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(I)
The problems for their super chaotic drama club— Bungou Stray Dogs, as they call themselves— started when the Princess for the upcoming play, Lucy Montgomery, had to urgently get her wisdom tooth pulled and was advised not to use her mouth too much for at least three days. Three days which coincided perfectly with the three days of the Annual Cultural Festival. Lucy did profusely apologize (as much as she could with a swollen cheek) that she had planned the appointment with the dentist on the day after the play and that she didn’t know the pain would become so unbearable overnight.
Fyodor’s mistake was not in letting her off the hook easily but in letting Dazai pick the replacement. What did he expect when Dazai volunteered for the job? The guy is always up to something controversial.
So, he went and got hold of Nakahara Chuuya, who 1] isn’t a member of their club and 2] is a guy.
Dazai insisted Chuuya looks exactly like Lucy and nobody would notice the difference. The guy has fiery red hair (like Lucy’s) and bright blue eyes (like Lucy’s) and is rather short for a guy so he would fit both the dress and the coffin.
He does have a point, Fyodor had to admit grudgingly. Not that he’d admit it out loud.
“Well, what are we gonna do about the voice?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it! Chuuya can do the impression of a dainty debutante perfectly! Right, Chuuya? Come on~ our prez needs to see your acting chops! Don’t be shyyy~!”
The nerve endings on his temple were still twitching in his exasperation that hasn’t subdued since he entered the clubroom—nevertheless, he acquiesced for the audition of a dainty princess.
“Don’t tell me what to do, you asshole~!”
Fyodor stared at him—for once, truly at a loss on what reaction to give, whether to laugh or cry at the performance. Dazai was doing both—rolling on the floor and laughing till he was reduced to a sobbing mess. He never takes anything seriously. He is doubtless trying to make a comedy out of Snow White too.
(God only knows why they are performing Snow White and an even bigger mystery, even to himself, is how and why he agreed to take part in this absolute disaster of a play.)
Chuuya, on the other hand, blushed to the roots of his hair on seeing Fyodor’s blank expression and started yelling in his natural voice. “At least make a sound, you piece of fucking—”
“Chuuya–san, you are supposed to be a civilized princess. You shouldn’t be cursing all the time onstage.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he murmured, still embarrassed from what Fyodor could see. “So, what? Are we doing this, then?”
“Really?” Dazai unfurled from his fetal position on the floor and emerged like a rapidly inflating tube man. “Are we really doing this?” he echoed.
“What alternative do we have?” The drama club didn’t have many girls and those who did had already left for other clubs because of Dazai’s terrible personality. Moreover, just a few kids have red hair. Taking their year—only Lucy, Chuuya and Tachihara. And Tachihara? Well, even wearing Snow White’s frilly dress, he’d manage to look like a hoodlum. Chuuya is at least petite and pretty. In addition, leave him with Shibusawa for half an hour and he would definitely turn him into the most attractive character onstage. As long as Chuuya puts a pause to the nonstop train of curses tumbling from his mouth, so to say. Well, that’s easier said than done. “I am thinking of using some of our rehearsal tapes to dub over Chuuya’s lines.”
“Nuh–huh! That won’t do!” Dazai plucked the script from their overworked scriptwriter Poe’s timid hands and flipped through the pages before slamming the book close and tearing it through the middle. “This is one boring script! Let’s add more twists into the story!”
Fyodor let out what must be his fiftieth sigh in the one hour they were gathered in the clubroom. The animated mummy single-handedly is gonna be the death of him.
In the end, in spite of their final performance slotted for the next morning, the script plus some of the cast gets completely changed at the last minute due to Dazai messing around much to Fyodor’s annoyance.
(What’s more, if Dazai assumed Fyodor couldn’t see through what he was trying to do, he would really be insulted.)
(II)
Chuuya should have heard the warning bells when Dazai came to him with a deal so shameless that he’d have punched him in the face if he had the tiniest bit of self-respect instead of actually considering the terms.
