Work Text:
Listening to Eric Nam's songs wasn't the common first thing to do in the morning for Youngsun — it wasn't even in her top-100 if you ever asked.
But here she was, sitting on the kitchen floor, headphones in, listening carefully, because, well.
She woke up to her phone buzzing on her bedside table and for god's sake, it's not even six in the morning if her foggy from the sleep vision gives her accurate information. She really wants to ignore it at first, but someone's being way too persistent — she untangles herself from the warm hug she was pulled into during the night, slips out of the bed as quiet as she can, grabs her phone and rushes to the kitchen for fear of making any noise. She rubs her eyes and stares at the screen of the phone in her hand dumbfounded. She expected it to be anyone from Yonghee (mind the time difference, unnie) to her manager-unnie (does this woman ever sleep?). What she did not expected was a message from Eric Nam — their conversations consists mainly of greetings on the holidays and birthdays, random jokes, some funny pictures and occasional exchange of advices.
"Well, this can be considered as a great friendship in the idol's world" — Youngsun notes in her head, opening the dialog.
from: Eric Nam
hello, Youngsun
sorry for such an early message
but
i just finished this song
and i am overexcited
(i mean it ㅋㅋㅋ)
it's going to be out in ten days after mv is ready
but i wanted you to hear it beforehand
because well
i thought about you while writing it
Youngsun almost choked on her breath — that's a bit awkward to say at least — but she continued reading anyway.
don't get me wrong, no strings attached anymore
just a bit of inspiration. nostalgia and reminiscing, yk
anyway, here is the song
file attached: i_dont_know_you_anymore.mp3
Youngsun tried to make the words make sense to her.
"The title sounds like a breakup song" — she thought loosely and then saw few more messages.
oh, and in case you still have difficulties with English, here is the lyrics with the translation
for better experience ;)
file attached: idkya_lyrics.pdf
Youngsun now is looking at this mess worth two whole pages of Kakao App and blinking blankly. Is this what for she got up at this ungodly hour, let herself out of the bed, blanket and Byul's embrace?
"God, give me strength"
from: me
Good morning to you too, Eric
Well, that's an honor to be able to listen to your song so soon but 1) i am scared (though am flattered as well) and confused as hell now when you said this song has something to do with me??? and 2) has anyone ever told you about writing everything in one message, idk??
Anyway, I am downloading the song now. I'll let you know when I listen to it.
Eric wasn't answering at once neither was he online — Youngsun assumed he is asleep already — the night in the studio drains everyone, no matter how much of experience do you have behind your back. She looked around looking for her earbuds and groaned internally, realizing they are left where she just came from. She considered for a second to just put it all aside for a good few hours and go back to Byul sleep, but she was too awake and too intrigued already. She headed to her bedroom, grabbed what she needed and headed back to the kitchen, stopping in the doors just to look at Byul who was sleeping peacefully.
Between the two of them it was mostly Byul's thing — to wake up earlier, watch Youngsun in her sleep and making some awfully greasy comment about it the moment Youngsun opens her eyes.
(Youngsun loves it with every fiber of her soul, but never will she ever admit it out loud)
Now she gets it. Byul looks simply beautiful — she is probably dreaming — her expression is changing in a hilarious yet cute way. Youngsun gaze lingers all over younger girl and her eyes are suddenly all teary from the amount of love and affection towards her.
They lived through a lot together — training, cries, fights, making ups, a lot of firsts — all the ups and downs they went through, they did it together — and overcome each and every part of it — as Mamamoo, as Youngsun and Moon Buyli and as a Moon and Sunrise.
She loves Byul so much it hurts, and she is grateful for her best friend to who and whatever should she be grateful to.
Youngsun stops herself, not letting her train of thoughts takes her to the next station with the draft name "something not platonic at all I feel to Byul" and left to the kitchen once again, shaking her head slightly. She drops the phone and the earbuds in the table quietly and takes her time to wash her face properly and make some coffee. Now, when she looks and feels like the decent human being, she presses "play" on the Eric's song.
She listens to it not looking at the lyrics first, just absorbing the melody, the flow and the voice — she cannot argue on this one — Eric does have a nice voice. The song is catchy, but not too pop — no stupid sounds or meaningless lyrics on repeat — she actually likes it.
