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Jamil was staring at the ceiling, finding it more interesting than whatever Kalim was rambling about. Usually he would listen to everyone around him and help solve their problems but hey, he too has his own problems and he’s having a hard time solving it.
“Then Silver almost fell asleep in class again. He was asking for my notes but I was too busy staring at him sleeping, not in a creepy way, that I forgot to take notes. So I was wondering since it’s Saturday tomorrow, we could study here?” Kalim asked with pleading eyes.
Jamil just stared at him, processing Kalim’s question. He thought about it for awhile before nodding. “Sure, just don’t do anything to bother others. Especially during rest day.”
“Really?! Thanks Jamil you’re the best!” Kalim exclaimed as he jumped on Jamil, engulfing him in a tight hug.
He froze at the unexpected show of affection but did nothing to push the other away. He just kind of accepted the hug but did not reciprocate. This sent his mind into haywire as he remembered how Azul hugged him the other day.
It was as warm as this the only difference is that when it was Azul it sent small sparks prickling his skin, in a good way. Why was he having such thoughts anyway? It’s not like he likes him a lot to be thinking about him in his free time.
He still thinks he should be wary of Azul because of his shady operations but then Azul never did something out of line. He’s just doing his part of the deal. It’s the client that should’ve been more careful in reading the terms and conditions before accepting. Why is he even explaining this?
“Great Sevens, I hate Azul Ashengrotto.”
Kalim’s jaw dropped while he stared at Jamil with wide eyes. “Who are you?”
“Did I say that out loud?” Jamil asked, unbothered when Kalim nodded. “Good, I wanted to say that for awhile now.”
Kalim started shaking Jamil while screaming. At this point Jamil is too tired to care, all his energy was spent on thinking about Azul and it’s driving him crazy.
“ARE YOU CURSED? I THOUGHT YOU LIKED AZUL?” Kalim was looking intently in Jamil’s eyes, sighing in relief when he saw nothing suspicious.
“I do, but I’m having an emotional crisis right now so I’m kind of regretting I let people know,” Jamil deadpanned. “Can you please get off of me now? I like breathing, thanks.”
“Yikes, sorry.” Kalim immediately got off Jamil. “But if you’re really Jamil tell me what we did on my 7th birthday.”
“We lied that we didn’t know who ate the birthday cake. But we both ate the cake the night before because you were hungry and that was the first thing we saw. You asked me if I wanted some and spoon-fed me some before I could answer because you told me that eating alone is sad,” Jamil answered without missing a beat.
Kalim clapped, looking proud at Jamil’s very specific answer. “Yeah that’s right! I think they all knew but decided not to push the topic further.”
“They just wanted to get over it and celebrate. No time should be wasted especially on a big feast.” Jamil rolled his eyes before sitting up properly. “Remembering every event is making me nauseous with how much food we had to eat.”
“I’m surprised you aren’t nauseous with how much you’re eating up those feelings of yours,” Kalim stated with a grin. “I may be clueless most of the times but not this time. To think that you would be this vulnerable because of Azul is interesting.”
Jamil opened his mouth to retort but closed it immediately since Kalim had a point. His statement left him silent, wondering how many times he unintentionally let his feelings known. Perhaps it’s a small problem for others but it’s a big deal for Jamil especially being vulnerable never did him good. Well except with Azul.
“See? You’re doing it again. I’m asking Azul to stop invading your head the next time I see him.” Kalim laughed at his joke while Jamil just groaned before hitting his head on his bed.
“Do you know anyone who can make these feelings go away? I really need to get my life and duties on track.” Jamil regretted asking as he saw a smiled blooming on Kalim’s face.
“Do I? Do I know someone who makes the most effective potions? Who makes every impossible thing happen with just a few words and a sign? Someone named Azul Ashengrotto perhaps?” Kalim’s voice was laced with a teasing tone.
Jamil immediately grabbed a pillow before throwing it at him. “I’m never talking about my feelings again this sucks.”
“Aw come on you haven’t even started!” Kalim dodged the pillow thrown his way and picked it up. Poor pillow caught up in Jamil’s emotional dilemma.
“Will you stop pestering me if I told you?” Jamil’s question made Kalim’s face lit up. He nodded eagerly before taking a seat beside Jamil.
“Yeah! Are you going to tell me in detail now?” Kalim asked while squeezing the pillow in his arms. “Ah this is exciting! When was the last time we had the time to talk like this?”