Being around Dazai does that to a person, he realizes later, when you know you are at rock–bottom yet are willing to dig deeper.
Dazai had come to him saying he needed Chuuya to be the replacement actor for their play scheduled for tomorrow. Chuuya had, of course, laughed out loud. Him? Acting?
“Why do you even think I would agree, shithead?”
“Because I am gonna make a one–time deal you can’t refuse.”
This got Chuuya’s attention. “What do you mean?”
“Hmm, to put it simply for the sake of chibi’s pea-sized brain—”
“Dazai! I’m gonna kill you!”
“—in exchange for us getting a Princess out of you, you get your unrequited crush from the longest time to kiss you, no strings attached!”
Chuuya blushed so hard he was sure he was gonna explode. How can the stupid mackerel say all that with a straight face? Okay, he might have made out with fifty percent of the student population but Chuuya was yet to have his first kiss! Damn it!
“I–I–I do-don’t understand! What crush!? What... kiss?!”
“You know exactly what I mean, chibi,” he said with a sly smile on his face and Chuuya felt like breaking his full set of teeth, then and there. Sadly, he had already known he won’t be able to escape Dazai’s prying eyes from the moment Fyodor–fucking–Dostoyevsky walked into their class at the start of their high school semester and for two whole years, Chuuya has done nothing but steal glances at him from his corner seat.
Hell, their high school is nearing the end and he is nowhere close to getting over his useless hopeless pointless infatuation over the guy. The other day, his homeroom teacher praised him for the improvement in his grades, not knowing the real reason—Chuuya had hoped he’d get into the math club Dostoyevsky was part of and maybe, they will get paired on a project since they are from the same year!
But... Chuuya still couldn’t build up the courage to go confess to the guy like a normal person. He was afraid of rejection, of course—though, honestly, it might have been a better alternative than pining over a guy who hasn’t shown the least interest in him till date. If he gets rejected, he can simply pick up the pieces and move on.
Now, this? This is the cheapest tactic he could resort to! Act in a play and manipulate your crush to kiss you?! Is that... even a viable solution to his problem?
Dazai additionally assures him that he’d see to everything and that nobody would suspect him of anything—nobody would find out the real reason why he agreed to act as Snow White.
“How can I trust you?”
“Come now, chibi~ You know I don’t lie in such situations.”
“I am still suspicious. What’s your deal? What do you get out of this? What do you get from arranging a convenient scenario for me?”
Dazai let out a sound like he was hurt and placed his hand over his chest. “I don’t have any ulterior motive! I simply want my friend to stop pining and get laid, that’s all!”
“Dazai!” Chuuya reddened again. I haven't thought about—I don't wanna—jeez! Dazai really has no filter on his mouth whatsoever. And, here, Chuuya is the one who has a dirtier mouth yet shies away from the topic of... actual intimacy.
It doesn’t help that his mind automatically darts to the possibility of the Russian’s pretty lips over his and agrees to Dazai’s proposal without a second thought.
Chuuya clears his throat. “Dazai, I swear if this is some sort of a practical joke, I’ll fucking break your limbs! And if you speak one word of this to anyone, I—”
A lot of vehement nods and curses later, the deal is finally sealed and they walk to the clubroom to see the guy for whom the whole secret deal is being put into action.
Now, Chuuya just has to wait for his image to crash and burn, ending up in the hell of embarrassment like his life in general. But knowing Dazai and his foolproof plans, he has the slightest faith it might actually get pulled off. Slightest.
(III)
Fyodor had rightly guessed the reason Dazai brought in Chuuya for playing the Princess as soon as he started to tweak the script. He made enough inconspicuously specious arguments and managed to convince everyone that having the Huntsman, instead of the Prince Charming, kiss the Princess will make more sense. Thematically.
For long, Fyodor has known (or atleast, been told) of the secret crush the shorter guy had on him although it did feel weird someone might like him, of all people. He isn’t as pretty as Sigma, animated as Dazai or funny as Gogol. He has always been a loner and he has always been the happiest in his own company. He never felt the need of a partner to feel content with his life. Music, library and tea—these three items are enough for him to not feel bored. In fact, having to tend to the needs of a person other than himself will probably be more burdensome to him than anything.
