Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nagito stood in front of his school, longer hair tied back in a ponytail, trying to accept that he still deserved to go anywhere like this place. He knew it was normal, but the people he went to class with were so... extraordinary that he didn't feel as if he belonged. Beside, he knew no one else worried about stupid things like growing out their hair. He wanted to have as much of it as he could before it all fell out from the treatments, but at the same time, the dysphoria from seeing his hair long again made him anxious. Why was he worrying about this again? Was it to distract himself from the pills weighing down the bag he had slung over his shoulder? The fact that he was exhausted from the treatments he had to suffer through biweekly and how he felt he was constantly sick. He shivered under his bulky hoodie. A hand landed on his shoulder and he jumped a little. Kazuichi laughed. 
"You startle so easily man. Calm down!" Kaz smiled, showing off his sharpened teeth. 
"Heh heh, yeah," Nagito chuckled, walking into the school with his friend. 
"Sooooooooooo," Kaz taunted, obviously wanting to say something. 
"Spill it," Nagito groaned, waiting for whatever his friend wanted to bug him with this time.
"You gonna ask Hajime out any time soon?" Kaz grinned. 
"You ask Gundham out and we can talk," 
"Unfair bro!"
"I only speak the truth," Nagito flashed Kazuichi a mimicry of his earlier grin. He heard a cackle as a shorter boy run past in pure white, tailed closely by a taller boy in a baseball cap. "Don't die you two!" he hollered after them. 
"Ha! If we're dying it's at my hands!" the shorter boy, Kokichi, yelled. 
"I don't wanna die yet Kokichi!" the taller boy, Shuichi, yelled after him. 
"You think they'll make it out of it alive?" Kaz asked as the two younger boys ran around the corner. 
"Yeah, they do this every morning," Nagito reminded Kazuichi. "They're still around,"
"Oh! I've had an ep- epif- epipan- epith-"
"Take your time," 
"Fuck it. An idea. How about we both ask out our crushes at the same time and place!" Kazuichi finally got out. 
"Are you crazy!?" Nagito yelped.
"Maybe!" Kaz grinned. "But you can't deny that it's a decent idea," 
"Ugh finnnnne, if we don't ask either of them out before next Friday, we both have to ask them to the playground,"
"What are you, a child?"
"Kaz, I probably have 7 years to live, it makes sense,"
"You can't pull the 'I'm dying' excuse on this!" Kaz protested.
"Too late," Nagito smirked.

Kazuichi grumbled under his breath. And then pushed open their class door, listening to the chaos that erupted from the other side. Nagito slammed his hands over his ears, fumbling through his bag to pull out his earplugs to quell the noise. He stuffed them in his ears and relaxed when the sound quieted down. Nekomaru and Akane were doing their usual "sparring session" in the morning, Ibuki yelling poor Hajime's ear off, but Hajime seemed to be on board with it this time. Nagito stepped over Mikan's leg (she'd managed to trip again) and around Hiyoko's laughter before sitting in his seat next to Hajime. Suddenly, he felt hands in his hair and jumped a little (again, jeez, he's jumpy today). He glanced up to see Ibuki.
"Can Ibuki braid your hair before class starts Nagito??" She beamed. Nagito smiled back up at her. 
"Sure thing Buki," they'd both coincidentally come out as trans to each other when Nagito walked into the women's room out of habit and Ibuki was the only one there. He'd muttered something about habits and she'd caught on immediately, coming out too so he'd feel better. They'd bonded over that. Not that Nagito walked to class with her. She was too loud and he preferred not to wear his earplugs in hallways so he didn't run into anyone (a/n done this before, not fun). Ibuki quickly got to work, her hands deftly sweeping through strands of his fluffy hair. He relaxed even more, happy he had friends unlike years before. 

Hajime (or was it Izuru? He was pretty sure he was Hajime but wasn't sure at this point, things were blurry) nervously listened to Ibuki ramble on, trying his best to look interested. Nagito and Kazuchi walked into the room, and Hajime? watched from the corner of his eye as he stuffed earplugs into his ears. Finally, after Nagito sat down, Ibuki ran over to him and Izuru????? could take a breath. He settled a little before starting to stress over what he'd had for dinner last night. He couldn't remember, crap crap crap. 

