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“Uhtred, I love you. I have loved you since the first day we met and I wouldn’t change anything about our lives together. But we knew it wouldn’t last. You’re still young. You promise me, you will find someone else.”
The last words Leofric says to him. Uhtred isn’t stupid. He always knew his time with a man over twice his age would be limited. They’d met when Uhtred was barely old enough to be called an adult himself. But still, the younger man fell in love hard and he wasn’t prepared for the sickness that took the older man from him so quickly and destroyed his life. Leofric is everything… was everything… now Uhtred has nothing. He is nothing. Not without Leofric.
Uhtred sighs deeply and stretches his neck to the side. He feels the joints pop along his spine and he breathes out. Then he hears the train whistle and he blinks. “Fuck!” He rushes across the train station and up to the platform. He shows his ticket and he’s waved inside. He nods at the man before adjusting the strap of his bag and stepping inside. He doesn’t have much with him. He’d gotten rid of everything. Nothing belonged to him anyways. Everything was Leofric’s and the man’s sister took everything. She wasn’t exactly cruel to him but she made it clear she didn’t accept her brother’s relationship with Uhtred and that legally everything belonged to her because it was the family house. Uhtred didn’t argue. Let her have it. He took a few things, a few trinkets and Leofric’s favorite old sweater with holes in it. Uhtred still remembers poking fun at the older man for keeping it and if he sleeps in it every night just to feel closer to the man he lost, then it’s no one’s business but his own.
Uhtred shakes himself as he takes a seat in the middle car of the long train. He sets his bag under his bench and leans back in the seat. He breathes out deeply and the motion turns into a sigh. A one way ticket. A new start. A new place. A new job. A new everything. And he hates it already as he glances out the window. He wants to go home. Except he doesn’t have a home anymore. Not without Leofric. He doesn’t have anything.
Uhtred closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. He’s not looking forward to the long train ride and he wishes he had put on Leofric’s sweater before he stepped on the train. He doesn’t want to bring any attention to himself and digging it out now seems like it might. Maybe he can just fall asleep for the whole trip and ignore everything else and not cry. Because that’s another fear of his. It’s what made him almost miss the train. Blubbering like a fucking idiot. That really would get him noticed.
Then he suddenly jolts, hearing the train whistle. He nearly jumps out of his seat and he drops his gaze to the floor as he realizes it. He settles back down quickly and swallows. The train starts moving and maybe it’ll somehow just swallow him up and he’ll disappear.
And then… he doesn’t know why he does it but he does. He just feels something weird, something different, and he does it. He sits up straighter and glances around the traincar. It’s rather empty for its size. Maybe a dozen other people, he thinks. A woman with two very young children. An elderly couple and a young couple. A woman by herself and a pair of what Uhtred assumes are brothers, looking so identical. But it’s the young man in the back by himself, hunched down, that catches his eye first. And then another feeling makes him turn and there’s another man, near the front, who’s pressed as close to his window as he can get.
Uhtred’s gaze flits between the two men and he’s not sure why. He feels something and it takes a few more minutes before he realizes it’s his heart. He feels it thumping harder and louder than it ever has. For a moment, as he still glances between the two strangers, he can’t breathe. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, what’s happening to him, if there is something wrong with him. Because there has to be! He hasn’t felt like this since he first met Leofric. And even then, it hadn’t been this strong.
He swallows and the younger man lifts his head. At the same time, the man with the short hair turns. He pushes away from the window and he’s looking across the train. Uhtred meets each of their gazes in turn. And he can’t breathe again. Or still. He’s not sure. But he tears his gaze away and hunches down in the seat.
The train continues. A few passengers get up and walk the length of the car, stretching their legs. The woman with the young children carries one as she walks, rocking it back to sleep. The young couple giggle and twirl a bit in the aisle. But they don’t, his strangers. Both remain seated and Uhtred hasn’t moved yet either. He swallows and shakes his head and sighs. Because he can hear Leofric’s voice in his head.
Talk to them. Introduce yourself. Flirt with them shamelessly like you did me. Stop being so afraid and let yourself move on.
Part of him wants to. He feels this immense attraction and connection to both men. The dark haired boy in the back looks up and meets his gaze again for a moment. Then his eyes widen and he blushes and looks away. Then the bearded man is looking his way and Uhtred can’t stop the way he bites his lip. But he looks away as well. He has to look away. He just can’t. He wants to. But he can’t. He can’t move. Because he can’t go through it again.
So he sits for the rest of the ride and forces himself to look out the window. The trees rush by and blur and he tries to quiet the ache in his heart.
“Finan, ye aren’t t’ set foot back ‘ere. Ye aren’t welcomed anymore. Leave an’ never come back. This ain’t yer home.”