Even then, sometimes, he was drawn to the red haired boy sitting in the last row of their class. In secret, of course. A guy with looks like his can get a hundred admirers any day so Fyodor had assumed his intel must be wrong, after all.
However, now, kneeling on the stage before Chuuya, he desperately wishes his intel to be true. His character is supposed to be consoling the ‘Princess’ and asking her to run away into the forest in this scene whereas it’s all Fyodor can do to not stutter and screw up his lines.
Fyodor, who has never forgotten a single thing he sees and hears, is on the brink of forgetting his lines now?!
Oh well, can he blame himself when Chuuya looks so beautiful?
His red hair has been braided and pinned up, some loose tendrils framing his face making it look softer and more delicate than usual. The slight turquoise eyeshadow over his heavy eyelashes deepens the blue of his eyes and a quick glance at the lips tinted with peach lipgloss—and Fyodor almost... blushes.
Fuck Shibusawa for giving his hundred percent in the makeup department. Sending Chuuya to him was another mistake on his part.
Quickly averting and focusing his eyes on his hands lest he gets distracted again, he finishes the rest of his dialogues hoping he didn’t mix up the lines. Well, since the audience isn’t murmuring amongst themselves or the backstage isn’t snickering, more or less.
(Whoever came up with the idea of subverting Snow White’s appearance from ‘skin as white as ivory, hair as black as ebony and lips as red as blood’ to a strawberry blonde Snow White, Fyodor has to thank them after the play is over.)
Soon enough, the scene is done and the stage is darkened for the propsmen to clear the setting for the next scene but his heart hasn’t stopped kicking against his ribs. From the moment he laid his eyes on Chuuya today, his heart has been acting weird. At first, he assumed it’s a mere side effect of his carefully concealed anxiety.
But now, he knows.
Not to mention, the anticipation for a particular scene in the upcoming act... oh god.
No, no, he won’t mess up just because he is attracted to a certain redhead.
All he has to do is stand over the coffin shaped box, stoop as close as possible and stay like that for ten seconds.
That’s all. No way is he kissing him for real.
He won’t give Dazai the pleasure of seeing his plan come to fruition even if this meant giving up on kissing the beautiful piece of art.
(IV)
The only person having fun in the whole play is Dazai. As the Evil Queen Osamu, he can cackle and prance about the stage as much as he wants. He is literally punctuating the end of every dialogue with a twirl of his dress or a toss of his cape and nobody can dare question his mental faculties today.
On the other hand, Fyodor seems uncomfortable with the clothes he is made to wear to look like a Huntsman.
Man, if only he knew how sexy he looks with his hair up in a half–ponytail under the hooded cloak, killer boots and dark makeup. The bandaged mackerel says Chuuya should get his eyes checked but he has to rudely disagree.
At least, the girls in the audience seem to agree with Chuuya. Every time Fyodor enters the stage, the audience is filled with cheers, squeals and applause, causing the tiniest inferno of jealousy in his heart. Fyodor is sure to get a hell ton of letters from secret admirers after this play is over even if he might have managed to stay lowkey so far into high school.
Chuuya might be one of them, who knows.
He desperately tries not to let his eyes roam after Fyodor and desperately tries not to let disappointment show on his face when his scene with him is over.
He wants to quickly breeze through the rest of the scenes so he can finally get to the anticipated one—a make–or–break point in his crush—either his kiss would be so good it blows his mind or so bad Chuuya will regret it being his first kiss for the rest of his life.
Well, at least, if the latter be the case, he’ll quickly get over his crush before the girls stampede the zone.
The shitty mackerel is giving him knowing looks and wriggling his brows even on stage as if he is here not to poison the ‘Princess’ but to play the matchmaker or something.
