Chapter Text
Hyunjin woke up with sore muscles. Letting out a groan, he turned to roll out of his bed, falling less than graciously out of it and onto the floor. A loud laugh ran through the small space of the caravan that Hyunjin called his home.
The one he shared with Felix.
Pushing himself up into somewhat of a sitting position, he found the other sitting on the old couch that almost filled half of their caravan.
Felix was already dressed, sipping on a cup of what Hyunjin assumed to be coffee.
With his free hand, he held up a second cup, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
“I figured you’d need something to wake you up after yesterday.”
Groaning again, Hyunjin let himself flop back onto the ground. Rolling himself onto his back, he stared at their ceiling.
“I’ve never felt this sore.”
Felix chuckled, not a hint of sympathy in it.
“That’s what you get for thinking you can skip the warmup.”
Finally feeling like it was time to actually get up and join the land of the living, Hyunjin stood, waddling over to where Felix was still holding his coffee out to him. Hyunjin grabbed it with a thankful hum.
“I didn’t want to skip it. The owner just had a lot to talk about.”
Hyunjin watched the smile slowly drop from Felix’s lips at the mention of their circus owner.
Tentatively taking another sip from his own coffee Felix seemed to struggle with deciding whether to ask about it or not.
Hyunjin made the decision for him, letting out a long sigh before he spoke.
“He wants to raise the balancing rope up another five feet.”
Felix’s face twisted in distain, mixed with a good amount of worry. Hyunjin could only agree, unease making his stomach hurt whenever he thought about the conversation he had had yesterday.
Taking the first sip at least immediately made Hyunjin feel better, more alert and less like he was dying.
“I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. But we’ll see if he follows my advice or not.”
It was fruitless to hope. Even when the circus’ owner liked to make it seem like he listened to everyone’s opinion and took their worries into consideration, he always made the decision on what he thought was best; from the safety and comfort of his own bureau.
Sometimes Hyunjin wished he could get that old man up thirty feet under their circus tent’s ceiling, just for him to experience what it was like. That something like five feet was not ‘a small distance you won’t even notice’. Especially when he refused to instal any safety equipment.
The silence that followed was uncomfortable; heavy, and Hyunjin definitely didn’t want to sour the mood before the day had even begun, so he hurried to think of something positive to say.
“Today is show day.”
Instantly, Felix lit up, a bright smile replacing the frown.
The last show was almost a week ago, the longest they had gone without performing for a while. And the urge to get back in front of an audience got Hyunjing giddish, a tingling right under his skin that could only be soothed by hearing the crowd cheer and yell as he flew around the tent.
The thought alone was enough for Hyunjin’s lips to curl into a smile.
Sun was shining through their small windows. It was hard to get the heat out at this point in the year and while it meant Hyunjin felt like he was being cooked inside of their caravan, it also meant that a lot of people came to the circus. Summer had all of their shows sold out wherever they went.
Today was no exception. They expected a packed tent, with not seat left empty.
A knock on their door pulled Hyunjin from his thoughts. Turning to Felix to see if he was expecting someone, the other shook his head.
Placing his coffee on one of their tables, Hyunjin ran his hands through his hair to make it a bit less of a mess before going to open their door.
On the other side stood Chan, and Hyunjin immediately relaxed upon seeing a face that he knew to be friendly.
“Good morning,” their circus director said, letting himself in by pushing past Hyunjin, patting him on the shoulder in a friendly manner. “I just wanted to check on you and see if you’re awake yet.”
A habit that Hyunjin had come to accept a few weeks after joining this circus. It had been unusual, but Hyunjin had quickly come to appreciate it. It was nice to have someone within the circus management that actually cared about their well-being.
The circuses Hyunjin had been at before didn’t really have the best track record when it came to that.
And while Chan didn’t really have the rank to actually to do anything about changes made by the higher ups, it was still good to know that there was at least a little resistance against some of the – sometimes absolutely ridiculous – decisions the artists had to put up with.
Hyunjin picked up his coffee again, watching as Chan scrolled through his notes on his phone.
