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It was over. The mission was done. Face was smiling. Hannibal was smiling. BA… well, BA was buffing the scratches out of his van but that basically counted. Everything was normal. Life was good again.
Except it didn’t feel normal. Or good. Especially not good.
Murdock could leave, if he wanted. He stood in the kitchen on his own knowing he could leave but not really able to. His feet felt like they were stuck to the linoleum. He could stay, if he wanted. He knew he could stay just as easily as he could leave. Only he couldn’t leave any more than he could stay. He was stuck, standing in the kitchen.
His throat felt tight and his heart had hardened into a heavy knot that seemed to be trying to sink thorough his chest. He wanted to scream but the tightness in his throat wouldn’t let him.
There had been that fight in the garden. That was supposed to be the end. Everything was out and over and fine and that was the end, and now the relief and the normal and the good was supposed to come. But it didn’t.
He could hear every word. Every sharp note of hurt. See Face’s expression. Everything. Even when Face had shoved him over. Then the guilt. The horrible, terrible, no good guilt. Not his. Face’s.
Murdock had done that. He knew because he told himself every two and a half seconds. You did this. You stabbed Face in the back and then made him feel guilty about it. You made him apologise for the knife hurting as it went in. You did that. You put that expression on his face.
Then Face walked in, switching on the light, and frowned. “I thought you’d gone home. You ok?”
No, Murdock was not ok. Nothing was ok. This was not ok. It may never be ok again. “Yeah, sure. Just debating if I’m hungry.”
Face smiled, “you’re always hungry.” He turned to the fridge and opened it. “What do you feel like?”
Shit. Murdock thought. I feel like damp shit. Lower than a worm. Less than a twenty year old smear of gum on a sidewalk. “Cheese sandwich?”
“Sure.” Face got together the cheese and the butter and the pickles and carried it to the counter.
This was all wrong. Murdock was the lowest form of life on Earth. He should be on his knees, begging and grovelling. He should be prostrating himself at Face’s feet. Instead, Face was making him a sandwich.
“Why were you standing in the dark, anyway?” Face asked as he cut four slices of bread.
Because I didn’t deserve to have the light on. Because the weight of my guilt was crushing me slowly to the floor. Because I was scared to move in case someone noticed me and realised what a disgusting lump of garbage I was. “Didn't notice it getting dark, I guess.”
Face chuckled and buttered the bread. “Deep thoughts, huh?”
Was Face alright? Surely he couldn’t have forgiven him. Not for this. Not ever. Was this a front? Was Murdock now seeing the same front as everyone else? His heart clenched into ice. Nothing but that. He could lose anyone, anything, everything but Face. The real Face. His best friend. His brother.
The man he wounded in the worst possible way.
It was pretty impressive, though. The most spectacular betrayal in human history. Murdock could really not have picked a more perfect way to hurt Face the most. His gut twisted. His feet still refused to move.
He wanted to cry. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve to feel sorry for himself. Didn’t deserve Face to feel sorry for him. Didn’t deserve Face.
He could hear every word. Every word like a punch in the face, but he’d have begged for more. Begged to be punched for real. Anything but the terrible weight in his chest. Anything but for Face to hate him. He deserved Face hating him.
Face looked over his shoulder with a frown, “You sure you’re ok? You’re real quiet.”
Murdock had to try to talk past the knot in his throat. His voice stuck.
This had to be it. There had to be no more lies. No more fronts. If he didn’t do this now, open his chest, let the dreadful weight come out, then there’d be no way back. He would sink, and Face would disappear forever.
He deserved that, Face didn’t.
“Hey, buddy? You with me?” Face approached him, looking concerned. Real concern.
That was it. Murdock couldn’t bear that for a second longer. Not after what he’d done.
“I’m sorry!” Murdock exclaimed, swallowing thickly, “I’m so fucking sorry, I… I don’t know...” He blinked back tears and swallowed again. “I didn’t know what to do.”
Face looked surprised, “What? What are you-”
“With AJ, and the fucking-” Murdock dropped his gaze. He didn’t deserve to meet Face’s eyes. He deserved nothing. He was a worm. A cockroach. A stain. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn't tell you. I should’ve. It should’ve been your decision and I fucked up. I fucked up real bad and there’s- there’s nothing I can ever do to make it right. He asked me and- and I thought- I really thought I was doing what was best. I never wanted to hurt you, I swear to god, if I’d have thought...”
“Hey, c’mon, it’s over,” Face said, “you don’t have to-”
“Over!” Murdock barked a bitter laugh, “over for me, huh? No, no, no,” He almost looked up but didn't quite have the courage, “I don’t get off that easy. Not after what I did. Never that.”
“Jesus,” Face breathed, “Don’t say that.”
“Look, I-” Murdock swiped his eyes with the back of his hand, “You should be able to trust me and- and I- fucking hell.” He took a deep, shaking breath and continued, “I really thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I know.” Face said softly. “I’m sorry I-”
“No!” Murdock looked up, then, vision fuzzy with tears, “For fuck’s sake, you don’t be sorry, I’m the one who should be sorry. You…” He couldn’t finish. He couldn’t look at the pity in Face’s eyes. He wanted to collapse into a hole, to finish existing. He wanted to be over.
Face swallowed, glancing away, then looked back and Murdock with a sad smile. “I thought it over. Once I calmed down a bit.” He hesitated, “you know, went into a dark room and...” He tried to smile, “I think you were right. You did do the right thing.”
“No-”
“Listen,” Face said, “I was angry. I- I am angry, but-” He sighed, “Not at you.”
Murdock watched him, not understanding. How could he not be? How could anyone not be?
“Ok, so I’m a bit angry at you.” Face said with another tiny smile, “No more than usual, though.”
Murdock frowned. He knew that was a joke. What he didn’t understand was why Face was making a joke now, when he should be punching Murdock.
“That was a joke.” Face said.
“Yeah,” Murdock shook his head, “Yeah, I got it.”
Face rubbed his forehead and sighed, “He was never going to tell me. He didn't want to tell me. He told you because he thought he could get something out of it. He made you promise not to tell me because he didn’t want anything to do with me. He never did. That’s how I ended up in an orphanage in the first place.” He sighed. “We all had that dream, the one where it was all a big mistake and our parents were out there looking for us.” He shook his head, “I guess I didn't realise I was still holding on to it.”
“I still should’ve-”
“No. You followed your gut and you got it right.” Face sighed again, “I didn't need my- him to tell me he didn’t want me to my face. I should’ve known I could count on you, even if…” he smiled sadly and shrugged, “especially when it’s difficult to hear.” He shrugged again, “I have to just accept the fact that I- that he didn’t want me.”
The weight dissolved. The tension crumbled away. Murdock’s feet unglued themselves from the floor and he stepped forwards, dragging Face into a fierce hug.
“You’re the best friend I ever had,” Murdock said, “the best friend a guy could ask for.” He squeezed him and let him go, “I don’t wanna lose that. I don’t wanna lose you.”
“Are you kidding?” Face smiled, “You’re the only family I got. You think I’m going to toss that out for some asshole who never gave a shit about me until he thought it might save his ass?”
Murdock smiled back, bewildered, light headed, light hearted. Soaring upwards.
“Ok.” Murdock sniffed and nodded. “But if you wanna hit me then have at it.”
Face clipped him lightly around the side of the head, then smiled. “You still want that sandwich?”
Murdock, realising he was actually hungry, nodded. “I’ll make it,” He said.
Face shook his head, “Nah, you butter the bread on the wrong side.”
Murdock smiled. Maybe things would be ok after all.