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"Y'see, when I was born, they said I was a girl. But I've... never been a girl. I've always been a boy. How did I know? I just kinda... did, I guess. I've never felt comfortable in this body. I look in the mirror and it's like, it's not me. It's someone else. That's not who I am. I don't really know who I am, but I do know that I'm not... whoever's reflected back at me. Er... I can't explain it. I know it probably sounds weird, but that's how it is for me..."
Falco lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling.
Earlier, he'd been talking to a friend of his, Eren. Eren was several years older than Falco, and was, from what Falco knew, in high school.
The two of them had started talking when Falco happened to see Eren sitting alone on a park bench and thought he looked rather upset, so he decided to reach out to him.
That was a few weeks ago.
It had only been that night that Eren had told Falco about himself.
And it was then that everything began making sense.
The more Falco thought about it, the more he realised he was experiencing something similar.
He'd also never felt comfortable in his own body. However, he'd dismissed it as wanting to be bigger and taller like his brother. He'd thought it would go away when he got older.
Falco didn't exactly have very strong feelings that he was a girl, as such. But he didn't really want to be called a boy, either.
Eren had explained that he didn't like using labels because people reacted to them too strongly, and that, to him, gender was mostly bullshit anyway, but he was definitely a boy.
From the little Falco knew, he wasn't sure what he would label his own identity as.
But as the night went on, Falco, still unable to sleep long past midnight, came to a conclusion.
Maybe he was a girl.
Or, at least, not a boy...
However, Falco didn't really know what to do with that information. It wasn't as if he could tell people easily when he himself didn't know what words to use.
He also preferred to avoid causing other people trouble. And he didn't want to create a potential rift between him and his family, or his friends.
By the end of the next day, Falco decided he'd ask Eren for advice the next time they met. In the meantime, he'd simply keep it to himself.
The two of them sat on a park bench, surrounded by large trees. It was the late afternoon.
Falco awkwardly tried to explain his situation to Eren. He knew he couldn't keep living the way he was anymore.
"Yeah, it's a gamble," Eren said, once Falco had finished telling him. "Sometimes, you don't know how people will react. Most are okay, but... there are always those assholes that don't get it."
"Right," Falco nodded. "And I also... don't really know how to tell people."
"Eh, just be assertive," Eren replied, shrugging. "Say that being called a boy makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to straight up tell them you think you're a girl if you haven't decided, but you can at least tell them what you aren't."
"Oh... yeah..."
Falco felt a bit silly for not coming up with that himself.
"Um... How did you tell your family?" Falco asked shyly, gazing down at the ground.
"I've always rebelled against them calling me a girl," Eren replied with another shrug. "It's not like I sat them down one day and said 'Oh yeah, I'm a boy by the way' or anything. I was vocal about it from the moment I could be. I hated wearing skirts and dresses and being seen as feminine. So I made sure my parents knew as much as possible. I just kept repeating it over and over for years."
"Did they... not accept you?" Falco couldn't bring himself to look at Eren for some reason.
"It took them a while to understand," Eren sighed. "My mother only recently acknowledged that she actually has a son, and my dad's just kinda stayed out of it like the coward he is. Though my brother's always been supportive," he added. "We don't get along -- he's an idiot and I hate him -- but he's always treated me as a guy. Never once questioned it."
Falco took a few moments to mull over Eren's story.
"Wait, you have a brother?" he asked, realising that Eren hadn't mentioned him before.
"Half-brother," Eren corrected. "Like I said, I can't stand the fucker most of the time. But... he's not a bigot, at least."
"...I hope my brother will understand me," Falco said quietly. "I don't know what I'd do if he hated me..."
"I doubt he will," Eren said. "From what you've said, he seems like a good brother to you."
Falco smiled to himself. "Yeah," he said. "He is."
They continued chatting for a while longer, until Falco felt that he'd taken up too much of Eren's time and opted to head back home.
After consulting Eren, Falco realised that he did want to tell people. He knew he should start with his family, but that felt way too daunting to him.
In the end, he decided to tell his childhood friend Gabi.
Gabi was the sort of person who always said what was on her mind, and if she didn't like someone, she'd make them fully aware of it. Falco figured that she'd be a good person to test the waters with, since, if Gabi had any issues with Falco being not a boy, she'd actually tell him rather than act like it was okay but make fun of him behind his back.
There was just one problem.
Falco had a crush on Gabi, which made it hard to talk to her about things sometimes.