“Practice will be cut short today,” Chan said, reading from his screen before looking up to address both him and Felix, “so if there is anything you guys really need to practice, I’d advice you to do it as soon as possible. The other aerials artists are already there.”
Felix nodded, while Hyunjin hid his small smile behind taking another sip from his coffee.
As always, Chan was straight to business. Despite being one of the rare voices that actually cared about their health, Chan kept the relationship strictly professional.
Whenever Hyunjin met someone outside of the circus sphere – which admittedly happened very rarely – there seemed to be this conception that everyone in a circus was tight knit, like a family that loved and cared for each other.
He didn’t know where that idea came. Perhaps it had been like that in the past, when circuses had still been run by actual families. Now, with how the scene had evolved into an actual industry, Hyunjin could barely say he even made a lot of friends.
Chan gave both of them a smile.
“You should get ready.”
Then he went to leave their caravan, probably going to check on the artists parked right next to Felix and Hyunjin.
Hyunjin watched the door fall shut behind him before he turned back towards Felix.
“Do you think we need to practice more?” he asked, though he was sure he knew the answer.
And as he thought, Felix shook his head.
“If the others are already practicing, I’m thankful for every minute I’m on the ground.”
A small chuckle made its way out of Hyunjin, though he wasn’t sure if he found it funny.
The other artists really had been a bit of a problem recently, and it did make Hyunjin nervous whenever he knew he would have to share the air with them.
And since they had each their own program that was simultaneously performed to create a perfect scene for the audience, he didn’t really have to practice with them anyway. All he needed was Felix.
“Do you think they’ll remember to provide water this time?” Felix asked then, getting another laugh out of Hyunjin if only because of how ridiculous the circus had been recently.
“I would hope so,” he said. It had been one of the many things the circus had promise to provide for them every performance, as well as different snacks and even personal wishes. None of those promises had been fulfilled but at least there had always been water.
Apart from the last show, when Hyunjin had made his way to their small backstage area in search for one of the bottles he was used to seeing on one of the wooden tables stood there.
Only it was empty, and by the pale face of one of the girls desperately holding herself up by the wall next to it, he guessed it had been for a while.
He had gotten both himself and the girl a bottle, almost missing their closing performance and having to run the small city centre in full costume like a maniac.
But at least the girl hadn’t fainted, and he had been able to get through their last performance.
He would think the management would learn from that, but then again -
“We should probably go and buy something in advance. Just in case.”
_________________________
The bright colourful lights shone brightly, engulfing the small tent in blanket of red and gold. Hyunjin stood on a platform a couple feet above the ground, still hidden by the darkness that was left by the lights.
He held the trapeze with one hand, readjusting his grip as he listened to Chan announcing the next act, talking to the crowd as he confidently strode around the arena, soaking up all the undivided attention he was getting.
Hyunjin made sure his grip was stable, before swinging his legs over the pole. Only with his right hand holding onto the metal construct next to him, did he prevent himself from swinging away.
In this familiar if uncomfortable position he waited for his cue.
Hanging upside down, he got a clear view of the crowd, laughing at Chan’s antics and clapping in anticipation.
As always, it were the children that were looking up. Hyunjin watched a small boy’s eyes grow wide as he spotted Hyunjin hanging from the ceiling. Hyunjin smiled, his show smile, that he knew to be captivating the audience. And when he heard his cue, he nodded once towards the boy, before letting go of the metal.
For a moment he felt like he was weightless, falling before going into a swinging motion. He stretched, the ropes of the trapeze just long enough for him to be able to snatch Chan’s hat off his head as he swung above him.
The crowd irrupted in yells of surprise that turned into laughter and then claps as the whole circus tent was suddenly engulfed in light and he and Felix were finally visible to the audience.
Hyunjin rolled off the trapeze until he was hanging from it by his hands.
