Chapter Text
Hera Syndulla had a problem.
Thankfully, it was a lot less serious than the crew’s previous problem— when Kanan had been captured by the Empire. Hera felt a shiver run down her spine at the memory. She still hadn’t totally forgiven herself for actually listening when he told her to take off without him— to leave him in the Empire’s hands. She’d known why he’d said it, known that it was the only way to protect the others. But Force, Hera had hated leaving him behind.
But thanks to Ezra’s stubbornness and some intel from one of his contacts, they’d found Kanan above Mustafar, and rescued him. Until the moment she’d heard him over the comlink in the TIE fighter, Hera had been secretly, quietly terrified, sure that they’d never get him back.
After all these years, she should have known better than to underestimate him, and Ezra. Because they’d gotten him back. He’d been tortured, questioned, and dueled an Inquistor and won— and he’d survived.
When he hugged her in the hallway after they’d escaped Mustafar, Hera had never felt such relief in her life. Kanan was home, and he was holding her like he never wanted to let go. And frankly, Hera didn’t want him to.
And it was then that it had hit her fully. That somehow, after all these years, despite all her denial and stubbornness and her refusal to let him in, Kanan Jarrus had slowly but surely claimed her heart.
She couldn’t be sure when it had started— probably Rion, though. Their time on that planet had been one of Hera’s most treasured memories even before now, even before Kanan’s kindness and bravery and selflessness had properly shown itself. Before she’d realized that he was the kind of man that she could not only trust, but truly care about. A man she could be herself around, even when that self was less than confident and unshakeable.
And somehow, before she’d even been entirely sure, Hera had ruined any chance she ever had with this man. She’d told Kanan that their relationship was to remain strictly professional, only just barely friends. And Hera knew that she’d been walking that line fairly closely over the past months. But this… this was very different. This was honesty and opening herself up to him, and unfair in the extreme. After making it clear that any sort of romantic relationship was out of bounds, was it really fair of her to ask him for that now?
Therein lay her problem.
She didn’t even know if that was what he wanted. He’d said that the flirting had been a cover, after all— part of the flirting, her mind insisted on reminding her, not all of it— and there was no reason to not take that to heart.
But Hera didn’t want to. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she wanted a relationship with Kanan. Not just co-workers, not just friends. She wanted more. And it scared her. But not nearly as much as the thought of living without Kanan had scared her.
And yet, here she was, awake in the wee hours of the morning with a mug of caf, going over the same thoughts in her head over and over again. Unsure of what he wanted or what she could ask of him. Afraid of the man she longed to be with more than anything.
Letting out a long sigh, Hera rubbed a hand over her face. It had been about a week since Mustafar, and she was still no closer to an answer. Force, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to figure this out? It was bizarre, how part of her wished this realization had never happened, but another part of her recoiled at the very idea. Not knowing who Kanan was to her… frankly, Hera was stunned it had gone on for so long.
It was her own fault, really. But that was a problem for another night. She had enough to deal with for now. Including her rather maudlin attitude, which was getting on her own nerves. Scowling, Hera took a sip of the caf, hoping it would push away her irritation.
“Credit for your thoughts?”
Hera jumped, nearly flinging caf all over herself at the deep, familiar voice. Looking up, she saw Kanan standing in the doorway of the Ghost’ s kitchen, watching her. He wore simple night clothes, and his hair was loose from its usual tail, tumbling down around his shoulders in a dark wave.
That Hera was staring at. When she really shouldn’t. Actually she was just staring at him in general, which she should definitely stop doing. Hastily, she said, “What are you doing up?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Kanan said, lifting an eyebrow at her.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Hera said, rolling her caf mug between her palms, her gaze flickering up to his face and down again. “You?”
He was silent for just a little too long before he said, “Same here.”
Hera didn’t respond at first, weighing her next words for a moment. “Nightmare?” she finally asked quietly.
His blue-green eyes flashed up to meet hers, and Hera felt her heart flutter slightly. “I… yeah,” he admitted softly. “How’d you guess?”
“I know you well enough by now,” Hera replied. “There’s caf if you want some.”
“Thanks.” Kanan headed over to the counter, busying himself with pouring himself a cup of caf. His movements were tense, and Hera could swear she saw his hands shaking as he filled the cup.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
He didn’t respond right away as he lifted the mug, taking a slow, measuring sip. Then he turned, back against the counter, both hands cupping the mug. “It was about Mustafar,” he said.
Hera didn’t reply, allowing the silence to fill up the room, letting Kanan be the one to break it. He did eventually, still staring into his mug. “I was back on Tarkin’s ship. They were still— still torturing me. But this time—” he stopped, pain stamped across his face.
“This time?” Hera asked quietly.
“This time they didn’t want information. The Grand Inquisitor was trying to turn me to the Dark Side.” Kanan gripped the mug hard, his knuckles turning white. “It worked. And they sent me after you and Ezra and the others.”
