Work Text:
Bucky’s hand twitches with the urge to touch, but he doesn’t dare. Steve is so close, lying on the cot next to him, but Bucky cannot find the courage to bridge the wide chasm between them. Steve is Captain America now, saved him from the Hydra camp. Everything is upside down, and Bucky’s love for him feels even more dangerous for it.
It was easy to disguise his affection for the scrawny blond as friendship. It was easy to sweep him along for double dates to make everyone believe he was normal. But now? There’s no use for it anymore. Steve seems to have a thing for that Peggy girl. It must be great to have an out. Bucky doesn’t have one. He never liked girls like that. He tried to, so hard, but the heart wants what the heart wants.
Bucky doesn’t want much, just Steve to be close. Maybe it would be nice lying in Steve’s arms for a change. His super-soldier chest looks like an inviting pillow. But despite having their own tent, it feels like too much of a risk.
If it wasn’t welcome, Steve would never judge him. But what if Bucky destroys their friendship for a chance to cuddle and share a few kisses?
No. It’s not worth it. Not with Steve not taking the first step, not with Steve in the spotlight anyway. Bucky can’t imagine what would happen if the world knew that Captain America’s best friend is a man like him.
But Bucky wants him so badly. First, he thought it was simply because Steve needed him. Maybe due to pity or another emotion a bit kinder than that. But the feeling never really went away, not even after the serum. Steve looks so different now, but he’s still the man Bucky fell in love with. It’s the truth. But the truth doesn’t change the world they live in, doesn’t change the fact that Steve may not share his feelings. Maybe Bucky read things into normal interactions. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking—the longer than necessary hugs, the brushing of hands when they stood a bit too close, the blushing cheeks whenever he complimented Steve…
Bucky sighs. It’s futile. He could pretend around girls, ask them out, dance, even bed them. But with Steve, it’s unimaginable. He never faked anything with him, ever. Steve would look right through him. Maybe he already does. Maybe that’s why he fancies that English girl. Maybe sex is more important.
Bucky knows he should stay away from Steve. He’s a flame, and Bucky will eventually get burnt, one way or another. But he’s a stupid moth, circling back to him. He’d gladly die for him. Maybe that’s his destiny. It doesn’t sound too bad in the grand scheme of things. Better than watching Steve happily married with children. Bucky wouldn’t begrudge him that. At least, Steve would be safe. And at the end of the day, that’s all Bucky wants him to be.