"One more go, this time with the words making sense" — Youngsun thinks, mentally saying "thank you" once again for the translation — very thoughtful of Eric as she still struggles with her English. He is a good guy after all — maybe in the other universe she would regret saying "no" when he asked her out — yet again this leads her to forbidden territory hidden deep in her heart.
The song goes on again and Youngsun reads the lyrics along carefully — she holds her breath on the very first verse already.
you wanted the moon and the star and the whole galaxy
— Moonbyul — she whispers in the silence of the morning, still not breathing properly.
The song is still running in her ears, but the only thing she hears is her heart beating so fast she thinks she will be dead pretty much soon.
She opens Kakao Talk and goes straight to the chat with Eric, not really paying attention to her slightly shaking hands.
from: me
I listened to it
Did you really write the lyrics about me rejecting you because I am in love with Moonbyul??
btw I love the melody and ngl your voice suits it great
Youngsun lets herself sit on the floor because that's what she felt like doing — she was one foot in a panicking mode but played the song again and made it to the end with the lyrics, pinning her attention to the words instead of her thoughts — it's a breakup song indeed — emotional, but not too dramatic, not complicated but full of metaphors — perfect balance, but Youngsun is pretty sure she is missing something because of the translation. She hit "replay" and sings alone to that one particular line — it hits not too close to the home, but at the home itself.
She's wanted Moonbyul maybe (definitely) not always, but for years now and for forever in the future.
She can't really remember how and more importantly why did she spill it all to Eric that time he asked her out after pretending to be her husband for what felt too long — but she did, and gladly it went well. There was no judgement or threatening from him — just a sad chuckle in surrender and something like "I should have known better".
— It's pretty obvious, especially now, that I know. — he said, giving Youngsun a sly grin.
— Everything is obvious when you know it. — Youngsun rolls her eyes playfully, but they both are laughing seconds later.
— Does anyone know? — he asks her quietly and then, after pause — Does she know?
— I haven't told anyone, — she shrugs, — but as you say it's obvious, someone could have noticed — she says as casual as she can, hearing a panicking notes creeping into her voice.
— Well, then, thanks for letting me in and trusting me enough. Your secret is safe with me. — Eric gestures, zipping his mouth and smiles at her reassuringly. — And I might say, your members know. Hwasa and Wheein. They've been giving you both such a knowing look and the teasing is just endless. — He giggles remembering some jokes. — And I witnessed it for like a one day only.
Youngsun really doesn't know what to say at the moment — she is torn between a small panic attack, shyness and feeling gratitude for Eric being so supportive.
— Oh, and I think Buyl knows too. And what is more, she likes you back.
— She is just a walking flirt, that has nothing to do with me — Youngsun didn't mean it to sound so desperate though, but Eric just giggles in small.
— If a glare could kill, I would be dead the day your members came to the shooting, because of how jealous and protective of you she was. I swear, she hates me.
Another buzzing in her hand snapped Youngsun out of the memories she was drowning into — she was surprised a bit seeing texts from Eric, because he should be resting now, and she didn't expect him to answer any time soon.
from: Eric Nam
nah, I am good writing like this
double question marks, mm, bisexual behaviour
yes, i did
and thanks for the praise btw
Youngsun chuckles at the comment about question marks because, well, it's a stereotype but it's a cute one.
from: me
what if she gets it from your song?
from: Eric Nam
YOU HADN'T TOLD HER YET?
sorry, didn't mean to scream at you through the text
but it's been YEARS, Youngsun
you are a hopeless case (joking)
and no, she won't know
Youngsun rolls her eyes on his messages still smiling shortly and then stares at the cabinet in front of her — yes, it has been years and no, she's never told Byul because the stakes are high. It's not only Youngsun and her feelings — not even it's about her and Byuli — there are Mamamoo, fans, conservative society, and a lot-lot more behind her own decision to tell or not to tell.
from: me
but it's obvious, Eric
you literally sing about the girl who wanted Moonbyul
i know there are a lot of them but not all of them are connected to you
from: Eric Nam
everything is obvious when you know it ©
from: me
don't you quote me on me!!
from: Eric Nam
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
sorry?
but really, Youngsun, you should just tell her
I am sure she feels the same
and
you can figure out what to do next together, as you always do
"He is a good guy and a good friend" — Youngsun thinks, feeling a warm smile making its way to her face.
from: me
maybe you are right. i will think about it
from: Eric Nam
but please not for another half of the decade
I want to be alive to witness it
from: me
fuck off, Eric.
from: Eric Nam
wow, dot in the end
i am in trouble, am I not? ㅋㅋㅋ
i am going back to sleep for greater good
and Youngsun
she won't find out
cause she won't listen to my song
cause she hates me :))
— She does not — whispers Youngsun, not very sure if she believes herself — every time they ever talked about Eric in one way or another, Byul wasn't happy at all — and it's an understatement of hers.