Suddenly class was in session and it looked like it had started awhile ago. Had he switched? Or had he dissociated. He couldn't figure it out. He glanced at the board. And then to the notebook on his desk. He knew he was Hajime this time at least. Looks like whoever had been front had taken notes, so he assumed that Izuru had fronted earlier, calming him a little. Which a month ago would've caused him to lose his shit and run out of class. At least he was getting used to it now. Maybe not... now. He was getting used to it again. If he was being honest, he'd been used to it when he was younger. In fact, it seemed more like he'd unknowingly adjusted to what the world considered normal. When he was very small, waking up in a random place without knowing what happened before, while chatting up the voice in his head, had been normal to him. Except everyone else freaked out when he mentioned that, so he covered it under layers and layers of 'normality'.

He wanted to accept that he was normal, that this was who he was. Except going up to his classmates and explaining that he was actually not one person in the regular sense... was stressful. Hell, it'd be weird if it wasn't stressful to tell people. Maybe they could start small. 
Please don't force yourself Hajime. This is your decision, they are your friends after all. Izuru drifted closer to front. 
They're your friends too you know. Hajime reminded... it. That fit more than he for some reason so Hajime didn't resist. 
Maybe, but they know you better than me. Izuru almost sounded... melancholic. 
"You're going to have to talk to them too," Hajime unknowingly said out loud, but at least it was quiet. Fuyuhiko, next to him, glanced over. He scribbled something on a piece of paper he ripped out of his notebook and it landed on Hajime's desk. 
"What're you whispering about?" the note read. Hajime scribbled below it. 
"Nothing, just math," he almost handed it over before making a decision. Quickly, under that he wrote. "Can you meet me at the big tree in the courtyard at lunch?" before handing it back to his seat neighbour. Fuyuhiko read it then sent him a thumbs up before turning back to the board. 
You're going to help. Hajime said to Izuru simply, before deciding he should also focus on his math work. He didn't get a response. 

Before he could reach the door to leave for lunch, Yukizome sensei stood in front of him in the doorway. He awkwardly stopped and started fidgeting with his bag straps. 
"I heard about your, ah, situation," she started. Of course, it was only a matter of time before his teachers were informed. "Let me know if either of you need help," she smiled sweetly. It made something in him happy, that she recognized them as multiple people. He bowed quickly. 
"Thank you Yukizome sensei," 
"I've told everyone in this class. Call me Chisa," she smiled again. Hajime stuttered out a response before nodding. He ran out of the door, headed for the courtyard. 
Calm down, Fuyuhiko won't be upset if you're late. Izuru finally spoke up. 
I see, so you were paying attention! Hajime grinned a little. 
Yes, of course. I merely did not see the need to reply. 
Uh huh, tell yourself that. 

Fuyuhiko sat under the biggest tree in the courtyard. He was talking to Peko. Hajime tensed up, but Izuru decided to keep their legs moving. 
Jerk. But it was right, telling two people at once couldn't hurt. The duo looked up when they saw them approaching. Who was in front was getting blurry again. They were both stressed. 
"Hey Hajime! What'd you wanna tell me?" Fuyuhiko said when they were close enough. "You need Peko to leave?"
"Uh, no, Peko can stay," came out of their mouth. "W- I actually need to tell you both something," 
"So, what is it?" Peko said as they sat down next to Peko and Fuyuhiko. Finally sorting themselves out, Hajime came full front again. 
"Okay, please don't freak out," he squeezed his eyes shut. "But uh, I'm actually not just one person. I- We have DID, which makes us a system. Sooooooo sometimes you won't be talking to Hajime," he blurted. "Okay, Izuru's going to take front, please be nice to it," 
"Uhhhhhhh," Fuyuhiko just looked stunned. Izuru slowly came to front. It wasn't completely used to Hajime letting it take front yet, usually it had to take front by force in the case of a panic attack. It looked down at their hands. And clenched them into fists to make sure it had complete front. It looked over to Hajime's >OUR!< classmates. 
"Uh, h-hi," it usually didn't get nervous, but it was the first time it could be recognized as itself out of therapy. It bore its eyes into the duo, which made them seemingly uncomfortable. "I am Kamakura Izuru. I'm not particularly used to this, as usually when I front people think I'm Hajime. I use it/its pronouns," the body seemingly tapped into Hajime's nervous habits (they're yours too, you know this) and it rubbed the back of their neck. 
"Nice to meet you properly Izuru," Pekoyama spoke up first. Izuru silently wished that they'd grown their hair out so it could hide behind the curtain of it like it did in the headspace. 
"Y-yeah! Very great to meet you. No judgement from here!" Kuzuryu finally spoke up. 
Can we grow our hair out please. Izuru silently begged Hajime. 
Yeah, sure, but not too long. Hajime assured. He seemed tired. Izuru carded its hands through their (painfully) short hair. 
"Thank you," was all it managed to get out. It never did like meeting new people. Hajime was better at that, though not by much with his somewhat foul attitude at times. 

