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It was late, but that still didn’t account for the empty hallways. The entire temple was on lockdown, and a curfew had been placed in effect. If a Jedi had not been assigned to the investigation they were placed on a rotating schedule to protect the creche and initiates. Between the assasination attempt on Yoda and the near disaster with the turbolift early that day it was becoming more and more difficult for even the most seasoned Jedi Master to remain calm and not let their anxieties get the better of them.
Mace Windu couldn’t remember the last time he had had a full night's sleep. He had already been on edge ever since his childhood friend, Tahl, had been taken captive on Melida/Daan, and it only got worse when his other childhood friend returned to the temple with a gravely injured Tahl but without his young Apprentice.
The good news had been that his friend would live, though she would remain blind for the rest of her life. The bad news was that Qui-Gon’s fourteen year old Padawan had been left behind on a planet seeped in a civil war.
The details had been hazy, as they often were when it came to Qui-Gon’s reports, but by his account it sounded like the boy had been overcome by personal feelings and ignored the mandate of the mission. It was not an unusual story, there was a reason that adolescents were assigned to a single teacher to help them navigate what is arguably the most tumultuous times in their lives, but something about this was different.
He had met the boy as an initiate, and had at one time considered taking him on as a Padawan if Depa had been knighted in time to do so. He was headstrong, impulsive, quick to anger and oftentimes reckless, but Obi-Wan Kenobi’s drive to be a Jedi Knight was stronger than most, certainly the strongest of his agemates.
For him to turn his lightsaber on his Master and decide to leave the Order after willingly offering to give his life for the Jedi meant that there was probably more to the story than Qui-Gon was letting on.
Mace had his suspicions, he knew Qui-Gon had his own trust issues thanks to Xanatos.
But regardless, a misstep had been made, and though by galactic standards for a human thirteen is no longer technically considered a child, they are still not yet an adult and therefore he, like the rest of the Council did bear some responsibility in this.
The message they received would haunt him for years, he remembered the look on Yoda’s face as the transmission came in.
– - - -
"Cerasi is dead."
The voice was soft, and it sounded much older than the last time Mace had heard it. He stopped and turned. He glanced over at Yoda whose ears were flat in sorrow and then back at the Padawan's face which was etched with misery.
"She was caught in a cross-fire between Elder and Young forces."
This was a tragedy. In the little information they were able to glean from both Qui-Gon and a barely coherent Tahl was that the young girl had been kind, the catalyst for Obi-Wan’s defection from the Order (according to a possibly jaded Master).
"Now each side blames the other for her death. Even Nield is ready for battle. Wehutti's forces have rearmed. My squad has been disbanded. I have no command, no way to convince the others to disarm."
Mace steepled his fingers and rested them over his mouth as he watched the hologram of the young Padawan continue to plead his case. Obi-Wan's face was etched with grief and something else, something normally seen on the faces of those who had to witness an awful fate. In the short few weeks that he had been gone the boy had grown into a battle hardened soldier only to be shattered by a personal tragedy.
"I don't know what to do, I am no longer a Jedi. Yet I know what a Jedi can do. And I know that only a Jedi can help. QuiGon, I realize I have done harm to us. But will you help me now?"
The image flickered away and the two Masters were left in remorseful silence. Mace could sense Yoda’s sorrow through the Force, though he hid it well Mace had always noticed that the wizened old Master held a soft spot in his heart for Kenobi, in fact he had secluded himself for three days when Qui-Gon returned to the temple without the lad.
“Qui-Gon needs to see this,” Mace said, with less confidence than he probably should have. “The boy was asking for him directly.”
“Hmmmm,” Yoda let out a drawn out sigh. “A crossroads this is, for both master and student. Uncertain Obi-Wan’s future is.”
“His future as a Jedi?”
The small green Jedi shook his head. “If returned to us Obi-Wan is, a Jedi he will be. Doubt his commitment we should not. But more pain, suffering and death down his Jedi path do I sense.”
“You believe it might be kinder not to let him back into the Order?” Mace asked, trying to hide the shock in his voice. “Weren’t you the one who orchestrated the Agricorps fiasco in the first place just so he and Qui-Gon could end up together?”
“Need Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon does.” Yoda nodded. “See it before the end he will.”
“And what does Obi-Wan need?” Mace asked.
“Resilience.”
– - - -
Mace sighed, thinking of the plan he and Yoda had come up with along with the rest of the Council. One that would force both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon to confront their deepest fears and insecurities. But it would require a ruse that Mace didn’t enjoy. It would require the Council to pretend that they were considering expelling Obi-Wan from the Order, when in reality they had no intention of doing so.
Qui-Gon would hopefully discover his ability to trust again. He would have to learn to listen, really listen to another person’s point of view and to finally let someone in again.
