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aoyagi toya on friday, 11:14 pm
"hey."
"i wanted to tell you in person, i just couldn't."
"but it must be said. i hope you understand."
"it was lovely meeting you, but i still have feelings for someone else and i can't
be with you because i don't want to do this to you."
"i hope you find someone who can be as good to you as you were to me."
she'd take the world off my shoulders if it was ever hard to move
she'd turn the rain to a rainbow when i was living in the blue
the emptiness of the room scared toya. the piano here was so cold yet so warm, it felt comforting yet so hurtful, but he still sat there. he couldn't bring himself to sleep when the house was empty now when she packed her things and left, he couldn't feel himself breathe. he felt like he was suffocating yet everything was perfectly fine. he felt okay, that's all there ever was, and he couldn't play when there was anyone around, but he didn't have to fear that anyone will hear. because no one is coming back now.
he couldn't play for her. he couldn't play for the person that should've meant everything to him as much as he did to her.
his phone was somewhere on his bed, still showing a no longer accessible chat log. it ended with a "you can no longer send messages to this person".
he was scared to admit it, so he chose to confront the instrument instead. the piano, the one that his now past girlfriend liked so much, was nice, and he looked at it, trying to find comfort. he felt comfortable in that relationship. he felt okay. the girl did everything she could for him, she was very considerate and understanding. she was everything he could've asked for.
why then, if she's so perfect?
do i still wish that it was you?
but he's still here, still looking at the piano late in the evening.
still finding the courage to play, still trying to breathe.
still thinking about him.
the thoughts didn't go away no matter how much toya tried. it was like a mad carousel that went on, and on, and on. he hated himself for it, he hated how lonely he was, and could never admit it to himself. but it still stood - the point was still there, and it took form faster than he could realise. it spread in his mind, infected his brain, took over his thoughts over and over again. it hurt, it hurt so much.
this shouldn't have happened, this shouldn't have be true. because this relationship he just had was perfect, it was comforting, warm and nice. but his heart was beating against him, his mind failing to fight it. no embrace, no dates and no feelings he experienced now were as good as only being near ...
being near akito.
perfect don't mean that it's working
so what can i do?
the silence was so loud it was almost deafening, his home didn't bring any comfort at all. he couldn't bear thinking anymore. he couldn't let himself slip back into those thoughts, at least not as much as he was likely to. so his fingers moved as if on their own, landing on the keys of the piano, his foot found its way to the pedal. he fought so hard, he fought the thoughts, fought the feelings, fought his heart,
he fought the yearning, even knowing he lost from the start.
when you're out of sight in my mind
the familiar sound of music filled the room, letting toya forget his thoughts even if for a little while. it helped him stay sane, it helped to stay in touch with reality even if he really didn't want to. it was real and he should be aware of that, and the only thing that wasn't real was what his mind told him.
the thoughts that strayed away to what he felt when he buried his face in the auburn hair, the thoughts that wandered away to what he felt when he was offered a yellow hoodie that held the scent of it's owner for a long while, the thoughts that straight up landed in the way familiar hands held him. it all wasn't real and it won't be, not anymore.
he didn't know what hurt him more, the realisation that all of it was gone or the fact that he remembered almost everything no matter how hard he tried.
or, which he didn't want to admit the most,
understanding he wants it back more than he'd wanted anything in his life.
'cause sometimes i look in her eyes
and that's where i find a glimpse of us
water drops from outside mixed with the music well, which toya didn't notice at all. he realised it only after a while - that it had started raining.
he never felt right in this relationship is what he hadn't realised up until now.
sure, it was nice. and warm. and fun sometimes as well. but it just wasn't it, and it hit him hard. the realisation hit him hard. but how could it hurt him so much, how could such a relationship be bad for him? how could that be possible?
and yet it was still breaking in pieces just like his heart.
when he looked in her eyes, he didn't feel anything much, not anymore. it was good at the start, knowing he was better off without him. without akito. but it started to fade away soon, all too soon.
he tried to tell himself that it wasn't like that. he told himself he's not trying to get better after what happened because there never was anything he should be recovering after. he told himself that it didn't work out anyway. he told himself many things.
and yet he knew he lied to himself.
over and over again.
and i try to fall for her touch
but i'm thinking of the way it was
when she held him, he felt safe at first. then he felt okay. then he felt fine, and that's all there was to it. it didn't mean much to him, but he held on anyway just because she liked it. because she embraced him and her hands were on his, her fingers played with his hair, her lips touched his cheeks every day.
but it was just hands. it was just touch. and he felt bad, toya felt so bad for something he couldn't even control.
he felt bad he imagined those could be akito's hands someday again.
he felt bad he imagined it because it won't be true anyway.
he felt bad he imagined.
said, "i'm fine" and said, "i moved on"
i'm only here passing time in her arms
but there was something he felt even worse for.
sometimes, when it became unbearable, he told her something about his life. something he partially made up, something about how hurt he was. and she listened to him and told him to focus on the present. on the future. he didn't cry in front of her, he couldn't.
but he still cried sometimes when he got home.
maybe got a little drunk, maybe got fever the next day. it was different each time.
although the reason always stayed the same.
hoping i find a glimpse of us
toya couldn't take it anymore.