"So, seeing as you're a different person than Hajime, what do you like to do in your free time?" Kuzuryu started a conversation. 
"I, uh, haven't had a lot of time to think about that. I've only really been able to differentiate myself from Hajime for about 2 and a half months," Izuru explained nervously. 
"If we tell Ibuki she'll find something for you to do immediately," Pekoyama suggested.
"How about you confess your love to Ibuki before you suggest it start hanging out with her," Kuzuryu teased. Pekoyama turned red. 
"I do not have a crush on Mioda-san! She is merely... intriguing," she settled on. 
"Uh huh, sure thing you lying lesbian," Kuzuryu teased. 
"Hey, Izuru, do you know if Hajime has a crush on Nagito?" she redirected the conversation. 
"Yes," Izuru replied with utmost certainty. 
WHAT?! No I don't. Hajime deflected. 
"Also, he's listening," 
HEY!
"Oh, is he now? Well then, you should ask the lanky twink out then!" Kuzuryu announced. Hajime forced himself to front and tackled Fuyuhiko, startling the fuck out of both him and Izuru. "I'm going to take a guess that this is Hajime?" Fuyuhiko choked out from underneath Hajime.  
"Take a guess," Hajime said cooly, without moving. 
"Y'all weigh like 50 pounds more than me, please get off!" Fuyuhiko struggled. Hajime obeyed. 
"Also, yes, I am Hajime. Izuru is upset, and denying it, that I came to front so quickly," 
"Uh huh, it has a right to be. The first thing you did was tackle me," Fuyuhiko huffed. "I could stab you in the leg y'know,"
"Sure thing Baby Gangsta," Hajime grinned. The bell rang. "Ah well, guess that's our cue to head back to class," 
"Beat you there!" Fuyuhiko announced and ran towards the building. 

Nagito fiddled with his pencil while listening to the history teacher drone on. He kept glancing over to Hajime, who was very fixated on taking notes, which wasn't weird in other classes, but usually he didn't for history. Maybe he just felt like it today. At least he wasn't noticing Nagito gazing at him out of the corner of his eye. Nagito really needed to deal with this big gay crush of his before next Friday, because he really didn't want to confess in the park. Finally, he made up his mind. He scribbled on a piece of paper.
"Meet me after school at the fountain down the road-Nagito" he wrote quickly. He saw Kazuichi throw a paper airplane onto Gundham's desk. Nagito dropped the note onto Hajime's desk and stared at the teacher. 

What felt like an eternity later, he stood next to the fountain and waited for Hajime. He'd tied his hoodie around his waist in the summer heat and took his meds while he waited, despising the clattering sound his bag made as he dug through it. Kaz eventually walked up and sat on the bench next to him. 
"Whatcha doin?" Kaz asked idly. 
"Waiting for Hajime,"
"Huh, I'm also waiting for Gundham," Kaz grinned. "Looks like we're gonna confess at the same time anyway!"
"Yeah yeah, tell yourself that Kaz," Nagito grumbled. They looked up when they heard footsteps walking towards them. Nagito's heart rate went up when he saw Hajime, who was muttering under his breath. Kaz squealed from behind him and Nagito took his gaze off Hajime to see Gundham. "God, you're so gay," he teased.
"Takes one to know one," Kazuichi replied. Nagito didn't reply. And then it started raining lightly. He felt Ibuki's braiding work start to droop. "Nagitoooooooo!"
"I can't control the weather Kazuichi!" Nagito whipped his head around.
"Maybe not you, but your luck sure can!" Kazuichi started waving his hands in Nagito's face.
"You're making that up!"  Nagito started smacking his hands away. Eventually they were having a slapping fight. Which was kinda sad. Now they were wet and looked stupid. Kazuichi seemed to have a stroke of genius and stole Nagito's hoodie to protect himself from the rain. "You have a HAT!" Nagito grabbed at the hoodie. 
"Am I interrupting something?" they heard Hajime say. Both heads whipped towards the voice. Gundham chuckled in the background, holding an umbrella. Kazuichi threw Nagito's hoodie on top of him, now soaking wet, causing Nagito to veer sideways. 
"No, you aren't interrupting anything!" Kaz said innocently. 
"Thief," Nagito hissed while he stuck his arms in his sleeves and flipped his hood up. 
"You, uh, wanted to see me Nagito?" Hajime asked. Kaz leaned over.
"Gay," he whispered into Nagito's ear. Nagito resisted the urge to uppercut him. He stood up, brushing himself off. Then he realized his med bag was still open. 
"Kaz you got my meds wet! I need to get new ones now," Nagito glared at his friend. 
"Heh heh, whoops," Kazuichi mumbled. "Hey, Tanaka! Can I talk to you?" Kazuichi shuffled to underneath Gundham's umbrella. 
"I suppose..." Gundham replied.
"So uh, Hajime! Wanna walk home together?" Nagito asked the brown hair boy, who currently looked like a drowned rat. 
"Sure, why the fuck not," replied the drowned rat. "Not like I can get any more soaked,"