The last words his mother spoke to him. He has no clue what he's done. Not really, not to be treated like this, cast out and forced aside. He’s fought with his brother, sure. What siblings haven’t? His brother has always hated him, always been jealous. But still! To be forced out of the family, to be threatened against coming back… Finan can’t understand! He just can’t fathom it, the reason behind this.
Finan sighs deeply and shakes his head. He runs a hand over his face and through his beard and he sighs again. If that’s what his family wants, then it’s what he’ll give them. His last present to them. To be rid of him. Finan hefts his bag over his shoulder as he walks across the platform towards the train. He’s the first one ushered into the car and he takes a seat in the front. He drops his bag on the seat beside him, not even sparing a second to tuck it away. He can’t bring himself to care as he slouches down. He leans heavily against the window and looks outside. He can see many people bustling about, getting ready to board or leaving the station. But their faces blur into each other and he hardly sees them.
He tries to empty his mind. He tries to stop the pain and fear from overtaking him. The loneliness and isolation. He has nothing, no one. He’s never even left home before, never left Ireland. It’s his home… was his home… now it is nothing to him. He is nothing to it. He is just nothing.
Finan hears other people entering the train car but he doesn’t move. He keeps still, his face pressed against the glass. He closes his eyes and breathes out and tries to just empty himself. He tries to chase the pain away, the fear and the loathing setting in. Because deep down, he knows he must be an awful man, just the worst type of person for his family to have done this to him. He must have deserved it. There’s no other reason than he’s just horrible.
He hears the train whistle and he doesn't move. He doesn’t react and he remains pressed to the window as it starts moving. Finan grits his teeth and clenches his jaw as he fights the tears threatening to come. Because he will not break down in this car full of strangers. He breathes in deeply and opens his eyes. And there is something. He blinks and shakes himself and he feels something. A feeling, a stirring swirling around in the empty void inside him. Finan breathes in deeply again and tips his head back. And then he turns. He pushes away from the window and looks over the seat.
He’s not sure why. He has no clue what has stirred in him to make him turn. But he does and his eyes settle on a man sitting by himself in the middle of the train car. He doesn’t see the other passengers between them, Finan only sees the man with the long brown hair, half tied back. He can see the man’s blue eyes, even from their distance, and Finan feels his heart thump. It’s a weird sensation, something he hasn’t felt before, and it does it again. And then the blue eyed stranger looks away, towards the back of the train, and Finan’s own gaze follows. In the back of the train sits another man by himself, younger. Finan thinks just a couple years younger than himself and just barely an adult. He’s sitting even farther from Finan than the blue eyed stranger but still, he can see the boy’s oddly mismatched eyes shining from under his long, dark hair.
Three sets of eyes flit back and forth but soon all look away. And Finan can breathe again. He sucks in a sharp breath and feels dizzy. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath. Such a silly notion, a silly thing to do. And yet, staring into their eyes, he had done it. Who are these men? And two of them? To stir such things in his heart and soul? He can hear his mother’s voice in his ear.
Ye truly are a fool, Finan. T’ think the Lord would give ye anyone t’ love ye an’ ye think he’d give ye two?
Finan shakes himself and sighs. He blinks and forces the weird feelings from his mind, from his heart and his soul. Because it’s just foolish. That someone like him, someone so foul and evil at his core that he had to be forced from his home. He doesn’t deserve anyone, let alone two.
The train continues, the landscape outside the window blurring by and making his head swim. He thinks about getting up, about moving around a bit. All the traveling of late has made his body sore. But still, he doesn’t move. He fears passing near the two men. He fears getting closer to them and he swallows. Because he doesn’t want to stain them with all that he is. Finan sighs deeply and turns. Again, he can’t stop himself. And he sees the boy blush as the blue eyed man looks at him. Then he sees those blue eyes turn towards him and the stranger bites his lip before looking away.
And Finan sighs and returns to his window, not looking again as the train continues.
“Sihtric, you are a waste. You are worthless. I should have killed you like I killed your mother. I should have removed your stain on my life the moment you were born!”
The last words his father spoke to him ring in his head, over and over on repeat like a mantra. He swears, he can feel the man’s hatred and he curls in on himself. He feels those words and their weight, heavy against him. It wasn’t the first time his father admitted to killing his mother. But it had happened so many years ago. If there had been any proof, Sihtric had been too young to see it. He had been too young to even understand what her death meant, to know what being left alone with his father and his older brother meant. The years of torment and abuse and pain. Most of the time, Sihtric wishes his father had killed him with his mother. Or he wishes he could kill himself now.