— Who does not do what? — Youngsun hears above her and jumps where she is, hitting her head at the edge of the cabinet.
— Ouch! — she is rubbing her head forcefully standing up a bit unstable — Moonbyul catches her in her arms kissing her head where it hurts and Youngsun relaxes immediately, sinking in the relieving feeling of the lips on her.
— Yeba-a — Byul laughs in her husky morning voice and it does things to Youngsun. — I am sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you alright? — she lets Youngsun go to check her up and down.
— More or less, yeah. Good morning, Byuli — she smiles warmly — Did you sleep well?
— Yes, unnie — Moonbyul brushes her messy hair with her hand and yawns loudly. — Surprised you got up so early today. Anything happened?
— Nothing serious. — Youngsun nods reassuringly and pats Byuli on the shoulder.
— Do I even wanna know why were you sitting on the floor?
— I don't think so. — Youngsun laughs, turning to remake a coffee — her first cup is now half-emptied and cold already — Byuli just raises her eyebrows suspiciously but says nothing. — Wanna tea?
— Sure.
They have breakfast together, talking this and that, feeding each other the same food they both have on their plates and bickering over nothing — it feels so domestic, like home, like happiness — Youngsun thinks she can get used to it (who is she trying to trick, she already is) — she wants this with Byuli for the rest of her life.
She looks at Byul just to find out younger is already looking back at her with a smile and tenderness in her gaze — Youngsun wonders if it was there all this time, and she just keeps missing it, being so lost in her own feelings.
— Penny for your thoughts? — asks Byuli, taking the cup of tea in her hands to keep them busy – Youngsun is mirroring her not trusting her hands to just be – she wants to take Byul's hands in hers and not letting them go. She is debating what should she tell to Byuli because there are too many thoughts for one penny in her head — she is thinking about future with Byul, about the girl herself, about Eric's song and all the routine things like the day ahead of her.
— I am just happy here and now. — she finally says, and it makes Byul's eyes sparkle, even if Youngsun leaves "with you" unsaid.
— Good to know, unnie. — Byul smiles in her cup widely, keeping her eyes on Youngsun. — When I found you on the floor you didn't seem happy though — she tries again, not exactly pushing Youngsun but trying to pull it out of the elder.
Youngsun seems to be silent for too long because Byul pokes her in the cheeks and giggles when Youngsun catches her gaze.
— Thinking that much can hurt you, be careful. — she says, grinning at Youngsun who's expression changes to offended in the span of seconds.
— Yey! Can I have one — one! — peaceful morning without being assaulted in my own house? Am I asking for too much? — Youngsun kept punching Byul in the shoulder as the latter just laughed hysterically, not even trying to defend herself.
— And there I thought you were happy with me. — she said dramatically in between her laughs.
Youngsun wants to say she is happy with her even if it means being mocked almost every single minute of her life, but before she can even formulate the sentence, Byul catches her wrist and pull her closer, holding tight.
— You know you can tell me anything, Yong? — Byul asks her quietly, her lips are moving so close to Youngsun's she can almost feel them on her own. Byul is examining her for any sign of worry or whatever could be wrong, staring in her eyes so intensely yet careful, like Youngsun is going to break right here and now — which can be true because Buyl is so, so painfully close.
— Do you hate Eric? — Youngsun is sure this was not the thing she wanted to say at all but her mouth is now disconnected from the brain.
Byul drops her hands so fast like touching Youngsun gonna burn her, and steps away.
— You know how to ruin a moment, unnie, - she snorts and smile, but Youndsun can tell that the smile is fake, too unnatural. — Why asking it suddenly?
— Can you just answer it? Please? — Youngsun tries her puppy eyes, but Byul isn't looking at her now — something on the floor seems more entertaining.
