Chapter Text
Wednesday, 11:23 PM
venti has added albedo, childe, eula, and 5 others to “WATCH DIVERGENT WITH ME”
venti has started a group call
Thursday, 1:03 AM
kaeya: Why did the last 30 minutes feel longer than the entire movie
xiao: ngl the plot would be better if it was
xiao: …shorter.
xiao: and more interesting.
venti: AND IF THE MAIN COUPLE WAS GAY
xiao: yes
xiao: and it wasn’t so fucking cringe
kaeya: They did not have to make this two hours.
xingqiu: Tris and Zoe should have ended up together
kaeya: Fr, also isn’t divergent basically just being a normal person??
xiao: “im not… im divergent”
xingqiu: I’m neurodivergent *injects piss into your neck*
xiao: ok goodnight movie night is over.
venti: goodnight xiao!! :)
xingqiu: I hate gay people so much.
kaeya: Help me. That was horrible.
xiao: THATS FUCKING DIGUSTING.
xiao: i hate straights.
xingqiu: what happened to going to sleep??
xiao: failed.
kaeya: https://tenor.com/view/theo-james-divergent-four-and-tris-gif-25077340
venti: why are they old now.
xiao: shes gay now.
xiao: they’re getting a divorce.
venti: they’re literally both nonbinary
venti: are you being transphobic rn….
childe: WHY ARE WE LOOKING AT KISSING GIFS HELLO??
venti: WE WERE WATCHING DIVERGENT
childe: don’t speak to me about divergent.
childe: i read. the whole series. JUST FOR THAT SHITTY ASS ENDING.
childe: i hope beatrice gets dropkicked to hell.
xingqiu: We just watched the movie
xingqiu: Do you remember the piss chair Childe
venti: WHAT DOES TRIS DO??
childe: SHES SO DUMB.
venti: OKAY SO AM I <//3
childe: ok but you wouldn’t risk your life for a man.
venti: i’d risk my life for a 4 for 4 at wendys
childe: BETTER THAN A MAN
kaeya: Okay but it was hot when Tris was like “Watch it” and she had a knife up to that girlies neck.
childe: smells like knife kink in here…
venti: YOU CANNOT BE TALKING YOU LITERALLY HAVE A KNIFE KINK
childe: I DO??
venti: YOU ADMITTED TO IT EARLIER??
childe: WHAT
childe: did i???
childe: I DON’T REMEMBER
venti: YES??
childe: YOU GUYS MAKE ME ADMIT EVERYTHING.
childe: I NEED TO KEEP A LIST
childe: EVERYDAY IS A NEW CONFESSION
childe: BECAUSE OF YOU MFS.
kaeya: I have knife kink but not being threatened by a knife I think metal is spicy and hot.
kaeya: /j
kaeya: /j
kaeya: /j
kaeya: Everytime I see “childe is typing..” I recoil a little.
childe: HEY.
childe: those are ur omega hormones fighting to get out <3
kaeya: Oh.
childe: OMG
childe: who wanna rp with me
xiao: nobody.
venti: actually kys.
venti: but sure
albedo: wh
childe: i run my hand over the piss chair sexily with beyonce playing in the background
xiao: god grant me strength.
xingqiu: *walks into a bar* Hi
venti: * i literally fucking murder you * <3
childe: i dodge it with my sexy piss powers like the water benders from avatar
venti: oh my god.. you’re so strong..
xiao: everyday i need to deal with childe starting a roleplay.
albedo: yall remember when he said “howls sadly”
childe: I’M HELPING YOU GUYS WITH YOUR LITERATURE
childe: WHAT IF UR HELD AT GUNPOINT
childe: AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SURVIVE
childe: IS BY RPING??
venti: literally when the fuck would that happen
albedo: in what situation would that happen
kaeya: Killing stalking.
venti: THERE WAS NO ROLEPLAYING IN KILLING STALKING
venti: IT WAS PLAIN OLD OEDIPUS COMPLEX. THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
kaeya: I’ve never read killing stalking.
scaramouche: I hope you never do.
childe: i’ll read it to you as a bedtime story
kaeya: Wow you are such a caring alpha that’s hard to come by these days.
albedo: i hope you can deal with the consequences i give you if you do that
venti: i love your little omegaverse polycule
childe: my omega’s are so abusive towards me
kaeya: ???
kaeya: Where did that come from?
kaeya: Aren’t alphas supposed to be the abusive ones?
albedo: our abuse is a reflection of how you treat us.
venti: are you stereotyping alphas?? woww
childe: WOWWW FR
childe: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS
childe: ALPHAIST MUCH?
