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"Want me to punch him in the face?", Barty asked for what had to be the umpteenth time that night
Regulus sighed, taking another sip of his drink. He didn't even bother replying anymore, Barty having being far too drunk to listen for a good hour now, and kind of wishing his best friend would actually end up doing it.
He smirked at the idea of Barty actually crossing the room to punch his idiot brother right in the face. His hideous nose piercing would probably make things all the way more painful, therefore an even better show. It would certainly bleed a lot and stain the absolutely stunning blue and silver carpet... That would be unfortunate, he recognized.
But that was just not right. Not at Pandora's party. Even though he should've revoked their friendship immediately when he had figured that she had invited Alice Fortescue, who obviously felt obliged to bring along all of her useless friends.
He was definitely done encouraging Pandora with her dumb little girl crushes.
He could've just left. After all, parties were never really his thing and Sirius truly was a sore to look at. But Pandora was -his- friend and he didn't see why he should be the one leaving when they were evidently the undesirable ones. Actually, he didn't quite get why she hadn't made it clearer, but his answer was soon found when he got a glimpse of Pandora sneaking out of the room with a very giggly looking Alice.
"Traitress", he mumbled
Barty downed his drink in an inelegant backward bend on the padded armchair he had chosen as his personal throne for the night. Regulus didn't recall him ever getting up to grab a new drink; he probably summoned them from people's hands. The mixing would definitely explain why he was already that wasted so early.
The tight crowd dancing in the Ollivanders' living room suddenly got significantly louder, people cheering for something Regulus couldn't quite see.
Well, he had his idea anyway.
Soon enough, the crowd loosened up to let the center of its attention breathe for a bit. Sirius was grinning widely in the middle of it all, the freakishly tall guy he always seemed to be following everywhere with his arms around his neck. It looked like they had been kissing. Regulus stared in disbelief. Kissing in the middle of a crowd was already crazy enough, but a bloke on top of that? His brother was definitely too far gone in his whole 'desperate for attention' thing.
"I knew your brother was a fucking poof", Barty spit in a slurred voice
"Well, people seem to like watching it. Perverts."
"Gryffindors are not exactly what I call people"
Regulus snorted at that. They sure made it hard to see them as something else than animals, always running in the corridors, being way too loud in the Great Halls, disturbing every single class with their shitty takes on everything and making out in public. He could at least be grateful for the year that separated him from Sirius, allowing him to get annoyed by slightly less irritating Gryffindors than him and his friends. Less than Potter, especially.
James Potter was sipping on a butterbeer, smiling at the scene of Sirius and his apparently boyfriend making a show of themselves. Regulus found it oddly surprising that he didn't seem to mind not being the center of attention himself for once. He would probably start whining for people to look at him again anytime soon.
Regulus, that being said, was already looking.
His brother's best friend suddenly caught his eyes across the room. Regulus looked away. Dropping dead right there on the carpet definitely sounded way better than James Potter believing he was looking at him. Because he wasn't. He simply had a natural attraction to esthetism, and James objectively looked good. Too bad he was too much of a prick to make something worth desiring out of it.
When his eyes - on pure coincidence - found James again, the latter was still looking. Maybe the absurdity of the situation was what made Regulus' skin feel like fire. Maybe it was just the bourbon.
After all, this was his fourth... no, definitely fifth or sixth drink. Fuck, he thought. I get drunk way too easily.
-
James had always thought his best quality was his empathy. When he was younger, his mum would always reward his gestures of kindness, and tell him how good of a friend he was, how generous and thoughtful he had to keep being growing up because that was his own kind of magic. This had never been a hard philosophy to maintain, expect for a single exception.
Regulus Black.
His best friend's brother, a year younger than they were and who had a fine skill for making James feel like he was failing at everything his parents had taught him. He had tried to be kind, and he had tried to be generous, a long time ago. Regulus had never been responsive to any of it, whether it was a chocolate frog left on the side of his plate in the Great Hall or a warm smile in the hallways. Regulus had simply always ignored him and all of his attempts to initiate a contact.
"That's just how he is", Sirius had said, "he doesn't like anyone. He'd rather follow my parents and do whatever they want like a good trained poodle."
Sirius seemed to be at peace with the fact that his little brother had been left alone in Grimmauld Place, but James knew it was all a lie. Sirius felt like shit, and so did he. But Regulus watched their peace offerings from afar, and never reached out. Sirius said he was just too much of a coward. Remus guessed he would surely come to it one day. Peter thought he was maybe just happier that way - because Peter has always had that irritating tendancy for over-optimism. They all had decided to stop trying.