Chuuya all but snatches the poisoned apple out of Evil Queen Osamu’s hands just so that he can ‘pass out’ and ‘die’ and avoid blushing at his shit–eating grins. Even the dwarves have noticed Dazai’s strange behavior. Aya whisper–asks him while he is lying ‘dead’ in the coffin, “Chuuya, why does Dazai–senpai keep winking at you?”
He whispers right back from the corner of his mouth. “How is it that Dazai gets senpai and I don’t even get san or nii?”
At which, Aya simply turns up her nose and orders him to stay ‘dead’.
First years are scary, god.
Finally, finally, Prince Suehiro has ‘killed’ Evil Queen Osamu (fucking good riddance!) and the grieving Huntsman Fyodor crumbles on being informed of his beloved Princess’ death. He has to climb the three steps to take one last look at ‘her’ face and Chuuya wonders if he is purposely walking up that slow or if the anticipation is making him feel that way.
Either way, the moment has finally arrived!
Fyodor pushes away the 2-D cardboard cutout of a glass case over the coffin, kneels down next to him and reaches out to cup his cheek (and Chuuya involuntarily shudders at the sensation, damn him for being so sensitive!) and... leans in, closer and closer, so close now that he can feel the soft strands of his hair brushing against his forehead and his sweet breath on his lips (has he been chewing gum for this scenario? Yay!) and Chuuya has to restrain himself from twitching or doing something weird before the cue.
But with that, he stops moving any further. The razor thin gap between their lips remains, even if Chuuya wishes he could just wake up and close it but Fyodor is making no attempt himself, seemingly content to pass the no–strings–attached kiss.
Chuuya could take it no more.
He opens his eyes and hisses, “That’s it?!”
The dwarves take this as their cue and start jumping up and down, because their dear Princess is finally awake!
But Chuuya isn’t amused. He didn’t sign up to become a ‘Princess’, get his embarrassing photos taken and let them be used as blackmail material for a lifetime just so that his crush could tease a kiss.
Okay, he is desperate and foolish but so what? This deal was a shitshow right off the bat and he is determined to see it to the end.
That’s why he jumps out of the coffin, momentarily forgetting that he is wearing a dress and all but trips into Fyodor’s arms in a very un–princess–ly way. Well, the audience seems to like it from the way they are cheering.
He notices all this later. Right now, his full attention is on the guy standing in front of him, his head tilted in obvious confusion.
“That’s it! What kind of a kiss was that?!”
The dwarves stop jumping up and down, clearly confused by the change in voice and in the lines. Backstage, scriptwriter Poe is probably going round in circles at the impending trainwreck of Snow White but Chuuya doesn’t care.
“Hmm? What do you mean?”
“Do you even know how to kiss, rat boy? Blowing air on my lips doesn’t count as a kiss!”
Fyodor is clearly torn between staying in character for the sake of Poe or breaking character to defend his own honor. “What is that supposed to mean? I kissed you and brought you back to life and this is—”
“Brought me back to life?! What a shitty joke! I woke up by myself, no thanks to you! I waited and waited so you could actually kiss me but you? You just chickened out from such a golden chance!”
And then, Fyodor snaps. Their teachers who worshiped him and the students who looked upon him as the ‘golden student of class 3–A’ must all be pulling out tufts of their hair on seeing his true self. Below all those layers of nonchalance and a laid–back attitude, he is actually very passionate about ‘honor’ and stuff. Also, a complete dork.
He seems insulted or, more likely, embarrassed.
“You are awake! That’s all that matters! What even is your point, Princess?! Do you know you are supposed to be thanking me right now, because... well, I don’t know... how about I let you escape twice from Evil Stepmother Osamu?!”
“Liar! You only let me escape once. Evil Queen Osamu fed me a poisoned—”
“Fed you? Fed you?! You snatched it out of his hands—I witnessed with my own two eyes! You are the liar! You–you are a greedy snobby gluttony who—!”
“Huh?! Whoa! Are you defending Evil Queen Osamu now?! I did all that for you! I bit into an apple and passed out so you can kiss me but now— I realize— all along, you didn’t know to kiss at all! Our love was doomed from the start!”