venti: i’m a proud alphaist but at least i don’t say it to their face
scaramouche: this bitch really just said the word alphaist
scaramouche: i pray for your downfall everyday
childe: #analphadoesnthaveadownfall
xiao: read that again childe
xiao: read the first four letters
venti: omg wow..
venti: you’re such a child… be more mature..
venti: haha anal
childe: that is no way to speak to your alpha.
venti: who are you talking to??
childe: all of you.
venti: actually kys
childe: i’m this gcs only alpha..
childe: i have so many responsibilities
albedo: do you fulfil literally any of these responsibilities
childe: OFC??
childe: MY DUTIES ARE TO MAKE YOU ALL FEEL LOVED
childe: i do that wonderfully
albedo: it seems you’ve been lacking then
venti: i’m meant to feel loved here??
albedo: apparently so
venti: god my throat hurts so fucking bad from singing throughout the enterity of divergent
albedo: please drink some tea and go to sleep
venti: oh yes let me just boil water and make tea at 1 in the morning
venti: actually wait that sounds kind of nice good plan
venti: let me just find my leaf presser
childe: LEAF PRESSER?
childe: JUST CRUSH IT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
childe: DUH
venti: are you fucking STUPID
venti: you’re a disgrace
venti: i hope you suffer in hell.
childe: WTF ARE YOU PRESSING LEAVES FOR
venti: BECAUSE I HAVE LOOSE LEAF TEA
venti: actually kys fr smh
childe: YOU SHOULD’VE ENDED UP IN THAT LEAF PRESSER
venti: SO YOU WANT ME DEAD? SOME ALPHA YOU ARE
childe: ALPHAS WANT EVERYONE DEAD GOSH
childe: ITS SURVIVAL INSTINCTS
childe: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST
albedo: no thats murder instinct
albedo: psychopathic behaviour
childe: ofc you docile omegas would think that.
albedo: docile is definitely a strange way to put it
venti: albedo join me in ignoring childe
childe: GASP
childe: NO PLEASE
childe: IM SORRY
childe: MERCY
albedo: okay
childe: HOW COULD U
venti: do you hear smth??
albedo: not much, just a buzzing noise
childe: thats the sound of my razor after shaving these sexy bawls
venti: i am so tired bro
albedo: venti you should sleep
venti: i’m still writing tomorrows announcements el oh el
albedo: if you don’t feel like writing them just use one of the preset ones i made
childe: USE GOOGLE
albedo: excellent advice
childe: thank you my little albert
childe: albedo
childe: WHY IS ALBEDO AUTOCORRECTED TO ALBERT
childe: albert is such an annoying ass name who tf came up with it like if i find the mf who decided to make up the name albert im going to jump them and throw them across a soccer field
childe: like why would you make up such an ugly name
childe: like bert doesn’t even sound good
childe: it doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely
childe: bert sounds like fart
childe: and it makes me angry
childe: like why would you add bert to al
childe: they don’t go together
childe: god
venti: thank you for your preset announcements i’ve never felt more happy or complete in my life
albedo: anytime :)
Thursday, 8:09 AM
childe: another day
childe: another hour of mourning over computer science
scaramouche: L
childe: stfu u homosexual
scaramouche: mhm go read some omegaverse fanfiction
childe: I WISH I COULD
childe: IM STUDYING COMPSCI
childe: LIKE A GOOD STUDENT
childe: UNLIKE YOU
scaramouche: im in art class rn smh
childe: i hope you bite into the paint
albedo: i wonder how that would go
albedo: im a little tempted to try it
childe: NO
childe: YOULL GET FOOD POISONING AND DIE
childe: A PAINFUL PAINFUL DEATH
albedo: you’re a receptionist at a clinic or something right?
albedo: you can save me
albedo: i believe in you
childe: who said i’d want to do that in the first place
albedo: rude
albedo: im breaking up with you
childe: NO PLEASE
childe: ITS LIKE THE FOURTH TIME AND ITS ONLY THURSDAY
childe: I PROMISE I WILL SAVE YOU IF YOU LAST TWO DAYS WITHOUT BREAKING UP WITH ME
albedo: fine
xiao: what the fuck.
xiao: since when are childe and albedo dating?
albedo: since him, kaeya, and i decided to
childe: because who doesn’t want me smh
xiao: why don’t you rethink that sentence.
xiao: what is childe even saving you from?
childe: FOOD POISONING
childe: hes planning on biting into oil paints
childe: stupid ass mf fr
xiao: ah.
xiao: good luck albedo.
albedo: thank you
xiao: you’re really going to need it with this clown.
childe: EXCUSE ME
childe: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME
childe: IM NOT THE ONE STUCK IN MARKETING
xiao: don’t remind me.