James, on the other hand, felt utterly unable to do that.
Whether it was cowardness, naivety or pure beliefs, Regulus Black deserved better than this. Better than a life spent in the dark with Walburga and Orion Black as parents, better than freaking Bartemius Crouch as a best friend. Regulus surely was terrified of what could happen if he stepped out, or maybe he didn't even want to think about it because he wasn't as hot-headed as his brother, but either way James was willing to make that step for him.
Because he was kind, and generous, and thoughtful. Because he believed in people. Because he had faith in humanity. And maybe it would seem a bit hypocritical that he was able to both think that Regulus was salvageable while making Severus Snape's life a living hell, but it made sense to him. People could always do better, some of them just weren't willing to. Regulus needed a few more efforts, that was all. No over motives. Simple as that.
All he needed to figure out was how.
Well, it seemed like that party was definitely not a good time, seeing how drunk Regulus already looked. He had two buttons of his shirt undone, which was so unlike him. Well, James had never seen him outside of Hogwarts and never in such settings so he guessed that may be the reason why seeing him that exposed felt weird. And hypnotising.
He was sitting way more slumped than any Black usually sat on a padded footstool, grinning at whatever Crouch was whispering in his ear. Obviously, Crouch was almost laying down all the way on a huge armchair, but only left a footstool to his said best friend. Talk about a shitty kind of guy.
When Crouch moved his face away from Regulus', they had a slight confusing moment where they both went the same way, then looked away in an awkward movement. Interesting. Well, maybe not. James had been suspecting some kind of romantic tension between these two for a while now, and he didn't like it one bit. If he wanted Regulus to go back to the good side, he needed to stay away from Crouch and his stupid face.
Crouch was not like Regulus. He was cruel, an idiot, and most likely a sociopath. Once, Remus accidentally bumped into him in a bit too wiggly set of stairs and Crouch had pushed him back with so much force Remus had tumbled down several steps. James, Sirius and Peter already had their wands out when Remus fought back first, expulsing Crouch all the way to the floor above. Remus was never very gentle around the full moon. James still remembered how hard he had laughed that day, his stomach hurting from remembering Crouch's pathetic squeak when he had been projected into a portrait that had immediatly started yelling at him for disturbing its peace.
Crouch tripped first years in the hallway for no reason and laughed, stole desserts from other houses tables and called people mudbloods. He was not like Regulus at all.
James knew that specifically because he had never seen Crouch pull any of these awful tricks when Regulus was around. Whenever Regulus was looking, Bartemius seemed to turn a bit more tolerable, even though it was all a lie and James saw very clearly through it. Regulus didn't look like he did. That made James crazy, but he refrained from ever talking about it. Sirius wasn't ready to believe in people like he did, he had been way too hurt before, and so did Remus. James was more than willing to do it himself.
Honestly, Regulus just needed a little- wait.
Across the room, Crouch suddenly grabbed Regulus by the sleeve and pulled him away from the crowd, then out of the room. Regulus looked deeply confused, but nevertheless he followed, his drink spilling everywhere on the carpet on his way out.
James knew he had been drinking one or two drinks too much when he felt his body moving to follow them.
-
A song Regulus didn't recognize erupted from the vinyl player, the musical spells thrown all around the room making the sounds throb in his head. He caught a Ravenclaw boy winking at his friends, all muggleborns from the looks of their cheap outfits. Muggle music, how great.
Quite catchy, he had to admit. Only in his mind, though.
Barty sat up in his sit, his eyes lost in the room. His head pulled him slightly to the left, like it was suddenly too heavy for him. He looked like he was about to faint. Shit.
"Reg", he slurred, "I think I'm about to puke"
Before Regulus could even form an answer in his mind - what was he even supposed to answer to that?- , Barty grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.
Okay, that made sense. It shouldn't be too hard to find available toilets in this house, Regulus thought, seeing how enormous it was. He felt his drink spilling everywhere around him and on his robes but followed Barty still. After all it was all Pandora's fault if they had both ended up that drunk. Well, Barty would probably have ended up that drunk anyway but he was still mad at Pandora nevertheless. She could deal with the ruined carpet after she had her little gryffindor hookup.
Barty stumbled in an empty corridor, catching portraits and family pictures on the walls to stay afloat. Some frames dropped down the walls and exploded on the floor, leaving tiny pieces of glass everywhere. Regulus swiftly cleaned it up with his wand and kept on following, stumbling himself on the stupid carpets covering every inch of wooden floor.