Obi-Wan on the other hand would discover whether or not he could handle the tenants of the Jedi Code in the face of a deep personal loss. They would also see if he could learn to curb the recklessness that caused him to see that the only course of action to save the people of Melida/Daan was for him to rush in on his own to save the day.
But the plan was also testing Mace’s resolve, forcing him to remain firm in reprimanding Kenobi after he risked his life to save the younglings in the turbolift. It had been admirable and selfless, but once again reckless on the boy’s part.
A Jedi must always be mindful of multiple solutions and outcomes, sacrificing oneself even for the good of many should be a last resort. It worried Mace that a boy so young seemed to struggle with this concept.
As if his thoughts manifested him, Mace spotted young Obi-Wan sitting at the end of the hallway, eating. Well, sitting was not the proper word for it, the boy was squatting as if he were a Nexu ready to pounce.
Actually, comparing him to a Nexu was probably very apt as Mace continued to study the young Padawan. The boy’s back was tense, arced in a way that indicated he was on high alert, his eyes darted to and fro, obviously scanning for movement - but more than that there was a dangerous feeling to him through the Force. He gave off the aura of someone ready to fight should the need arise.
No, this wasn’t a Nexu, this was a soldier prepared for an ambush.
Mace inhaled sharply as the shatterpoint hit him, a vague image of a much older man dressed in white armor leading a battalion into battle flashed before his eyes before it morphed back into the image of the skinny boy at the end of the hall.
He slowly and loudly approached the child, making sure to send feelings of calm and serenity through the Force. To his credit Obi-Wan glanced up at him and immediately changed his posture to that of a humble Jedi, bowing in respect to a member of the High Council.
Mace knelt down in front of the boy and clasped his hands together as they rested on his knees. He studied the young Padawan for a moment before speaking, taking a really good look at the hollow look in his eyes and the hair that had started to grow out of the standard Padawan cut. He then realized just how thin the boy looked, he wondered how many days Obi-Wan had gone without food on Melida/Daan.
“Why aren’t you eating with the other Padawans?” Mace asked.
He tried to ignore the flinch in the child’s eyes at the mention of the word “Padawan” as Obi-Wan drifted his gaze to the floor.
“It’s too loud…”
Mace nodded in understanding. He had been on a battlefield once during his own Padawanship. He remembered it took him some time to reacclimate to temple life.
“So why not eat in your room?” He asked, hoping he sounded more concerned than accusatory.
By the slump in Obi-Wan’s shoulders he guessed that he had failed in not sounding accusatory, or it could be that no matter how he said it in his grief Obi-Wan would take it the wrong way.
“I didn’t like being boxed in.” The boy admitted. “Bed is too soft.”
He hoped Qui-Gon would get his head out of his ass sooner rather than later so they could get this boy to a mind healer and treated for PTSD.
The Jedi Master let out an audible groan as he positioned himself against the wall next to Obi-Wan. He could sense the boy was nervous, probably expecting another lecture from a Council Member, Mace decided to try a different route this time. He would take a page out of Yoda’s book.
“How do you feel?”
Obi-Wan’s head snapped up in his direction, the look of confusion plastered across his face. “I…I don’t understand, Master.”
“You don’t understand how you feel?” Mace raised a curious eyebrow.
“No, I mean…” Obi-Wan stammered. “I don’t understand what you want me to say?”
“The truth,”
Obi-Wan turned away, but Mace had already glimpsed the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “I can’t tell you that, Master.”
“And why is that, do you think?” Mace asked, resting the back of his head on the wall.
“Because, it’s not very Jedi-like.” The boy admitted with a discrete sniffle.
“Ah,” Mace said, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Well, for what it’s worth ever since the turbolift incident this afternoon I’ve been having a lot of un Jedi-like thoughts myself.”
Another small sniffle. “I’m sorry,”
“Do you know what exactly you’re apologizing for?” Mace asked.
“For not being a better Padawan, for not being a better Jedi.” Obi-Wan said, his voice breaking.
Mace took a deep breath, he had never been very strong in the face of a crying child. Force help him to not cave now.
“Obi-Wan, you saw people in need and you helped them with no regard to yourself.” Mace said, carefully. “Because of your selflessness the Republic now has the ability to bring aid to Melida/Daan - something no one has been able to accomplish in over a century.”
“Master Qui…Master Jinn did that.” Obi-Wan shrugged.
“Except you’re the reason Master Jinn went back to finish what Master Tahl had started.” Mace explained. “Because of you, peace has finally been won for the people there.”
Obi-Wan looked at him from over his shoulder. “I’m sensing a ‘but’...”