The lights came on a bit late but just early enough for Hyunjin to see Felix as he leaped from his own platform hanging from an identical trapeze. Once close enough, Hyunjin let go and swung through the air without any sort of security. Those few seconds of weightlessness always felt longer than they were. A mixture of adrenaline and relaxation accompanying them.
A moment where Hyunjin was – literally – not bound, tied down by anything. A few seconds of figurative silence where nothing was weighting him down.
Those few seconds were what made this job so addictive.
His hands grabbed Felix’s trapeze easily, using his momentum to swing until his feet reached the platform again.
When Felix swung back towards him, Hyunjin jumped, feeling a surge of proudness when the timing was perfect, and Felix’s hands grabbed around his wrist so both of them were swinging together. It only lasted a moment before Felix let go of him, and Hyunjin twisted himself, turned in the air so he could grab the trapeze one of the staffs launched.
It was one of the parts Hyunjin was most nervous about before every performance since this particular staff had a thing for missing their timing. This time, though, it was perfect and Hyunjin easily wrapped his fingers around the pole.
The crowd continued to cheer. Every somersault and twist, every moment of weightlessness and flying accompanied by loud cheers and yells.
More artists joined and soon they were flying through the air, perfect coordination in what looked like absolute chaos to onlookers. Hyunjin knew it looked amazing, having a total of six people seemingly flying through the air, and it felt amazing too. Though, there was always a bit of worry with it. He loved working with Felix, him and the other were a good team, good chemistry and enough trust that the other wouldn’t do anything stupid.
Hyunjin could not say the same about all the other trapeze artists; there had been too many collisions during practice cause solely by someone not paying attention for that.
Hyunjin hung by his knees, swinging and at the highest point, Felix jumped. To his right flew someone that Hyunjin knew was definitely not supposed to be there. Had Felix seen him, he would not have jumped.
Now, though, Hyunjin watched as Felix twisted, narrowly avoiding colliding with the other artist. He fell and Hyunjin had to stretch to catch him.
Only by pure luck, did he manage to grab Felix’s hands, not even close to getting the secure grip that holding him by the wrist would give; an uncomfortable sting running through both of his shoulders at the poorly distributed weight pulling him down.
For a second, Hyunjin feared Felix would slip from his grab, his hands nearly slipping out of his own. And for a moment he thought about letting him go at the lowest point of the swing. But that was still a good twenty-five feet, no distance to fall and walk away fine.
He leaned his head back, catching Felix eyes as the ground flew by below them.
It was thanks to years of working together that both of them understood what needed to be done.
Hyunjin put all of his strength into his right hand, holding on for dear life to make sure Felix wouldn’t slip. He waited until they were at the lowest point in their swing. And then, he let go with his left hand.
The moment that didn’t even last for a second seemed to go on forever as Felix hurried to readjust to hold Hyunjin’s wrist as his hands still in Hyunjin’s slipped, falling from his grip.
Just a moment later and Felix would have fallen but he managed to grab Hyunjin’s wrist just in time, his other hand following shortly after.
Everything had happened in the span of thirty seconds and Hyunjin doubted anyone in the crowd had seen it. But when he let go of Felix, letting him fly back to the safety of the platform, he saw Chan watching him from the ground, a frown on his face that was so deep, Hyunjin could make it out from this distance.
The last few minutes of the performance went by in a blur and thankfully without any further instances. Apart from Hyunjin colliding with another artist after he had landed back on the platform. Both of them hurried to grab onto the metal construct, preventing themselves from falling down.
The other had cursed at him which Hyunjin had ignored in favour of beginning to climb down, having to hurry as to not interrupt the next act.
Chan’s voice rang through the speaker and followed them backstage. There sure would be a scolding later and Hyunjin was not looking forward to it.
The circus director was kind and cared for all of the artists but when they messed up – like they had just done – he could be strict. And Hyunjin wasn’t sure he had seen who’s fault it really was and so he wouldn’t be surprised if Hyunjin and Felix would be the centre of said lecture.
His costume clung to his skin, the sweat making it sticky. He wanted to change but they were needed for the last performance, when all artists would perform together.