“My kisses are the best! I just didn’t feel like kissing you, Princess.”
“Ha! Anyone can say that! Prove it!”
By now, Chuuya is slowly realizing that 1] they are still onstage and they aren’t done with the play yet 2] the audience is watching their outburst in utter shock 3] Ranpo is consoling a bawling Poe 4] Dazai is snickering like a seal hopped up on drugs while lying ‘dead’ on the stage 5] Techhou is waving his sword at the two ‘lovers’ and asking the offstage people if he is supposed to kill them as well 6] Kyouka is making up some story about an evil curse that has possessed their ‘Princess’.
And Fyodor, well, Fyodor is staring at him, his eyes twinkling in stifled amusement over his hand covering his mouth and all of a sudden, Chuuya realizes that he underestimated this guy, who has always been compared to Dazai in terms of useless intelligence, and that he already knew the real reason he accepted the role of Snow White.
Chuuya starts to blush furiously.
Shit! He didn’t kiss me on purpose! So that he won’t lose to Dazai. What now?!
He is totally screwed, no doubt. What little chance he might have had with this guy is all gone now.
Presently, his eyes steel in an odd determination. He drops his hand from his face to flourish a bow and asks, in a gravelly voice which makes Chuuya shudder like a true princess. Kouyou is gonna be so proud. “In that case, pray give me one more chance to prove myself, Princess.”
“What?!”
He takes his momentary shock as a chance to pull him closer by his wrist and cup his cheek to actually kiss him. Not a quick peck but an actual kiss Chuuya has seen in movies and novels.
Nobody needs to know that he is a closeted hopeless romantic but oh, well.
(V)
Later, they come to know the younger kids were quickly paraded out of the auditorium due to ‘steamy’ scenes ‘unnecessarily’ added to an enactment of ‘a children’s fairy tale’.
Much later, they come to know their play has won first prize because the winner is selected by voting and most of the girls voted for their play. Snow White and the Huntsman won the Best Couple Award. Heh.
At least, Poe’s heart is beating fine again.
They walk out of the awards ceremony in a daze—a beat later, both of them burst out laughing at the same time.
“Oh fuck, I can’t believe this!”
Fyodor smirks down at him. “Quite demanding, aren’t you, Chuuya–kun? The way you demanded a kiss!”
Chuuya quickly turns away from those all–knowing eyes. Fuck his brain in finding this guy attractive. “That’s so... ugh, we are supposed to act out every scene properly~!”
“Oh, that’s the reason? But why did you join the play at all? You used to say you don’t like acting?”
“Stop acting like you don’t know, rat boy. Fine. I guess I must–must apologize for Dazai and his cheap tactics. Plus the mistake is on my part too. I shouldn’t have used you in that way.”
He raises his brow in surprise. Is it really surprising that Chuuya fessed up fast? He is honest in a lot of ways even though he can be lured into doing slightly immoral shit as well. “So? How do you plan to offer me a heartfelt apology? I too can be quite demanding, you know.”
I can see that. “What do you want me to do? I will do anything as long as it is within my bounds.”
“Hmm? How about joining me for a cup of coffee, then? I hear the new café in the area is really good.”
Is he—Like on a—haha, no way!
“Yeah, like on a date,” he echoes, thrusting his hands into his blazer pockets. Chuuya stops in his tracks on hearing his candid proposal. Noticing his sudden absence by his side, Fyodor turns around. “Oh, but if you like my kiss, that is. A lot more will come your way~ so if you wanna get out, you gotta do it now.”
His initial surprise slowly eases into a smirk. Chuuya prances up to him and grabs his hand by the elbow. “Ha, no takebacks now!”
“I am never returning you either, little princess.”
“Whuzzat?”
The Russian has a sly smile on his face as he shakes his head.
“Oh? You gonna say shit in Russian now?! I am taking a Russian speedrun tutorial just ‘cause of this!”
And, he laughs—a genuine boyish laugh and Chuuya realizes he is falling for him faster than ever. Damn.