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Maybe love wasn't the right feeling for him. Maybe he should rip out his heart and never have dared to feel anything but the empty loneliness that eats away at his mornings and nights, waking up at dawn sweating and feeling the air escape his lungs and how the tears struggled not to spill of his tired eyes.
He was tired, because before he had an excuse, before there was no love, there was no slight feeling of butterflies in his stomach, there was no hope that maybe he wasn't the monster he thought he was, that he is. He woke up and knew what he had to do, he had a role to play as Blackbeard, more like a prisoner in his own mind, but at least before, he didn't feel lost.
He avoided sleeping as much as he could, drowned himself in the alcohol and locked himself inside the ship, ignoring izzy's pointless complaints, his brain repeating the same scenario over and over again.
Him, just a few days before, on the dock, with hope in his bruised heart and a shy smile that made his cheeks ache, waiting for the one person who could convince him to run away together and never look back. He sat looking at the water and the moon, waiting and waiting, each hour that passed made his earlier smile turn into almost a grimace that painfully mimicked his happiness and excitement from a few hours ago.
And suddenly, marking the silence like a whip, there is a thunderous shot that almost makes him jump from his place and fall into the water, he rises from his position like a bolt and begins to look for signs of Stede's presence.
Incriminating thoughts flew through his mind, each situation he imagined becoming worse than the last, but nothing equaled the fearsome possibility that something had happened to Stede.
How did he not notice before? Why did he wait so long? Guilt and frustration begin to eat at him as he searches the entire place and there is no sign of Stede.
He ran, his lungs begging for air but Ed kept running, not caring that his feet were beginning to ache and the cold of the night was too much to bear, he kept going and waiting to see a lock of blond hair and the refreshing sound of the presence of Stede, his slim but still latent hope. But for a moment, his eyes saw something in the gloom of the night, the unmistakable color of blood on the filthy floor, the smell of death and despair that the older man was already used to smelling.
He felt his heart beating rapidly with fear, his blood rushing through his veins as he painfully slowly approached the place where the blood had come from.
And there, almost as if he was hiding, was a gun covered in dark blood in the bushes, but no sign of Stede or a body.
Or Stede's corpse, his mind proposed.
So he kept searching, getting little cuts every time he darted over a particularly sharp branch, his legs aching, his fingernails scratching his palms from clenching his fists too tightly, his heart barely beating with sadness, anger. and the worst feeling of all, fear.
He hadn't felt this much fear since he was a child, when he heard his father screaming and demanding things from his mother, scolding her, torturing her. He hid but he always heard everything, no matter how far he went, he will always hear his mom cry. He came back when his father left, leaving her in a ball in a corner, barely making any noise, with her face stained with blood and tears, he tried to comfort his mother, tried to help her, but she was afraid, and Ed was also afraid, he felt a like a coward and impotent for not being able to do anything.
And that was how he felt now, but he was supposed to be a man, he wasn't supposed to be a boy anymore, but he felt so small, he felt back in the loneliness of fear, it was a feeling so strong that it made him want curl up into himself, shrink until he no longer existed, until his last breath slipped away like a sigh, just like his mother slipped out of his memories, just like the few happy times they had as a family, just like now, that he had lost the only person in his life who had made him come out of his corner of anger to hide his fear, the only person in years who treated him like a human, like something alive and with thoughts and ideas, the need for love in his Life was so high that he hadn't realized that he was already deeply and unrelentingly in love with the soft blond-haired Englishman with his stupid clothes and gentle eyes.
And here, returning to his hopeless present, was a boy disguised as a man, with messy hair, beard slowly growing in a disheveled way, curling up in his own misery, remembering and repeating the same moments over and over again. The first time he heard from Stede, the time they changed outfits, when they were under the moonlight and taught him the trick with the sword. Their first and only kiss. Because that's all he has left, nothing but memories, the memory of his presence, the sound of his voice, his blond eyelashes.
Stede's scent in his red pajamas isn't as strong as it used to be, but he wears it anyway, his books are all stacked in a corner, the lighthouse painting is hidden under them, and Ed tries not to look in that direction because he knew the tears will try again and he won't have the energy to stop them.
When he closes his eyes the only thing he sees is his father, on that night where he was finally able to muster all his anger and hang him, squeeze his throat until his chest stopped rising and falling, until life squeezed painfully slow from his eyes, and his body abruptly lowered to the ground, just as his father had done many times with his mother. That night he didn't feel better, but he didn't regret doing it either, he was terrified of himself, but at the same time he understood.
This is what he was.
A killer, just like his father, an emotionless monster, someone unashamed to steal, lie, kill, do what he had to do to survive. He was a nobody, but that's where he started and kept going until he gained the reputation that he had, because that was the only thing he was good at, the only thing he knew for sure to do without making mistakes.
Until he made a mistake, which led him to want to take his own life, which made him reflect on the idea of removing his heart and seeing it beat for the last time in the palm of his hand, and that mistake was to have hope.
The hope that just maybe it could be more than that, he could grow old together with someone who saw him as more than a monster and he could just maybe believe it. He made him feel alive for a while, full of life like never before.
But it was a lie, because Stede would be alive now if Ed had never allowed himself to believe something like that, Stede would be with his crew, on his ship, joking and trying to be a pirate, fulfilling his momentary dream.
He killed his parents, and he killed Stede. Everything he touches damages him. He could never be anyone other than Blackbeard.
And with that one last thought, he slowly walks out of Stede's room, trying not to make a sound so as not to wake the crew, he walks barefoot across the cold floor of the ship and takes off his red coat, folding it and gently laying it on the floor. before climbing overboard, he stands for seconds gazing for the last time at the moon and the few stars dotted in the night sky, dismissing her with a nod as he lowers his head to look at the water flowing under the boat and only hesitating for a moment, he jumps overboard letting gravity carry him to his destiny.
His body hits the water, and with one last smile, he drifts into the current.