He pushed random doors, most of them locked, until they finally found a bathroom. Barty fell on his knees right above the toilet bowl and immediately started throwing up, thankfully not missing his target. He coughed loudly, the sounds reverberating through the porcelain, and puked some more before he finally backed away and leaned on the covered in tasteful mosaics bathtube.
"Fuck, that just destroyed my throat"
Regulus giggled, getting Barty to flip him off in response.
"Just wait until it's your turn, Black. You drank just as much as I did"
"Not as fast, and I didn't mix stuff. You did this to yourself", he declared, flushing the toilets with a quick movement of his wand and sitting with Barty on the cold floor.
"You still look so drunk right now... 'have never seen you with that much buttons undone", he jabbered, pushing his index into Regulus' slightly uncovered chest. He indeed didn't usually undo any button, but it had gotten rapidly way too hot in the main room and he had unbuttoned one, then two buttons of his dark blue silk shirt. His collarbones were exposed in a way they never were, and Barty's fingers so close to touching them made him feel something he couldn't quite pinpoint.
"The living room just felt like a freaking furnace", he muttered, pushing Barty's hand away.
Barty didn't seem to mind, simply kept on grinning with that smile he only ever wore when he was drunk out of his ass. Regulus had never really understood what fun there was in getting that drunk every week, but again, Barty had issues. Regulus knew about nearly all of them, and accepted every single one. He knew what it was like to grow up in a messed up family and never really feeling like you belonged anywhere. Luckily, his parents were never as harsh as Barty's father was.
His own mother used a few curses on him here and there, and said things she didn't believe. She had been hurt herself in the past. It was nothing he couldn't find the courage to forgive one day, unlike Sirius who saw his childlike hesitation as enough reason to leave him behind forever. Barty's father, on the other hand, beat him up with his hands and belts like some kind of animal. Regulus thought he would maybe also find drinking to the point of passing out pleasing if he had to endure the same atrocities.
Barty giggled to himself, before his eyes suddenly widened and he threw himself back to the toilets bowl just in time to catch another round of throwing up. Regulus cringed, the sounds starting to get to his own stomach.
"I'll be right out the door, okay? I need some air"
Barty waved him off with his hand, his face still hidden in the toilets. Thinking about it, Regulus didn't recall his friend eating anything before the party. He definitely had a taste for putting himself in difficult situations.
He closed the bathroom's door behind him, mindful of Barty not being seen by anyone else than him. No one needed to see him vulnerable.
He sighed, letting his body slide down the wall. All the loud music covered the noise of the boy turning into the hallway, startling him when he saw him appear out of nowhere.
James Potter. Obviously. As if all of this hadn't been bothersome enough.
He closed his eyes, his head leaning on the wall, waiting for Potter to pass by him and go puke somewhere else. But he didn't. Instead, he stood right there in front of him looking like a - very tipsy - fool.
"... Hey"
Regulus lifted a brow, his eyes opening on James Potter looking down on him. Surely this was all a joke. But he didn't feel like laughing.
"Hey? Piss off, Potter"
James snorted, a crooked smile showing his slightly unlined up teeth. From afar, Regulus had never noticed that detail, but it surely was made way more enticing than it really was by the alcohol in his system.
"Come on, don't be so harsh"
He sat by Regulus on the carpet, Barty's puking sounds slightly altered by the music still reverbarating through the walls. James took his wand out of his robes and tapped it lightly on the door, silencing the bathroom. Regulus stared in disbelief.
"What exactly do you think you're doing?"
"I was checking up on you! Crouch grabbed you out of nowhere!" James exclaimed with his thick London accent Regulus always had thought he somewhat faked because there was no need for it to be that pronounced
"He- Barty didn't... What are you even talking about?! Get out!"
"Well, obviously he had something urgent to do, right? But I had to make sure, you know, just so I can sleep peacefully later"
Who the hell did this douchebag think he was? Why did he feel the right to talk to him like he was some damsel in distress and he a knight in armor, absent of flaws and bad intentions? What was even happening? Was his brother behind this? He probably was. Sirius had always shown a certain talent for ruining his life with an ever renewed inventivity.
"So you can sleep peacefully? Because you wouldn't sleep peacefully if I hooked up with my friend like your friends are doing?"
"My friend is your brother"
"What does this have to do with anything?!"
James giggled "Nothing, just weird that you describe him as my friend and not your brother"
"Is it? Because he seems perfectly content with describing himself that way"
Shit. He would never drink again, that was for sure. Booze loosened up his tongue way too easily, and in unfaithful ways to the truth of what he actually cared about.
"I know, I knoooow..." James slurred, rolling his eyes like Regulus was bringing up something absolutely ridiculous, "Sirius messed up things with you, but he loves you so much... he wants you to realize stuff, 'is all..."
