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“Hey,” Isabelle came into the room, softly closing the door after herself. “You alright?”
“Alright,” Magnus raised his head from where he was slumped in a chair next to Alec, holding his hand, Alec himself sprawled on a bed.
“Mhm,” Isabelle hummed, coming closer. “Here. Drink. Eat,” she said, giving him a cup of tea and a couple of toasts she brought with herself.
“You do realize that I am a warlock,” Magnus smiled, nevertheless taking the offered food. “Anything I want with a snap of my fingers and all that.”
“Yep,” she answered, sitting in the chair next to him. “Doesn’t mean you need to do everything yourself.”
“Thank you,” Magnus smiled, taking a bite.
“Thank her when you are lying with a stomach ache,” Alec said, raising his head.
“Alec!”
“How do you feel, darling?”
“Alright,” Alec answered. “I feel a little dizzy, but that’s all. What happened?”
“A nasty demon. Nothing too serious, it seems, but you were unconscious for a few hours.”
“Oh,” Alec sat up, leaning against a headboard. “Sorry. I’m really better now.”
“Can you drink it? We need to keep you hydrated,” Magnus asked, fetching a glass of water.
“Yeah, and maybe eat something too,” asabelle said, nudging the plate with toasts closer to him. “I made enough for two.”
“Yeah, alright,” Alec took a toast, Magnus taking the other one from the plate.
“You know, Alec,” Isabelle said, a soft smile playing on her lips, “only you would wake up just to make a comment about my cooking.”
Magnus laughed, “I personally trust you in making this luxurious feast,” he winked.
“Don’t,” Alec laughed as well. “Izzy burned toasts more than once. She used burdock leaves instead of salad once. How do you even do it? It doesn't even grow in New York!”
“In my defense, they look the exact same!”
They sat with Magnus and Alec eating and drinking quietly until Izzy laughed, looking at the cup of tea in Alec’s hands.
“I remember you buying this cap along with a huge pile of pride merch,” Izzy laughed. “You were terrified.”
Magnus choked on his next sip, looking at the cup in question, four little dragons laying on one another, coloured in the colours of asexual flag, and Alec groaned.
“Come on, I wasn’t.”
“Oh you were,” Isabelle answered, teasingly. “That was just when the two of you met,” she nodded as Magnus.
“Surely I wasn’t that terrifying,” Magnus put both the cup and the plate with the rest of his toast down on the bedside table, looking between Alec and Isabelle.
“No, you weren’t. It was more about the situation than you particularly,” Alec answered, squeezing his hand gently.
“I still remember you frantically sticking the stickers on all the surfaces possible.” There was a teasing smile playing on Izzy’s lips as she looked at the cup.
“Why would you do that?”
“Oh, he was just terrified by all the flirting when you first met.”
There was a flicker of understanding in Magnus’ eyes and he frowned. “Alexander, did you think I’d only… want sex from you?”
“No,” Alec shook her head, “that’s not that. I just, and I don’t believe that now, but I didn’t want you to be let down.”
“Why stickers and merch then?” Magnus asked after a brief consideration.
“Well,” Alec snorted, “It’s not like I could just tell you.”
Magnus didn’t ask why, but by his expression it was clear he wanted to.
“Love, you know how communication and I were a sad story on the best day at those times.” Alec smiled, reaching out to leave a hand on Magnus’ cheek.
His thoughts flicked to the times in question. So many things going on, with Valentine and saving the world, and Clave. And Magnus.
Though Magnus certainly didn’t belong in a ‘bad things going on’ list, meeting him in the time when the world was ending and Alec couldn’t understand himself fully and was so unsure of what to do with all the flirtations had been… a lot. Still, it was one of the best things that happened to him.
“Hmm,” Magnus hummed noncommittally. “I’m still not sure I understand.”
“Basically, I bought some stuff after we met,” Alec said, sitting straighter against the headboard. “I wanted a ring for a long time then,” he spun a black ring on his right hand and looked down at black and white rings on Izzy’s middle fingers. “I just, you know, never came to do it before. So I finally bought it, along with all the possible ace pride stickers, some pins, some other stuff, and even changed my lock screen.” Alec chuckled. “This cup too. And I hoped you’d get a hint without me actually talking about that.”
“We did talk about it though,” Magnus noticed.
“Yeah,” Alec shrugged. Apparently, just knowing Alec is ace wasn’t enough for Magnus. It made sense now, and even then he had known they’d need to talk. “But generally talking about my sexuality and how I experience that and coming out per se were two very different situations, especially to my past self, and one felt much more awkward than the other.”
“That’s a good thing our communication got better since then,” Magnus smiled.
“Hmm”, Alec nodded, his gaze growing distant. “I don’t feel like that was the best line of actions on my part, but actually, I feel like it was the best I could do at the moment. I think if I hadn't done this, I would either have ignored you as much as I could, so as not to get rejected when you found out, or I would have forced myself to do something I didn’t really want just to be with you. And the stickers brought us here, anyway, and I’m really happy about that.”