The first couple minutes they walked in silence, Nagito clumsily protected as many of his meds from the rain as he could in that time. 
"You should put them in ziplocks if getting them wet is that big of a deal," Hajime finally said. 
"I don't even know what half of this shit is for anymore," Nagito grumbled, closing his messenger bag and deciding to forget about it for now. "Sooooooooo, I had something I wanted to ask you," 
"Sure, what is it?" Hajime said with heavily lidded eyes. Nagito had a very carefully planned idea of what to say. He'd spent hours practicing in the mirror and with Kaz (who just laughed at him). But that wasn't what he said. No, like an idiot, he went.
"You're hot," he immediately facepalmed. "And I'm an idiot,"
"Go on," Hajime chuckled. A voice that wasn't deep but wasn't light and turned Nagito to mush sometimes. 
"So, you're like, really, really pretty. And I am very, very gay," Every word Nagito facepalmed internally. "Will you go out with me Hajime?!" he finally yelled. 
"Yep,"
"YEP?! That's your response?!"
"Well, it's more along the lines of 'I'm glad I had to watch your awkward confession so you didn't have to watch mine', but yeah," 
"Oh my god,"
"Huh?"
"Oh my GOD we are literally the definition of the mutual pining trope," 
"Even if that assumption is accurate to make, it's still a bold one," 
"So now we're dating?!" Nagito was filled with a joy he hadn't felt in a long time. 
"I would say that's correct," Hajime replied. "Though uh, before we can go out, I need to tell you something. Can we go inside first? Your place is closer,"
"Sure! Anything for you Hajime," Nagito giggled a little. 

Nagito opened the door grandly, letting the both of them in. His mother sat at the kitchen table, and seemingly only saw his green hoodie. 
"Nagito, I'm sorry, I have bad news," he felt his heart dropped as a coughing fit bubbled up his throat. 

Chapter Text

Nagito submitted to the coughing fit, tears pricking his eyes, which he would explain as from the coughs, but in reality he wanted to sob. His mother continued as soon as he finished coughing.
"Y-your treatment isn't working this time. If it doesn't start working, you might not be able to go to school after this year,"
"I-I..." Nagito was at a loss for words. Tears streamed down his mother's cheek. "B-but, they said I w-was going into remission!" 
"You were. But something changed. Are you sure you've been taking all of your meds,"
"I'm sure," Nagito steeled over. "Uh, mom, Hajime came over, we're going up to my room. I'll grab towels," Nagito walked up the stairs with Hajime in tow. He pulled some towels out of the linen closet before going into his room and collapsing onto his bed, not caring about getting it soaked. "Sorry you had to see that,"
"Don't apologize. Do, you, uh, still wanna hear my thing?" Hajime said as he took the towel to his hair. 
"Uh, sure. Probably can't be worse than finding out you're dying sooner than you thought," Nagito's eyes welled with tears, and he threw his arm over his eyes to prevent Hajime from seeing. 
"This, ummm, isn't really all that easy to say," Hajime started. 
"You don't have to tell me if I don't need to know,"
"Uh, it'd be kinda awkward if we were dating and you didn't know," Hajime huffed awkwardly. "Doesn't make it any easier to say though," 
"Take your time,"
"So... uh. Pfffff," Hajime stumbled through words. "I am not... one person, if that makes sense. Oh who am I kidding, of course it doesn't. Uh well, basically, there are two people living inside my body at the same time. And only one of us can control it at once,"
"Like that second year? Toko or something?" Nagito finally sat up, sending water flying everywhere off his hair. 
"Uh, actually, exactly like that. Toko and Syo are a system, just like me and Izuru,"
"Izuru? Is that the other person... in your system?" Nagito seemed to want to understand, but was still confused. 
"Uh, yeah. The doctors said the word alters. Both Izuru and I are alters. We're two different people, we just happen to share a body. It's always been like this, but we've covered it up for a long time. It's called dissociative identity disorder. We, uh, got diagnosed about a month ago. That's uh, why we were out for a week a little while ago. It happens because of childhood trauma,"
"Um, okay. Is it rude to ask what the heck happened?"
"Would it be rude for me to ask about your scars?" Hajime snapped. "Besides, most of those memories belong to Izuru, and don't ask it, because that's really unfair to do," 
"Mmm hmm. Sorry," Nagito said sheepishly. "Can I... meet Izuru? Unless that's rude to ask, if so I'm sorry!" 
"Uh yeah, give it a minute though, it's kinda hard to switch, and doing it at will is even harder," Hajime subconsciously crossed crossed his eyes while he focused. "I dunno what happened, but it's not anywhere near the front right now. Izuru isn't exactly used to being out front so much, usually it just fronts when I'm freaking out, or I'm out of it. It's been out quite a lot today, so maybe a bit later?"
"Um, okay," Nagito chuckled under his breath. "Sorry, I was kinda using the conversation to distract myself from... other things," Hajime understood. 
We should've waited. A panicked voice raced through their head. Izuru seemed to have been actually paying attention, but hadn't wanted to front. 
"Yeah, far enough. You have a console and some games right? Maybe you can use that to distract you. 
Please don't ignore me. Izuru seemed seriously panicked. 
It was only Nagito.
I thought we would have more time. It was odd hearing so much emotion coming from Izuru, it chose not to make emotion apparent (well not chose) most of the time. Did it know something Hajime didn't? Whatever, he needed to focus on Nagito for now. 