His other friends were aware of it. Gabi's family seemed to be aware, too. The only person who didn't realise how he felt was Gabi herself.
Nevertheless, Falco wanted to tell Gabi. If anyone should know, it should be her.
A couple of days later after finally working up the courage, Falco asked Gabi if they could hang out after school.
Such a thing wasn't an unusual occurrence for them, as they frequently visited each other's houses to study (sometimes they were accompanied by their other friends, Udo and Zofia).
Gabi was a very competitive person, and always wanted to get the best grades and be top of the class. Falco, on the other hand, studied hard in order to keep up with Gabi. Sometimes, he even knocked her down to second place, which frustrated Gabi to no end.
"We don't have any tests this week, though," Gabi said once they were sitting down in the living area of her house. "Why'd you wanna come over?"
She was a very sharp person, which was both a blessing and a curse.
Falco took a deep breath. "Well... I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he admitted.
Gabi leant forward in her seat. "Oh?" she asked, curious. "Are you in trouble for something?"
"N-No, it's nothing like that," Falco replied, shaking his head. "Um... I've been doing some thinking lately..."
"Sounds dangerous," Gabi said. Falco couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.
Please take this seriously, Falco begged internally.
"I... I think I might be a girl."
"..."
There was a long, heavy silence.
Falco was about to get up and leave out of fear that Gabi no longer wanted anything to do with him when she started to talk.
"Huh? Whaddya mean by think? Either you're a girl or you're not, right?"
Falco, whose face was now a deep shade of scarlet, slowly looked up at her.
Gabi just looked confused.
"Like, if you're a girl, you're a girl," she said flatly. "Or if you're a boy, you're a boy. I guess you could kinda be like... neither of them or something but I'm not sure about that."
"Um..."
Falco didn't know what to say.
"So... you're a girl?" Gabi asked awkwardly, her expression softening.
"...I-I don't know," Falco said, trying not to cry. "All I know is that... I'm not a boy..." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "I realised that I don't really want to be a boy and that I don't feel like one. But I'm not sure if I entirely feel like a girl, either. Part of me does. I... haven't really decided."
God, that sounds so stupid, Falco thought. She's gonna laugh at me...
"Do you need to decide?"
"Huh?"
Falco was completely caught off guard.
Does that mean...?
"I mean," Gabi continued, "Does it matter if you're a boy or a girl? You're still Falco."
Falco couldn't help but bury his face in his hands as he started to sob. He was so relieved that Gabi hadn't been hostile towards him.
"H-Huh?!" Gabi gasped. "Did... Did I say the wrong thing?!"
"N-No," Falco croaked. "I'm... I was just... I thought you'd laugh..."
Gabi sighed. "I've got plenty of reasons to laugh at you already," she said. "And there's no point in getting mad at you for being a girl. I'm a girl. It'd be like getting mad at me for being the way I am."
Falco laughed as he took his hands away and proceeded to try and wipe his face with his shirt.
"Yeah," he sniffed. "You're right."
Gabi huffed in an over-exaggerated manner. "Duh," she said. "I'm always right!"
"Of course," Falco smiled. "Always."
Another silence fell as Falco calmed himself down.
"So, just to clarify," Gabi said, "Do you want me to treat you like a girl? Or nah?"
"...I'm not sure," Falco replied. "I think I do, but..."
"Maybe we could give it a try," Gabi suggested. "And if you don't like it, I'll stop."
"Oh! That sounds good!" Falco nodded, liking the idea a lot. "But... I don't know how you'd do that."
"Hmm..." Gabi crossed her arms as she thought.
"I know!" she exclaimed. "I've got a lot of dresses that my family give me for birthdays and stuff that I don't wear -- 'cuz I HATE dresses -- that you could try on!"
Falco's eyes widened. "Y-Your dresses? Are you sure?"
"I haven't worn them," Gabi added, her face turning slightly red. "Or, like, they're clean and stuff anyway..."
Falco chuckled. "That's not what I meant," he mumbled. "I just... I've never really thought about wearing a dress, but..."
"Can't hurt to try one out," Gabi grinned. "C'mon! Let's go!"
She jumped up from the sofa, grabbed Falco by the wrist and dragged him over to her room. Gabi then sat Falco down on her bed before she went over to her wardrobe and started rummaging through her clothes.