“Yeah, I am too, darling,” Magnus said, leaning down to kiss Alec’s cheek, and Alec tugged him down until both of them were laying side by side. At some moment during their conversation Isabelle slipped out of the room, but neither of them noticed when.
“I always thought it wasn’t really your style,” Magnus smiled, looking at Alec fondly, squeezing his hand. “But, you know, out and proud.”
“Yeah,” Alec laughed, “that’s not really my style.”
Magnus smiled, rubbing his nose against Alec’s. “I love you, darling.”
“Love you too.”
Alec still felt a rush of feelings every time he heard the words. Every time he said them. Their first love confession was not a fairy tale one, not really, but it brought them to this point. Alec recalled feeling scared of himself and his feelings, and their absence, feeling wrong even in something he hadn’t considered wrong before, feeling like he was about to be alone, with no prospect of happiness in the future.
Their love confession was followed by hurt and misunderstandings, but it had brought them here anyway.
He was warm and comfortable. The room was bright, a little bit too bright, so he turned his head down, snuggling into the warm chest.
“Good morning, darling,” a rough voice sounded and Alec felt the warm weight settling on top of him, soft lips pressing to the crown of his head. He hummed in the answer, not willing to break this blissful silence with words. Even thoughts evaded him in this half-asleep state, everything that wasn’t warm, comfortable, safe, home, Magnus .
The kisses went lower, passing his forehead, resting on each eyelid, along the brink of his nose and on its tip, until there were a pair of soft lips on his own, not going deeper or coaxing, just peppering feather-light kisses.
“Mags,” Alec weaved his arms around the worm body, pressing him closer, and he felt a wide grin tugging on the corners of his lips as his boyfriends nuzzled in his cheek.
“Alexander,” came the breathless reply.
Alec opened his eyes to look at Magnus, met by the pool of affection in his eyes, his face open and unguarded.
“Alexander,” he repeated, his face making a strange dance of scared-happy-hopeful-bracing himself and finally stopping on trust. “Alexander, I- I love you.”
Alec felt himself going still, the warmth and easiness he felt just a moment ago disappearing. That was what he feared. Magnus loved him, loved him , and he couldn’t return it, couldn’t answer him, couldn’t even smile at him, couldn’t…
“You don’t need to return it if you don’t feel the same,” Magnus started, but then he seemed to take in Alec’s expression once again and he rolled to the other side of the bed, swallowing audibly. “I’m sorry, Alexander, I-”
And he knew he was fucking it up. He always knew he’d eventually do it. But he let himself believe that they could make it work. Magnus opened himself to him, not only just now, but before, telling about his other partners, people who left him, about his fear of being too much, how everything he wanted was to be loved by someone the way he loved them, with no need to hold back, to be able to let his guards down and just be.
Ironically, it was something Alec couldn’t give him. He would hold Magnus, would accept everything he is, would celebrate every moment he was allowed to spend with him. He cared deeply for him, he felt his chest being full of tenderness whenever Magnus said or did something, or smiled just so.
But he couldn’t be what Magnus wanted him to be. He couldn’t love him the same way. And Magnus deserved it, deserved someone who would love him fully. It was a pity Alec wasn’t that someone.
“I’m aromantic.”
There, it was in the open now.
It was good while it lasted.
All good things come to an end anyways.
That’s just how life is.
“Alexander…” It was hard to understand the look in Magnus' eyes. Confusion, hurt, hesitancy. “Okay,” he swallowed. “Can you… maybe explain further?”
Alec sighed. “Aromanticism means experiencing little or no romantic attraction to other people. It-”
“No, darling,” Magnus smiled, apparently intending to set his own emotions aside for later, shuffling to sit across Alec on the bed, his face open and kind. “I know what it means in general. I’d want to know what it means to you specifically, if you are willing to tell me.”
“Okay.” That’s fair. He owed at least this to Magnus. “So, for me… I liked kissing and cuddling and stuff.” He noticed how at these words something tense went from Magnus’ shoulders and he seemed to breathe easier than before. “You didn’t think I didn’t like that, did you?”
Magnus shrugged noncommittally, a smile on his lips looking fake and self-conscious. “I don’t exactly know what to think, darling.”
“Okay,” Alec said, eyeing him for a few moments. “Just so that I am clear, I totally liked everything.” He wanted to reach out and take Magnus’ hand, though he wasn’t sure if it was to comfort Magnus, or for his own comfort. “It was really good, I just-” why did the words evade him in the most important moments? “I don’t know, you know?”