The young man shakes himself and licks his lips. He hears footsteps and he jumps up from the bench he’d been sitting on. His breathing quickens but it’s no one. Just a started looking woman. He forces an awkward smile and steps back, letting the woman usher her kids away from the jumpy weirdo, too afraid of his own shadow. Sihtric breathes out deeply and tries to calm himself. His eyes dart around but he sees no sign of his father. He’s honestly not sure the man would even try to follow him. Sihtric knows his father has no love for him, that he never has. But his father seems to take pleasure and delight in tormenting him, in torturing and abusing him. Sihtric has always been too afraid to run away, afraid his father would follow him, find him and drag him back and things would get even worse. He doesn’t know how that’s possible but that’s the fear in his head. But last night… he still has no idea what came over him, what made him stick the sleeping pills into his father and brother’s drinks and leave. He didn’t even take anything besides the money he had stashed away, slowly stolen from his father’s wallet every time the bastard passed out drunk. He was too scared to even think to pack a bag. Not that he owns anything really. He has nothing, just enough money for a train ticket on the first train that’s leaving. He’s not even sure where it’s going. He doesn’t know the place or the name. He just knows it’s not here.
His hands shake as he grips the ticket a bit too hard and his fingers turn white. And then someone is stepping around him and he flinches again. Fear and panic grip him and he thinks about going back. Just throwing the ticket away and going home like nothing happened and letting his father kill him if that’s what the man wants. But he doesn’t. Instead, he takes a shaky step forward. And another. Because even if he has nothing, even if he is nothing, anything has to be better than his father and his brother.
Sihtric stands a little straighter and steps closer to the train. He still can’t stop the way he trembles a bit as he shows his ticket and steps onto the train. He ignores the way the man looks at him oddly. He supposes it’s the fact that he’s alone and he’s not brought anything with him. He keeps his head down and shuffles inside. He doesn't even look up as he moves towards the empty back of the train car. He sinks down and leans back against the seat. He breathes out deeply and tips his head back for a moment. He stares at the ceiling and he tries to focus on it instead of how fast his heart is beating. Because he’s certain he’s going to pass out. Because even though he’s legally an adult now, he’s still hardly one and he’s just run away from home.
Fear grips him and he slouches down in his seat. He pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around his knees and he tries to clear his mind. He keeps his eyes down as the car fills up. And then there’s a whistle and he flinches from the sound. He covers his ears and hangs his head and breathes out. He lowers his feet back to the floor as the train starts moving. His palms are suddenly clammy and he rubs them against his pants as he sighs. And he can’t stop the way he looks across the train.
His eyes settle on a man near the center. Sihtric can see his bright blue eyes and he gets the feeling the man was watching him. And he’s not sure how he feels about that. He’s not sure what he feels at all. Because his heart is beating too fast again and his head is spinning and he can’t breathe. And then the blue eyed stranger looks away and Sihtric follows his gaze and sees a short haired brunette man with a beard near the front. He can see those soft brown eyes and he swears he can feel the man’s sadness from where he sits. He thinks he can feel it from the other one as well and Sihtric has no idea what’s going on. His heart is still beating fast and he swears he can feel it in his stomach. And a different kind of fear washes over him as he hears his father’s voice in his head.
Do you really think either of them is looking at you like that? Do you really think anyone would ever love you? You are a miserable, worthless waste.
Sihtric looks away and feels like crying. He prays he doesn’t and he breathes in sharply. And then he looks again and he can’t stop the blush that spreads across his face. He swears he can feel them, both of these men staring at him. He looks away and sucks in a sharp breath. And he slouches down again and tries to stop his heart.
The train slows just as rain starts falling. The water starts pelting the ground as it pulls to a stop at the station. The whistle blows and the doors open and the people in the car all start standing. Uhtred is the first of the three to stand. He doesn’t look at the other two and instead just throws his bag over his shoulder and rushes out the door and onto the platform. The rain is pouring and he steps quickly under the overhang but he’s already soaked. He pulls his bag off and drops it on the floor. Then he lifts his hand to his face and wipes the water away. He runs his hands over hair and attempts to ring the water from his long tresses.
Sihtric is out the door next. But the water soaks through his thin clothes quickly and the young man’s eyes widen. He shivers and shakes himself and darts towards the underhang. But he nearly collides with Uhtred and he stops, sliding to a stop. His eyes widen more and he stumbles back, looking like he might pass out. Then he turns but his way is blocked.
Finan stands behind him, blocking his path. He doesn’t mean to. He’d been so focused on fleeing and getting away from the rain that he hadn’t realized he’d followed the two men he’d been avoiding. He blinks and swallows and looks around the younger man with the mismatched eyes to the blue eyed man.
Uhtred opens his mouth. He wants to say something. But he can’t. He can’t say anything. He feels frozen in place.
Sihtric spins again and he meets those blue eyes. And then before he can control himself and stop it, there are tears in his eyes. He shakes his head and steps to the side. He turns and hunches in on himself as he slips around Uhtred and he takes off running across the station.
Finan watches, startled for a moment. Then he meets the blue eyed man’s gaze. He sighs, shakes his head, and turns.
Uhtred stands, water still dripping from his thick hair. He closes his eyes for a moment and breathes out. And he’s left alone again.