"Yes, thanks, I don't think I need to realize anything expect from the fact that you're a dickhead that should go away from me"
"Why don't you go away?"
"I'm waiting for Barty!"
James snorted, accidentally banging his head against the wall a little
"Barty... you call that sociopath "Barty"..."
"Fuck off, Potter! Leave me and my friends alone! I don't go around and annoy the shit out of you and your damn friends for no reason!"
"Maybe you should"
"What are you even saying?!"
Regulus got up on his feet, the sudden movement and change of angle making him dizzy. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Also, he should definitely swear less before the habit stuck too much and followed him home. His parents would really hate that. James didn't move from his spot, still seated on the floor and now looking up at him with puppy like brown eyes. What kind of man had eyelashes that long anyway?
"Maybe you should hang out with me and the boys. Get to know me, and Moony and Wormtail. Talk shit out with Padfoot"
"Who the hell is-"
"Yeah yeah, Sirius. Sorry. You should talk things ouf with Sirius. You both love each other for Merlin' sake, I know you do! You deserve to have a good family! He's happy back home with me, why wouldn't you-"
-
He suddenly felt his whole body get dragged up the wall, his back hitting it harshly. He was now facing Regulus, his wand in hand and his eyes glowing with a bit of booze and a lot of anger.
"Shut the fuck up"
"Ok, ok, calm dow-"
"Don't you dare talk about my family ever again, Potter. I swear I'll eviscerate you, so slowly you'll have time to call for your own whole blood traitors family before you die"
James swallowed his spit, feeling a shiver crawling up his body. Maybe he had messed up.
"Okay, sorry. I won't... I just won't, okay?"
Regulus dropped his magical grasp on his shirt and let him fall down back to the floor in a cracking noise. His back would definitely be very sore the next morning.
Regulus knocked on the bathroom door, yelling at Crouch
"Barty! I'm going to look for Pandora and tell her we're out of this shitty party, wait for me here!"
He turned away so fast James got dizzy from the view alone, and his eyes followed him down the hallway. But this couldn't be the end of it. Regulus had sat with him. He had listened. James may had went a bit too fast and too far all at once, but he could save this. He had to.
Most of all, he had to get close to that sweet minty smell again.
He jumped back on his feet and ran after Regulus, grabbing his wrist right before he entered the living room again. Here, the vibrations of the music were so loud he could feel them on his chest and his throat. People were passing by here and there to find bathrooms or maybe beds to make out in, and Regulus certainly wouldn't like for anyone to see them together but he still turned back to face him, their eyes meeting in what had to be defiance but made James feel like snow falling on hot pavement.
Melting. Burning. Disintegrating.
Regulus grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him into the closest room, the lock exploding in its keyhole thanks to a skillfull non verbal spell. Obviously Regulus Black would be insanely good at charms. And at things he was dying to know more about.
He didn't get any time to register what kind of room they had gotten into before Regulus pushed him against a huge wardrobe orned with gildings. The polished wood hurt his nape but Regulus didn't seem ready to let go of his wand firmly pushed into the skin of James' throat.
"You don't get to touch me, or talk to me, you don't even get to look at me or think about me at all. Is that clear?"
James nodded. He could've dragged out his own wand to fight back. He was a year older and quite good at charms himself, but fighting Regulus had never been the plan.
"Very clear. Still, I dont think I can do that"
Regulus pushed his wand harder into his throat, making it hard for James to breathe properly. He had never seen him look even remotely like this, but he definitely reminded him of his brother when he got mad. Expect Sirius never directed his anger towards him.
"And may I know why?"
Regulus talked with a cold, mechanical tone and a voice that somehow didn't resemble the one he had used a few minutes ago. James locked his eyes into his grey ones, hoping to find Regulus somewhere in there.
Maybe he had been wrong all along.
Maybe Regulus really didn't care, and was perfectly fine following his family's beliefs. Maybe he had always knew the door was always open, but just didn't feel like it. Maybe everyone wasn't salvageable.
"Because... because I think about you all the time. I worry, Regulus. I worry about you being miserable, alone, not knowing that you have a way out. I'm terrified of you getting left behind because we didn't scream loud enough for you to hear us"
For a second, he would've sworn he saw tears crawling up to Regulus' eyes, his irises dilating. The pressure on the wand felt slightly less tense, James trying his best to keep breathing evenly.