Thursday, 10:12 AM
childe: we are about to have a frog apocalypse
childe: because of some stupid mf
childe: who released 1.4 million tadpoles
childe: purr ecological disaster in the making
xiao: just kill them?
childe: HE’S HIDING THEM SOMEWHERE
childe: NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE
childe: BRO REALLY JUST MADE FROGS AN INVASIVE SPECIES
xiao: so kill him?
xiao: i’m down to assassinate this man.
xiao: and like every congressman but thats besides the point.
childe: we’d be doing mother nature justice
childe: this is straight up ecoterrorism
xiao: i just wanna kill him.
xiao: does he keep them in jars?
xiao: oh no not another man with an obsession of keeping things in jars.
xiao: we need to ban jars too many serial killers and crazy people use them to store gross things.
childe: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMN88Ht7n/?k=1
childe: LOOK ITS HIS TIKTOK
xiao: thats..
xiao: this is disgusting.
childe: i don’t even like frogs
childe: i was squirming while watching
xiao: good. suffer.
xiao: my shoulder hurts.
childe: just make it not hurt?
childe: mfs be so stupid these days
xiao: GODDAMN.
xiao: sorry caps lock.
childe: STOP
childe: I WAS LIKE
childe: WHAT WAS SO EXCITING ABOUT MY STATEMENT??
kaeya: HOLY SHIT.
xiao: what?
kaeya: Sorry caps lock.
xiao: …
xiao: come here.
xiao: get your ass over here.
kaeya: No, please have mercy.
eula: There is a couple kissing behind me I'm going to throw up.
venti: how are they brave enough to do pda in public
childe: ikr i can barely hold hands with my partners
childe: without
childe: screaming
childe: and throwing myself off of a balcony
childe: and people are out here making out
childe: HOW IS THIS CLASS ALREADY OVER
childe: GROWLS
childe: i just left the library
childe: THIS PERSON WAS SITTING BESIDE ME
childe: AND DEADASS THEY LOOKED JUST LIKE XINGQIU
childe: IT WAS SO SCARY
childe: I WAS LIKE
childe: I JUST FOUND THIS MFS DOPPELGANGER
xiao: are you sure that wasn’t just xingqiu?
xingqiu: What
xingqiu: Childe
xingqiu: I was in the library
childe: .
childe: were you
childe: wearing
childe: blue
xingqiu: I go there..
xingqiu: Every morning..
xingqiu: Yeah I was
xingqiu: MY GUY.
venti: HELP
venti: HAHAHA
childe: ARE YOU KIDDING ME
xingqiu: Were you sitting in the back corner table
xingqiu: With the green chairs
childe: YES
xingqiu: HELP OH MY GOD
childe: OH MY GOD
childe: I WAS SO INFATUATED
childe: I WAS LIKE
childe: THIS MF LOOKS LIKE XINGQIU
xingqiu: STOP??
xingqiu: INFATUATED?? HELLO??
xingqiu: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
childe: YES
childe: INTRIGUED?? RIGHT??
xingqiu: NO??
venti: childe stop hitting on minors smh
childe: IM ONLY 18??
venti: woww 18 year old hitting on poor little 16 year old xingqiu?? smh
eula: They’re all up on each other now.
childe: WHAT?
childe: THEY’RE STILL AT IT?? ITS BEEN 10 MINUTES
eula: Yes.
childe: BRO.
eula: They’re literally in different classes, she came to find him here.
venti: WHAT.
venti: EW
childe: ENOUGH.
childe: I DON’T WANT THE DETAILS PLZ
eula: Well you’re getting them.
childe: wow eula love you sm fr <3
childe: i love getting details about couples smooching at school
childe: THESE MFS HAVE NO SHAME
eula: They finally stopped now.
venti: it’s because you’re bitter and jealous childe
childe: NO
childe: THE MOST I WOULD DO AT SCHOOL IS LIKE
childe: HOLD HANDS
venti: YOU USED TO YELL AT COUPLES LAST SEMESTER
venti: okay yes i agree with that
venti: but fr who wants to make out at school at the risk of their math teacher walking in on them
childe: STOP
childe: THOSE POOR VICTIMS TO MY JEALOUSY
childe: ONCE A COUPLE WAS MAKING OUT AT MY OLD SCHOOL
childe: AND I WALKED IN ON THEM
childe: THEY JUST LOOKED AT ME
childe: AND THEN CONTINUED??
venti: HELP
venti: they were feeling brave.