It had been a while since Falco had been in Gabi's room. He tried to avoid it as much as possible, since it just made him feel awkward. Gabi didn't particularly care, but Falco didn't want to risk anything happening.
"Try this one!" Gabi said, throwing a dress at Falco.
Falco let out a noise of surprise as the dress landed on his head, blocking his vision.
"...S-Sorry," Gabi apologised.
"It's fine," Falco replied, pulling the dress down so he could examine it.
The body of the dress was black, while the sleeves (which were long) were white. It appeared to reach down to below the knee, but Falco couldn't determine how long it actually was.
"U-Um..." Falco looked around nervously. "W-Where am I supposed to change...?"
"Huh? Right here," Gabi said.
"..."
Falco felt his face turn red again. "I-I can't change in front of you!" he spluttered.
"OH! YEAH!" Gabi herself blushed upon realising what he meant. "I'll go wait outside!" she announced, hurriedly leaving her room and shutting the door behind her.
Falco took several deep breaths before he stood up. Slowly, he stripped down to his boxers. He paused for a moment before he picked up the dress again and put it on.
He had no idea how it looked on him. Probably a bit silly.
He exhaled.
"Y-You can come in, Gabi," he announced shakily.
Falco shut his eyes tightly as he heard the door open and Gabi walk in.
"H-How does it look?" Falco mumbled, trying to steady his voice.
"It suits you!" Gabi announced happily.
She then suddenly took Falco's hands in hers, which caused Falco to open his eyes again and look at her.
Gabi was grinning from ear to ear.
"Though I think you might look better in something a bit more colourful," she added. "But that looks good on you. D'you wanna keep it?"
Falco could barely think straight. "Y-Yeah," he replied. "If your parents aren't gonna be angry..."
"Nah," Gabi said. "They won't even notice."
"Then... Yeah, I'll keep it," Falco nodded. He knew his face was still red. "Thanks."
"Come with me! We've got a mirror in the bathroom!" Gabi once again dragged Falco along behind her, this time to the bathroom.
Falco stared at himself in the mirror. It took him ages to accept that his reflection was actually him.
It was weird. By even just wearing a dress, he felt more comfortable (despite being around Gabi making him extremely nervous). The loose-fitting clothing, the flowing hem...
This is... This is me, Falco realised.
"...Gabi," Falco said, starting to get choked up. "I... I think I am a girl after all."
He could see Gabi smiling at him in the mirror.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Yeah."
Falco couldn't help but smile to himself. He'd finally figured it out after so long. Finally realised why he'd always felt so uneasy, and he he'd never truly felt like he'd been himself.
Because he wasn't a boy.
She wasn't a boy.
Falco was a girl.
Gabi threw several more of her clothes into a plastic bag for Falco to take home, saying that Falco didn't need to return any of them and could do what he wanted. Falco thanked her profusely before leaving.
Falco grinned to himself -- herself -- all the way home.
Nobody was immediately around when Falco arrived, and she went straight to her room to set down her things.
She knew she needed to tell her family. Gabi had accepted her, so surely they would too, right?
Maybe she'd tell them after dinner.
In the meantime, Falco knew that Colt was home, and went to say hello to him in his room.
"How was practice?" Falco asked as she sat on a chair.
"Same as always," Colt replied. "I didn't come last in the drills for once, though."
"Oh, nice!" Falco said. "And--"
"...Wait." Colt interrupted her. "Are you... Are you wearing a dress?"
Falco had completely forgotten to change.
She broke out in a cold sweat as she felt Colt judging her.
"U-Um... Y-Yeah..." Falco mumbled, embarrassed again. "I... This..."
"Where did you even get that from?" Colt asked. He didn't sound angry, at least.
"...It's Gabi's," Falco said under her breath. "I can explain!" she added quickly when Colt gave her a confused look.
"...Go on."
Falco took a deep breath.
"This is gonna sound weird," she began, "But... I've recently realised that I'm not a boy, and that I'm actually a girl. I didn't really know how to talk about it, but I told Gabi today, 'cuz I thought it would be easier to tell her first... A-And she offered to give me some of the clothes she never wears... A-And... Um..."
Falco trailed off. She couldn't look her brother in the eye anymore.
Please don't hate me. Please, please don't hate me...
"Er... When you say you're a girl, you mean, like, you're... what is it again? Transgender?" Colt asked cautiously.
Falco paused. He knew the word. He hadn't reacted badly so far. Those were both good signs.