"I don't need a way out. Fuck you and your savior fantasy"
"It's not- I don't! It's not that! It's not about me! I just... It's making me crazy! You look like a good person! You feel like a good person! All the stories I've heard from Sirius, about your childhood and stuff, you sound like such a fucking amazing person and I don't understand why you would rather be a stupid blood supremacist than that amazing person!"
-
"I'm not-" a blood supremacist, he had been about to say.
But he was. Or at least, that was what he pretended to be. What he said he was, in other words, but perfectly aware of what they were intending. What he had been raised to be. What he would soon have to prove he believed in.
A blood supremacist. A death eater. Everything James, Sirius and their friends stood so firmly against. What the ones he called "good persons" stood against. Couldn't he be a good person while still understanding that all of this was dramatically taken out of context?
His parents weren't death eaters, they just had been raised with certain beliefs that they felt were the best for their own children and they had both suffered very much from their own parents which made it hard for them to be tender or to change their ways on... well, anything. Which made it hard for them to accept Sirius as different than them. Which caused them to process that difference by making his brother and him suffer too, maybe a little bit too much at times. Maybe way too much.
His parents had suffered a lot.
He had suffered a lot.
Maybe too much to take the risk to suffer some more. Maybe the thick skin around his heart had been scalded so bad it turned to ashes and made him the living corpse he was now. With nothing to look for, and nothing to care about anymore.
Maybe James was right. He had been a good person at some point, he looked and reminisced that he once was that person.
But he wasn't anymore. He had gotten too deep into it all of it to get out alive now. And he had nothing worth risking it. His brother hated him, and that was the only loving family he ever had. He had no prospects, no particular talents, no dream whatsoever. Being the replacement as the Heir of his family had been his only purpose for such a long time he didn't remember what it could've felt like to be anything else. What it could've felt like to want to be anything else.
"Regulus? Regulus, look at me. You're okay, sit down"
He felt James gently pushing him away from his body, making him sit on the bed behind them. He felt his warm, large hand on his chest where Barty's finger had been, moving with each shaky breath.
He was panicking again.
"Breathe. Look, breathe with me"
Without asking, and Regulus would've killed him for it if he wasn't feeling that terrible, James took his hand and put it on his chest too, his cotton t-shirt with some band he had no idea about feeling so soft against his fingertips. Regulus could feel every breathe, the warmth of his chest, and James' voice resonating in his mind like in a dream. The dizziness almost made it unbearable but the gentle movement of his hand on James' torso made him stay afloat. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
"That's it, you're doing great. Keep breathing with me, okay? You're okay. You're safe, I promise"
But he wasn't. He never was. They were coming for him, coming for everything he had ever known and loved to burn it to the ground and he had to be on their side if he didn't want to get burned too.
"Stop, stop"
"Shhhh, you're okay, you're going to be just fine. Look at me, hey, look at me"
Regulus looked at James.
James looked at Regulus.
"I'm worried sick about you. Every minute of every day. I know I have reasons to be, and I won't stop. All I need is for you to let me in so that worry can turn into something better, alright? So I can actually do shit about it. You're going to be okay Regulus, you just need to trust me. Because I trust you. I deeply believe that you are a good person and that I won't regret it if I fight for you. Let me fight for you, okay?"
Regulus exhaled, his throat on fire. He needed to lay down. He needed to breathe. He needed to crawl under that bed and die under there.
But he nodded. James smiled.
"Alright, you're doing amazing. Keep breathing with me. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere"
Regulus breathed, and breathed, breathed everytime he felt James' chest rising up under his shaky palm. He breathed until the sound of his own respiration made him feel dizzy with sleep, all of the alcohol and adrenaline crashing down in his system.
Breathe. Breathe. Sleep. Breathe. Sleep.
-
Regulus had fallen asleep on his shoulder more than an hour ago, but James wasn't going to move an inch.
He softly caressed his back, perfectly aware of the fact that the touch was maybe a bit too intimate but unable to stop himself. The sounds of the party were slowly going down, people certainly getting tired. He figured that Sirius and Remus had found a bed to curl up together in, they knew he was fine as long as they didn't receive a Patronus to tell them otherwise. If Sirius only knew what he was doing at that moment... but that was not the time to think about that.
Suddenly, the door opened on Pandora Ollivander. James jumped a bit, making Regulus shake in his sleep. The younger one grabbed his shirt, his eyes still shut.
"Sorry, we.. I... we can-"
"It's fine. I was just wondering if Reg was okay, but he seems to be just fine. Good night!"
"Wait! Please don't-"
"I won't"
James sighed in relief. He didn't know much about Pandora at all, but she looked like he could trust her and that was enough for him. James believed in people. Or at least he liked to think he did.
"Thank you..."
"Good night, James"