Thursday, 12:46 PM
xingqiu: Albedo reading the new angst chapter I wrote two weeks ago for my fanfic in front of my own eyes is deeply traumatizing tbh
childe: ALBEDO ALWAYS LOOKS TRAUMATIZED
childe: HE HAS ONE OF THOSE
childe: ‘HURTING AGONY’ EYES
childe: THE ONES IN FANFICTION
venti: HELP?? WHAT KIND OF FANFICTIONS ARE YOU READING??
childe: you don’t wanna know
albedo: sorry what
albedo: how do i always look traumatized
childe: YOU ALWAYS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE HARASSED YOU WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME
albedo: thats because you’re always harassing me??
childe: and ill do it again
albedo: childe i am trying so hard not to dump you right now
childe: NO PLEASE
childe: WE MADE A PROMISE
albedo: which is why i am holding back
childe: thank u
xingqiu: Did you like my silly little chapter
albedo: yes i liked it a lot ;)
albedo: *:)
childe: WHAT IS THIS.
childe: SO ALBEDO CAN BE HORNY BUT I CANT??
albedo: i can promise you the angst was not horny
childe: OK AND WHOS FAULT IS IT
childe: FOR MESSING UP THEIR EMOTICON
xingqiu: Boy it was a whole angst chapter why would he purposefully wink at me
childe: STOP
childe: IDK SADIST KINK??
xingqiu: It was literally emotional angst
xingqiu: That ain’t sadism that’s emotional abuse
childe: EMOTIONAL ABUSE KINK
albedo: dear god what
childe: I LOVE IT WHEN THEY START SOBBING AND TRY TO DIE
venti: THAT AIN’T A KINK THATS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
albedo: you’re not wrong
childe: im ngl
childe: when i was a kid i wanted to have stockholm syndrome
scaramouche: what.
venti: HELLO??
childe: GUYS LISTEN
childe: I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE
scaramouche: explain.
albedo: what.
venti: YOU THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE??
childe: I WAS LIKE OMGG JEFF THE KILLER IS GONNA KIDNAP ME
childe: AND IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM
albedo: that makes exactly nothing clearer
venti: JEFF THE KILLER??
childe: AND HES GONNA MANIPULATE ME AND KEEP ME TO HIMSELF UWU
venti: you being a creepypasta kid explains so much
albedo: it definitely explains a large sum
venti: you would think with your 2000 dollars monthly allowance you’d finally go to therapy but nooo
scaramouche: instead we get this.
childe: I DONT NEED THERAPY
scaramouche: sure you don’t.
venti: YES YOU FUCKING DO
childe: NO
childe: WE’VE ALL HAD THESE FANTASIES
childe: AS KIDS
albedo: i did not
scaramouche: i’m 100% sure it was just you. only you.
venti: just get one session a month please for the love of god
venti: maybe they’ll study you for your sexually deviant tendencies
childe: STOP
childe: THATS SO SCARY
scaramouche: you’re the scary one
venti: whats scary is you
venti: WHO WANTS TO BE HELD CAPTIVE BY A SERIAL KILLER
childe: I JUST WANTED TO BE IN JEFFS ARMS
childe: to little ajax he wasn’t a serial killer. just misunderstood.
albedo: i don’t fear much but if you came at me running i would probably call the police.
childe: YOU LITERALLY PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED ME THREE TIMES TODAY I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT
venti: tbf i would run too
albedo: i was telling kaeya that i would base my first reaction on the first emotion i felt when is saw you
albedo: i felt annoyed so i smacked you, then i felt okay so i hugged you
childe: ok technically you hugged me first
childe: so the okay was overpowering the annoying
albedo: just a little
albedo: this does not change the initial part of this conversation where i said id call the police if you came running at me
childe: AND YOU WONDER WHY I CALL YOU A ‘TSUNDERE’
childe: LOOK AT THIS.
albedo: stop.
venti: HELP LMFAO
venti: this is embarrassing for you tbh
albedo: kys <3
childe: FR LMFAO IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT
albedo: im not taking this from you
albedo: shall we make a list?
childe: STOP
albedo: dog boy kink
childe: ENOUGH
childe: NO
albedo: masochist
childe: SILENCE
albedo: sadist
albedo: whatever your alpha thing is
albedo: foot fetish
childe: I DONT ACTUALLY HAVE A FOOT FETISH
childe: I WAS TRYING TO CONDITION MYSELF INTO GETTING ONE THATS DIFFERENT
childe: im going to assassinate you.
childe: get in my car.
albedo: is this better or worse than me dumping you
childe: EXCUSE ME
childe: YOU SHOULD BE HURT THAT I THREATENED YOU
childe: BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH
albedo: mhm okay so following the theory that i love you
albedo: i should feel effected when you threaten my life?
childe: ABSOLUTELY.
hu tao: what happened today i was passed out until about three minutes ago