Chapter Text
Kieran walks into the store called "Fake Abs for Cheap! Strap-on Abs" off the 11th precinct. There is a secret that Kieran has never told anyone about before. Even worse than his past traumas. Kieran.... has no abs. He is also a stick, a flat ass-er. He can't let anyone know that. Bella is a hot and sexy assassin, so he has to be too. Kieran opened the door to the establishment, to be greeted by one of the store owners, Watah Cage.
"Um, excuse me?" Kieran said anxiously, praying that no one saw him enter this place. Especially Lauren, she'd never let it go.
"Ah yes, hello!" Watah said. "Welcome to Fake Abs for Cheap! How can I help you? Did'ya need some fake abs, fake ass, etc?"
"Hi, yes, I need a strap-on fake abs and fake ass pad please."
"Well, lucky you! You came to the right establishment. Though I'm on my break so Lunika shall take care of ya."
"Lunika?"
"The other owner, lemme call her. LUNIKA!" A girl who is carrying a fake ass pad comes running, almost tripping on a pile of clothes.
"What, what? I'm here." Lunika says, panting.
"We have a customer, deal with him." Watah says, as she heads to her lunch break.
"Alright, right this way Mr. White!"
"Okay, wait a damn minute."
"What?" Lunika says, as she turns to look at Kieran.
"When did I tell you my name-" Lunika shushes him quickly. "Ah ah, shush Mr. White. This is all part of the process."
"What process?"
"You see, me and Watah keep records of people all over the world who have flat asses, don't have mommy milkers or daddy dilkers so we can track potential clients. And you happened to be one of them. Also, we foretold you coming here, thanks to our wise friend Catilena."
Kieran was at a loss for words but just followed the weird lady obediently, he would do anything to look sexy. Also, he wanted Lauren to think he was. Kieran followed Lunika down the hallway of “Fake Abs For Cheap!”, in hopes that he would get a fake abs and ass so maybe Lauren would be tempted to smack it. He knows that will probably never happen but a guy can dream.
“Hurry up, Mr. White! There is someone important you should meet.” Kieran hurriedly rushed after Lunika, who walks so damn fast. Like that guy from Hunter x Hunter. The hallway stretched so far, which was weird seeing as the store looked so small from outside.
“Here we are!” Lunika said, as she fumbled for her keys in her pocket.
She found the right key then unlocked the door, revealing pitch black darkness.
Kieran hadn’t noticed it before but the pattern on the door was weird. There were vines stretching all across it and purple hyacinths wedged between them.
“Did they know that I’m the Purple Hyacinth?” Kieran whispered to himself worriedly.
“What?” Lunika said, staring at Kieran like he was crazy but also like she dealt with this everyday.
“Nothing at all, sweetheart! Let’s just head inside, shall we?” Kieran says, with the most sexy and gentlemanly voice he could.
“Oh no, you’re going in yourself toots.” Lunika said, shaking her head and backing away from the door. She then pushed Kieran inside the room, locking him inside.
“HEY! I WAS BEING ALL HANDSOME FOR A REASON!!” Kieran said, as he banged on the door but to no avail.
“Hey! If you’re done being noisy, Mr. White, I expect you to sit down.”
“What-”
The lights suddenly turned on, revealing a room with dimmed, purple lights. Vines covering it all over. Bookshelves with potion spells on one side, and a collection of weird faces on the other. On the bookshelves also displayed “Purple Hyacinth”.
Interesting,
Kieran thought. The name clashed with his assassin nickname.
“I told you to
sit down.
” The mysterious lady in a classic fortune teller outfit said.
Kieran decided to listen to the weird lady, seeing as he couldn’t get out even if he wanted to.
“I shall give you 3 cards, face down. And you shall pick one, and that card shall decide your fate.”
As the lady said that, 3 mysterious and “ominous” cards appeared in front of Kieran on the table at which the lady and Kieran were sitting. Kieran then reluctantly turned over the card in the middle, revealing…
“Ah hah! Your fortune is… that you shall forever be flat-assed!” The fortune lady said with a hearty laugh.
“What?!” Kieran clearly wasn’t having this so he flipped over another card.
“Your next fortune is…. That Ms. Sinclair shall never smack your asscheeks.” Fortune Lady said. “Not that you have any..” She whispered but very loud.
Kieran, by then, was red with fury so he turned over the last and final card.
It read:
You are hereby sentenced to life in Angst Universe
- Signed, Kai
“Who the hell is Kai?” Kieran said, but too late because the moment he said that, he wasn’t with the lady anymore. He was in another place completely.
“Have fun down there, Mr. White!!” The fortune lady yelled down to Kieran.
Kieran looked up instantaneously to find that the lady’s face was finally visible. A 21 year old woman with long, dark hair as Lukas’ heart and eyes the color of hazel.
No matter how beautiful she was, no way she could compare to Lauren,
Kieran thought. Still angry with the lady’s fortunes.