Work Text:
The break has given many of them time to come up with new ideas and strategies, including quite a few silly ones that were immediately discarded.
-Excerpt from The Professors Game
50 Different Ways For Us to Uncover the Class and Catch Ms. Johnson in the Act
By: The Hogwarts Professors
1. Wait until we are certain there is a lesson in session and use a tracking charm to find the Classroom they’re using. [Already been attempted].
2. Steal Mrs. Norris from Flich, feed her a complacency potion, and have her sniff them out. [Filch would notice that Mrs. Norris is missing and throw a fit, so there wouldn’t be enough time to actually sniff out the Class].
3. Search every empty Classroom in the castle until we find the one they’re practising in. [Already been attempted].
4. Bribe Ms. Granger with extra lessons to reveal where and when they practise. [She would never give them up, probing questions reveal suspicion of the teachers motives].
5. Plant something golden on Ms. Granger or Ms. Johnson, then borrow (steal) one of Hagrid’s nifflers to let it find them. [It would tear apart the castle as a whole rather than home in on the Class, they would be tipped off before the niffler could find them].
6. Veritaserum. [Unethical and illegal].
7. Have one of us disguise ourselves as a student in order to gain their trust and infiltrate the Class. [Too long term, that would require a commitment none of us could make].
8. Plant treacle tart in the hallway that’s laced with a tracking potion. [Unlikely that any of them would fall for it, and we wouldn’t know if the person to eat them is actually apart of the Class].
9. Use a blasting charm on every wall in the castle that they might be behind. [Too messy, and they would catch on too quickly, allowing them to escape].
10. Force Ms. Granger's pet kneazle, Crookshanks, to find them. [The kneazle is too stubborn, it would never cooperate].
11. All of us hide around the castle and draw them out with either the smell of food, or muggle music, watching carefully to see which room they emerge from, and who is present at the meetings. [Ms. Granger and whatever Ravenclaws and Slytherins may be present are too intelligent to fall for it].
12. Tell Dolores and have her little Inquisitorial Squad sniff them out. [She would just get them expelled, Bethesda. No, we don’t want that!].
13. Recruit the Weasley twins and Jordan to find them and flush them out with their pranks. [There are so many things wrong with that idea, not to mention the fact that they might ask too many questions, or already be in the group].
14. Throw a party with a large amount of firewhiskey and question Ms. Johnson about the Class while she is inebriated. [We can’t give alcohol to minors, Pomona, and I’m surprised it’s you who suggested it].
15. Have Poppy ask them while they are still partly unconscious the next time one of them ends up in the hospital wing. [We will not take advantage of our students' unconscious state].
16. Bribe Ms. Johnson with contacts in the Ancient Rune community. [She doesn’t need them, given she is one of the most naturally talented students in Rune work that I have ever had the pleasure of teaching].
17. Ambush them on the way to their Class. [We don’t know exactly when it starts or what path they take, there’s not enough information to go on for it to be a viable solution].
18. Use the Muggle technology known as ‘bugs’ to track them through the castle to their training place. [Not only do we have no idea how to use them, but they wouldn’t work in the castle with the magic concentration and some of the muggleborn and muggle-raised like Ms. Granger might be able to get rid of them, Charity].
19. Send a mail owl after them during their Class time, letting the magic of the post owl guide them and lead us to where they practice. [Letting an owl loose in the castle is not a good idea, Filius, do you remember the incident in ‘76?].
20. Offer Ms. Johnson the use of one of our Classrooms, and after a few lessons and having gained trust, ask where they used to be held. [Too blunt, she would probably not take us up on it].
21. Owl some parents asking if they know anything about the Class. [What makes you think the parents know anything more than we do? Besides, some of them might relay our suspicions to their kids, ruining the ‘secret’ part of the secret plan].
22. Call Mr. Bruce Wayne to find them. I’ve heard from some of the muggleborn and muggle-raised students that he is the world's greatest detective, so he may be able to help us. [For Merlin’s sake, Aurora, Bruce Wayne is a fictional character!].
23. Ask Ms. Lovegood if any of the nargles or wrackspurts have seen anything that might lead us to the Class. [Contrary to popular opinion, Ms. Lovegood is not stupid, and not only do I doubt that she would give a straight answer, but she may be part of the Class herself, and that would tip them off].
