, who squawks out a laugh and throws it back, prompting Lily to take a handful and throw it back at them. “Stop!” Lily cackles, a witch-like snort leaving her mouth as Mary takes a handful of popcorn and albeit shoves it down Lily’s shirt and into her bra. “Mary! Leave my tits alone!”
Mary tries to respond, but they just end up choking on their words with a wheeze as Lily throws popcorn at them, making kernels land in their hair. Lily’s chest feels so warm .
“I’m going to kill you!” Mary cackles, and Lily sticks her tongue out at them.
“Kill me then,” Lily says, giggling with a raised eyebrow. “You won’t. Coward.”
Mary stops laughing, lips twitching into a mischievous smirk that makes Lily’s stomach feel warm and swirly, her entire body suddenly feeling like it’s been lit on fire.
“Oh yeah?” Mary says, tilting their head to the side and oh , Lily’s going to pass out. She squeezes her legs together, clenching her jaw and she nods, trying to stand her ground.
“You. Won’t.”
And before Lily has a chance to register what’s happening, Mary is on top of her , knees bracketing her hips and they have both of Lily’s wrists above her head and Lily thinks she’s going to fucking faint right now.
Lily’s breaths come out shaky and quick, her eyes wide as she looks up at her best friend, whose eyes are lidded and their curly hair is hanging in Lily’s face, tickling her cheeks.
And god , even though Lily has days where she doesn’t love herself, this just feels so right . Because she knows . Fuck. She knows she’s never going to feel this way with anybody else. Never .
“Lily,” Mary breathes out, their chest heaving as they lower their head to rest it on Lily’s forehead. Lily hums, going cross eyed trying to look Mary in the eyes because they’re just so close right now.
Right there. They’re right there .
“Lily, I-“
“Please kiss me,” Lily croaks out, her tongue feeling thick in her mouth. “Please. Mary-“
“What?” Mary breathes out, but they don’t pull away from her. They just loosen their grip on her hands, moving them so that their fingers slot between Lily’s and Lily feels like she’s on cloud fucking nine.
“Kiss me.”
“Lily-“
“Please,” Lily whispers, feeling like she’s going to cry. “Let’s skip the formalities. Please. I’ve waited long enough-“
“What are you-“
“I’m gay , Mary,” Lily groans, wrapping one leg around Mary’s hip and pulling form down, their hips hitting each other and Lily lets out a soft noise. “Just kiss me-“
“Lily, are you su-“
“I’ve never been more about anything in my entire life, Mary,” Lily croaks out, her eyes welling up with tears and Mary climbs off of her, grabbing both of her hands until she sits up properly. “Mary-“
“Baby, why are you crying? Please don’t cry, Lily-“
“I’m in love with you,” Lily chokes out, a sob breaking through her throat and Mary pulls her against their body and wraps their arms tightly around her. “I’m sorry, Mary,” she whispers, her heart throbbing with pain and everything is just hurting . “Please, please don’t hate me-“
“Lily, I don’t hate you,” Mary breathes out, pressing their lips to the top of her head. “In fact,” they chuckle. “It’s quite the opposite,” they whisper, pushing Lily until she lifts her head, looking at them with teary eyes and wet eyelashes and Lily’s entire body suddenly feels like it’s floating.
And then there are warm, soft lips on her own, the flavor of strawberry chapstick on her own mouth making her gasp and wrap her arms around Mary’s neck, pulling her closer, closer, closer until they crawl over Lily again, seating themself fully on her lap, pushing Lily’s arms away and bringing their hands up to grab her face and Lily feels like she’s in fucking heaven .
A warm tongue swipes against her bottom lip and Lily opens her mouth eagerly, whining softly when Mary’s tongue touches her own and she tilts her head, kissing them deeper and allowing her tongue to press into their cheek.
(Lily would climb into Mary’s soul if she could. She’d sit there for the rest of her life and map out their entire being.)
“I love you, Lily Evans,” Mary whispers against her mouth, biting down on her lip and pulling. Lily lets out a soft noise, chasing Mary’s mouth and capturing their lips in another deep, slow kiss.
And it just feels so right.