— Okay. — Byul nods more to herself than to Youngsun to see. — I do not hate him, I'm just... — before Youngsun can give her any sign to elaborate, Byul is suddenly looking at her again, almost hurt but challenging. — Do you hate Seulgi?
— I do not! She is great and all. I'm just... — Youngsun stops middle-sentence — next word coming from her mouth was going to be "jealous" — she looks up at Byul for a moment, searching for something, and then it crushes her over.
— I love you. — she says too quietly, her voice is abandoning her for the first time in her lifetime. — I love you, Byul. — she repeats more confidently, taking a step closer.
— I l- — starts Byul, but Youngsun shushes her with the small hand gesture — leader card is played.
— I love you as I am in love with you. I want my every morning to be like this. Waking up with you, having breakfast together, making fun of each other. I want to fight with you over the smallest things and then make up. I want this, I want us not to end ever. Can we be something more, Byuli? — the last words came out as a bare whisper, barely audible. Youngsun feels tears falling down her eyes and she can do nothing to stop them — years of loving Moonbyul just shrank to this one moment in time — she is now crying the mix of relief, fear and hope out, finally.
Youngsun feels Byuli taking her hand in hers, interlacing their fingers and caressing her hand with a thumb gently while wiping her tears with the free one.
— I love you too, Yeba. — she says without hesitation. — I do for years now. And I will be the happiest star in the sky to start something bigger with you. To never let you go.
— You are being greasy again! — Youngsun tries to begrudge but fails miserably, just giggling weakly in Byul's shoulder.
— And I almost live here anyway, so most of our mornings are like this already. Except it's me making fun of you usually, not "each other". — she laughs in Yong's hair, brushing it with her nose and laughing even harder when Youngsun hits her jokingly wherever she can reach.
They part after a few minutes of silent hugs, Youngsun already calmed down and both of them smiling widely but shy, like they are college students confessed to their crush for the first time.
— I am sorry it took me so long. — Youngsun starts, — There are so many things, I just couldn't put this pressure on you, so I kept silent, but I loved you and was trying to show you, and... We've lost years, Byul. — Youngsun felt like crying once again and Byul was fast to notice it too — the younger looked at her with a warm smile, holding onto her shoulders and said softly yet determined.
— We haven't lost anything, Yong. And don't you dare put all the blame on yourself, when I stayed silent too. But we had each other all these years, one way or another. We got to know each other through the years and fall don't fall out of love, I guess, it's worth something. — they both chuckle at this and Byul goes on. — We were there for each other, and we were making each other happy. Just as we gonna continue doing in the future. — She waits for the nod and a smile from Youngsun and then adds:
— However, I wish I could kiss you earlier.
Byul puts her hand on Youngsun's face, caressing it gently, leans in slowly and stops for a quiet:
— May I?
Youngsun looks at her lips, gulps audibly and moves into, covering Byul's plump inviting lips with hers — the touch is light and gentle and full of love and promises of more — the kiss is exploring, tasting, expressing all the feelings and a bit of teasing — everything Youngsun imagined about kissing Byul but yet so much more and so much better. They are moving in sync like they were matched in heaven (or hell, who cares) to kiss each other — Buyl tugs her closer by the waist and moves the hand from her face to tangle it in her hair, which gets Youngsun to let out a whimper.
Byul breaks the kiss, letting their foreheads touching — they both are breathing heavily, eyes closed, noses brushing.
— And what does it have to do with Eric Nam? — she asks, and Youngsun can't help but shake, trying to hold her laughter.
— Who is ruining the moment now? — she teases, pecking Byul's lips few times in a row.
Byuli pouts anyway and Youngsun pull her closer to kiss it away — Byul kisses her back, a smile forming on her lips and breaking the kiss finally.
— Eric wrote a new song and gave it to me to listen. Long story short, it leads me to confession. — Youngsun shrugs, making a mental remark to text Eric later to update him on the issue.
— Never have I ever thought I'm gonna say it, but I love Eric Nam, — Byul is laughing hard now and Youngsun picks up on that. — Can I have the long story, though?
— He asked me out after "We got married", I rejected him telling I am in love with you, five years later he writes the song about it and voilà! I am confessing my love to you.
— He asked you out? I am back to hating him!