"I think so," Falco nodded. She then realised she was grabbing the fabric of her dress tightly. "Um..."
Falco forced herself to look up when she heard Colt move. He walked over to Falco and pulled her into a tight hug.
"I had no idea," Colt said. "I... I should've picked up on it, probably, as your brother. But I didn't. And this whole time I was just... treating you as a boy. I'm sorry, Falco."
Falco burst into tears again. She couldn't help it; she was just so relieved that Colt hadn't rejected her. Gabi's approval was important too, of course, but Colt was different since he was family.
"I don't think it's weird," Colt continued. "Sometimes people are just born in a body they don't want. You don't like your male body, and that's okay. You don't have to be comfortable with it."
Falco cried harder. She'd held back around Gabi, even though she'd cried pretty hard then, too. But she didn't feel awkward around her brother in the same way, so she was finally able to fully let loose.
"I'll just have to remember to tell people I have a sister," Colt remarked as he continued to hold Falco close. "And not call you a he."
Falco made a noise of acknowledgement through her tears.
"But whether you're my sister or my brother, Falco, I still love you," Colt said. "I'm on your side no matter what. Even if Mum and Dad don't understand, I'll support you. Hell, I'll make them understand if I have to."
"Thank you," Falco croaked, barely able to speak.
The two of them stayed like that until they heard their mother come home. Falco then quickly hurried to her room to change. She would still tell her parents... but she would do so without wearing her female friend's dress.
She was incredibly relieved when her parents had a similar reaction to Colt: they apologised for not realising, and asked Falco what they could do to make her comfortable. Falco said she was still figuring it out, but she would let them know.
Her father then offered to contact her school and explain things, but Falco felt she wasn't entirely ready for that. She wanted to spend a bit more time working out who she was, and when she'd adjusted more to being a girl at home, she'd then tackle it at school.
And, a few weeks later, she felt that she was ready.
Falco had made up her mind: she was definitely a girl. She grew more and more annoyed at people at school calling her a boy, being lumped in with her male classmates, and hated that she would have to explain everything if she corrected someone.
On a particular Monday, she decided to go to school wearing a blouse and a skirt. During her first class, she stood up in front of everyone (which she'd discussed doing with her teacher beforehand) and proudly told them:
"My name is Falco Grice, and starting today, I'm fully living my life as who I am: a girl. I'm not a boy anymore, if I even was one in the first place. This isn't because of the clothes I wear or the things I like or the people I like. It's because I don't feel connected to my body. While I'm physically still a boy, mentally... I'm a girl, and I want to be seen as one. In other words, I'm trans."
Even if anybody had been openly against Falco's identity, they wouldn't get a chance to express it. Gabi vowed to 'beat the shit' (her exact words) out of anyone who tried to shame Falco, and Udo and Zofia agreed to also back Falco up if needed.
Falco's only regret was that she hadn't realised things sooner. It had taken someone else talking about their gender for her to click. But she was still so happy that she was finally able to be who she truly was.
She met up with Eren again a few days later.
"It's amazing," Falco said, having filled him in on the details. "I feel so much better."
"I felt the same," Eren agreed. "When I first got to spend a whole day as a guy, without having to defend who I was... It was the first time I truly felt alive."
"Yeah!" Falco nodded. "And I know I'm lucky that my family and my friends are all so supportive, too."
"Treasure it," Eren told her firmly. "Make sure you tell them that you appreciate it. We need more kindness in this shithole of a world."
"O-Okay."
They sat in silence for a while.
"It's like a giant weight's been lifted," Falco commented. "I feel so... light now that I can be me. But I never knew how heavy I was, either."
"Mm," Eren grunted.
He stood up from the bench they were both sitting on and walked several paces away. Eren then turned around to face Falco, with both his arms stretched out as far as possible.
"That feeling is freedom," Eren proclaimed, pointing a finger directly at her. "You're no longer having to hide yourself, or be bound by the chains of society."
He strode back to Falco, and knelt down so that he was eye level with her.
"You are free," Eren said. "Never forget that, Falco. Don't ever take your freedom for granted. But embrace it. Show it off. Never be ashamed of yourself. Never hide your identity away just for the sake of appeasing people."
Eren stood upright again.
"And no matter what, don't let anyone try and take your freedom away from you."
Falco watched him in awe. She didn't know what to say. Eren's speech was both humbling and empowering.
When Falco headed home some time later, Eren's words kept echoing in her head:
You are free. Never forget that.