Kalim’s excitement and positivity was rubbing on Jamil so he sighed before relaxing against his bed. He was one of a handful of people who trusted him enough after the disaster with his schemes and overblot.
“I don’t think we’ve ever had a chance to talk like this. You were the only one who talked my ear off while I responded with a word or two. I kept on dismissing everything I was feeling,” Jamil answered truthfully, what would he gain if he kept lying and stalling about his emotions further?
“Is it because of your parents?” Kalim asked, the atmosphere around them turning heavy. He hated how this conversation was way long overdue, if only he noticed how Jamil was suffering because of him then maybe they could’ve avoided everything that happened.
“It’s a factor but I don’t want to play the blame game. All it will result to is self-blame when in reality it’s all just a series of expectations creating invisible and irreversible damage before manifesting into visible destruction.” Jamil saw how Kalim’s grip on the pillow tightened even more. He reluctantly reached out to pat his shoulder.
“I don’t blame you. Or anyone for that matter. I just wanted to be my own person, which is why when you followed me here I was enraged. I was going to be in your shadow again.” Jamil removed his hand from Kalim’s shoulder in fear of accidentally hurting him. “You had a better future at RSA. Why would you choose to be here?”
“I wanted to be with you!” Kalim blurted out, tears were gathering at the corner of his eyes. “You were the only person who didn’t went easy on me. Everything was handed to me and my mouth was fed with a silver spoon but all it led me to was being an incompetent person. I had to rely on people to live, I had to rely on you until now.”
Jamil remained silent as Kalim cried in front of him. Both of them were hurting, just in different ways. Would everything be different if they only talked? Would they be happier if they didn’t let their parents’ standards get in their way?
“It hurts a lot, all my life everyone around me wanted to be my friend because I was rich and a part of my family. If things were different would anyone even want to approach me? I didn’t care if you were better than me at everything, the only thing I cared about was no one trusted me enough to be honest with me.” Kalim was struggling to breathe from crying so hard. Jamil did nothing but clench his fists and look down.
“When you started to change I was up all night thinking if I was that stupid that people need to lower themselves for me. I’m not the best with school works but I wanted to at least improve by myself! I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I’m trying. If people keep on handing me everything I need, will I ever learn?” Kalim wiped his tears away then laughed. This was a needed talk for both of them, possibly the thing they needed to finally mend their broken friendship.
“I came here because I needed you, as a friend.”
Jamil looked up, tears welling up in his eyes as Kalim smiled at him. After everything he did Kalim was more than willing to trust him again. He wanted to talk but no words came out. Only sobs and hiccups resonated in the room.
Kalim was close to crying again so he hugged Jamil, the tightest he can to make up for the lost time they could’ve spent together as friends. “Tell me, Jamil if I tell you that I’m sorry for being oblivious to your struggles will I be an asshole?”
Jamil shook his head and returned the hug, maybe even tighter than Kalim’s. “Not at all. But I’m sorry for putting other people’s opinions first before yours. I treated you badly when all you needed was a friend.”
His voice cracked as he tried to muffle his cries. It hurts how hard it was for the both of them and how they both handled it alone. No one is to blame, they never intended to hurt the other. They were kids, how could they have known this would happen?
Kalim sniffed before patting Jamil’s back. “No use to dwell on the past. We should just focus right now and make up for the lost time, right?”
Jamil nodded before he pulled away from the hug. “Yeah. We’ve got a long way ahead of us.”
“Great! Now that everything is resolved we should go back on track again.” Kalim clapped his hands. His eyes were puffy so when he smiled it made Jamil laugh.
“We should probably freshen up first. We’ll be dehydrated from all the crying we did.” Jamil slowly stood up and helped Kalim as well.
“We’re going to talk about you and Azul after we come back here okay?” Kalim laughed when Jamil rolled his eyes.
“Can we not anymore? Azul is annoying. I can’t bear the thought of thinking and talking about him at the same time.” Jamil’s answer sent Kalim into a fit of laughter. It was obvious how Jamil changed since he was more open now than when they were back home.
“You still like him though?”
“I guess. That bastard’s never leaving my side anyway.”
The Scarabia dorm’s hallways were filled with laughter that made its residents feel at ease. Whatever they heard within those halls were not their story to tell but should you ask one of them don’t hope for a specific answer. Their lips are sealed.