Force. A shudder rippled through Hera at the thought of losing Kanan to a Dark influence, the thought of him coming back, not to them but after them. But even as the thought crossed her mind, she dismissed it. The very idea was almost impossible, that Kanan of all people would betray them.
He didn’t look like he believed that, though. Kanan’s expression was shaken, fearful as he clung to the mug of caf like it was the only thing keeping him grounded. Forgetting all about her own worries, Hera got to her feet, moving to his side.
Kanan started when she rested a hand on his arm, his gaze slow to meet hers. But once it did, Hera said firmly, “You would never do something like that.”
“You can’t guarantee that,” Kanan said. “You can’t be sure that if they got at me—”
“They did get you,” Hera said bluntly. “But you refused to give in to them. You held on, even as you went through… horrible things.” She remembered the sight of the burns covering Kanan’s body when they’d patched him up, the pain that was so clear in every movement no matter how much he tried to mask it. “You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. And I know that you’d never betray us.”
Kanan was silent for a long moment, then looked at her again. “Thank you,” he said, his voice rough. “I— thank you. You always somehow know what to say.”
The cadence of his words and the small smile he offered her suddenly made her far too aware of how close they were standing, of her hand on his arm. Pulling back quickly, Hera managed a return smile. “Not always, trust me. But if I could help in this case, I’m glad. You can always talk to me about anything, okay?”
For some reason, that seemed to make Kanan’s worries return. He tensed up again, his gaze flickering away, and Hera frowned at him. “Is everything okay?”
“I— yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” Kanan said hastily. “Just… there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, for a while, actually.”
What could he want to talk to me about? It couldn’t have anything to do with— Feeling her traitor heart pick up a few notches, Hera took a quick breath, forcing herself to remain calm. She was being foolish, led on by the thoughts she’d had earlier. “Of course— what is it?”
“Do you remember when the Empire caught you a few weeks back?”
That was… probably the last thing Hera had expected him to bring up. Ignoring her own unreasonable disappointment, she said, “Well, mostly. I still don’t remember anything past the Inquisitor’s interrogation. Why do you ask?”
Shifting his weight slightly, Kanan ran a hand through his hair as he said, “I, uh, was talking to one of my Force sensitive agents a while back, one who’s an expert in Force healing. And she helped me figure out a way of… possibly restoring those memories.”
Hera’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh. I suppose that wouldn’t be a bad idea— although I know that tends to drain you. Does it really matter?”
“It does.”
Kanan’s reply was soft, but intensely sure, in a way that sent a thrill over her. For a brief moment, Hera considered asking him why, what she was missing, but something told her the best way to get answers was to just trust him. “Okay,” she said. “What do you need me to do?”
“Just prepare yourself and be patient— and if it’s alright with you, I need to touch your face,” Kanan said. Hera nodded her permission, and Kanan reached up with both hands, framing the side of her face. He closed his eyes, his brow furrowing in concentration.
Hera was steadfastly attempting to calm her heart, which had picked up at Kanan’s proximity, when it hit her. A sudden wave of memories, slipping into a blank space that Hera hadn’t even known she’d had before now. She swayed on her feet, catching herself against the counter and letting out a gasp at everything sweeping through her mind.
Kanan finding her and being… totally unfamiliar. Somehow both a total stranger and someone she trusted, in her gut.
The way he’d protected her, helping her escape the Empire.
And then…
“You deserve all the stars in the sky, and someone who’ll fight to give you them.”
“Are you sure that’s not you?”
Oh, Hera thought, her head spinning. Oh, Force. All this time. She looked up at Kanan, who was watching her cautiously and for the first time, registered just how nervous he was. Because by being honest with her, he was putting it all on the line.
For her. Like he always would.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered.
“I didn’t think you’d want to know,” Kanan admitted, his eyes flicking away from hers. And in that moment, Hera gathered all of her courage and spoke again.
“What if I did want to know?”
His eyes flashed back up to hers again, widening slightly. Starting to speak, Kanan paused for a second. “Hera,” he said hoarsely, his eyes questioning, asking her permission. Permission Hera was already moving to give as she pulled him close to her in a kiss.
This was far from their first kiss, but it still swept Hera off her feet. A tingling rush shot through her, making her head spin in a decidedly pleasant way as Kanan kissed her back. She felt her knees buckle, but a strong arm around her waist held her steady. As she twined her fingers through Kanan’s hair, all she could think was, Finally.
She wasn’t fully certain of how long it was before they broke apart, breathless. All Hera really knew right now was that Kanan Jarrus was cradling her against his chest, looking at her in a way she had never known she craved until this moment. “Wow,” he murmured. “That was—”
“I’m so sorry.”