he stopped playing. closed the lid. he needed fresh air or something that would wash away every single one of his thoughts.
the coat hanging on the rack got ignored. he left his phone, which was still on the bed, not noticing it ran out of battery that friday anyway. the digital clock in the corridor showed thursday. it would be funny if it was the day before everything happened, the day before he finally let his feelings control his actions. but it was almost a week after.
it was cold outside, some people would even say it was freezing because of the icy rain. toya let it be, not caring if he's cold or not. his t-shirt would soon turn wet and his hair too, but he didn't want to think about it anymore.
he wanted to stop thinking at all.
he didn't want to think about what's going to happen - if he's going to get sick or not.
he didn't want to think about the way his loneliness is just pushing him deeper in the darkness.
he didn't want to think about anything anymore.
and most of all, he didn't want to think about him.
but life liked not giving aoyagi toya what he wanted.
because just as he lifted his gaze up from the road, he saw a figure near. he didn't even need to see their face to know who it was.
no matter how blurry his vision had become, the auburn hair told it all.
"hey," the person broke the silence after a while.
"hey." toya replied, trying not to sound little.
"i thought you weren't the type to stay out in the rain."
"i'm still not."
the silence was still deafening,
but it was better because he wasn't alone.
because the person whom he shared this silence with was akito.
usually they had things to talk about. they did sit in silence sometimes because there wasn't anything to say or discuss, but they both were okay with it. sometimes one talked and the other listened, sometimes they both talked about something they both enjoyed. but it wasn't like that right now. right now was a whole different story.
and toya didn't like it until he felt his hand being taken by another.
it was warm.
it was oh so very warm.
and it meant that they didn't mean any words. toya felt like crying, but he didn't, watching akito's tanned hands instead.
their fingers fit perfectly together, it was something they never announced to each other but always noticed.
toya watched his own hand getting lifted up by akito's and how his lips pressed gently against the pale skin.
it knocked a part of oxygen out of his lungs. it was but a soft touch that lingered there a little shorter than it should've, washed out instantly by the rain. the weather wasn't that intense, but it soaked them both wet. they didn't care at all. at least toya didn't, and if it's true, then akito wouldn't either.
akito kissed every single one of his fingers, unsure if he's even allowed to do so, but did it anyway. toya didn't mind at all, standing there, taken aback, not being able to say anything. remembering their past habits, akito took it as a signal that it's okay. he pulled toya closer, looking up into his eyes as toya was a little taller.
he felt a hand on his waist in return.
at first akito intended to hug, but as toya intertwined their fingers together it got clear that there's no way it'll be just that.
toya's cheeks were paler than they were when akito last saw him, it was so noticeable compared to his own hand. he cupped toya's cheek gently which he did very rarely - he often felt embarrassed by such intimacy, but now was not the time to care the least bit for it.
"i missed you," he whispers, not sure if toya could hear it.
and he could. "i missed you, too. so much it hurt."
"it must've. i felt the same, honestly."
"did you?"
"yeah. i felt like shit."
"that's a strong word."
"i don't think it is."
"did you feel worse than that?"
"i did."
toya hummed in response. it went silent after that, just them looking at each other. akito broke the silence again.
"i felt like dying."
"i'm sorry."
"no, i'm sorry. really."
"i know."
"that's nice to hear."
"mhm."
"i also heard you play. it sounded nice."
"oh."
"i don't tell you that usually, i know. it must be kinda weird coming from me."
"it's not."
"okay."
"are we going to continue talking?"
"it depends. do you want to?"
"i do."
"why do you ask, then?"
"..."
toya stays quiet for a little while, not sure if he even should say what he wants to say.
he decides to say it anyway.
"i miss kissing you."
"you want me to kiss you?"
"yeah."
the rain doesn't stop, but the world around toya does. except for akito. the last thing he hears is an "okay" breathed out in an almost quiet whisper. he lets his eyes close knowing it's going to be okay. he feels akito's fingers let go of his own so they can position their arms more comfortably and he feels his breath against his lips.
it's familiar and warm.
so toya gives in.
it's new, not like it always was. it's like a spark lights up again between them despite the rain. it sends electricity running down both of their spines, and akito is suddenly everywhere - his lips on toya's, his arms around him and all the thoughts toya can think of are just akito.
and the auburn-haired isn't any better.
toya feels his back bump into a wall, but he doesn't care. he puts his trust in the other, he knows he's safe and comfortable.
and he feels right, too.
akito's lips feel right, them accidentally bumping into each other with their teeth also feels right because of how passionate the softness becomes. the more they kiss, the more confident it gets, and the only thing that surrounds them is a humble street light.
it must be difficult to breathe, but toya doesn't care, he gets as much air as he can only for this to continue on.
and somewhere between the kisses, while they have a little breather, he notices that akito's face is getting red.
"you do know i still love you, do you?"
toya stops breathing. "... yeah."
"that's good. because i do."
"you're so silly."
"then say it back."
"i love you too. and loved you no matter what happened. it hurt me a lot, but i did it anyway. it doesn't hurt anymore."
"you swear it doesn't?"
"i swear."
akito's answer doesn't come in words, him pulling toya into a kiss again.