Chapter Text
“I remembered that all of my feelings of non-belonging ended at this couch. As if the emptiness that I’ve felt inside of me since birth ended here,” Ceylin finally says.
She can’t quite bring herself to say “with you” instead of “at this couch,” but she knows Ilgaz will understand her meaning regardless, as he always seems to. Ceylin knows that this final hesitation stems from very same parental and abandonment issues she was just telling Ilgaz about, but she still feels a very warm sense of pride in finally having voiced just how much she appreciates Ilgaz and truly believes that they fit together. It’s the least she can do to thank him for how endlessly supportive he’s been of her during her horrific time imprisoned.
He’s still grinning at her and hasn’t said a thing, so she continues, clarifying exactly why she needed to come to his house.
“And now I’ve come and arrived here,” she tells him with a little shrug, casting her eyes down when her nerves flare up a little as she grows closer to voicing her request.
She is almost sure that they’re on the same wavelength for where they stand with each other. But, this deep connection and sense of belonging she feels with Ilgaz is still very new and foreign to her, something she’s never felt with anyone else before, which breeds for some natural fear and uncertainty.
“If you’ll let me, can I go to bed with you?” she finally verbalizes, mentally pushing down her reservations and taking a step forward toward Ilgaz, looking up at him again with a smile.
The smile that hadn’t left Ilgaz’s face since the minute he opened his door to her only grows wider, and after a few seconds he nods, caressing the backs of her hands with his thumb.
“You can,” he quietly murmurs, cocking his head in a slight nod toward the direction of his bedroom.
He then drops her right hand, and curls his grip more firmly around her left, pulling her forward with it.
When they enter his room, Ilgaz lets go of her other hand to crawl into his bed. He moves until he is sitting atop the covers, his back against the headboard and his legs out in front of him. There is a sudden pause as Ceylin lingers by his bedside, both of them unsure of what exactly comes next. Ceylin remembers, and she guesses that Ilgaz is also simultaneously recalling, that the only time they had slept together had been on her office couch when she was moderately drunk.
They both give out a nervous chuckle that is lengthened by their amusement of their synchronicity.
“Eh, can I…” Ceylin starts, her hands gesturing at his torso.
Goodness, she feels so awkward and a little juvenile—though not uncomfortable, she always feels safe and comfortable with Ilgaz.
As if he senses her request, he smiles, beckoning her with his head and opening his arms toward her, scooching so that he is laying down on the bed. She smiles back at him and gets into his bed tentatively, gently aligning herself flush against him and resting her head on his chest along with both of her arms. Ilgaz brings his right arm up from the bed, curling it around her shoulder in a motion that makes her feel protected, and settles his left hand in her open palm.
“Thank you,” she whispers, inhaling a deep breath of his scent and feeling instantly soothed.
He presses a lingering kiss into her hair in response.
“I hope you know that you’re welcome here anytime,” he tells her, and she squeezes his hand in grateful acknowledgement.
“I’m so happy that you’re here tonight, it was really hard for me to say goodbye to you at your parents’ house earlier. It hasn’t been the easiest for me sleeping these last few nights knowing you were alone in that place, and it felt almost as difficult letting you go tonight while you were within reach,” he continues in a low voice after a long pause.
Ceylin raises her head slightly to look up at him, surprised by his admission. The Ilgaz she knows would never admit to any hardship he faced that was related to her, but she is so glad that he’s getting better at verbalizing his feelings to her. She brings her right hand from his chest up to his cheek briefly.
“I’m sorry these last two nights were so hard for you too, but obviously I couldn’t stay away from you for very long either,” she responds lightly.
Ilgaz huffs in amusement as Ceylin settles back onto his chest with a grin. He then puts the hand resting on her shoulder into her hair slowly, and Ceylin nudges her head further into his hand encouragingly, suspecting his tentativeness. At this, he starts stroking her hair, and she gives a little pleased hum at how good it feels.
“We’ll be working together on your case now that you’re out of there. I won’t stop until you’re acquitted,” he says into her hair.
Ceylin sighs into his chest. She’s endlessly grateful for his steadfast devotion, truly. But, she’s also unfathomably tired, and just wants one night where she can relax and not feel the weight of her life like the sky on Atlas’s shoulders.
“I never want to go back to that place again, and I know you won’t let me,” she whispers back, twirling her fingers around one of the drawstrings of his hoodie, “but can we please think about that tomorrow? I just want to rest tonight.”
“Of course,” Ilgaz responds, moving his hand from her hair back to her shoulder to give it a squeeze, and kisses her forehead, “So…what kind of breakfast food do you like? You usually just pick at whatever I make you.”
Ceylin laughs at this.
“Anything salty. Olives, sausage, you name it. Some nuts, too. Just not tree nuts—I’m allergic,” she says.
“Oh, I know,” he tells her, to Ceylin’s surprise.
“What?” she raises her head and frowns at him.
“Before we met, Pars told me about your little, ah, allergic reaction in court,” he explains, looking somewhat embarrassed.
Ceylin groans as she puts her head back down.
“I was hoping everyone at court would have forgotten about that by now,” she complains.
“I don’t forget anything related to you,” he shoots back.
“Wow, way to turn something embarrassing into something sweet. No one can outdo you, Sayın Savcım,” she teases him, and Ilgaz huffs amusedly in response.
A few minutes of silence pass, and Ceylin starts stroking little circles with her fingers along Ilgaz’s chest. When she first begins, he gives a little shiver, making her smile into his neck. Soon after, he follows suit by tracing a very light pattern on her exposed arm just below the cutoff of her sleeve, the pads of his fingers gently grazing back and forth.
The calming motions make Ceylin realize how tonight in Ilgaz’s arms is the safest and most supported she has ever felt in her life. Funny how the universe makes things happen, given that this is right after the nights where she has felt the least safe and loneliest.
As she grows more and more tired, her fingers slow to a stop on Ilgaz’s chest.
“I love you,” she hears Ilgaz whisper right before she falls asleep, and she lets the warmth of his words envelope her as she drifts off.