“I don’t know,” Magnus shook his head
“Okay.” Alec wanted to hide his face in his hands, but this was important. “So, everything we did was good. Enjoyable. But when we started dating I don’t think I felt the… pull.” He watched Magnus’ face, searching for the emotion, the disappointment, but he just nodded. “It was more of a conscious choice. To date you. Magnus, you need to understand… Why is it so difficult?” Alec shook his head. “I like the crinkles in your eyes when you smile. I like how gentle you are with Madzie. I like how you make me feel safe, feel like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not when I am with you. Even when you didn’t know everything,” he tried to smile, though he felt like he was about to cry. “But I don’t think what I feel is romantic.”
“What I feel for you is…” Alec stopped, pondering his thoughts, “a lot. More than that. Sometimes it’s like my chest is ready to burst from everything. It’s not something I’ve ever felt for anyone else, it’s,” he stopped, looking away, his tongue flickering across his lips. “Alright, no, sorry, it’s not more than anything else I’ve felt. I was sure my heart would burst the first time I held Max,” his smile went from nervous to genuine. “I still get that feeling sometimes, not only with him. And what I feel for you, I don’t think that it’s less. My feelings for you are as large as they are for the other people I care about deeply. But they are also different. But they are not romantic.” He shook his head, looking down. “Or maybe they are, I don’t know. It’s not like there is a great frame for comparison. It just doesn’t feel right .”
They sat for a couple of minutes, lost in their thoughts.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Alec’s voice was small, almost a whisper. “I’m sorry I’m not what you expected. Not what you wanted.”
“Alexander,” Magnus breathed, moving closer, resting one of his hands on Alec’s cheek, the other on the back of his head. “You are everything I’ve ever wanted. Don't you doubt it.” The words were barely a whisper, but they didn’t need to be louder with how close two of them were. Magnus’ lips were barely inches from Alec’s and he stopped there, waiting for Alec’s actions.
They looked at each other for a moment, and then Alec surged forward, pressing their lips together, once and once again.
“Okay?” Magnus asked as they parted, pressing their foreheads together.
“Yes,” Alec smiled.
“Okay.” Magnus sat back, though they were still closer than before. “You’ve already said it, but can we discuss it again, just for the peace of my mind?”
Alec hummed, squeezing his hand gently.
“Everything we did was fine?” He waited for the nod. “Hugs?” He wrapped his arms around Alec after the nod. “Cuddles?” A nod, and both of them fell down the bed, laying side by side, their arms around each other. “Kisses?” Magnus smiled, dropping a kiss on the tip of Alec’s nose. “Romantic gestures in general?”
“I don’t know, if you mean something like filling the whole loft with doves because they are meant to be romantic then no.” Alec answered teasingly.
“Noted,” Magnus laughed. “Only lowkey romantic gestures.”
“That’s not what I really meant,” Alec looked away, gathering his thoughts. “I don’t want you to tone yourself down for me. I don’t want you to be lowkey. I want you to be you, alright?” he smiled. “You are not too much, Magnus. Everyone who ever told you that was just not enough.”
Magnus’ eyes went glassy and he closed them, nodding silently.
“I’m alright with big romantic gestures, I like them. I was just trying to be funny.”
Magnus nodded again, clearing his throat. “Okay. So…Do you want to use different terminology? Would queer-platonic relationships be a better fit?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Alec sighed, not quite meeting Magnus’ eyes.
“What’s it, darling? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing's wrong. It’s stupid I just…”
Magnus hummed, tugging him closer. “It’s okay, darling. You can tell me.”
“I just… like calling you my boyfriend,” he murmured.
“Oh darling, I like that very much too.”
“And.. we are dating. Aren’t we?”
“Are you asking if we are breaking up?” Magnus looked down, waiting for the approving nod. “We are not, unless that’s something you want.”
“Okay,” Alec nodded, relieved. “So maybe it is actually queer-platonic, you know, because we are queer and any other attraction doesn’t cancel platonicness. But the word itself doesn't feel right.”
“Okay,” Magnus smiled. “So I can continue telling people you are my amazing boyfriend I am dating.”
“I think everyone you talk to already knows that,” Alec laughed.
“Hmm. I’ll just have to meet new people and tell them that.”
“Okay.”
They laid for a couple of minutes, until Magnus raised his head.
"There is one more question I'd like to ask you, if that's okay."
"Sure. Ask away."
Magnus breathed in, thinking about his words.
"Why didn't you tell me before? I don't mean to say that I am entitled to every litttke piece of you or that you should be tellimg me something you are not yet ready to share, but… you told me about the asexuality from the very beginning, why not this?
Alec sighed. “It’s kind of… I knew I wanted to have a relationship… theoretically. I knew I was very open to dating you. I was sure I wanted to try. But I didn’t really know if I’d want the sex part, so I wanted, needed you to be alright with no sex if it turns out I actually wouldn’t. Does that make sense?”
“Okay,” Magnus nodded. “That actually does..”
After a couple of minutes Alec spoke again, not raising his head, his voice slightly muffled from where his face was pressed to Magnus.
“Magnus… I don’t know if what I feel is love, but it feels like that.”