He and Nagito faced off in Mario Kart for awhile, and Hajime was losing until Nagito fell into a coughing fit and dropped the controller in the process. Hajime paused the game quickly and threw his own controller down, concerned. Nagito's mom came to the door, poking her head in. Nagito stopped coughing and turned to her, tears in his eyes. 
"Go. Away," he gritted out. He didn't want to deal with her right now. 
"Nagito, please," she said. 
"Get OUT!" he yelled. It was just too much. Hajime looked down at his hands.
"Maybe... I should go," Hajime said finally. Nagito suddenly felt guilty for actually agreeing with him. He just needed to be alone right now. 
"Yeah... sorry," 

After Hajime left, Nagito collapsed onto his bed and passed out almost immediately. 

About three hours later, he heard a knock on his door, and looked over to see his father in the doorway. The man smiled lightly. 
"Hey kiddo, it's dinner time. I hope you took off your binder before you took a nap," Nagito moved to a seated position. He nodded slightly before yawning and stretching. He got up and followed his dad downstairs. He sat limply at the table, quickly muttering an "itadakimasu" before picking up his chopsticks to eat. He tried his best to eat his parent's cooking, but ending up getting nauseous after a couple bites. Regardless, he kept eating, he'd feel awful if he didn't finish his food. 
"You grandmother is coming in a week or so," his mother said.  Nagito's hand shook as he forced another mouthful down. 
"Okay," he said. 
"I feel horrible for saying this, but you know how she feels... about you," Dad said. 
"..." he really didn't have to energy to go back in the closet, be misgendered and deadnamed, but it would do none of them good if his father's mother disowned the three of them. Their house was relying pretty heavily on her finances. They were working on paying her back, but between that and his treatments, it wasn't going very well. He sighed. "Yes,"
"I'm sorry sweety, it was just so unexpected. Dad mentioned that you weren't in remission anymore... and one thing led to another," his mother said softly. Nagito wanted to scream and cry. Softly, he set his chopsticks down.
"I'm not hungry, I'm going back to bed," he said simply before excusing himself. He took a quick stop by the washroom to... get rid of what he had been able to eat.

Hajime felt horrible. He was feeling great earlier too. Nagito and him were dating now, but Nagito had a pretty high chance of not being able to go to college because of his cancer. And he'd awkwardly explained their... situation. And Izuru was super panicked for some reason, even though Hajime thought it had went fairly well. But Nagito seriously wasn't doing well and... Hajime felt like he couldn't stay there in good conscience. He lightly opened the door to his house, kicked his shoes off and walked into the living room. His mother smiled up at him.
"Hey... Hajime?"
"Yeah, it's Hajime," he knew she was trying, really hard. But it didn't hurt less when she couldn't tell who was fronting. "Hi mom. I, uh, Nagito asked me out and we're dating now," 
"That's great!" she stood up and pulled him into a hug. "Did you... tell him?"
"Yeah, I did. And Fuyuhiko and Peko at lunch," 
"I'm really proud of you. Anyways, I need to work on dinner, so you go do whatever you need to and I'll see you in a bit,"
"Sure thing mom,"