Still, he went over to the small space he got to call his own backstage and pulled one of his hoodies over the costume. Instead of the normal rush of adrenaline and excitement he felt after every performance, he was left with a feeling of frustration and anger simmering in his stomach.
He didn’t know when it had started but it was becoming more and more frequent. By now most nights, he went to sleep with a frown on his face rather than a smile like he had for the last twenty years of his life.
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Felix wandering around, searching for where he had disregarded of his own things. Taking one of his water bottles out of his bag, Hyunjin walked over, ignoring the loud cheers that rang through the small tent at the next performance.
With a quick nod of his head, he gestured for Felix to follow him outside.
Once outside, Hyunjin took a deep breath. The air inside the tent was stiff; only becoming apparent once you stepped outside. The sun was shining, the beams leaving a tickle on his skin.
Felix pushed the curtain of the tent away and stepped out after him.
In silence they stood for a moment, Hyunjin continuing to drink from his water bottle while Felix stared into nothingness. Hyunjin knew what the other was about to say; had known for a couple days now. He had thought it would be on a late evening talk, after the adrenaline of a good show finished had worn off. But now, after both had barely managed not to fall from a height that would at least be a very severe injury, it seemed even more fitting.
“I’m going to leave,” Felix deep voice broke through their silence.
Hyunjin nodded.
Hyunjin would quit then. He wouldn’t trust any of the other aerial artists to spot him on a short balancing rope, let alone swing him around thirty feet above the ground.
He did not expect Felix to continue though.
“You should come with me.”
Hyunjin stopped in motion where he had gone to take another sip from his almost empty bottle. He could. He could follow Felix to the new circus and hope the new circus direction was more up to date with safety measurements and their fellow artists would be more careful and professional.
He loved this; it was all he’d ever known. He had never spent more than a couple weeks away from whatever circus he’d called his home at the time since he could remember. It seemed impossible, to at some point even consider doing something different.
But he was just so sick of it. Going from circus to circus and always being disappointed.
“I’ll think about it.”
That’s all Felix could ask for, though from the tension in his jaw, Hyunjin knew the other wasn’t happy he hadn’t immediately agreed, that he was hoping Hyunjin would come along. They’ve been working together for so long that it would be hard to establish such trust with someone else, starting from zero.
Through the speaker, they heard the final act be announced. Soon they would have to perform the closing act. They should probably get back inside.
Felix smiled at him, another way of telling Hyunjin what decision he was hoping for.
The short break had calmed him down too much, so as Hyunjin pulled his hoodie off, he jumped a little, trying to get his blood floating again and his tension up. The last performance was always the most chaotic. With every artist in the arena, there were many people that coordinated differently, animals that couldn’t understand where to be and caretakers that couldn’t give commands through the noise.
In the air, it was always a bit calmer, apart from the fact that a lot of the artists liked to use the chance to show off. Hyunjin still needed to concentrate and be aware of his surroundings and the other artists.
He sighed. Something about today just really didn’t sit right. He couldn’t wait to go back into his caravan and sleep.
He shook his head, ridding himself from those thoughts. All that mattered right now was the show, personal problems and feelings had to be put aside.
Following Felix up the ladder to their platform, he started untangling the trapeze where it had been stored away for the time of the other performances. His hands were a bit sweaty from going outside so he took a handful of the chalk that was always stored at every platform.
At least he tried to, but when he turned towards the small bucket, he found it almost empty.
Felix saw him and followed his line of view.
He didn’t hesitate a second. “Let’s change the program. Let’s do what we practiced Thursday.”
What they had practiced Thursday was far easier than their normal last performance. It involved almost no changing of trapezes and mostly just flying from and to platforms. It was pretty easy and Hyunjin felt himself relax just at the thought.
But they couldn’t. There were other people that were counting on them; that had their own program tuned to theirs. Suddenly changing something with so many people in the air would be catastrophic.
So, Hyunjin shook his head and tried scooping up the small amount of chalk he could.
“It’s fine. It’s only a couple minutes.”