24. Dose each other with Veritaserum to see if any of us has secretly been helping the Class and trying to distract the others. [You really need to stop reading those mystery and conspiracy novels, Bethesda, they are starting to influence you too much].
25. Have Filch keep an eye on them and report back to us where they frequent. [He’s too conspicuous, and would most likely just report them to Umbridge].
26. Place a tracking charm on a quill, and then plant the quill on either Ms. Johnson or Ms. Granger. [If a mail owl wouldn’t be able to track them, what makes you think a tracking charm would?].
27. Get one of those recently discovered Discontentment Delphiniums, as they are proven to significantly lower one's awareness, and use it to trick them into revealing their secrets! [Great Merlin, Pomona, of course not! The effects are still largely untested, and everyone is aware you just wish to have your own].
28. Buy one of those Muggle lie detectors and use it on Ms. Johnson under the guise of testing it in class, and when she least expects it, question her about the Class, with the detector making her lies clear. [It’s a Muggle device, Charity, it wouldn’t function in the castle].
29. Blackmail. [I should not have to tell you that that is illegal AND immoral as well, Septima. Honestly, I thought better of you!]
30. Chase Johnson through the castle on a broom until she gives in and reveals everything. [I know it’s you, Rolanda, you aren’t very subtle].
31. Minerva is a Legilimens, isn’t she? [We DEFINITELY aren’t going there, so don’t even continue with that line of thought].
32. Distract them by playing the Weird Sisters very loudly throughout the castle as they are making their way to the Class, and use their confusion and discombobulation to follow them. [Unless you are able to construct a spell that plays it at that volume for a long enough time before school gets out for the year, it seems unfeasible].
33. Plant food in the hallway, but put a sleeping potion inside instead. Once those who have consumed it are unconscious, steal a few of their hairs and use Polyjuice potion to infiltrate the Class. [This one isn’t technically illegal, but it is highly immoral].
34. One word: pineapples. [Give it a rest, Filius!].
35. Muggle tasers. [In case you hadn’t noticed, that is torture, which is both illegal, immoral, and WRONG! Have you lost your mind?]
36. Drones! [I’m not going to answer you all anymore until you figure out how to think of reasonable ideas].
37. Do you think the centaurs would help us? Maybe threaten them a little? It’s not illegal if someone else does it, correct? [1, they would never agree to help us. 2, YES IT’S STILL ILLEGAL!]
38. Relentless tickling charms until they reveal the information. [You need to see a mind healer, Septima, these are our students!]
39. Slip firewhiskey into their drinks, then corner them somewhere in the castle and take advantage of their lowered inhibitions to ask them. [Where would we get that much firewhiskey, who would we give it to, and what makes you think (again) that giving minors alcohol is in any way a good idea?]
40. Hold Ms. Granger’s pet kneazle, Crookshanks, hostage until they tell us. [I shouldn’t have to tell you that is wrong].
41. Pass out fake surveys that require them to share which clubs they participate and when so that we can track who is a part of the Class. [I honestly don’t see how that would help us catch them].
42. Develop a charm that lets us eavesdrop into their dorms as they sleep so we can hear if they talk about the Class in their sleep. [If you can’t see how wrong that is, I’m going to ask Albus to fire you, I swear to Gryffindor! Have you all actually gone mad?].
43. HOUSE ELVES!! [Almighty Morgana, Pomona, get some sleep, for Merlin’s sake!].
44. Ask the Bloody Baron to intimidate them into telling us everything. [Don’t be ridiculous, he would never agree to that].
45. Release a hoard of pixies into their dorms and confuse them into revealing themselves! [How would that even work?].
46. If you all come up with one more illegal, immoral, or unethical suggestion, I am going to hex this paper like you wouldn’t believe! [This isn’t a suggestion, so I don’t know why you would put it as one].
47. Damn right, it wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order. [Of course, of course. Calm down, we understand].
48. Distraction, demolition, defamation, daffodil. [Nobody knows what you’re talking about, Aurora. Did you inhale experimental potions by accident again?]
49. Use Polyjuice potions to become one of their friends and ask them questions that way. [I can guarantee that none of you are capable of being subtle in any way, and I have no doubt that you would be immediately caught].
50. Ask Ms. Johnson about the Class. [Too obvious, it would never work].