“But…” Mace nodded in agreement. “While the final outcome reached was a peaceful resolution, it so easily could’ve gone the other way. As Jedi it is our duty to be mindful of not allowing our personal feelings cloud our judgment.”
The boy sat up straight, and opened his mouth as if to argue then thought better of it. ‘Good,’ Mace thought, he is learning to be less impulsive.
“I’m not sure what else I could’ve done, Master.” Obi-Wan finally said after centering himself. “People were dying, children were dying.”
“And what would one lone, unarmed Jedi Padawan do in the grand scheme of the situation, Obi-Wan?” Mace asked. “Other than becoming a target, a liability to those around him?”
He hated being so blunt, hated the look on Obi-Wan’s face as if he had been struck, but it was a necessary lesson for the boy to learn.
“I thought as Jedi we were supposed to help people, to have compassion for all living things!” Obi-Wan nearly shouted and immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry Master, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, it's just…”
“No, I understand, Obi-Wan.” Mace raised his hand to stop the Padawan from continuing. “And you are not the first, nor last Jedi to ask these questions.”
Obi-Wan’s eyes dropped to the ground again as he wrapped his arms around his knees. “I just couldn’t leave them to suffer.”
“I know,” Mace admitted. “You have the heart of a Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
The boy looked up at him with hope in his eyes, a hope that Mace could tell was so very fragile. He took another deep breath, hoping he wouldn’t shatter it completely.
“But it takes more than heart to be a Jedi.” Mace continued. “You must find the balance between heart and mind, you must learn to see the bigger picture.”
“I don’t…”
“You spent four weeks at war, seeing and doing things no one your age should.” Mace said, his voice soft. “And for what? At the end of it all you were right back where you would’ve been had you just returned with Qui-Gon in the first place and petitioned the Council to intervene on behalf of the Young.”
The moment the realization hit the Padawan Mace could feel it through the Force. The boy closed his eyes in sorrow and regret.
“I didn’t think…I only saw their suffering, felt their pain…I wanted to help.” He admitted.
“Just like you did in the mines on Bandomeer, and like you did today with the turbolift.” Mace said, carefully. “The best course of action is rarely the first course we think of, but as Jedi we must understand there are consequences to everything we do.”
Obi-Wan nodded. “I think I understand.”
“Good,”
They sat for a moment in silence, Mace knew he really should get back to his investigation, but the Force was insisting he hold back.
“Master Windu,” Obi-Wan said, his voice quiet again. “I really am sorry.”
“I know, Obi-Wan.” Mace said, his voice also soft. “And for the record, I’m sorry we didn’t come for you sooner. You should never have been placed in that predicament. There is a reason we are warned to be careful with our personal feelings, sometimes our attachments blind us.”
“It’s not his fault,”
Mace bit his tongue, he had a lot of words for his old friend, but it would be unprofessional to say them out loud to the Padawan he had abandoned.
“I made the choice.”
The Korun Jedi nodded and reached out to grip the young teen’s shoulder. “Yes, you did. And it is a choice you will have to come to terms with on your own. But, you should never have been given that choice, and I’m so sorry that you were, Obi-Wan.”
“It doesn’t matter, I failed him.” Obi-Wan’s voice was barely audible. “Even if the Council let’s me come back, he won’t.”
Mace wanted to offer the boy comfort, to tell him that the Council were ready to welcome him back with open arms, but he didn’t have the authority to do it on his own. And as far as Qui-Gon’s decision to take the boy back on as an Apprentice, that remained to be seen. His friend was stubborn and struggled with his own attachments.
“If the opportunity to be a Jedi again comes to you, will you accept it?” Mace asked. “It is a commitment not easily broken, as you have recently learned.”
Obi-Wan nodded and Mace could see the fierce determination in his eyes. “I am a Jedi, Master Windu. I have never been so sure of anything.”
Mace smiled, he was able to sense the sincerity in Obi-Wan’s voice.
“I had been swept away by a cause. A just cause, a good cause, it was true. But there are other just causes in the galaxy, and I want to fight for those, too.” Obi-Wan continued. “I am a Jedi, even if the Council or Master Qui-Gon doesn’t see it. Even if I am not welcomed back I will still follow the will of the Force, I will still serve the people of the galaxy because I am a Jedi.”
Mace could sense the Force gathering around Obi-Wan indicating to the Council Member that this was a pivotal moment for not just Obi-Wan, but the history of the Jedi Order. This was a defining moment.
He squeezed the Padawan’s shoulder, silently promising to finish the boy’s training should Qui-Gon refuse.
“I believe you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.” Mace replied.
He rose to his feet, offering a hand to the young Padawan.
“You are and always will be, a Jedi.”
***********************
The End!