With both of his hands covered in at least a little chalk, he already had a far better grip on the pole.
And when the curtains opened, the ground artists rushing into the arena, Hyunjin pushed himself of the platform, swinging across the ceiling.
Even with his sour mood, his lips instinctively curled into a small smile as the wind of motion brushed through his hair and he curled so he could throw his legs of the pole. Swinging back, he looked for Felix, nodding slightly to tell him it was okay to jump.
With that little motion, Felix leaped from the platform as he had done a couple minutes earlier. This time, he caught him perfectly, both of them easily swinging through the air together. The other artists had joined but it seemed all of them were following the program. A couple close calls here and there as Hyunjin let go of Felix to let him fly to the other platform but nothing serious.
And now that he was in the air, he forgot just how frustrated he was with the circus’ management; as he always did.
For as much as he complained when on the ground, it all seemed half as bad when he was in the air, hearing the crowd cheer and yell. It made it all worth it.
He watched the ground fly by below him; enjoying the moment of weightlessness.
At the highest point, he let go, easily landing on the platform.
Vaguely he heard Chan give his closing speech, thanking the crowd, thanking the artists and saying he wished everyone had a magical experience, one they wouldn’t easily forget.
For Hyunjin, it was nothing more than background noise, having to hear it every couple days.
Felix swung towards him, arms stretched out and with a few steps to get momentum, Hyunjin jumped, wrapping his hands around Felix’s wrists and having the same done to him to ensure the strongest hold possible.
In their short travel through the air, Hyunjin watched the backstage staff untie more trapezes. The more people in their air at the same time, the higher the tension and climax for the audience.
He knew Felix looked around to make sure no one was close to them; no one was going to the same place as them. Even if no one was supposed to, Hyunjin check his surroundings too, just to be sure.
Pleased to find his space free off anyone, he prepared for the last transfer of the night, one jump from Felix to one of the trapezes the staff had launched. And Hyunjin watched the man untie it and then he watched as the staff let it go, let it swing into its rightful position.
Once Hyunjin was sure, it would be there for him to grab, he put his attention back to his own body, tensing his muscles and getting ready for the short fly and to grab the pole.
He caught Felix’ eyes for a second, a smile making it onto his lips. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.
The swung until they reached the highest point and then they both let go.
The feeling of weightlessness, Hyunjin didn’t think he would ever be able to put into words, would ever be able to explain to someone who had never experienced it. He didn’t think he could ever live without it.
Perhaps quitting wasn’t the right choice, perhaps he should follow Felix to wherever the other was going.
He turned, going to face the trapeze and getting ready to wrap his hands around the wooden poll and swing to the safety of the platform.
But when he turned, arms stretched out to reach the trapeze, his fingers wrapped around nothing.
In a short moment of confusion, he saw one of the other artists swinging away on the trapeze Hyunjin had just been reaching for.
That guy was not supposed to be there, Hyunjin was sure of that.
After the confusion, a surge of annoyance ran through him.
And then it finally sunk it.
There was nothing.
Nothing for him to grab.
Nothing to hold himself up with.
Nothing to prevent him from falling thirty feet to the ground.
Vaguely he heard the crowd yell, their screams taking a panicked tint to it. Felix’s deep voice stood out as his partner no doubt saw Hyunjin miss the trapeze and fall.
He heard the panic but surprisingly, he felt no panic.
Even when he felt himself fall, saw the ground coming closer, saw the panic in the artists on the ground as the scrambled to get away, to not get crushed by him, there was no panic.
Instead, a calmness settled over him like he had never experienced it before.
He had half a second to think about Felix and a short pang of sorrow broke through the calmness. They’ve each had accidents, seen the other have accidents. But they had been nothing like a thirty feet drop onto a thin layer of sand. Not that the sand would do much, there was a reason thirty feet was called the cut off hight.
The wind rushed past him as the ground grew closer.
When the sand was only a few feet away, Hyunjin closed his eyes.
His last thought was that this was what true weightlessness must feel like.
He didn’t feel the impact.