The words escaped Hera before she could think better of it, and Kanan frowned. “For what? For that? Because you definitely don’t have to—”
“No, not that.” Pressing her eyes shut, Hera winced. “I never meant for you to think I didn’t think you deserved me or something stupid like that. I didn’t even think— well, it took me a while to realize what I wanted. Apparently, near death experiences do that fairly well. But I should have seen it earlier. Should have seen you.”
“It’s not your fault,” Kanan pointed out. “I was supposed to keep you from realizing that I was a spymaster, after all— the deceiving you part of it just spread to more than a few areas. It was my fault just as much as yours.”
Letting out a snort, Hera said, “It was not your fault, love. I was stupid and shortsighted and I couldn’t look at anything but the Rebellion—” her voice nearly cracked, and she took a quick breath. “And… I’m still scared, Kanan.”
“Okay,” Kanan said simply. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“I’ve never—” Hera hesitated, feeling herself start to blush as she looked down, away from his gaze. “I’ve never done this before. Any kind of relationship like this. I mean, I had a few crushes when I was younger, but… well, my father was Cham Syndulla. And after I left home, I was so busy with the Rebellion that there never seemed to be any time for it until… I found you.”
Forcing herself to meet his eyes, she saw nothing but understanding in his face. “I don’t know how to do this,” she confessed. “It’s all very new and kind of terrifying, even though I know what I want.”
“That’s fine,” Kanan said, his deep voice soothing her. “We can take it slow. One step at a time, together. Whatever you need.”
Hera took a moment to marvel at it all, at the fact she’d found a man so patient and understanding. “I don’t deserve you,” she told him, and he laughed.
“I get the feeling that’s a fight neither of us will ever win, so let’s agree to disagree for now.” Kanan paused, his gaze lingering on every detail of her face, so intense that it made her flush slightly. “You’re… incredible,” he whispered. “Impossibly perfect. I’m not actually positive that this is real.”
Hera couldn’t help herself— a small smile started to play across her lips. “Do you want me to remind you?”
Kanan’s eyes widened, and he laughed, a deep chuckle that resonated through his chest, humming against her. “I think I’ve finally been a bad influence on you, Captain Hera,” he said, bending down to press an ever so gentle kiss against her lips. Hera savored the tender moment, although her mind was already moving to a few problems that had occurred to her.
When Kanan pulled back, she said, “We should probably talk about… well, everything. Lay some ground rules or something, especially as far as continuing to work with the Rebellion goes.”
“Makes sense,” Kanan admitted. “And we should talk about telling the others.”
Hera blinked. “Oh— Force, I didn’t even think about that.” She hesitated, and felt Kanan studying her.
“We don’t have to tell them right away,” he said. “If that’s what you want. We’ll have to eventually, but it can just be us for a little while.”
“That would be nice,” Hera admitted. She knew, realistically, that there was no way they could keep this from the rest of the crew forever, and she didn’t really want to.
But there was a part of her that wanted to just hold on to the happiness of it being just them, like they were floating in their own little bubble. At least for tonight.
They still need to talk, though. So Hera reluctantly pulled back from Kanan’s embrace, snagging his hand as she did so. “Come on,” she said. “We should talk.”
“We couldn’t have talked like that?” Kanan grumbled dramatically, but he followed her anyways, his fingers lacing around hers.
“How am I supposed to think rationally if you’re distracting me?” Hera said, and immediately regretted it when a wicked grin spread across Kanan’s face.
“Oh, I’m distracting, am I?” he teased, raising an eyebrow at her. “And here I thought I was just not terrible to look at.”
Letting out a huff, Hera muttered, “I suddenly regret getting those memories back. I’m never going to live that down, am I?”
“Maybe not,” Kanan agreed. As they settled in the dejarik booth, his grin faded. “Was I right to give you those memories back? I didn’t mean to push or anything, but I promised you, and—”
“You were right,” Hera said decisively. “You were definitely right. It was the push we both needed, I think. Well. Mainly me.”
“Good.” Kanan sent her that warm smile that always made her heartbeat speed up just a little.
Hesitating, she asked, “We can do this, right? We can make this work? It’s just— there’s so many reasons this could go wrong, and what if it doesn’t work out? What happens to our team, working together?”
“Unless you get sick of me, there’s no way that happens,” Kanan said with utter confidence. Giving her hand a quick squeeze, he said, “Look, I’m kind of new to this, too. Not the romance part of it, but finding someone that I wanted to commit to, finding someone… well, like you. So we’ll do this the same way we always do.”
“As a team,” Hera said, her heart swelling as Kanan nodded.
“Yeah. One step at a time.” A small smile curling up the side of his mouth, he said, “And maybe let’s not get carried away with the worry part of it. There’s something to be said for romance.” His gaze moved down to her lips, and Hera forgot to breathe for a moment.
“You have a point, love,” she murmured, and his smile widened as he bent down to kiss her again.
Maybe they didn’t know what would happen next, not really. But one thing Hera did know, down to her very core, was that she could depend on Kanan, and always would be able to. And maybe that was enough.